1) Arsenal
We have just learned that Jens Lehmann declined to join Dortmund because he likes to play in a stadium where only his voice can be heard.
2) Manchester United
How good is Christiano Ronaldo? He’s been marked out of games by central midfield Jamie O’Hara and rightback Pascal Chimbonda in the past week. Kaka has cleared space for another World Player of the Year award.
3) Chelsea
I feel robbed. Was I the only one that didn’t fuck Anelka on his wedding day?
4) Everton
Sure the disallowed goal wasn't actually offside, but to be fair to the linesman was raising the flag for the simulation he assumed Andy Johnson was about to engage in.
5) Liverpool
A supporters trust wants fans to buy the club from the Yanks in a structure similar to Barcelona. The Scouse faithful can enter this noble cause for £5,000. Home and Auto Insurance premiums have skyrocketed throughout the city.
6) Aston Villa
Chivas USA’s Brad Guzan wasn’t allowed to join the Birmingham club by the home office. It was just too much to think that there could be four better American keepers in the EPL than any of the dregs that Don Fabio is forced to use.
7) Manchester City
Flops, knocks and shady dealings at the forward position. At this point, even Robert Earnshaw might not return Sven’s calls.
8) Blackburn
Considering their current run of form, I will “draw” the conclusion that they are bound for another year of magnificent mediocrity.
9) Portsmouth
Jermain Defoe: beautiful goal bookended by a series of pathetic misses. Only the shirt had changed.
10) West Ham
Whose cannoli does Robert Green have suck the creamy filling out of to get a call up?
11) Tottenham
It’s hard to break with their traditions: White kits, attacking play, conceding late.
12) Newcastle United
Knock knock? Who’s there? Relegation. We’re your new neighbors and just wanted to welcome you to the neighborhood.
13) Middlesbrough
Alves is jetting in to be the newest striker that can’t hit the back of the net.
14) Bolton
Was Nicolas Anelka, Bolton’s Henry? Sure the team is playing better without him, but I am referring to his infidelity issues that came to light after the move.
15) Wigan
Steve Bruce won the Marlon King lottery, which is the equivalent of winning £1 on a £2 scratch card.
16) Sunderland
Rade Prica, who scored on his debut, is something of a novelty at Sunderland. He has neither played with or against Roy Keane before.
17) Reading
Second season-itis? Or shitty defense-it is?
18) Birmingham City
Villa. Always with the fucking Villa!
19) Fulham
So during all that time in Finland, did Roy Hodgson think to ask anyone Jari Litmanen’s age? On the plus side, Leon Andreasen will be considered a brilliant signing by season’s end.
20) Derby County
Subtly improving. It might be too late to avoid relegation, but not too late to restore some pride. And with Roy Caroll in goal, Spurs might be well advised to make sure any potential goal put a bulge in the old onion bag, to quote a drunken leprechaun.
Showing posts with label Table Never Lies. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Table Never Lies. Show all posts
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
Thursday, January 17, 2008
The Table Never Lies (1/17)
1) Manchester United
Sure Ronaldo is good, but is he Alexandre Pato good?
2) Arsenal
Arsene Wenger has claimed that once a player leaves, he is gone for good. But Lehmann won't fold so easily.
3) Chelsea
Beletti wonders about the mythical space that one isn't allowed in the English game, as compared to the Spain.
4) Liverpool
Now that’s how you respond to all the critics: you embarrass a beleaguered third division relegation candidate at home that has been forced to sell five of its best players to avoid being closing shop. Good on ya!
5) Everton
Manuel Fernandes is back! Don't unpack, lad, as Ronald Koeman is a potential candidate if Moyes leaves.
6) Aston Villa
Jermain Defoe to Villa? Really? Has anyone noticed how big Defoe is? Martin O'Neill is to big strikers what Defoe is to bad haircuts.
7) Manchester City
Nery Castillo dislocates a shoulder in his second game. His new moniker is the Mexican Boijinov.
8) Blackburn
Mark Hughes' has written Carlos Alberto Parreira demanding an explanation as to why Benni McCarthy wasn't invited to the South African squad for the African Cup of Nations.
9) Portsmouth
Sol Campbell quit on the Kenwyne Jones to Richardson goal. Sol "quitting" would come to no surprise to either North London club.
10) West Ham
John Hartson is feeling quite lonely now that Dean Ashton has dropped 3 or 4 stones and bleached his scalp the color of his remaining hair.
11) Newcastle
Well much can be said of this past week, but here's your problem in a nutshell: Steven Taylor is both your best defender and your best keeper and he's not particularly good at either.
12) Tottenham Hotspur
Juande Ramos is concerned about how Spurs’ treble of cups will affect the team’s league form. Talk to us next Tuesday after the League semi, when Arsenal beats your new club for the Umpteenth time in a row.
13) Reading
Steve Coppell has claimed he won't be forced into panic buys this transfer window. With your defense Steve, your way beyond panic.
14) Middlesbrough
They could land Alfonso Alves from Heereenveen. AZ Alkmaar claims they have signed the Brazilian forward, after December talks with Heereenveen, even though no paperwork was completed or registered. Tottenham is pulling for AZ as their hope of Alan Hutton has new life.
15) Bolton
It had been claimed they have too much talent to be relegated. He left for Chelsea. You know the rest.
16) Birmingham City
Damien Jonhson received a gift basket and thank you card from Peter Cech this week. The note read "thanks for making me look less douchey".
17) Wigan
Considering his brief past with Hossam Ghaly, Steve Bruce must have seen Derby as a 11 on 10 situation.
