Jens Urged Not to Renig on Promise

Jens Lehmann admittance that he would 'give his life' to reach the final of Euro 2008 has the entirety of England pulling for Germany.

Not typically enamored with the Germans, the thought of the former Arsenal goalkeeper and all around massive bag of douche offing himself has galvanized the English citizenry to the point that 99.99% of all English football fans are desperately pulling for Deutchland tomorrow.

Said Collin Smythe, who had been rooting for Russia due to their exciting play, "I would even go as far as to say that I would have no issue with another 34 year drought if it would mean that Jens might swallow some rat poison willingly!"

Scouser Anthony Lockwood, who was pulling for the Spaniards due to the obvious connections with his beloved Liverpool has stated, "A German win tomorrow would be even better than the 5-1 win."

Even Arsenal supporters are on the bandwagon. Singer Dido has already written a song dedicated to the anticipated passing of their former keeper called "It took you long enough, wanker!"

A poll at the BBC, with over 700,000 hits, has immolation as the suggested way Jens should carry out his promise if Germany does indeed beat the Turks in tomorrow's semi-final.

Joey's First Day

The Sun has obtained the following audio footage of Joey Barton meeting his new cell mate, Bruno, who likes sandwiches.

Chelsea and Villa vs. Phil Dowd

While fans, players and managers have lambasted referee Phil Dowd for the way he called the Villa-Chelsea 4 all thriller on Boxing Day, it is apparent that the complaints are completely unjustified.

But how is that possible, after all we’ve seen him lambasted by journos and gaffers on television and in print? Well, it’s because nobody takes time to watch the ref. They make emotional judgments based on a few moments during the game; whereas, I watch the game and judge the ref. See for yourself as I breakdown every call and non-call (offsides excluded) made by Dowd in this highly charged match.

4’ – Paulo Ferreira hauls down Shaun Maloney, who has beaten him to the ball. While Ferreira did foul and Dowd made the right call, Ferreira argued.

9’ – Agbonlahor is called for a shirt tug on Essien deep in Chelsea territory. Essien has won the ball, but Olberg is closing down and Gabby is still on Essien’s trail. While there is territory for Essien to exploit, it is behind Dowd. Essien is running towards Dowd who calls the foul, which is immediately argued by Chelsea because they wanted advantage. While it should have been allowed, Dowd can’t see the space behind him and makes the proper call from his angle.

12’ – Laursen clatters into Pizarro in the box and a free kick is called. Villa argues, but while it is an iffy call in slow motion and in reflection, there is plenty of contact and there is nothing wrong with the call.

18’ – When Maloney puts a body on Kalou, Dowd plays advantage. He missed Kalou’s fist to Maloney’s face. This was dangerous but not calculated. Dowd (or more likely his linesman) should have seen this and cautioned if not yellowed Kalou.

19’ – Essien takes down a streaking Gabby in the midfield and is issued a yellow for a professional foul. It’s the proper call.

20’ – Reo-Coker fouls Kalou right outside of Villa’s box. It’s a good call and leads to a freekick.

22’ – Cole is fouled and Dowd calls it. This does not stop Ashley Cole from spitting vile at him.

22’ – Sheva fouls NRK, who becomes incensed by the foul. Shevchenko apologizes and Dowd calls it. He immediately yells at Reo-Coker to calm down and he walks away. He manages the situation properly and keeps tensions in check.

25’ – Shevchenko and Laursen bang heads on a fight for a ball in the air. Nobody is at fault and a drop ball is rewarded.

26’ – Reo-Coker fouls Ballack hard and is given a stern warning to calm him down. While this is the second time Dowd has had to talk to the Villa midfielder, the first time was after he had been fouled. So Dowd does the right thing to keep the game in check.

27’ – We see our first bad call by Dowd. Barry and Ballack tangle in the midfield. Ballack blatantly strikes out and hits Barry in the face. Dowd calls the foul on Barry for leg contact. This is a missed yellow that allows Ballack to continue to play recklessly. However, nothing results from the wrong decision.

29’ – Ashley Cole dives in the box and demands a penalty. It looked like a dive when it first happen, and upon further viewing it is most certainly a cardable offense for Cole, who isn’t even touched on the play. But Dowd does not call the foul.

45’ plus – For 19 minutes, there are no fouls and play is allowed to develop freely. There are three instances with niggly contact that Dowd overlooks, but he’s right to allow it as he shepherds this entertaining period by keeping himself out of spotlight. However, in the 48th, Zak Knight receives a red card and a penalty is awarded when he takes down Ballack in the box. I watched this over and over, and I think that the German captain made a meal of the contact to draw the penalty. But whatever he did, there was enough contact both with the arm and feet that Ballack’s dive would seem legitimate at full speed. Had he not called this, there would have been as much fuss as there is now. And to be honest, Collina would have probably called this. I think Dowd saw this as a foul and awarded the penalty justly from his perspective. As for the red card, if he saw the play as a foul then Zak Knight took down the last man and he has to be red carded. Villa fans may not like the call, but Dowd has done nothing wrong here. Ballack, however, has no class.

47’ – Ballack falls in the penalty box again. But this time, he clearly tripped over Laursen’s feet and Dowd makes no call.

48’ – In his own box, Gareth Barry takes a ball off his chest, near his shoulder. Fans call for a handball, which is quite obviously not. Dowd rightfully makes no call.

53’ – Dowd makes sure that Chelsea free kick, which was awarded for offside, is taken from the proper placement. It slows down Chelsea, but he is in the right to do this.

