Let's Remove the Potential Tag from Rene Adler

I’d like to talk this week about my man-crush, Rene Adler. Why is he my man-crush, you ask? Well, while the Bundesliga is my favorite league in the world, I have no team I support. It’s a liberating feeling because I can enjoy Bayern and Bremen or Schalke and BVB equally. Not so for the rest of the world, especially England. My one true club is Tottenham Hotspur and I can rarely enjoy an England match because of the subtext of said match in relation to Spurs. I am a nervous wreck about my club as I agonize more over losses and draws than I revel in victories. I go into this week’s Cup final with more misery than excitement. But such is my lot in life.

As a Spurs supporter and Bundesliga fanatic, there is one thing that stands out more than anything to me. My club’s lack of a goalkeeper and the plethora of great ones in Germany is a cruel juxtaposition; as I suffer a gaffe a game from my worthless pair of keepers, while I watch Adler, Neuer, Ulreich and Rensing make the future German #1 even more hairy than Löw’s choice between the old guard come this summer.

Of the young guns in the Bundesliga, Rene Adler is by far the most impressive and it is my fondest desire to see him manning the goal-mouth in North London. It will be my utter agony when he’s not and another bumbling Englishman leaks goals.

Watching the match-up between Karlsruhe and Bayer Leverkusen, I sat down to examine Rene Adler, to see if I am letting potential paint a better picture of Adler than is deserved. Is his ability now, enough to warrant consideration as a top notch goalie? I had come to believe that as with all youth, I was probably allowing his potential to be great to make him seem great prematurely: both enhancing outstanding plays and glossing over mistakes.

After his performance in Istanbul last week against Galatasaray, I felt that it was time to focus on him alone in a game. It just so happened that Leverkusen was playing a top six side this weekend, so I sat down to watch the upstarts and the re-emerging giants with full intent on finding the flaws of young Herr Adler.

There were none. His organization, communication, speed, strength, positioning, decision-making and bravery were all impeccable and together proved to be the complete package for a keeper. I came away from this game, with the realization that Rene Adler isn’t one for the future, he is one of the best goalies in Europe right now. And this was from a game where he conceded two goals.

What I have come to realize is that Bayer Leverkusen have a decent defense that is well organized. They do not have a great defense by any means. In fact, newly promoted Karlsruhe has much more talent in their back four than Michael Skibbe’s side. But what takes a well organized but unspectacular backline and turns it into the third stingiest in a very high-scoring league? The bookends of Simon Rolfes who plays as a holding mid in front of the back four and a keeper who makes the extraordinary common-occurrence.

Adler’s positioning is phenomenal. He had saves in the 54’ off Kennedy, 72’ off Franz and in the dying seconds of the game off the line that were due to his position in front of the net. In these cases he wasn’t required to move because he had set a sound base from which it was going to take the exceptional play to get the ball by him.

In the 60’, Fleiss did make the exceptional play. Left alone on the right channel, Freis curled the ball around Adler for KSC’s first goal, but Adler didn’t do anything wrong on this play. He guarded the near post cutting off the easy shot and forcing Fleiss to go around him with a shot that Adler still almost got a hand on.

It was an identical position (covering the near post) that had led to Adler’s second most impressive save of the game in the 8’ minute when Eichner, who tortured Sarpei the entire game, got free on the left and tried curl a shot around Adler. Adler was able to get down and get a hand on the low ball (that was bound for the back of the net) to parry it away. His quickness and agility are world-class.

What was the most impressive save, then? Well if you saw the game or highlights, you might think it was the 67’ save of a point-blank range shot that a free Hajnal made off a Freis flick-on. Adler charged the Hungarian playmaker, making his body an enormous obstacle, but Hajnal went low. Adler allowed his trailing leg to stay low and blocked the shot. It was perfect in every way. In light of Manuel Neuer’s allowing the exact same goal against Wolfsburg, it showed the difference between ability and potential, clearer than any accolades could possibly provide.

But that still wasn’t the most impressive save of the match. In the 40th minute, Hajnal was free just outside the box on the right with nobody in front of him. As usual Adler had a strong position, so Hajnal did the smart thing, he sent a screamer low across the goal mouth in an attempt to score on the far post. And he shot it so that the ball would bounce near Adler, which is always the most dangerous thing to do, because one never know how the ball will bounce. Adler dealt with the velocity, low trajectory and bounce by moving out to hand-save the ball before it could make contact with the turf. He eliminated the dangerous play by diving at an angle that an average or even decent keeper would never attempt. It was so sublime that it has found no mention in any game reports I doubt you even saw this one on the highlights, but it was worthy of comparisons to Cech, Buffon or Casillas. It showed intelligence and decision-making of the highest order..