18) Sunderland
Well so much for the old adage of “rapists can’t organize a defense”
19) Fulham
American Eddie Johnson is rumored to be moving to Craven Cottage. Let's just cut out the middle-man and make Fulham the eastern-most MLS club.
20) Derby County
Have actually made themselves significantly better in the January window. Now if Jewell can only get the cast gelled in time to catch Fulham.
Sure Ronaldo is good, but is he Alexandre Pato good?
2) Arsenal
Arsene Wenger has claimed that once a player leaves, he is gone for good. But Lehmann won't fold so easily.
3) Chelsea
Beletti wonders about the mythical space that one isn't allowed in the English game, as compared to the Spain.
4) Liverpool
Now that’s how you respond to all the critics: you embarrass a beleaguered third division relegation candidate at home that has been forced to sell five of its best players to avoid being closing shop. Good on ya!
5) Everton
Manuel Fernandes is back! Don't unpack, lad, as Ronald Koeman is a potential candidate if Moyes leaves.
6) Aston Villa
Jermain Defoe to Villa? Really? Has anyone noticed how big Defoe is? Martin O'Neill is to big strikers what Defoe is to bad haircuts.
7) Manchester City
Nery Castillo dislocates a shoulder in his second game. His new moniker is the Mexican Boijinov.
8) Blackburn
Mark Hughes' has written Carlos Alberto Parreira demanding an explanation as to why Benni McCarthy wasn't invited to the South African squad for the African Cup of Nations.
9) Portsmouth
Sol Campbell quit on the Kenwyne Jones to Richardson goal. Sol "quitting" would come to no surprise to either North London club.
10) West Ham
John Hartson is feeling quite lonely now that Dean Ashton has dropped 3 or 4 stones and bleached his scalp the color of his remaining hair.
11) Newcastle
Well much can be said of this past week, but here's your problem in a nutshell: Steven Taylor is both your best defender and your best keeper and he's not particularly good at either.
12) Tottenham Hotspur
Juande Ramos is concerned about how Spurs’ treble of cups will affect the team’s league form. Talk to us next Tuesday after the League semi, when Arsenal beats your new club for the Umpteenth time in a row.
13) Reading
Steve Coppell has claimed he won't be forced into panic buys this transfer window. With your defense Steve, your way beyond panic.
14) Middlesbrough
They could land Alfonso Alves from Heereenveen. AZ Alkmaar claims they have signed the Brazilian forward, after December talks with Heereenveen, even though no paperwork was completed or registered. Tottenham is pulling for AZ as their hope of Alan Hutton has new life.
15) Bolton
It had been claimed they have too much talent to be relegated. He left for Chelsea. You know the rest.
16) Birmingham City
Damien Jonhson received a gift basket and thank you card from Peter Cech this week. The note read "thanks for making me look less douchey".
17) Wigan
Considering his brief past with Hossam Ghaly, Steve Bruce must have seen Derby as a 11 on 10 situation.
18) Sunderland
Well so much for the old adage of “rapists can’t organize a defense”
19) Fulham
American Eddie Johnson is rumored to be moving to Craven Cottage. Let's just cut out the middle-man and make Fulham the eastern-most MLS club.
20) Derby County
Have actually made themselves significantly better in the January window. Now if Jewell can only get the cast gelled in time to catch Fulham.
Thursday, January 3, 2008
The Table Never Lies (1/3)
1. Arsenal – If Adebayor scores, they win. It could be the reason the Mali F.A. is voted their most valuable player.
2. Manchester United – Sir Alex thinks the fans are docile. The fans think the stadium is a police state. I think the football was catatonic against Brum.
3. Chelsea – If wives and/or husbands went down as quickly as Michael Ballack, the divorce rate would be nowhere near 50%.
4. Manchester City – Rolando Bianchi and Samaras are set to leave. But Sven has Nery a worry at forward.
5. Liverpool – Want to see delusion at its highest? Football Rumors runs a daily message board dedicated to transfer rumors. Mostly it’s the Liverpool faithful confident of Kompany and van der Vaart when they can’t even afford the long distance charges. Being poor sucks.
6. Everton – I have figured out what Andrew Johnson’s goal celebrating “A” stands for – Absent!
7. Aston Villa – Are four center-halves the way to go?
8. Portsmouth – What exactly is the point of going into debt to build a new ground when your players are aching to go on the road?
9. Blackburn – Hughes is looking to sign Sofia Levski’s Valeri Domovchiyski, considered the new Berbatov. United is looking to tap him up in February.
10. West Ham – Curbishley is rumored to have a £40 million war chest. That can buy a lot of average, injury-prone players.
11. Newcastle – Is it possible to boo a God? Check back in a month for my new column “Shearered and Flayed”
12. Tottenham – To be honest, they are considered a cup team. By this time next week, who knows what they will be considered.
13. Reading – Dave Kitson has claimed that he could care less about the F.A. Cup. As a Spurs fan, he’s just guarding himself against the eventual bitter disappointment.
14. Bolton – Anelka admits to Chelsea interest. Wow that was out of left field.
15. Middlesbrough – Gareth Southgate has urged Alan Shearer to rule out an interest in the Newcastle job to ease the pressure on Sam Allardyce. Why? How long does anyone think Toothy McTooth will be employed when Big Sam is available?