54’ – Reo-Coker takes out Essien’s feet. He is shown the yellow. This is the first questionable challenge (and that this was a foul is in no means questionable) NRK has put in since his warning and Dowd dutifully books him. He properly dealt with this.

56’ – Laursen tackles the ball from Pizarro right in front of Dowd. Laursen gets all ball, but Pizarro rolls around dramatically. Dowd makes no call.

57’ – Ashley Young tries to get through Alex and Ferreira in Chelsea’s box. They close down on him and his attempt to run on to his own through ball is stopped when the ball hits Ferreira in the midsection. Young calls for a handball, but Dowd sees it perfectly.

58’ – Carew clips Ashley Cole’s feet and a freekick is awarded.

60’ – Reo-Coker is fouled but comes away with the ball. Advantage is rightly played.

63’ – Ashley Cole take down by Carew, who is not happy, but the foul is obvious.

64’ – Kalou hits Carew with his arm in the face. This is now the 3rd errant arm contact that Dowd has allowed.

65’ – Joe Cole is expertly dispossessed by Bouma and rolls around like he was shot by a sniper. Dowd, like anyone with eyes, isn’t fooled.

68’ – Bouma is fouled by Joe Cole. Bouma miked it, but most referees would have called it and it does not affect play.

77’ – Another 10 minutes without any calls and it is break neck football. A foul is called on the edge of Chelsea’s area. Ashley Young is surrounded by Ferreira and Alex when the call is made. At first, it looks like a poor call, but after rewinding and focusing on Alex rather than Paulo, the Brazilian centerhalf is definitely guilty of stud contact on Young. This leads to the leveling goal.

80’ - Carvalho commits a horror challenge and is lucky to not have grossly injured Agbonlahor. He is given a straight red.

82’ – Throw-in given to Chelsea, even though linesman awarded it to Villa. Dowd waves it off because linesman is blocked by Ashley Cole when the ball goes off Gabby.

85’ – The freekick. This is the only bad call of the entire game. The angle we see the play is 180° opposite of Dowd’s view. It looks like Joe Cole is going down before he can even touch the ball. But after watching it 20-30 times, Cole is falling the minute it came off Curtis Davies to draw the kick. There is no body contact by Laursen and NRK doesn’t touch Joe Cole. Then they show the second angle, directly behind the play, and Cole’s dive is so egregious that he should be banned for 3 games in hindsight. Dowd made the wrong call, but due to the angle and the dirty tactics of the Englishman, he can’t be blamed.

89’ – Ashley Cole trips over the ball but demands a foul. None is given.

90’ (plus) – As Ashley Cole comes off the field, he pats his pectoral muscle as if that is where he had made contact with the ball on the goal line that led to his red card and a penalty. However, every replay shows the ball going off his arm. It may have inadvertently his arm, but intentions matter little on the goal line, as his arm most assuredly stopped the equalizing goal. And by doing so, the letter of the law says he has to go. Dowd absolutely got this one right.

As is evident, Dowd is guilt of only two things: not cautioning players for striking other players with their arms and being fooled by dishonest and disingenuous players. Otherwise, he called a near perfect game with only Bouma’s foul, on a play of no consequence, being his fault. That’s right, one call the entire game that he can be blamed for. Any other errors are due to angle or cheating. The freekick on the Cole dive was poor but his angle was blocked by Laursen. Ballack’s penalty was gamesmanship.

Meanwhile, there are almost a dozen non-fouls not called. Every other foul that was called was most assuredly just that: a foul. The sending-offs were proper by the letter of the law, and he consulted his linesman on all of them. He even allowed the game to flow when he could.

Good game Phil Dowd. I may be the only person that compliments you on your performance, but then again, I’m the only one that spent time analyzing your performance.

So go blame the dirty players on both sides who argue and niggle and cheat at every moment. Or the managers who are too conceited or afraid to blame themselves or their players for the cheapening of the game. And for God’s sake, stop spouting off nationalist propaganda about Englishman not diving: they go down quicker…..well I’ll leave that comparison to you.

Arsene Reads "Which Witch is Which"

Arsene Wenger has compared the way clubs fire their managers to the practice of burning witches at the stake. And the Arsenal gaffer has vehemently come out against the horrible genocide taking place against these Premier League managers. While many try to avoid the uncomfortable subject, in hopes that it will go away, the Frenchman has gone on record against the holocaust that is taking place in England as managers are being dismissed with hefty severance packages and given positions of punditry. Rightly comparing this evil practice with the witch hunts that killed upwards of 60,000 women during the Reformation, Wenger has lashed out at the powers that be for allowing six managers to be fired from their cushy million pound jobs. He hopes that by speaking out now more managers won’t be murdered and raped over religious ignorance.

Make no mistake about it: managers are suffering a sex based pogrom, based on a holy war between two sides arguing over indulgences. Following Billy Davies dismissal from Derby County, he was subsequently set atop a pile of wood and set afire, screaming the entire time for mercy until he was dead. While the press has kept quiet on the subject, Little Sammy Lee was drowned in cereal bowl while inquisitors tested to see if he was tactically astute by seeing if he could float. Martin Jol, who has been linked to all kind of jobs, hasn’t taken any precisely because he was sent to the gallows. Nobody wants a fat headless man leading their squad.

All of this has Rafa Benitez mightily worried as his many layers of fat will make drowning an impossibility that may lead to him being pressed to death. Or getting a cushy job in Munich. Only time will tell. But rest assured that no matter Rafa’s fate, Arsene Wenger will be working diligently to ensure the next generation of Premier League managers are not subject to a “final solution”.