It needs to be said that these were the highlight moments of the game. Karlsruhe dominated possession but was unable to get many shots in the game. Many of their through balls into the box found a Leverkusen defender, which is where the outstanding organization I mentioned earlier comes into play. But the goalkeeper is part of this organization, and such organization proves that Adler doesn’t detract from the back four (which is something Paul Robinson at Tottenham is guilty of).

Perhaps its time to remove the potential label associated with this young keeper. He’s beyond that now. Adler is the best goalkeeper in the Bundesliga and he is one big performance in a big away from stardom. I would contend that Joachim Löw could do worse than put his trust in Rene Adler this summer, let alone the future. And I feel that he will eventually become one of the most expensive goalkeepers in the world. Hint, hint Juande.

You A Glutton For Pain, But Hutton is Stayin'

For the third time this January, Alan Hutton is said to be contemplating and offer from Tottenham Hotspur. Having rejected the North London club twice already, it is assumed that he is searching for new and fresh ways to say no to Daniel Levy

Among his top choices

1) Using his well renowned Mr.T impression, he will announce to Levy on the BBC, “You a Glutton for Pain, but Hutton is Staying!”

2) As an amateur ventriloquist, Hutton has a racist doll he calls Mr. Wet Back, which he uses at local comedy hours. He will use this little tramp to reject Levy with his dandy catchphrase “Meeester Hutton no theeenks so!”

3) He will print up a shirt that read “I am Rangers’ Winston Bogarde” which he will flash to cameras when he scores against Hearts on Wednesday.

4) He will tell Levy that Steven Ireland's grandmother died and he has to go to the funeral. He will promise to give Levy a ring when he returns on the first.

5) He will point out in so uncertain terms that he would rather have unprotected sex with a homeless pre-op tranny.

6) He will state that much depends on the outcome of Super Tuesday and how many delegates he picks up in key states.

7) He will remind Levy that he could always take back chairmanship of Rangers if he wants to have the Scotsman as an employee.

8) He will Photoshop his face on the Rerun’s, Levy’s face on to Roger’s, Comolli’s face onto Dwayne’s and rework a downloaded JPEG of the 70’s show’s title to say “More Like, What’s Not Happening”

9) He will mumble “guy who isn’t signing me says ‘what’!” during their next phone call.

10) Two words: retraining order!

We Need More Binge Drinkers!

Tottenham supporters are getting a cold dose of reality this transfer window. With the appointment of Juande Ramos as manager of the club, it was expected that the club would be molded in a similar fashion as clubs he has molded in the past: speedy, fit and technical with a little Latin flair.

Since Daniel Levy took of the chairmanship of the club, there has long been a policy of buy English first and ask questions later. Frank Arnesen left the club when he was informed that his scouting of the continent was strictly forbidden. Needing a Director of Football like all English clubs, Damien Comolli was then hired to steward the club, but was able to negotiate the right to view tapes from French Ligue 1 on the condition that he make ridiculous bids between overpaying for crappy British players.

This has led to the current situation where Tottenham are, as Derby County Chairman Adam Pearson stated, his club’s only rival for ineptitude. With the opening of the January window, which was the first with Juande Ramos at the helm, it was felt that players would be brought in to slowly adapt to his tactical system. Links to Spanish, Italian, Argentine, Brazilian and Portuguese players have been shown to be the imagination of the deluded and deranged.

Instead, Spurs signed a Welsh winger that nobody else was interested in. They also ignored Alan Hutton’s multiple rejections, to bid on the defenseless defender from Scotland, over and over. Meanwhile Comolli’s quota signing is Arsenal’s Lassana “not good enough for the B team” Diarra, who was last seen playing on some 12 year-old kid’s Football Manager game because he couldn’t sell him to Dag and Red.

And news is abound today that the pathetic North London club are about to finally get Englishman Stewart Downing after failing for the past three years for a whopping £12 million. Neither speedy, nor fit, nor technical, it seems that the list of things that one can count on need not be limited to taxes and death. Spurs splashing insane cash on mediocre binge drinking melanoma candidates should now rank just ahead of death (as science hopes to cure this one) but below Newcastle fans thinking their club is “big”.

The needs at centerhalf and in central midfield will have to wait until Comolli can finish his tour of the Conference North, where teams hope for a sighting of Daniel Levy even more than an away draw at Old Trafford in the F.A. Cup.

Letter to a Bat-Shit Nation

Dear Magpie,

Sorry about the type II diabetes, but it is possible to eat foods that aren’t fried.