16. Birmingham City – McLeish is set to dump five players in the January window. What about the other 23?
17. Wigan – Titus Bramble is quickly ruining the easiest joke in the business.
18. Sunderland – Linked with Robbie Savage. For heaven’s sake Roy, your only decent signings were the two guys that don’t have a United past. Cut the fucking cord!
19. Fulham – Offering Ray Hodgson £1 million to keep the legacy of Lawrie from going down? There’s a Lindsay Lohan joke here somewhere.
20. Derby – In deference to our friend Shakira, there will be no jokes regarding….oh fuck that….these guys stink worse than folds of a fat guy’s stomach after a vigorous walk.
2. Manchester United – Sir Alex thinks the fans are docile. The fans think the stadium is a police state. I think the football was catatonic against Brum.
3. Chelsea – If wives and/or husbands went down as quickly as Michael Ballack, the divorce rate would be nowhere near 50%.
4. Manchester City – Rolando Bianchi and Samaras are set to leave. But Sven has Nery a worry at forward.
5. Liverpool – Want to see delusion at its highest? Football Rumors runs a daily message board dedicated to transfer rumors. Mostly it’s the Liverpool faithful confident of Kompany and van der Vaart when they can’t even afford the long distance charges. Being poor sucks.
6. Everton – I have figured out what Andrew Johnson’s goal celebrating “A” stands for – Absent!
7. Aston Villa – Are four center-halves the way to go?
8. Portsmouth – What exactly is the point of going into debt to build a new ground when your players are aching to go on the road?
9. Blackburn – Hughes is looking to sign Sofia Levski’s Valeri Domovchiyski, considered the new Berbatov. United is looking to tap him up in February.
10. West Ham – Curbishley is rumored to have a £40 million war chest. That can buy a lot of average, injury-prone players.
11. Newcastle – Is it possible to boo a God? Check back in a month for my new column “Shearered and Flayed”
12. Tottenham – To be honest, they are considered a cup team. By this time next week, who knows what they will be considered.
13. Reading – Dave Kitson has claimed that he could care less about the F.A. Cup. As a Spurs fan, he’s just guarding himself against the eventual bitter disappointment.
14. Bolton – Anelka admits to Chelsea interest. Wow that was out of left field.
15. Middlesbrough – Gareth Southgate has urged Alan Shearer to rule out an interest in the Newcastle job to ease the pressure on Sam Allardyce. Why? How long does anyone think Toothy McTooth will be employed when Big Sam is available?
16. Birmingham City – McLeish is set to dump five players in the January window. What about the other 23?
17. Wigan – Titus Bramble is quickly ruining the easiest joke in the business.
18. Sunderland – Linked with Robbie Savage. For heaven’s sake Roy, your only decent signings were the two guys that don’t have a United past. Cut the fucking cord!
19. Fulham – Offering Ray Hodgson £1 million to keep the legacy of Lawrie from going down? There’s a Lindsay Lohan joke here somewhere.
20. Derby – In deference to our friend Shakira, there will be no jokes regarding….oh fuck that….these guys stink worse than folds of a fat guy’s stomach after a vigorous walk.
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
The Table Never Lies (12/11)
1. Arsenal
Spurs win and the Gunners lose. Satan must be freezing at the moment, but not more than Arsenal supporters, who are facing their first crisis of the campaign.
2. Manchester United
Loius Saha blames wear and tear for his pattern of missed games. I have two problems with his analysis: use of the words wear and tear.
3. Chelsea
Claiming that Drogba will be back in three weeks and then trying to force him out of the African Cup of Nations due to the same injury is an excellent idea….if you want to push him out of the door any quicker.
4. Liverpool
This is the Rafa Express. Last stop….Velodrome. Please check your seats to make sure that no personal items or unsightly facial hair are left behind.
5. Portsmouth
Ole ‘Arry doesn’t believe fathers should encourage their sons to curse. You can’t spell hypocrite without F-U-C-K O-F-F Y-O-U S-E-N-S-I-T-I-V-E G-I-T.
6. Manchester City
The big question is, “what did Young Pyo-Lee say about Dick Daddy’s follicular issues?”
7. Everton
Mike Hanke and Yakubu both scored hat-tricks this past weekend. What else do the Hannover forward and the ‘Boro reject have in common: they will both score again in February.
8. Aston Villa
How do you motivate your two best defenders when they both sign pre-contracts on January 2nd? We’ll find out in 3 weeks.
9. Blackburn
Hmmm…..Benni storms off like a baby and you win. Benni remains on the pitch, the epitome of classic Greek sculpture, and you lose…..Pattern?
10. West Ham
Why does Trevor Brookings want Alan Curbishley to be the next failure for England? If he can make Carlton Cole look serviceable, think what he could do with a team of Carlton Coles.
11. Newcastle United
If they spike the River Tyne with lithium, do you think Geordies might find an ounce of sanity? Nah, Big Sam is two wins away from having calls for his head for playing Le Football Un-Sexy.
12. Reading
Coppell wants out….and he’s taking Rafa with him.
13. Tottenham Hotspur
Punters rue missed opportunity when Chimbonda scored the massively rare off-side handball goal.
14. Bolton Wanderers
Nicolas Anelka will leave Bolton this January. Surprisingly is will not be for United or Chelsea….rather he’s going to take up Gaelic.
15. Birmingham City
Well one win and one loss for new boss McLeish, against teams that that think they are way better than they really are.
16. Middlesbrough
What the fuck was that?
17. Fulham
Lawrie Sanchez is in hot pursuit of West Ham’s Bobby Zamora. It’s all a clever Bond-like scheme to corner the world market on useless strikers.