Dick Daddy Develops Dandy Trend

So Steven Ireland feels that he is Superman. Well funny enough, anyone who has read a comic in the last 30 years can tell you how D.C. have emasculated the character to the point that he is no long “super” and thus Steven Ireland can actually make that claim legitimately. In fact, Aaron Lennon could probably knock Clark Kent around if push came to shove. But it makes me think, if Dick Daddy can be Superman, who could we cast in some of the other tights and capes of the Superhero world. I am going to start with the Fantastic Four, because of Barcelona’s usage of Marvel’s flagship team, to brand their forward line, in another odd connection of capes and footballers. So today, I offer the FF:

Tottenham’s Jermaine Jenas as Sue Storm, because he turns invisible anytime he plays a half-decent club.

Fulham’s Claus Jensen as The Thing, because he’s the hard-man with a face only a blind woman could love.

New England Revolution’s Jay Heaps as Mr. Incredible, because nobody could “stretch” so little, so far.

And

Benfica’s Gilles Binya as the Human Torch, because he is an impetuous hothead and a complete dick. Although I doubt he has the hottest sister on the planet.

Next: The Avengers

The Table Never Lies (11/02)

1. Arsenal
Gilberto is starting to voice concerns about his role in the team. Really? Dude, you're the wrong side of 24, let alone 30. You've been with Wenger for five years and haven't picked up the pattern?

2. Man Utd
Scoring at will…..against shitty teams

3. Man City
6-0 Loss to Chelsea. And yet Garrido was still man of the match.

4. Chelsea
Yes, fans love the new exciting football. Nothing more exciting than a last gasp winner against mighty Leicester City.

5. Blackburn
The U.S. Commerce Department has officially listed Brad Friedel as the lone American Export in any industry that doesn't blow chunks.

6. Liverpool
Okay for the last time: Xabi goes off and Arsenal takes the game to you. This is not a coincidence.

7. Portsmouth
Well now we know where Benjani gets his trademark celebration. It's a tribute to 'Arry who uses it in tirades when fucktards take penalties.

8. Newcastle
Who's missing Martin Jol the most? That’s right Big Sam. The fraction between Jol and Berbatov has abated and now Michael Owen is the best way to fill space in the English rags. I have it on good authority that Owen is off to Dag and Red.

9. Everton
They had to survive while Cahill recovered and now seem poised to jump up the table. They only need to avoid Mark Clattenburg.

10. Aston Villa
Olof Mellberg is possibly off to Juventus. Can you blame him? He lost to his place to Zak Knight. That's like losing a pie-eating contest to an anorexic.

11. West Ham
What's in a name? For Nobby Salano, not a goddamn thing. Truly an oxymoron.

12. Reading
How do you have second season syndrome when you have the same points as the first season?

13. Birmingham
Here's a guarantee. With their midfield (Kapo, de Ridder, Muamba), there is no way that Brum go down. And here's why that guarantee is more useless than the American dollar: Carson Yeung.

14. Fulham
Okay, Bond fan-b0oy, enough with the women's glasses! A real set of spectacles might help you see the abomination that is your team is.

15. Sunderland
Kenwyne Jones is good enough that this team can't possibly go down, no matter how obsessively the defense collects red cards.

16. Wigan
It's looking like Tottenham overpaid for the wrong Bent.

17. Middlesbrough
A little trivia for you: Gareth Southgate has now coaxed as many goals out of Jeremie Aliadiere as Arsene Wenger. Suck on that Frenchy!

18. Tottenham
Well they make suck on the field, but watching this club's off-field antics is rivaling a late night screening of the hot chicks from the L Word grind-fucking the shit out one another.

19. Bolton
They found the right man to guide them through the drop. Megson is beyond reproach when it comes to relegation.

20. Derby
The dreaded vote of confidence for Davies from the new chairman. Newsflash Pearson, A) you look inbred and B) even the Special One couldn't guide this consortium of Sunday pub-siders to safety.

Hughes Shock Revelation, "Sand is Sandy"

Mark Hughes has ruled out a switch to the newly vacated managerial position at Tottenham Hotspur. It’s a bold move by the Blackburn gaffer who isn’t even under consideration for the position.

While it is well known that Martin Jol was sacked in favor of Seville coach Juande Ramos, Hughes wanted to assure Blackburn fans that he was going nowhere. “Blackburn is the only team for me,” Hughes told jubilated fans before continuing, “No seriously. Nobody else will have me.” While is currently listed as the bookies second choice behind the already hired Ramos, it should be noted that it listed under his nickname “Other”.

Mark Hughes has a strong history of stating the obvious. His past proclamations have included such insights as “You have to score to win”, “Going into Old Trafford can be tough”, “The sky is blue”, “I will never be the Queen of England” and “My man perm was regrettable”.

Hughes has also ruled himself out of the positions at Arsenal, Bayern Munich and Barcelona.

Tripping Down Nostalgia Lane

FSC has begun showing 30 minute highlight reels of old games. I think it has been a wonderful addition to their programming. I was watching Manchester United play Ipswich Town in a game that took place on either March 4^th or April 3^rd of 1995. One can never be sure due to the difference in date format between the U.S. and what some of us like to refer to as everywhere else.

The game ended 9-0 to United, which is the record victory in Premiership history. But what was more interesting was to see all the familiar faces looking so unfamiliar. I was new to the sport in 1995 and wouldn’t find the Premiership for a few more years. So here are some things that have changed and some that haven’t since that memorable game (well memorable for some).

Changes

Andy Cole

He could score. I thought that was just an urban legend. He tallied as many goals in that game as I have seem him cumulatively score.