I just wanted to send you a thank you. Earlier in the season, we Yids were embarrassed that our beloved gaffer was unceremoniously fired by management. We did not call for his head and stuck by him throughout his three year tenure until the very end. Yes, it was sad that we were in a relegation position at the time of Jol’s dismissal, but we felt that things would sort themselves out. Management didn’t agree. But that didn’t stop you or any other fan from making fun of us.

But you made it up in spades when you called for the head of Big sam, within weeks of the start of the season and finally got your way this week, when your chairman booted a proven manager who had your team three places higher than it was last year. And your reasons changed more than often than the pattern of grease on your shirt: he’s not attacking enough; he’s spent too much money; he’s not won us silverware; he’s not Alan Shearer.

And to show you really cared, you immediately thought Jose Mourinho was going to take over your club. Thanks for keeping it “anything but real” and making our harrowing start of the season seem like we have our act together.

You always claim to be a bigger club than Tottenham, and I can say after this display that you truly are: Bigger idiots.

Sincerely,
Yiddo

P.S. Please accept this bottle of Coca Cola as a gift. It’s not good for your obesity, but you’re going to be seeing it a lot more in the near future.

Bring Out the Gimp

Spurs have been rejected by Ranger’s RB Alan Hutton for a second time this week. Even though Ranger’s chief Sir David Murray had went to the lengths of packing the Scottish international’s bags, forwarding his mail and burning down his house, Hutton rejected the move south. While rumors persist that he is holding out for a direct move to Manchester United, rather than moving to their feeder club, comments by Juande Ramos have led many to believe that Hutton knew that the Spurs boss wasn’t sold on him and he saw the writing on the wall. Especially since that wall was his garage and the writing was “I Don’t Rate You – Wendy” written in sheep’s blood, thereupon.

So what does Damien Comolli do, now that the public humiliation of being turned down by player with little-to-no pedigree? He’s a proud man, with little intelligence and high self-esteem…..I mean French. He has two options.

The first is to go alpha-male and never accept no for an answer. This will mean Damien will need to slip Hutton a roofie and smuggle him over the border. Hutton will wake to his shirt on inside out, hemorrhoids and debilitating cases of shame, anger and helplessness. The press conference where Comolli introduces Hutton, who will be curled up in the fetal position, admonishing his new talisman, a rape whistle, will show the world that Damien always gets his man.

But this is not the path that his boss Daniel Levy prefers as it has come out that another target; Ajax’s Urby Emmanuelsen has rejected any move to Tottenham. Levy may have his faults, but he knows that the roofie trick can only be used once as there is a thing as too much sodomy.

Levy has suggested that the club set its sights on much bigger fish. Subsequently the rumors are flying that Tottenham have made audacious bids of £30 million for Barcelona’s Ronaldinho and a £20 million for Real Madrid’s Fabio Canavarro. The eventual rejections by these two former World Players of the Year will put the aforementioned rejection by rejects on the back pages. Fans and media will forget that two kids who can’t defend didn’t want to join the Spurs devolution, as they concentrate on the fact that two superstars didn’t want to put the nails on the coffins of their career in the N17.

Is this what happiness feels like? I'm not impressed.

For Spurs supporters, Saturday can not come soon enough. A stellar 10 days has seen them win two crucial league games against top six opponents. In addition they have booked their place in the semi-finals of the Carling Cup by ending Manchester City ’s phenomenal home record this season, in a 2-0 drubbing while playing a man short for 70 minutes. The pending return of their captain Ledley King is further good news for the North London club that has been mired in an epic failing on all levels this season.

The Christmas spirit that has been inflicted upon the Yid faithful has left them feeling uncomfortable. “Downright creepy” is how one fan described it. Sickened by the prospect of hope and embittered by having to enjoy their pints at the local, the Yid faithful has pinned its hopes of a return to the comforting feelings of self-loathing and dread on the visit to bitter rival Arsenal this weekend.

With Arsenal bucking pre-season prognostication to sit atop of the table with a flowing style of football, Spurs fans can count on the usual drubbing from the Woolwich Wanderers. A sound defeat will scrub the feelings of joy and happiness from the Lillywhites and let them get back to what they do best: hating Sol Campbell, that cunt.

No Shit Sherlock

Daniel Levy’s favorite paper, the Evening Standard has reported that want-away midfielder Hossam Ghaly revealed, in an exclusive interview, that he will never play for Spurs again.