18. Sunderland
Keane is finding himself in hot water with the F.A. over comments made about England’s captain following the 2-0 loss this weekend. His crime: telling the truth.
19. Wigan Athletic
And Bruce thought he had shit defending at Brum.
20. Derby County
Got there managerial bounce by scoring a road goal against a giant. At least Giles Barnes isn’t being linked to every club in the top-flight, D’OH!
Spurs win and the Gunners lose. Satan must be freezing at the moment, but not more than Arsenal supporters, who are facing their first crisis of the campaign.
2. Manchester United
Loius Saha blames wear and tear for his pattern of missed games. I have two problems with his analysis: use of the words wear and tear.
3. Chelsea
Claiming that Drogba will be back in three weeks and then trying to force him out of the African Cup of Nations due to the same injury is an excellent idea….if you want to push him out of the door any quicker.
4. Liverpool
This is the Rafa Express. Last stop….Velodrome. Please check your seats to make sure that no personal items or unsightly facial hair are left behind.
5. Portsmouth
Ole ‘Arry doesn’t believe fathers should encourage their sons to curse. You can’t spell hypocrite without F-U-C-K O-F-F Y-O-U S-E-N-S-I-T-I-V-E G-I-T.
6. Manchester City
The big question is, “what did Young Pyo-Lee say about Dick Daddy’s follicular issues?”
7. Everton
Mike Hanke and Yakubu both scored hat-tricks this past weekend. What else do the Hannover forward and the ‘Boro reject have in common: they will both score again in February.
8. Aston Villa
How do you motivate your two best defenders when they both sign pre-contracts on January 2nd? We’ll find out in 3 weeks.
9. Blackburn
Hmmm…..Benni storms off like a baby and you win. Benni remains on the pitch, the epitome of classic Greek sculpture, and you lose…..Pattern?
10. West Ham
Why does Trevor Brookings want Alan Curbishley to be the next failure for England? If he can make Carlton Cole look serviceable, think what he could do with a team of Carlton Coles.
11. Newcastle United
If they spike the River Tyne with lithium, do you think Geordies might find an ounce of sanity? Nah, Big Sam is two wins away from having calls for his head for playing Le Football Un-Sexy.
12. Reading
Coppell wants out….and he’s taking Rafa with him.
13. Tottenham Hotspur
Punters rue missed opportunity when Chimbonda scored the massively rare off-side handball goal.
14. Bolton Wanderers
Nicolas Anelka will leave Bolton this January. Surprisingly is will not be for United or Chelsea….rather he’s going to take up Gaelic.
15. Birmingham City
Well one win and one loss for new boss McLeish, against teams that that think they are way better than they really are.
16. Middlesbrough
What the fuck was that?
17. Fulham
Lawrie Sanchez is in hot pursuit of West Ham’s Bobby Zamora. It’s all a clever Bond-like scheme to corner the world market on useless strikers.
18. Sunderland
Keane is finding himself in hot water with the F.A. over comments made about England’s captain following the 2-0 loss this weekend. His crime: telling the truth.
19. Wigan Athletic
And Bruce thought he had shit defending at Brum.
20. Derby County
Got there managerial bounce by scoring a road goal against a giant. At least Giles Barnes isn’t being linked to every club in the top-flight, D’OH!
Thursday, November 15, 2007
The Table Never Lies (11/15)
1. Arsenal
A.C. Milan’s Carlo Ancelotti has doubts about this team’s ability in the Champion’s League. Too bad there is nothing happening in Italy that he could comment about.
2. Manchester United
Michael Carrick is tapping up Dimitar Berbatov. He wants someone to talk to while stranded on the subs bench.
3. Manchester City
Citeh owner Thaksin Shinawatra has revealed his plans to open a string of death camps academies across Asia.
4. Chelsea
A boring affair with a late equalizer sounds about par for the Blues. Oh wait, under Mourinho, Chelsea scored the late equalizers. Let’s all sing, “The Wheels on the Bus are falling off!”
5. Liverpool
The Scouse faithful moaned. Alan Green conveyed. Rafa listened. 70 minutes of pathetic football against Fulham showed why rotation is necessary. Can I please hear something else on the 606 now?
6. Portsmouth
Beautiful football, you say? Three goalless draws in their last four home matches says otherwise.
7. Blackburn
After the United loss, Mark Hughes referred to David Dunne’s dismissal by saying they had been “hard done by”. Fuck you for stealing my lame joke, Mark.
8. Aston Villa
Stiliyan Petrov was man-of-the-derby in the 2-1 over Brum. Is he ready to find his Celtic form and do something completely new at Villa Park: contribute?
9. Everton
Oddest sight of the weekend: Moyes suit on Everton’s Remembrance Day draw at Stamford Bridge. He looked like a pre-pubescent boy forced to go to church on Easter.
10. West Ham
Lee Boyer put the smack-down on Derby – like he was gay-bashing an Asian student.
11. Newcastle United
Rumors have it that Michael Owen is being implicated in the Kieron Fallon race-fixing scandal. I wonder what might get injured in the clink?
12. Reading
After being trounced by a bunch of foreigners, Steve Coppell strangely lamented about the number of foreigners in the league and called for a quota system. Affirmative Action for the majority? I hope George Bush doesn’t hear about this stellar idea.
13. Fulham
Lawrie Sanchez wants to scrap the transfer window, saying it is costing too many managers their job as small clubs can’t accumulate talent like the big clubs to deal with injuries or change approach. Some of that is quite true. But what is going to cost him his job is all of those late concessions.