Steve Bruce

This one’s sad. He looked immensely confident anchoring that back line. It’s almost appalling to see the man now, who would lose a restive contest with a feral cat. It is quite the different characterization from the man now begging a Hong Kong businessman for a phone call, which is eerily reminiscent of my pimply ass begging the girl with knuckle-hair (and yes she was still out of my league) to go to a dance when I was 14.

Mark Hughes

Why didn’t somebody warn me that he had pubes on his head? I never understood why REO Speedwagon called him a poser, but now I get it..

Lee Sharpe

Was anyone aware that the reality television star once played football? Or maybe that was a skit on a reality show. It was surreal.

Graham Poll

Martin Tyler described him during the game as a referee with a bright future. Little did the great one know that Poll’s future would only be bright in punditry. The real shame was the Robbie Savage had just been sold to Crewe. Their early history would have been entertaining and enlightening to social scientists.

Roy Keane

My wife describes him as a very handsome man. In this game, he was absolutely hideous. Even with the glamour of playing for Manchester United, “I” would have totally beaten him out for hairy-knuckle handjob from the aforementioned troll-girl at this point in his career. I mean he looked like the product of a family fuck-fest involving a sister, a brother and another brother who is an albino. Theresa deserves some mad credit.

Martin Tyler

He’s not one for gaffs, but he made two in this game. The previously mentioned Graham Poll flattery was the first. After the sixth goal, Tyler stumbled further when he said, “this is turning into a rout.” Turning into?

Stayed the Same

Roy Keane was playing right-back, replacing the injured Gary Neville. Where have I heard that before? So is Wes Brown the new Roy Keane?

Frank Yallop, looked completely haggard and lost. It was the same “deer in headlights” look that fans of the MLS will instantly recognize. Oh and Beckham was nowhere to be seen. Irony can be so Ironic.

If “Sharpe” hadn’t been emblazoned onto his shirt, I would have had no idea when this game took place by looking at Ryan Giggs.

The Governor showed us that he is, was and always will be an utter cunt. David Linighan committed a foul from around 25 yards out. Paul Ince quickly took the free kick to catch the beleaguered keeper Craig Forrest out of position for the 8^th goal. Yes, 8^th!

Gerrard: Segway 2.0

The press has played Rafa Benitez like a guitarra rítmica. It has been opined quite openly by the notoriously grounded English press that the god like figure of Steven Gerrard has had an uncharacteristic poor run of form recently. The fact that it has coincided with the absence of Xabi Alonso is purely coincidental. As Gerrard’s contribution has fallen, calls for Rafa’s rotation policy to affect the man, many think cast Lucifer from heaven, have increased within the media and even with fans.

So this weekend, when Steven Gerrard was once again having a poor game, this time against Merseyside rival Everton, Rafael Benitez bit and subbed off the captain. It was a smart move as Rafa was reacting to the Mikel Arteta’s domination of the right side of Liverpool’s midfield by bringing on freshly awoken Ryan Babel to stretch Everton’s commitment on the left. With Gerrard’s tendency to ignore defending, Rafa’s choice to bring on Leiva Lucas, who would fill the holes when Riise and Babel went forward was a sound tactic. However, Rafa forgot that Gerrard created the world in six days, and has been basically been resting since. Well at least since the brilliant 15 minute spell in Istanbul. He occasionally falls over in the box or kicks Andorra’s ass, but he’s more over-hyped than the Segway. To be fair, the Segway won’t fall over in a breeze.

Rafa allowed himself to be bullied into the move by the press, so they would have a controversy to write about. By spouting the truth about Gerrard’s form, finally, they made it seem like Rafa would suffer no backlash if he sat Stevie G. Once he did, the typewriters began in earnest as hundreds of lard-asses around Britain creamed their collective panties. The press for their part are absolutely delighted at having pulled off this coup. As Peter Ashely of the Independent said, “Its like when you get you’re girlfriend to consent to a three-way. You’re actually more excited about closing the deal than the act. We totally made Rafa go down on the hot girl from work.”

Stories now abound about Rafa’s decision, his relationship with the erstwhile Captain and his tenure. It’s a big coup for the press, which has suffered the embarrassment of Jol’s continued employment in the N17.

A Collective Effort

The hopes of fourth place have been replaced by the hope of survival, as Tottenham have officially entered the relegation race. The reason they are there is quite simply, the team is awful. From the board on down, almost everybody had contributed to the downfall.

While it’s easy to place the blame on one person, it’s really a collective effort. So, here is a rundown on the most visible parties of the organization and what should be done with them.

Paul Robinson
Fatty McFat Fat. Unable to handle crosses, set pieces, shots from distance. Parries anything he can get hold of in front of his net. He provides no security to the back line and no guidance. In a nut-shell, he is more useless than an appendix.

Decision: Drop him off at the nearest McDonald’s and hope he can’t find his way back to the Lane.

Radek Cerny
He’s looked serviceable when we have seen him, but he’s no #1.

Decision: Caretaker until January.

Pascal Chimbonda
Chimbonda has skill. The issue is that he only prefers to use it eight times a year, when he is facing off against one of the big four. With Spurs pathetic record against the big boys, this might seem a good thing, but it doesn’t compensate for the dreary and uninterested performances the other 30 days during the campaign.

Decision: Sell him, while you can make a profit.

Michael Dawson
Any defender who only prospers when attached to a stronger defender is actually quite worthless. Michael Dawson is a phenomenal player with King, but and average to less-than-average defender when King is oft injured. His positioning and confidence rely too heavily on the input of the captain. As the senior defender, he has brought little authority and confidence to the team. His height has led to little in the way of security on set pieces and even less as set piece options for Tottenham on the attack. In the long run, he is just an average hard-working player.