The Egyptian international, who had a controversial stint at the North London club is currently training with his former club Al-Ahly. He has no plans of returning to England, where he was once rejected by powerhouse Birmingham City for being lazier than a trailer-park whore with a case of Busch Light during a Judge Judy marathon. Known around White Hart Lane as “C’mon You Fucking Cunt” or “Cunt” for short, the player once ceremoniously threw his shirt to the ground, when subbed due to a poor performance.

So no matter who the manager is:, whether it be the jovial Jol or the strict Juande Ramos, Hossam Ghaly has made it clear that he understands what all Tottenham supporters understood last year: He will not play for Tottenham Hotspur again.

“While I had my issues with Jol,” reported the worthless sack of shit, “Juande has a keen eye for talent, and will figure out quickly that I have none.”

Jol's Blog Will Detail UCL for Daniel Levy

Martin Jol is on the verge of meeting Tottenham Chairman Daniel Levy’s demand of Champion’s League football. While Daniel Levy and Damien Comolli have made a mess of the season at White Hart Lane and ensured their continued absence from Europe’s grand stage, Martin Jol is on the verge of securing his spot in the group stage of this year’s contest.

In fact, if things move quickly, Martin Jol could be making a visit to Fenerbahce next week for his first game. The affable Dutchman is on the verge of taking over at PSV Eindhoven after their manager, Ronald Koeman, agreed to become the new caretaker at Valencia. Sitting currently third in group G behind their next opponent and Inter Milan, the Champion’s League regulars are looking to the man who was so brazenly dumped from his post with the third best team in North London.

The most interesting scenario would see Jol guide the Eredivisie Champions to the UEFA Cup where they could meet his old club in the knock-out stage. A visiting Jol might well ensure that Spurs play their first road game at White Hart Lane. And when PSV concede a late goal to Juande Ramos’ side, the Spurs faithful can go home with that feeling of familiarity that they have so long enjoyed.

Of course there are many mitigating factors that could affect this scenario. The most obvious is that Koeman will most likely be run out of town by Valencia fans by the time you read this and will be back at PSV before they can hire Jol. This isn’t the first time Jol has been within a breath of UCL football to see it slip away. So, Martin Jol has vowed to avoid lasagna until he emerges from the tunnel at Şükrü Saracoğlu Stadium.

Hughes Shock Revelation, "Sand is Sandy"

Mark Hughes has ruled out a switch to the newly vacated managerial position at Tottenham Hotspur. It’s a bold move by the Blackburn gaffer who isn’t even under consideration for the position.

While it is well known that Martin Jol was sacked in favor of Seville coach Juande Ramos, Hughes wanted to assure Blackburn fans that he was going nowhere. “Blackburn is the only team for me,” Hughes told jubilated fans before continuing, “No seriously. Nobody else will have me.” While is currently listed as the bookies second choice behind the already hired Ramos, it should be noted that it listed under his nickname “Other”.

Mark Hughes has a strong history of stating the obvious. His past proclamations have included such insights as “You have to score to win”, “Going into Old Trafford can be tough”, “The sky is blue”, “I will never be the Queen of England” and “My man perm was regrettable”.

Hughes has also ruled himself out of the positions at Arsenal, Bayern Munich and Barcelona.

A Collective Effort

The hopes of fourth place have been replaced by the hope of survival, as Tottenham have officially entered the relegation race. The reason they are there is quite simply, the team is awful. From the board on down, almost everybody had contributed to the downfall.

While it’s easy to place the blame on one person, it’s really a collective effort. So, here is a rundown on the most visible parties of the organization and what should be done with them.

Paul Robinson
Fatty McFat Fat. Unable to handle crosses, set pieces, shots from distance. Parries anything he can get hold of in front of his net. He provides no security to the back line and no guidance. In a nut-shell, he is more useless than an appendix.

Decision: Drop him off at the nearest McDonald’s and hope he can’t find his way back to the Lane.

Radek Cerny
He’s looked serviceable when we have seen him, but he’s no #1.

Decision: Caretaker until January.

Pascal Chimbonda
Chimbonda has skill. The issue is that he only prefers to use it eight times a year, when he is facing off against one of the big four. With Spurs pathetic record against the big boys, this might seem a good thing, but it doesn’t compensate for the dreary and uninterested performances the other 30 days during the campaign.

Decision: Sell him, while you can make a profit.

Michael Dawson
Any defender who only prospers when attached to a stronger defender is actually quite worthless. Michael Dawson is a phenomenal player with King, but and average to less-than-average defender when King is oft injured. His positioning and confidence rely too heavily on the input of the captain. As the senior defender, he has brought little authority and confidence to the team. His height has led to little in the way of security on set pieces and even less as set piece options for Tottenham on the attack. In the long run, he is just an average hard-working player.