14. Tottenham Hotspur
Adel Taraabt wants out. Who is he you ask? Exactly.
15. Birmingham City
You know you’re a small club, when Wigan taps up your manager. No wonder Yeung is backing off buying the club.
16. Sunderland
We are all sadistically hoping that Dickson Etuhu will learn the Haaland method of dealing with challenges like Joey Barton’s from Skippy-keano.
17. Middlesbrough
Southgate praised his defense after they stymied an insipid Bolton attack that was without its only two quality players in Spitty McSpitt and Whiney McWhine. I guess he had to get the praise in while he could.
18. Bolton
Who cares about the lifeless draw with Boro. This team went to the Allianz and came back from a goal down to draw with the mighty Bayern Munich. Congratulations to all supporters. I recommend that you hold onto that memory dearly, as it is will keep you warn during the onset of a relegation winter.
19. Wigan
Don’t do it Bruce. Two words: Titus Bramble.
20. Derby County
Honestly, I think this team would be fighting relegation in the Coca Cola.
Friday, November 2, 2007
The Table Never Lies (11/02)
1. Arsenal
Gilberto is starting to voice concerns about his role in the team. Really? Dude, you're the wrong side of 24, let alone 30. You've been with Wenger for five years and haven't picked up the pattern?
2. Man Utd
Scoring at will…..against shitty teams
3. Man City
6-0 Loss to Chelsea. And yet Garrido was still man of the match.
4. Chelsea
Yes, fans love the new exciting football. Nothing more exciting than a last gasp winner against mighty Leicester City.
5. Blackburn
The U.S. Commerce Department has officially listed Brad Friedel as the lone American Export in any industry that doesn't blow chunks.
6. Liverpool
Okay for the last time: Xabi goes off and Arsenal takes the game to you. This is not a coincidence.
7. Portsmouth
Well now we know where Benjani gets his trademark celebration. It's a tribute to 'Arry who uses it in tirades when fucktards take penalties.
8. Newcastle
Who's missing Martin Jol the most? That’s right Big Sam. The fraction between Jol and Berbatov has abated and now Michael Owen is the best way to fill space in the English rags. I have it on good authority that Owen is off to Dag and Red.
9. Everton
They had to survive while Cahill recovered and now seem poised to jump up the table. They only need to avoid Mark Clattenburg.
10. Aston Villa
Olof Mellberg is possibly off to Juventus. Can you blame him? He lost to his place to Zak Knight. That's like losing a pie-eating contest to an anorexic.
11. West Ham
What's in a name? For Nobby Salano, not a goddamn thing. Truly an oxymoron.
12. Reading
How do you have second season syndrome when you have the same points as the first season?
13. Birmingham
Here's a guarantee. With their midfield (Kapo, de Ridder, Muamba), there is no way that Brum go down. And here's why that guarantee is more useless than the American dollar: Carson Yeung.
14. Fulham
Okay, Bond fan-b0oy, enough with the women's glasses! A real set of spectacles might help you see the abomination that is your team is.
15. Sunderland
Kenwyne Jones is good enough that this team can't possibly go down, no matter how obsessively the defense collects red cards.
16. Wigan
It's looking like Tottenham overpaid for the wrong Bent.
17. Middlesbrough
A little trivia for you: Gareth Southgate has now coaxed as many goals out of Jeremie Aliadiere as Arsene Wenger. Suck on that Frenchy!
18. Tottenham
Well they make suck on the field, but watching this club's off-field antics is rivaling a late night screening of the hot chicks from the L Word grind-fucking the shit out one another.
19. Bolton
They found the right man to guide them through the drop. Megson is beyond reproach when it comes to relegation.
20. Derby
The dreaded vote of confidence for Davies from the new chairman. Newsflash Pearson, A) you look inbred and B) even the Special One couldn't guide this consortium of Sunday pub-siders to safety.
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
die Tabelle lügen nicht! (10/30)
1. FC Bayern
For the first time this season, it can be said that they lost the midfield battle. And they were lucky to get out of Dortmund with a point due to this.
2. HSV
They are learning to win without Rafael van der Vaart, which will be important come next year. Vincent Kompany scored both goals in their 2 1-0 wins in the league and UEFA Cup.
3. Werder Bremen
Torsten Frings aggravated his right knee in the game and will miss an additional month after recently returning from injury to the same knee. Fortunately for Werder, their midfield isn’t completely knackered at the moment, so they should manage.
4. Karlsruhe
Markus Miller tore a knee ligament two minutes into the game, played the full 90 with a taped knee, made at least two spectacular saves and found out afterwards that he will be out for half a year. The feel good story of the season just went sour.
5. Schalke 04
I don’t know what’s more bankable, a 1-0 win for Hamburg or a draw for Schalke. The return of Kuranyi and Pander helped, but they are still missing Krstajic because Sanogo had two pristine chances to win this late for the visitors.
6. Hannover
Mike Hanke hasn’t scored in nearly 600 minutes. Dieter Hecking has obviously never played Football Manager; otherwise, he would know this is normal.
7. Wolfsburg
Somebody got a new bottle of peroxide. I’m looking at you Marcelinho. It’s distracting us all from the Wolves fantastic run of form.
8. Hertha Berlin
While the 29 year old Serbian Marko Pantelic might be the focal point of HBS’ offense, the impressive aspect of this is that everyone knows it and he’s still supremely productive. Scored one and caused the own goal against Bochum.