Decision: Dawson would be an exceptional backup, if he is willing to accept the role. Otherwise, off to the Championship.

Ledley King
People often speak of Berbatov as our one truly world-class player. King’s consistent injuries over the past two years have made them forget that King’s probably the most gifted player to put on a Spurs’ jersey since Gazza. (and yes that includes Jurgen and Ginola).

Decision: If he returns soon and can stay healthy, a gerbil could manage this team to the top half of the table.

Younes Kaboul
He’s young and learning the league, but damn if he doesn’t look like he will be one the league’s top defender in two or three years. His positioning is rather poor at the moment, but that can be taught. Throwing him into the fire might turn out to be helpful in the long term, but he does have faults at the moment and playing alongside Dawson won’t sort them out.

Decision: One for the future, but shaky at the moment. Might be a potential DM.

Anthony Gardner
Gardner’s an accident waiting to happen. He has been able to make if games without it costing the team, but he’s a Championship player.

Decision: If we could we would have sold him ages ago. So he is a squad player until his contract runs out.

Ricardo Rocha
The jury is still out. He isn’t adapting to the English game very well, and he seems average at best.

Decision: Not good enough. Sell him back to a Portuguese side since we can’t get rid of Gardner.

Young Pyo-Lee
He is a decent left back. Get’s forward well, but is way too reliant on his right foot, which opponents know. He’s fairly solid defensively, although he does have an occasional howler at the back.

Decision: It depends on Bale. If we leave him in the midfield, then Lee will continue to be a number one. If Bale becomes our LB, then Lee should be sold while he still has value.

Tom Huddlestone
Gifted with sublime passing and world-class vision, he is hampered by a lack of speed. He’s not one to get stuck in, which means he will never be able to be a pure defensive midfielder. But he has shown himself to be a competent player with loads of potential.

Decision: Is suited for a five man mid-field, especially if bookended by a strong DM and #10. I personally, think there might be a case for building such a system, but that will depend on the next manager. For now, keep him and play him, but don’t call him a DM.

Didier Zokora
On a rare occasion, he will have a good game. On a rare occasion, I can sleep with Jessica Alba. When he isn’t having a good game, he drags down the team like nobody else. Whoever pairs with him, ends up covering for his lack of positional clarity. He is neither a defensive mid, a holding mid, a box-to-box mid nor an attacking mid. He has no final pass and, to overuse a bad comparison, I will score with the aforementioned Alba before he does with Spurs. He is in short appalling. And he is the benchmark, from which all criticism of Damien Comolli is born. He was supposed to be better than Carrick and he isn’t better than Dean Marney. But all is not lost with him. He might be a decent right back, because he can make a decent run and he is capable of a tackle. I am serious.

Decision: Give him a new position.

Kevin-Prince Boateng
One game against the Cypriots and it was poor by all accounts. Still, it’s one game and with his brother becoming a revelation at Hamburg and K-Prince being more highly touted, it’s time to give him a starting position and let him get used to the league.

Decision: Should be starting NOW!

Teemu Tianio
He is a fierce competitor and decent squad player. He is often injured but he is Tottenham through and through.

Decision: Squad player. Not a starter.

Aaron Lennon
It is absolutely impossible to assess Aaron Lennon. He hasn’t been played in his natural position for an entire game in so long; one would think he’s a left-sided midfielder. He is being wasted by Jol.

Decision: Let’s try him on the right. He might do okay.

Gareth Bale
He is the only brightness in the gloom that surrounds this squad.

Decision: All that and a bag of chips. Leave him in the midfield.

Adel Taraabt
They won’t play him, even though he has been shown to be useful. Rather than play him on the left, Jol would rather play an unfit Tianio or out-of-position Lennon. It’s starting to look as if he is a pawn in the rift between Jol and Comolli.

Decision: Should be on the bench for every game as a late game option.

Jermaine Jenas
He is absolutely awesome against Derby. That’s it, and that’s a problem. He is always absent against good teams. He is a tireless runner, but he’s a poor fit for the team and we are all tired of his automatic, but underserved spot in the starting XI.

Decision: Time to sell him.

Steed Malbranque
He too is a tireless worker and does well against Derby. However, he can be a positive force in a game and has never been allowed to play his natural position.

Decision: Since K-Prince won’t be given the CM role like I am demanding, Steed needs to be played in Jenas’ place.

Dimitar Berbatov
Uninterested. And I understand. Everyone talks about the effect of four strikers on Defoe, but it’s been worse for Mitko. He is one of the best players in England and he is subbed every game. He is a man to build a team around, not a 60 minute player.

Decision: Either build the team around him or sell him. As a football fan, I would rather see him happy somewhere else, gracing the league with his elegance, than watch this club squander his potential.

Robbie Keane
What can you say about a man on such a pathetic team, whose only pitfall is his constant bitching to the referees? He is also willing to do whatever is asked of him and would make the perfect third striker.

Decision: Untouchable.

Darren Bent
He hasn’t been given a proper chance. He may well get it when Defoe and Berbatov leave.

Decision: He will be a good buy, just not a cost-effective one.

Jermain Defoe
He is the only player that is being properly deployed by Martin Jol as he is absolutely pot. Sure he scores occasionally. His ratio of goals to SOG is horrendous.

Decision: Why hasn’t he already been sold?

Martin Jol
First he lost the board; then he lost the smart supporters; then he lost the club house; now he has lost the other supporters. Can’t manage the players or tactics and this team is soft.