Decision: Dawson would be an exceptional backup, if he is willing to accept the role. Otherwise, off to the Championship.

Ledley King
People often speak of Berbatov as our one truly world-class player. King’s consistent injuries over the past two years have made them forget that King’s probably the most gifted player to put on a Spurs’ jersey since Gazza. (and yes that includes Jurgen and Ginola).

Decision: If he returns soon and can stay healthy, a gerbil could manage this team to the top half of the table.

Younes Kaboul
He’s young and learning the league, but damn if he doesn’t look like he will be one the league’s top defender in two or three years. His positioning is rather poor at the moment, but that can be taught. Throwing him into the fire might turn out to be helpful in the long term, but he does have faults at the moment and playing alongside Dawson won’t sort them out.

Decision: One for the future, but shaky at the moment. Might be a potential DM.

Anthony Gardner
Gardner’s an accident waiting to happen. He has been able to make if games without it costing the team, but he’s a Championship player.

Decision: If we could we would have sold him ages ago. So he is a squad player until his contract runs out.

Ricardo Rocha
The jury is still out. He isn’t adapting to the English game very well, and he seems average at best.

Decision: Not good enough. Sell him back to a Portuguese side since we can’t get rid of Gardner.

Young Pyo-Lee
He is a decent left back. Get’s forward well, but is way too reliant on his right foot, which opponents know. He’s fairly solid defensively, although he does have an occasional howler at the back.

Decision: It depends on Bale. If we leave him in the midfield, then Lee will continue to be a number one. If Bale becomes our LB, then Lee should be sold while he still has value.

Tom Huddlestone
Gifted with sublime passing and world-class vision, he is hampered by a lack of speed. He’s not one to get stuck in, which means he will never be able to be a pure defensive midfielder. But he has shown himself to be a competent player with loads of potential.

Decision: Is suited for a five man mid-field, especially if bookended by a strong DM and #10. I personally, think there might be a case for building such a system, but that will depend on the next manager. For now, keep him and play him, but don’t call him a DM.

Didier Zokora
On a rare occasion, he will have a good game. On a rare occasion, I can sleep with Jessica Alba. When he isn’t having a good game, he drags down the team like nobody else. Whoever pairs with him, ends up covering for his lack of positional clarity. He is neither a defensive mid, a holding mid, a box-to-box mid nor an attacking mid. He has no final pass and, to overuse a bad comparison, I will score with the aforementioned Alba before he does with Spurs. He is in short appalling. And he is the benchmark, from which all criticism of Damien Comolli is born. He was supposed to be better than Carrick and he isn’t better than Dean Marney. But all is not lost with him. He might be a decent right back, because he can make a decent run and he is capable of a tackle. I am serious.

Decision: Give him a new position.

Kevin-Prince Boateng
One game against the Cypriots and it was poor by all accounts. Still, it’s one game and with his brother becoming a revelation at Hamburg and K-Prince being more highly touted, it’s time to give him a starting position and let him get used to the league.

Decision: Should be starting NOW!

Teemu Tianio
He is a fierce competitor and decent squad player. He is often injured but he is Tottenham through and through.

Decision: Squad player. Not a starter.

Aaron Lennon
It is absolutely impossible to assess Aaron Lennon. He hasn’t been played in his natural position for an entire game in so long; one would think he’s a left-sided midfielder. He is being wasted by Jol.

Decision: Let’s try him on the right. He might do okay.

Gareth Bale
He is the only brightness in the gloom that surrounds this squad.

Decision: All that and a bag of chips. Leave him in the midfield.

Adel Taraabt
They won’t play him, even though he has been shown to be useful. Rather than play him on the left, Jol would rather play an unfit Tianio or out-of-position Lennon. It’s starting to look as if he is a pawn in the rift between Jol and Comolli.

Decision: Should be on the bench for every game as a late game option.

Jermaine Jenas
He is absolutely awesome against Derby. That’s it, and that’s a problem. He is always absent against good teams. He is a tireless runner, but he’s a poor fit for the team and we are all tired of his automatic, but underserved spot in the starting XI.

Decision: Time to sell him.

Steed Malbranque
He too is a tireless worker and does well against Derby. However, he can be a positive force in a game and has never been allowed to play his natural position.

Decision: Since K-Prince won’t be given the CM role like I am demanding, Steed needs to be played in Jenas’ place.

Dimitar Berbatov
Uninterested. And I understand. Everyone talks about the effect of four strikers on Defoe, but it’s been worse for Mitko. He is one of the best players in England and he is subbed every game. He is a man to build a team around, not a 60 minute player.