9. Frankfurt
Between last week’s shellacking by a pathetic Nurnberg side and this week's inept performance, their strong start might be what keeps them above the dreaded dotted line by season’s end.
10. Bayer Leverkusen
It truly pains me to say this, but Rene Adler’s timid approach on a ball that should have been cleared allowed Andreas Beck to steal a point from Leverkusen.
11. Dortmund
They had a truly inspirational performance against Bayern this week. Were it not for their forwards, they could have easily won 3-0.
12. Stuttgart
Thomas Hitzelsperger returns from injury and the confidence returns immediately. They may not have deserved to win, but it’s no coincidence that the return of Hitzelsperger saw a change in luck and form.
13. Arminia
Jonas Kamper’s rumblings that he wants to start might make Ernst Middendorp’s job more difficult as he scored to help Arminia avoid an embarrassing home loss to Cottbus.
14. Hansa Rostock
Did what few have accomplished at home against KSC this year: got a point.
15. Nürnberg
It was a poor week for the Cup holders as they suffered a drubbing by Felix Magath’s men and then got knocked out of the DFB Pokal by lowly Jena.
16. Bochum
Going down faster than Stanislav Sestak in the box.
17. Duisburg
Have now lost six of seven in the league, and just got dumped from the Cup. Meanwhile trainer Rudi Bommer seems to have no answers.
18. FC Energie
They scored their first road goal of the season. At this rate, expect exactly two more this campaign.
Tuesday, October 9, 2007
The Table Never Lies (10/9)
1. Arsenal
Pundits universally espouse their own genius in not writing off Arsenal in the off-season. Somewhere there is that one guy who wrote 50,000 articles this summer being discredited for such ridiculousness.
2. Manchester United
Six clean sheets. What’s more amazing is that they have done this with shit defenders. Impressive!
3. Manchester City
Micah Richards wants to play for Arsenal. Not to worry Citeh fans, he’s English.
4. Liverpool
The first signs of a sinking ship? Ayesteran leaves. The rotation policy angers fans and players. Now Riise is so desperate to leave he is considering Villa. Ouch.
5. Portsmouth
You’re damn right Benjani has a point to make.
6. Blackburn
Rovers fans cry as the truth hits home: There is no Santa!
7. Chelsea
A Russian mobster and a perverted porn mogul winger have taught us all one thing: First you gets de money, den you gets de bitches.
8. Aston Villa
Martin, Martin! Did you see Senderos’ bumbling lumbering goal? He could be your next forward.
9. Newcastle
Michael Owen will go to any length to preserve his England spot. Expect him return from the international break with a break.
10. Everton
Shay Given is now as a prolific scorer as Yakubu for the Toffies.
11. West Ham
Could Dean Ashton be any more perfect as the replacement for Michael Owen? He’s perpetually injured.
12. Reading
Coppell admits he may have made a mistake by not bolstering his squad in the off-season. Coppell also admits that water is wet.
13. Birmingham
Steve Bruce expects the axe from Carson Yeung, Having been bored to death by his squad, like the rest of us, he has begged the Hong Kong businessman to do it sooner rather than later.
14. Wigan
The F.A. is so sick of the big teams bullying the referees that they made Wigan pay.
15. Middlesbrough
Going down faster than low-self esteem girl at a frat party.
16. Sunderland
Jones, Bale and Walcott. How did Southampton avoid promotion?
17. Tottenham
It looks like if they are willing to get rid of Comolli, they could get the legendary Klinsmann. Does anyone doubt they will make the wrong choice here?
18. Fulham
They will be lucky to Bairdly escape the drop.
19. Bolton
Sammy Lee is still employed and, at this point, completely baffled. He went so far as to drop player/coach Gary Speed and Big Sam’s captain Kevin Nolan. But still, he can’t get the vacation he so desperately wants.
20. Derby
Steve Coppell says, “Good for what ails ya!”
Pundits universally espouse their own genius in not writing off Arsenal in the off-season. Somewhere there is that one guy who wrote 50,000 articles this summer being discredited for such ridiculousness.
2. Manchester United
Six clean sheets. What’s more amazing is that they have done this with shit defenders. Impressive!
3. Manchester City
Micah Richards wants to play for Arsenal. Not to worry Citeh fans, he’s English.
4. Liverpool
The first signs of a sinking ship? Ayesteran leaves. The rotation policy angers fans and players. Now Riise is so desperate to leave he is considering Villa. Ouch.
5. Portsmouth
You’re damn right Benjani has a point to make.
6. Blackburn
Rovers fans cry as the truth hits home: There is no Santa!
7. Chelsea
A Russian mobster and a perverted porn mogul winger have taught us all one thing: First you gets de money, den you gets de bitches.
8. Aston Villa
Martin, Martin! Did you see Senderos’ bumbling lumbering goal? He could be your next forward.
9. Newcastle
Michael Owen will go to any length to preserve his England spot. Expect him return from the international break with a break.
10. Everton
Shay Given is now as a prolific scorer as Yakubu for the Toffies.
11. West Ham
Could Dean Ashton be any more perfect as the replacement for Michael Owen? He’s perpetually injured.
12. Reading
Coppell admits he may have made a mistake by not bolstering his squad in the off-season. Coppell also admits that water is wet.
13. Birmingham
Steve Bruce expects the axe from Carson Yeung, Having been bored to death by his squad, like the rest of us, he has begged the Hong Kong businessman to do it sooner rather than later.
14. Wigan
The F.A. is so sick of the big teams bullying the referees that they made Wigan pay.
15. Middlesbrough
Going down faster than low-self esteem girl at a frat party.