Decision: If he loves the team, the way he claims, he would walk away.

Chris Hughton
He is a legendary player, and a legendary poor coach. Hell, not one person can tell you what he does. Is accountable for the poor conditioning of the team, their lack of shape and provides no tactical input to Jol.

Decision: Needs to go.

Damien Comolli
Look at the team. He bought most of it. Judge him appropriately.

Decision: The biggest problem with the club. His poor judge of talent and undermining of Jol are the main source for this season’s implosion. Hopefully the fans will start demanding his head. Otherwise he will drag us down.

Daniel Levy
He botched the Juande Ramos situation, but he was right. He has put money into the team and truly cares about the team. He may eventually sell, but that does not conflict with making this team great.

Decision: Needs to give up on the Director of Football, but otherwise my respect for him, which dipped during the Ramos fiasco, is back to where it was.

Koreans Fear Black Stompy

Moustapha Salifou is set to obtain his work permit. He has been labeled the “Togolese Zidane”, but not necessarily for his playing style. Last month, while awaiting the work permit to be finalized after being signed in the 11^th hour of the transfer window, he traveled to Italy. There he went to Marco Materazzi’s home and head-butter that fucking punk right in his chest. It was a preemptive strike by the ex-stalwart of both the 2^nd divisions of France and German. “He will not speak in such ways of my sister,” Moustapha proclaimed proudly. Oddly, he has only brothers. Koreans everywhere are petitioning FIFA, to preemptively suspend the man they call “black stompy”.

^{Salifou facing off with Ludovic Magnin, the "Swiss Zidane", named so due to his lack of hair.}

Fellow countryman Emmanuel Adebayor, who himself is considered the Togolese Henry for his pouting and posturing and his desperation to leave the Emirates, has tipped Salifou to make a massive impact at Villa Park. He said in an interview:

'He's a very good player with a lot of quality I can see the Zidane comparison because he can keep the ball, he can dribble, he can do anything he wants with the ball. He's not that fast but he's an amazing footballer. When I heard he'd signed for Aston Villa, I was very happy for him and I hope he'll play soon and show the English public what good players Africa, and Togo particularly, can produce. I can't wait to see him playing in England and I don't think it'll be long he should be around the team soon and I wish him all the best.'

The 24 year old joined Villa for a nominal fee, after tearing up the mighty second division of Swiss football while at FC Wil. He performed well in last year’s World Cup, which got him noticed by approximately one club. The attacking midfielder will be slowly employed by Martin O’Neill, and may even find himself playing right back, to get accustomed to the league. The feeling is that if he works out, he will be a revelation for the little that was paid. How this differs from any other non-European player who is bought by a Premier League team has yet to be determined.

In other news Eric Djemba-Djemba has called the major papers in England, in addition to the Sun, to ask that Salifou not be labeled the “Togolese Djemba-Djemba”, when he turns out to be shittier than shit.

Narco Van Basten

While the World Health Organization warns of a worrying pandemic of prejudice against people with disease, we were witness to a brazen sample of what is to come for people with anything from Hansen’s to Crohn's to HIV. Marco Van Basten proved that sickness prejudice is still the norm in football when he benched Ryan Babel against Romania.

Ryan Babel is the young Liverpool winger who was self-diagnosed with Trypanosoma. The African Sleeping Sickness has cost Babel much, including his dignity. After arriving late for training multiple sessions during this international break due to the condition, which is rare in people who have never been to Africa and have never come into contact with a Tsetse fly, he was demoted to the bench by the insensitive Van Basten.

While teammate Wesley Sneijder described his chancre, the distinctive bite, as pimple-like, all of his Dutch teammates are resolute in their support of the young player who is expected to die within months of the rare disorder. His hypersomnolence has united a team, once known for its in-fighting and squabbling, against their prejudice coach, whom they now refer to as "Narco" Van Basten.

In the meantime, with nothing better to do, Rafael Benitez has complained vociferously about the treatment of his players by Tsetse flies and wonders why England doesn’t have plan of action against the deadly disease like Spain.

Xiego, Diabi, Xiabo?

Xabi Alonso employs an array of deceitful tactics to spare the feelings of friend Mikel Arteta. Both boys grew up on the same street of San Sebastian in Euskadi and now reside next to one another in Liverpool, England. While Xabi has been a fixture of the Spanish national team for years, Arteta has long been overlooked by manager Luis Aragones, even though he has been highly successful and currently is on the best form of his career.

Xabi went so far as to fake an injury that rules him out of the upcoming fixtures against Denmark in Group F qualification for Euro 2008 and Finland in a friendly. The hope was that his good friend would be seen as a replacement, just as Arteta was seen by Real Sociedad as a replacement for the deep-lying playmaker when he moved to Anfield in 2004. Little did they expect that Luis Aragones owes Quique Flores Sanchez a lot of money, for some pictures Flores has of Aragones in a compromising position with a black woman.

This isn’t the first time that Xabi Alonso has tried subterfuge regarding the Red Fury team and his amigo Arteta. He has often asked his brother Mikel, now at Bolton Wanderers, to wear a dark wig on game days and make himself seen by Arteta when the latter takes out the trash. He even went so far as to pay Brazilian Diego, from Werder Bremen, a handsome sum to shave and do the same, when his brother’s wig fell off and the scheme was discovered by Arteta.

Unfortunately the similarity to the Brazilian playmaker led Aragones to the same idea. And the Spanish gaffer has invited Diego to camp for the upcoming games. Since nobody on the Spanish team talks anyone else due to regional tensions, it is expected the Xiego plan will go off without a hitch.