Decision: Either build the team around him or sell him. As a football fan, I would rather see him happy somewhere else, gracing the league with his elegance, than watch this club squander his potential.

Robbie Keane
What can you say about a man on such a pathetic team, whose only pitfall is his constant bitching to the referees? He is also willing to do whatever is asked of him and would make the perfect third striker.

Decision: Untouchable.

Darren Bent
He hasn’t been given a proper chance. He may well get it when Defoe and Berbatov leave.

Decision: He will be a good buy, just not a cost-effective one.

Jermain Defoe
He is the only player that is being properly deployed by Martin Jol as he is absolutely pot. Sure he scores occasionally. His ratio of goals to SOG is horrendous.

Decision: Why hasn’t he already been sold?

Martin Jol
First he lost the board; then he lost the smart supporters; then he lost the club house; now he has lost the other supporters. Can’t manage the players or tactics and this team is soft.

Decision: If he loves the team, the way he claims, he would walk away.

Chris Hughton
He is a legendary player, and a legendary poor coach. Hell, not one person can tell you what he does. Is accountable for the poor conditioning of the team, their lack of shape and provides no tactical input to Jol.

Decision: Needs to go.

Damien Comolli
Look at the team. He bought most of it. Judge him appropriately.

Decision: The biggest problem with the club. His poor judge of talent and undermining of Jol are the main source for this season’s implosion. Hopefully the fans will start demanding his head. Otherwise he will drag us down.

Daniel Levy
He botched the Juande Ramos situation, but he was right. He has put money into the team and truly cares about the team. He may eventually sell, but that does not conflict with making this team great.

Decision: Needs to give up on the Director of Football, but otherwise my respect for him, which dipped during the Ramos fiasco, is back to where it was.

Squadagrams: Tottenham Hotspur

Gaffer - Martin Jol: Morn A Jilt

Starting IX:
GK - Paul Robinson: Pain Lobs Upon
RB - Pascal Chimbond: Lob In Madcap Cash
CB - Ledley King: Deny Leg Ilk
CB - Michael Dawson: I, Ashamed Clown
LB - Lee Young Pyo: Elope Yon Guy!
RM - Aaron Lennon: No! Ran on Lane?
CM - Didier Zakora: A Kiddie Razor?
CM - Jermaine Jenas: A Ninja Jeers Me
LM - Gareth Bale: The Able Rag
FW - Dimitar Berbatov: Bomb! Artier Davit
FW - Robbie Keane: I Bee on Break

Bench -
Tom Huddlestone: Stout Demon. Held!
Adel Taraabt: Ad A Brat, Late
Younes Kaboul: So U A Bulky One
Radek Cerny: Dear Ken Cry
Jermain Defoe: Rejoin! Defame!

Cerny's New Hobby: Suicidal Ideation

Radek Cerny has decided to hang up his boots. The former Czech U21 keeper, who is now the country’s #2 behind Petr Cech, has concluded that he must be the world’s worst goal keeper. The subsequent depression and self-loathing has made him suicidal, on good days. In 2005, he joined Tottenham Hotspur on an 18 month loan spell from Slavia Prague, which was recently extended for a year, and things looked rosy. But his time in London has stripped him of all hope, much like Spurs supporters, and he sees no reason to continue playing. He plans on retiring imminently to follow his new dream of spiraling out of control on booze and drugs until he dies alone and forgotten.

He sits behind Paul Robinson, the England #1, in the pecking order at White Hart Lane. Cerny doesn’t have enough confidence from Martin Jol to warrant time on the pitch, no matter how putrid Robinson’s form or the opposing team is. While it is well-known that Robinson is the worst keeper ever to play at the top level of English football, he is still better than Cerny.

What makes Robinson so bad? Paul Robinson has a clawfoot, which makes coming out impossible, subsequently the team is squalid against crosses and set pieces. If this weren’t enough, Robinson also suffers from a slew of illness/conditions that should omit him from a starting role for any club, let alone a rich one. These conditions include: myopia, which inhibits his ability to see the ball unless it hits him in the face; social anxiety disorder leading to selective mutism, which causes him to be incapable of communicating with his back line; metabolic syndrome that has caused massive obesity and the inability to move; and, congenital radial club hands which make holding a football all but impossible. Yet despite all of these conditions, Radek Cerny’s few turns with the first team were after Robinson grew too large to even crane him out of his window at home. After emergency liposuction, during these incidents, Robinson has immediately been wheeled back into the starting lineup.