16. Sunderland
Jones, Bale and Walcott. How did Southampton avoid promotion?
17. Tottenham
It looks like if they are willing to get rid of Comolli, they could get the legendary Klinsmann. Does anyone doubt they will make the wrong choice here?
18. Fulham
They will be lucky to Bairdly escape the drop.
19. Bolton
Sammy Lee is still employed and, at this point, completely baffled. He went so far as to drop player/coach Gary Speed and Big Sam’s captain Kevin Nolan. But still, he can’t get the vacation he so desperately wants.
20. Derby
Steve Coppell says, “Good for what ails ya!”
Friday, September 21, 2007
The Table Never Lies
1. Arsenal
Gunners everywhere are suddenly appalled at the treatment of
Does football make you sad Stevie? Or was it the grannycaust of lies? Or was it the miscarriage? You know what makes me sad, Stevie? A 21 year-old man parading around Bebo under than name “Dick Daddy”.
Rafa and Big Sam are bickering. These boys need to settle it fat guy style, with a sumo match.
Their current form is about as inspiring as punch to the crotch.
While Roman Abramovich wants to turn this club into the Harlem Globe Trotters, his conduct is more reminiscent of the Washington Generals.
6. West Ham
Oh and speaking of owners who hate success, Eggert Magnusson has been forced to step down as Chairman of the club as they sail into an improbable sixth place.
7. Everton
Drawing at home to Metalist Kharkiv, a hair band from the 80’s?
But at least they didn’t lose to a club named after Disney’s newest sensation: Larissa Tells All.
With Heskey injured, who will step up to miss all of their chances?
Sam Allardyce wants Michael Owen to get a hernia operation now so he will be fit by the time African Nation’s Cup duty takes away Obafemi Martins. Michael Owen wants to wait; presumably to take advantage of his impending debilitating injury in two weeks time.
11. Aston Villa
Villa, shame on you for hiding Gareth Barry from
Fast becoming the kings of the dreaded six pointers.
13. Middlesborough
After watching his performance last week, its surprising how telling anagrams can be: Tuncay Sanli=Can’t Lays In.
Criticism of Roy Keane's £6m purchase of Kenwyne Jones, who is unproven at Premier League level, proved premature when tore apart Championship side Reading.
Matthew Taylor has let it be known that he is ready to step up to the spot for Pompey in the future. Now, if he can only get a place on the team.
16. Fulham
The last time Lawrie Sanchez faced off with Sven Goran Eriksson, he came away with a famous 1-0 victory. This time Sven will not be burdened by shitty English players.
17. Tottenham
They couldn’t even keep a clean sheet against a Cypriot minnow.
Forget the 2nd season syndrome, this team need to concentrate on their 3rd tier defending.
Kenny Miller continues to show that he can score at every level. Mostly he has shown that he can score in the Championship, which he will have ample opportunity to do again next year.
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
The Table Never Lies
1. Chelsea
£85 million on Ronaldinho. “Football Manager” geeks everywhere call it bad business. You can use the editor to get him for free.
2. Manchester City
Kasper Schmeichel opts to represent Denmark, rather than England at the international level after his fantastic start. He didn’t want his hopes of making it to a World Cup final dashed so early.
3. Wigan
Chris Hutchings has made a defense consisting of Titus Bramble and Mario Melchiot, one of the hardest to score on in the Prem. I think we have our next England manager.
4. Liverpool
Jes, they are good. No, Rafa won’t shut the fuck up.
5. Everton
Everyone about to sign Manuel Fernandes, please step forward. Not so fast David Moyes.
6. Arsenal
Sure they want to walk the ball into the back of their own net. You would too if you faced off against Jens Lehmann during training everyday.
7. Newcastle
Allardyce feels the need to replace Stephen Carr and Peter Ramage after being the newest victims to the ever present injury bug on Tyneside. Fans felt the need to replace them long ago.
8. Portsmouth
How good is David Nugent? His sell-on date is shorter than my milk’s.
9. Blackburn
If they hold onto Gamst this week, they may well be the team to break up the top four. And Christopher Samba cost all of £400,000.
10. Manchester United
It’s not the injuries or the chemistry that is holding the holders back. The trick is to play like a Sunday league pub side.
11. Aston Villa
Villa was so impressed by Zak Knight’s contributions that they are willing to pay £4 million for the striker.
12. Birmingham City
Steve Bruce has come out in protest of a schedule that sees him face Derby only twice this season.
13. Middlesbrough
Racist chants directed at Mido? Egyptian is a nationality and not a race. The F.A. can breathe a sigh of relief.
14. West Ham
Welcome to the Newcastle of the South.
15. Reading
Manager Steve Coppell believes international friendlies should be scrapped. His squad disagrees, since they enjoy watching the games just like the rest of us.
16. Sunderland
Paul McShane, the one week wonder of fantasy football, has been picked up and dropped more than Brittany’s babies.
17. Tottenham
Was that a left hand cross from a left footed player? Where does the Prince of Darkness shop for coats? Maybe he and his wags are hitting the Trafford Centre.
18. Bolton
You have to say this for Nicolas Anelka. He sure knows how to sell himself.
19. Fulham
Let’s play spot the pattern. Fulham has four Yanks on the squad. Derby has three.
20. Derby
Desperate to sign a striker, which will leave them with only 10 other positions to fill.
£85 million on Ronaldinho. “Football Manager” geeks everywhere call it bad business. You can use the editor to get him for free.