The Table Never Lies (10/9)

1. Arsenal
Pundits universally espouse their own genius in not writing off Arsenal in the off-season. Somewhere there is that one guy who wrote 50,000 articles this summer being discredited for such ridiculousness.

2. Manchester United
Six clean sheets. What’s more amazing is that they have done this with shit defenders. Impressive!

3. Manchester City
Micah Richards wants to play for Arsenal. Not to worry Citeh fans, he’s English.

4. Liverpool
The first signs of a sinking ship? Ayesteran leaves. The rotation policy angers fans and players. Now Riise is so desperate to leave he is considering Villa. Ouch.

5. Portsmouth
You’re damn right Benjani has a point to make.

6. Blackburn
Rovers fans cry as the truth hits home: There is no Santa!

7. Chelsea
A Russian mobster and a perverted porn mogul winger have taught us all one thing: First you gets de money, den you gets de bitches.

8. Aston Villa
Martin, Martin! Did you see Senderos’ bumbling lumbering goal? He could be your next forward.

9. Newcastle
Michael Owen will go to any length to preserve his England spot. Expect him return from the international break with a break.

10. Everton
Shay Given is now as a prolific scorer as Yakubu for the Toffies.

11. West Ham
Could Dean Ashton be any more perfect as the replacement for Michael Owen? He’s perpetually injured.

12. Reading
Coppell admits he may have made a mistake by not bolstering his squad in the off-season. Coppell also admits that water is wet.

13. Birmingham
Steve Bruce expects the axe from Carson Yeung, Having been bored to death by his squad, like the rest of us, he has begged the Hong Kong businessman to do it sooner rather than later.

14. Wigan
The F.A. is so sick of the big teams bullying the referees that they made Wigan pay.

15. Middlesbrough
Going down faster than low-self esteem girl at a frat party.

16. Sunderland
Jones, Bale and Walcott. How did Southampton avoid promotion?

17. Tottenham
It looks like if they are willing to get rid of Comolli, they could get the legendary Klinsmann. Does anyone doubt they will make the wrong choice here?

18. Fulham
They will be lucky to Bairdly escape the drop.

19. Bolton
Sammy Lee is still employed and, at this point, completely baffled. He went so far as to drop player/coach Gary Speed and Big Sam’s captain Kevin Nolan. But still, he can’t get the vacation he so desperately wants.

20. Derby
Steve Coppell says, “Good for what ails ya!”

Cerny's New Hobby: Suicidal Ideation

Radek Cerny has decided to hang up his boots. The former Czech U21 keeper, who is now the country’s #2 behind Petr Cech, has concluded that he must be the world’s worst goal keeper. The subsequent depression and self-loathing has made him suicidal, on good days. In 2005, he joined Tottenham Hotspur on an 18 month loan spell from Slavia Prague, which was recently extended for a year, and things looked rosy. But his time in London has stripped him of all hope, much like Spurs supporters, and he sees no reason to continue playing. He plans on retiring imminently to follow his new dream of spiraling out of control on booze and drugs until he dies alone and forgotten.

He sits behind Paul Robinson, the England #1, in the pecking order at White Hart Lane. Cerny doesn’t have enough confidence from Martin Jol to warrant time on the pitch, no matter how putrid Robinson’s form or the opposing team is. While it is well-known that Robinson is the worst keeper ever to play at the top level of English football, he is still better than Cerny.

What makes Robinson so bad? Paul Robinson has a clawfoot, which makes coming out impossible, subsequently the team is squalid against crosses and set pieces. If this weren’t enough, Robinson also suffers from a slew of illness/conditions that should omit him from a starting role for any club, let alone a rich one. These conditions include: myopia, which inhibits his ability to see the ball unless it hits him in the face; social anxiety disorder leading to selective mutism, which causes him to be incapable of communicating with his back line; metabolic syndrome that has caused massive obesity and the inability to move; and, congenital radial club hands which make holding a football all but impossible. Yet despite all of these conditions, Radek Cerny’s few turns with the first team were after Robinson grew too large to even crane him out of his window at home. After emergency liposuction, during these incidents, Robinson has immediately been wheeled back into the starting lineup.

“I used to think they feel sorry for Paul,” said Radek when we caught up to him, “now I see that my pathos enable him and staff. It is time to right ship.” He added, “I’m like the guy who is eviler than Satan, but because one can’t imagine evil beyond Satan, that guy is forgotten. I’m him, only replace evil with shitty keeping and Satan with Robbo.” Cerny then took the first sip on his road to blissful alcoholism.

Clint Dempsey’s Shitty Footballing Career is Impeding on His Shitty Rapping Career

The Texas native, who moved to Fulham last January, has come to regret his decision. The American international, who scored the goal that kept Fulham in the top division last year, is rethinking his move from the New England Revolution to the west London club because of the severe shortage of other wiggers in the cosmopolitan city.




Branded Deuce by himself for the resemblance of his playing style and rapping ability to steaming pile of crap, he has blamed the move for the drop in opportunities since his "Don't Tread on Me" commercial, that many overseas football fans were spared viewing, at last year’s World Cup. Once thanked by Eminem for making him feel talented, Deuce Dempsey has been forced to ply his trade in free-style rap-offs at his local London flat. His dream of making it as a wash-out in the music industry may soon surmount his dream of making it as wash-out in the SW6.

Come FM Live, Roman Peronally Invites You to an Ass-Stompin'

Avram Grant needs a month: just one fucking month. If he can last that long without incurring the wrath of bored playboy gangster Roman Abramovich. If he can eek out a few results while playing Roman’s chosen XI through the month of October, he will personally buy the son of a whore Championship Manager 2008 on November 2nd. Football Manager should be out a few weeks later, although nothing is official yet, but Avram would prefer to avoid it, because last year’s cover was highly suggestive of a Jose Mourinho.