“I used to think they feel sorry for Paul,” said Radek when we caught up to him, “now I see that my pathos enable him and staff. It is time to right ship.” He added, “I’m like the guy who is eviler than Satan, but because one can’t imagine evil beyond Satan, that guy is forgotten. I’m him, only replace evil with shitty keeping and Satan with Robbo.” Cerny then took the first sip on his road to blissful alcoholism.

There is no shame in being rejected by Giselle Bundchen

Daniel Levy and the Spurs board are set to be rejected by another world-class manager. Jose Mourinho, who guided Chelsea to their first league title in 50 years, left the club last night after infighting between himself and owner Roman Abromivich had fractured their relationship too much to be salvaged.

The Tottenham Board is set to make and audacious move for the Portuguese manager, who is set to meet with Levy. Mourinho is unaware of this meeting as Levy will be posing as a Border and Immigration Agency official to check on the unemployed foreigner. As a backup, Paul Kemsley has arranged a second meeting with the Portugeezer, guised as an Animal Welfare Service visit to check up on Leya, his Yorkshire terrier.

The Special One is expected to reject the offer because he would rather win a World Cup than a Peace Cup. Both Levy and Kemsely are expected to be arraigned later for impersonating state officials.

Having watched Juande Ramos, Jurgen Klinsmann, Marcello Lippi and Fabio Capello reject advances from Spurs, like an AV geek asking out the entire cheerleading squad, the persistent Spurs' board remain determined. "It's like anal fisting," responded Levy, who was donning a wig for his impending gig, "sure 99 out of 100 women will say no and pepper spray you. But to find that one dirty whore, you have to ask them all."

When Mourinho rejects the North London Club, they are expected to pursue either Phil Scolari or Frank Rijkaard, who the manager is more likely to replace at either Portugal or Barcelona. Both men have changed their cell phone numbers in anticipation.

Ramos Given Three Weeks

After losing 3-0 to arch-rival Arsenal, Tottenham’s next manager Juande Ramos has been given three weeks to hold onto his potential job. Feelings in the boardroom at White Hart Lane are that Ramos will not be the man to lead them into the top four, even though his stellar record in both Spain and Europe, along with his current first place position in La Liga, speak volumes about his success.

Levy called Ramos into a private meeting at the posh Grosvenor House in London, after the poor showing by the Andalucía side, where he offered the Spanish manager a dizzying contract for next year and told him that he would be fired unless he could turn things around at Seville by the next International break.

When asked about the board, Ramos claimed that there were no issues between him and Daniel Levy. He affirmed that contrary to published reports that he will still be the answer to Spurs problems in two weeks time. “I have the support of my players, who desperately want me to leave Seville,” claimed Ramos.

Meanwhile Paul Kemsley was seen in Italy meeting with Marcello Lippi to discuss his future severance package with the North London side. The undermined Ramos has shown dignity at the news, but sources close the manager state that he is furious with his treatment by Levy and Damien Comolli, but will refuse to step down as he awaits the lucrative buy-out of his soon-to-be-signed contract with Tottenham.

Fecal Matter Angered by Comparison to Zokora

In a press conference held earlier today, Screaming Eagle who is the spokes-excrement for the Fecal Waste Solidarity Union made a concerted plea for his fellow scat everywhere. “Long have we accepted your comparisons to our kind when it comes to poor footballers in the Premiership…sorry Premier League, but you have gone too far in comparing us to Didier Zokora,” pleaded the sphincter spear. “We accepted when you said Titus Bramble was shit or Eric Djemba-Djemba was as useful as creamy butt nuggets or Li Weifeng sucked mud bunnies or Nigel Quashie was a sack of toilet orphans or even that Shevchenko had completely turned to lumpy farts,” continued the piece of intestinal sculpture, “We even kept our mouths shut when you called Khalid Boulahrouz a blivic; but what have we ever done to you, so that you would possibly want to compare us to Didier Zokora?”

Speaking from a backed-up sewage pipe near the Seven Sisters Road in North London, the corn-eyed butt snake pleaded with football fans everywhere to show respect to the by-products of their overindulgence in pies and beer. “While I may never be able to accomplish tricks like Ronaldinho,” claimed the tangy butt nut, “I sure as heck can pass a ball to a wide-open man or even shoot on target.” In the future, the chocolate soldier has asked that poor players be likened to maggots, rotting food or even fellow fluids. “For too long you have ignored bile, semen, urine and menstruation, while you have continued to heap the burden of your own failings on me and my fellow dookies,” the exasperated ass apple pleaded, “Zokora was too much. Please let us have some peace!”

The Silly Season (8/5)

Wigan have moved to strengthen their squad for next year’s promotion dogfight by picking up Fulham’s Michael Brown. The midfielder was seen as surplus to requirements at Fulham,; inasmuch that he is not Northern Irish. When asked why he had decided on Wigan, Brown responded “At Fulham there is only a possibility of relegation. Here at Wigan it’s a certainty. That’s comforting.”