2. Manchester City
Kasper Schmeichel opts to represent Denmark, rather than England at the international level after his fantastic start. He didn’t want his hopes of making it to a World Cup final dashed so early.
3. Wigan
Chris Hutchings has made a defense consisting of Titus Bramble and Mario Melchiot, one of the hardest to score on in the Prem. I think we have our next England manager.
4. Liverpool
Jes, they are good. No, Rafa won’t shut the fuck up.
5. Everton
Everyone about to sign Manuel Fernandes, please step forward. Not so fast David Moyes.
6. Arsenal
Sure they want to walk the ball into the back of their own net. You would too if you faced off against Jens Lehmann during training everyday.
7. Newcastle
Allardyce feels the need to replace Stephen Carr and Peter Ramage after being the newest victims to the ever present injury bug on Tyneside. Fans felt the need to replace them long ago.
8. Portsmouth
How good is David Nugent? His sell-on date is shorter than my milk’s.
9. Blackburn
If they hold onto Gamst this week, they may well be the team to break up the top four. And Christopher Samba cost all of £400,000.
10. Manchester United
It’s not the injuries or the chemistry that is holding the holders back. The trick is to play like a Sunday league pub side.
11. Aston Villa
Villa was so impressed by Zak Knight’s contributions that they are willing to pay £4 million for the striker.
12. Birmingham City
Steve Bruce has come out in protest of a schedule that sees him face Derby only twice this season.
13. Middlesbrough
Racist chants directed at Mido? Egyptian is a nationality and not a race. The F.A. can breathe a sigh of relief.
14. West Ham
Welcome to the Newcastle of the South.
15. Reading
Manager Steve Coppell believes international friendlies should be scrapped. His squad disagrees, since they enjoy watching the games just like the rest of us.
16. Sunderland
Paul McShane, the one week wonder of fantasy football, has been picked up and dropped more than Brittany’s babies.
17. Tottenham
Was that a left hand cross from a left footed player? Where does the Prince of Darkness shop for coats? Maybe he and his wags are hitting the Trafford Centre.
18. Bolton
You have to say this for Nicolas Anelka. He sure knows how to sell himself.
19. Fulham
Let’s play spot the pattern. Fulham has four Yanks on the squad. Derby has three.
20. Derby
Desperate to sign a striker, which will leave them with only 10 other positions to fill.
Friday, August 24, 2007
The Table Never Lies
Yes it is early, but we are going to take a look at the fortunes of the teams that comprise the E.P.L. Why on earth would you expect things to ever change? So let’s take some time from putting all of our emotional eggs in one basket, and see what is really happening from top to bottom.
1. Manchester City - Sven can actually coach when the gene pool he is selecting his team from doesn’t bare an odd resemblance to an Ozark Mountain trailer park.
2. Chelsea – Boring, Boring Chelsea. Except when they play Dreadful, Dreadful Brum.
3. Wigan – Games against Sunderland and Middlesbrough should prepare them for their competition next year. See U.S. Real Estate Market for upcoming fortunes.
4. Everton – David Moyes has authored a new book “How to win without money (even though you’re listed as one of the 20 richest clubs in the world)”. Rule number one is to stumble ass-backwards into Mikel Arteta.
5. Portsmouth – Sol Campbell has been seen running like a lumbering has-been from Fratton Park. Next stop, Sunderland, where Roy Keane will do battle with his vicious wags.
6. Newcastle – A victory over a crappy team and a draw at home over a pathetic one are indeed precursors to an end of the long silverware drought.
7. Arsenal – Too young? How about too old, 37 years too old to be exact.
8. Blackburn – If Robbie Savage stops trying to be a referee’s apprentice during the games, they could push for Champion’s League.
9. Liverpool – Feeling cheated Rafa? Just ask the Bramble Lane faithful about being cheated. The lost three points on a ridiculous call by a ref last year. And then there was the game where a certain side decided to send the B-team to Craven Cottage. If you lose the title by two points this year, I may just give up my Atheist ways.
10. Reading – Four points from a team with no money during a grueling start to the campaign should be reason for Steve Coppell to celebrate. He blinked and you missed it.
11. Sunderland – Roy only needs 12 points to beat Mick’s record. He only needs to find Mick to beat him senseless.
12. Tottenham –
1st place means gold
2nd place means silver
3rd place means bronze
4th place means nirvana to the epitome of midtable mediocrity
13. Fulham – Bets have been pulled by London brokers on the next game to see a goaltending blunder.
14. Middlesbrough – Tony Warner, Clint Dempsey and a lack of Hawk-eye technology are the oil that makes this engine tick.
15. West Ham – Discord among the training room, an FA enquiry and Curbishly on the firing line. It’s a repeat of last year without a good player to carry them to safety.
16. Manchester United – Well his transfer dealing may have left him done and dusted by September, but Sir Alex is still good at producing one thing: stoic ex-players that make better managers that him.
17. Aston Villa – Martin O’Neill has a great record of winning on a shoe-string budget. Now that he has financial resources, he’s set a new goal of winning on a shoe-string bench.
18. Birmingham City – Steve Bruce has received the dreaded vote of confidence from a man who doesn’t yet even own the team. Now that’s time management, Mr. Yeong.
19. Derby County – Billy Davies will soon learn what all Americans have known since the 1970’s: never buy American.
20. Bolton – Little Sammy Lee has put £10,000 on Jol to be the first to get fired. He has taken to living in the walls, subsisting on cheese and taking a rat-bride in order to avoid the chairman in hopes of making good on the bet.
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