However if he lasts as late as March, he’ll be damned if he won’t buy Roman Football Manager Live which will be a MMORPG, which is sure to keep the owner busy for months as he battles dorks, nerds, dweebs, social retards and virgins around the world to prove he can manage his own fucked up squad. In the meantime, he has hired voice actors to make calls to the Russian billionaire under the premise that they are agents for such players as Kaka, Christiano Ronaldo and Totti to keep his the owner too busy to notice how incompetent the Israeli gaffer is.

Team Wanted

Bandwagoners, everywhere, are searching despondently for a new team to support. Following the abrupt departure of Jose Mourinho from Chelsea, fickle emotionless fans from across the globe are frantically trying to decide on a new club to put their half-hearted but loud-mouthed support behind. The list heavily favors the clubs Liverpool, Arsenal, Manchester United, Manchester City and Newcastle, currently.


Clark Frey of Boston was upset about the timing of Mourinho’s departure. “Like fuck man, the season has just begun. How the fuck am I going to choose a new team after six or seven games when the league table can change so much over the next few weeks. I’m sure as shit not going to be faced with dealing with a second place season like last year by picking Liverpool too early.” Frey was so upset that he changed the wallpaper on his cell phone back to Jessica Biel.


Sandra Hogan of Melbourne was even more upset the split between owner Abramovich and “The Special One” had occurred after an Arsenal-Tottenham match. “It would have been part of that. But now, even if I choose the Arsenals, and I’m not saying I will, I won’t even be able to post shit all over my MySpace page about the derby win. It’s depressing,” claimed the salesclerk.


Jae Hong Li, a graduate student at the Sorbonne, reported, “I watched the Chelsea Blues play the Manchester Uniteds in hopes that I wouldn’t have to buy all new paraphernalia, but after the game, I realized that Arsenal was the most awesome team in the world. And my main man Fabregas is the fucking bomb. We are going to skull-fuck the rest of the league this year. And we’ll win the Champion’s League too, unless we come across my boys for Barcelona or Milan. They rock too!“


Pathetic glory-chasing fans are worried about having to learn things again, such as the manager, owner, captain, leading scorer, country, city, badge and cool reference name for potential new teams. John Forsythe in Toronto was keen to choose Villa as he would be able to refer to himself as a Villian, however he is worried that their current eight place position would leave him with absolutely nothing to brag about to fellow fucktards. Meanwhile, Dorian Hilbert of Los Angeles was texting friends frantically to find out who was the John Terry of Manchester United. Blaise Cathros of DeMoises was excited to become a Citeh fan due to the similar color of their “shirts” as his once beloved Chelsea. Unfortunately he was disappointed to find that they were sky blue or “real fag like” as Blaise described them.

There is no shame in being rejected by Giselle Bundchen

Daniel Levy and the Spurs board are set to be rejected by another world-class manager. Jose Mourinho, who guided Chelsea to their first league title in 50 years, left the club last night after infighting between himself and owner Roman Abromivich had fractured their relationship too much to be salvaged.

The Tottenham Board is set to make and audacious move for the Portuguese manager, who is set to meet with Levy. Mourinho is unaware of this meeting as Levy will be posing as a Border and Immigration Agency official to check on the unemployed foreigner. As a backup, Paul Kemsley has arranged a second meeting with the Portugeezer, guised as an Animal Welfare Service visit to check up on Leya, his Yorkshire terrier.

The Special One is expected to reject the offer because he would rather win a World Cup than a Peace Cup. Both Levy and Kemsely are expected to be arraigned later for impersonating state officials.

Having watched Juande Ramos, Jurgen Klinsmann, Marcello Lippi and Fabio Capello reject advances from Spurs, like an AV geek asking out the entire cheerleading squad, the persistent Spurs' board remain determined. "It's like anal fisting," responded Levy, who was donning a wig for his impending gig, "sure 99 out of 100 women will say no and pepper spray you. But to find that one dirty whore, you have to ask them all."

When Mourinho rejects the North London Club, they are expected to pursue either Phil Scolari or Frank Rijkaard, who the manager is more likely to replace at either Portugal or Barcelona. Both men have changed their cell phone numbers in anticipation.

Ramos Given Three Weeks

After losing 3-0 to arch-rival Arsenal, Tottenham’s next manager Juande Ramos has been given three weeks to hold onto his potential job. Feelings in the boardroom at White Hart Lane are that Ramos will not be the man to lead them into the top four, even though his stellar record in both Spain and Europe, along with his current first place position in La Liga, speak volumes about his success.

Levy called Ramos into a private meeting at the posh Grosvenor House in London, after the poor showing by the Andalucía side, where he offered the Spanish manager a dizzying contract for next year and told him that he would be fired unless he could turn things around at Seville by the next International break.

When asked about the board, Ramos claimed that there were no issues between him and Daniel Levy. He affirmed that contrary to published reports that he will still be the answer to Spurs problems in two weeks time. “I have the support of my players, who desperately want me to leave Seville,” claimed Ramos.

Meanwhile Paul Kemsley was seen in Italy meeting with Marcello Lippi to discuss his future severance package with the North London side. The undermined Ramos has shown dignity at the news, but sources close the manager state that he is furious with his treatment by Levy and Damien Comolli, but will refuse to step down as he awaits the lucrative buy-out of his soon-to-be-signed contract with Tottenham.