Tottenham Hotspur has signed Kevin-Prince Boateng from Hertha Berlin for £4.5 million. The attacking midfielder is the self-proclaimed “ghetto” kid. And he will look to live up to that moniker by being a dilapidated, graffiti-laden and ignored part of an otherwise respectable squad. This is the latest in Spurs determined effort to secure the services of any and all highly overrated young center-mids.

Sammy Lee has moved to show the distinction between himself and his predecessor Sam Allardyce. “Big” Sam was known for securing transfers for aging or unwanted talents. “Oopaloompa” Sam has taken a different approach by signing young players lacking any resemblance to talent. His latest include Hungarian U21 goalkeeper Adam Bogdan, who has been a stalwart of the Hungarian second division and will soon be a stalwart of the English second division. He has also secured Norse winger Daniel Braaten from Rosenborg, who looks to be Bolton’s answer to Emil Hallfredsson.

Sven has been at it again: this time with a quadruple swoop. He has brought Spanish defender Javi Garrido, Croatian defender Vedran Corluka, Bulgarian headache Valeri Bojinov and Brazilian midfielder Elano to the City of Manchester Stadium. In addition, he is looking to secure a large percentage of the European Commission’s 1,300 translators to help him teach the new players such phrases as “pass it square”, “everyone behind the ball” and “38 draws should keep us up.”

Birmingham City have brought in Aston Villa’s Liam Ridgewell and Fulham’s Franck Queudrue to shore up defense as the season approaches. Earlier it had been reported that Steve Bruce had also secured the rights to Tottenham’s want-away midfielder Hossam Ghaly. However, Ghaly pulled out of the deal when he heard that he would be playing in front of players such as Ridgewell and Queudrue, stating “If I am going to be on a team with a porous defense, I might as well stay in London.”

The producers of “Whatever Happened to Alan Smith” were visibly shaken by the news that the ex-Leeds star was leaving Manchester United for Newcastle. Sam Allardyce had won the race for the 26-year-old, beating off competition from the likes of Bradford pub side “The Crow and Finch.” A versatile striker, who has sucked as both a forward and defensive midfielder, Smith may soon find himself stinking up a new position: waterboy.

Newcastle United have also agreed to a deal for Villarreal full-back Jose Enrique. Enrique is a Spanish U21 international. This is new territory for the ex-Bolton boss, who has yet to sign a player on the good side of 30, let alone the good side of 20. When informed of this fact, Big Sam responded “I was wondering what that number after the U meant.” However it has to be noted that Enrique will be youngest player assigned to the Newcastle youth academy, which is the basis of the Tyneside’s U29 squad.

Manchester United have signed someone called Carlos Tevez. Little is known about this player and it is believed that he is a 6’2 goalkeeper. As more comes in, remember to check this space for updates.

Tea-Bagging Monkey Nuts Is Hard Work

Earlier in the week, Hossam Ghaly agreed to terms with Birmingham City. He was transferred from Tottenham for a fee of £3 million. The center-mid had begun practicing with the Boresley Green outfit while a work permit was awaited.

But three days was enough for Steve Bruce, and he has sent the Egyptian international on the walk of shame back to White Hart Lane before the permit could be processed. It seems that Bruce concluded in those three days what it had taken Martin Jol two years to establish: Ghaly sucks monkey nuts. The statement is rather ironic because it takes a fair amount of accuracy to tea-bag monkey scrotum, which as anyone of Jol’s squad can tell you, Ghaly most assuredly does not possess. Unlike Jol, Bruce was unwilling to even dip into that river of de Nile.

This is the second time this silly season that Steve Bruce has cruelly reversed a move for an Egyptian from Daniel Levy. Last week, Mido’s £6 million move to St. Andrews was called off due to clauses, in the £40,000 a week contract offered, that were unacceptable. It is believed that the clauses were based on scoring goals, which is a prospect that is alien to the ex-Ajax, ex-Roma, ex-Celta, ex-Everyone hitman, and he feared being able to afford to feed his family if such a responsibility were placed on him.

The pair of Egyptians are becoming harder to get rid of than a yeast infection, with all of the painful urination problems heaped on poor Spurs fans. The Dutch gaffer has taken the drastic measures of putting them for sale on E-bay under the banner “2 Twats for Sale.” It seems that there is a bidding war between three unwitting Trekkies, who live in their parent’s basement. Whether Vulcan mind tricks will work on the petulant duo is under debate.