I Totally Want to Party With Onandi Lowe

Onandi Lowe is the former Jamacian international, who has played professionally with Rushden and Diamonds, Coventry City, Port Vale, Kansas City Wizards and 76.5% of USL teams to have ever existed.

He has had a volatile career that has involved being cut from Miami F.C. for his inability to get along with Romario, being left of the Jamaican team on numerous occasions for attitude problems, and being arrested in England for drug charges. This week it turns out that more problems have found the sharp-shooter. He was arrested in Jamaica on Christmas Eve when it was discovered that he had 42 joints in his car.

But his luck is changing, as it has just been announced that he has won the 1st Annual “Johnny On The Spot” Awesome Soccer Ball Kicker Award (which has a cash prize).

Onandi, if you are reading this, call me at 1-800-NEE-DPOT to pick up your prize. Ask for Johnny. My mom might answer, but she’s totally cool man. She knows to interrupt my game of Halo if you call.

Selfish Brazilians Rate Food Higher Than Halo

Robert Greene has bucked current trends. He has refused to blame foreigners for the failings of the English national team. He is going after an even more pathetic cohort: gamers. He is pinning the downfall of the Three Lions on video game consoles such as PS3 or X-Box. Branding the country as lazy, he feels that today’s youth spend much too much time playing football virtually rather than actually.

Greene added, "Other countries seem to bring on world-class players, countries like Argentina and Brazil where often it's football or nothing.”

While Britain ranks in the top ten richest countries with a per capital income of nearly $38,000, Argentina and Brazil, who are 64^th and 74^th respectively, have paltry PCI’s ranging from 3000-4000 USD. “It’s so unfair that Brazilian and Argentine parents put more emphasis on food rather than entertainment,” lamented the uncapped stick minder. “How can England hope to compete with these selfish nations who refuse to purchase luxury items that equate to a paltry one-eighth of their yearly pre-tax income.” he added.

Realizing that poor kids in Buenos Aires and São Paulo can’t afford these systems, which would keep them off the streets and glued to a television set were they unfortunate enough to be blighted with the curse of wealth, Green has started a campaign to ship the games to the poor sections of these two great superpowers. "If they start working on their hand-eye coordination and Type II Diabetes rather than their foot coordination and stamina, they are bound to suck as bad as we do,” surmised the West Ham’s keeper.

If you wish to contribute to this noble cause, click here.

Tastes Like Vinegar But With a Bitter Afterbite

I was just in France. Being an American in France is very hard, you know. First, there’s the whole war thing. Like I started it. I just voted for Bush, believed his every lie, supported his every effort and bought a Hummer. And while I don’t support the troops with tax money, I sure do have patriotic stickers on that Hummer. In addition, I think all Muslims are terrorists, even the Sikh ones. So how is that my fault Frenchy? And hey, would it kill you fuckers to learn some American.

On top of getting stick for that, there’s the food. It’s all this fancy shit with aromatic smells, palate exploding flavor and multiple courses. It’s no wonder all those beret-wearing fancy dandies are so thin. It’s called anorexia people. So when I stumbled on Quick, a French fast-food resteraunt, I was running on day two of raiding the M&M machine at the Cluny Metro station for my only sustenance and went in desperately seeking chemically enhanced food by-products to ensure that I didn’t vomit, as was intended by the unnatural combination of rancid mean, wilted lettuce, squeeze-bottle cheese and white bread.

They didn’t sell any Big Mac, but they did sell a Nicholas Anelka burger, which did the job. My first day, I ordered one and it was dirt cheap, came with pommes frites and was delicious! The thoughts of more Anelka Burgers for years to come excited me. The second day, the price was up. Now it came with chips and while it still came with a hint of potential, the burger must have been cooked poorly because there was a bitter aftertaste. The next day, the price had skyrocketed (nearly a 440% increase) and now it came with papas fritas. It left me empty and flatulent and there was only one decent bite in the whole meal (but wow what a bite). The next few times the price lowered gradually and was served with either pommes frites or chips. But while it tasted good, it never really made much difference with my hunger. It was empty calories. When I went in next, the burger was on the “cheap eats” menu and was served with patates kızartması and it seemed sad and pathetic. I ordered a chicken sandwich. On my last day, the burger was being given away with gravy and chips. It seemed like the only decent thing on an otherwise terrible menu and I ordered one because it seemed like the price was starting to creep back up.

Conclusion: It’s still better than Hardees.

May God "Bless" You Mikey

Boston Red Sox Bible-thumping reliever Mike Timlin revealed that God has been ignoring such hot-button issues as poverty, war, famine, global-warming, obesity and Brittany’s kids to focus on left-handed pitching. Jon Lester threw 5 2/3rds innings of shutout ball to help the Red Sox eek out a win against the Colorado Rockies in game 4 of the World Series.

Having won their second World Series in four years after an 86 year drought, the Red Sox turned over the Rockies 4-3 in game four of a four game sweep. News agencies converged on the drunken players to get blanched quotes to fill space in programming and print, but were treated to a true revelation by the 41 year old reliever, who has now won four series with the Sox and Blue Jays.

“This is going to sound funny. But God blessed Jon Lester with cancer just to show a lot of people that you can overcome something that's so hard in your life you think, 'I'm not gonna make it.' He's going to be able to take his faith in God and the strength God gave him and tell a lot of other people a great story.”

The 23 year old left-hander was diagnosed with lymphoma last August and has subsequently battled back to health, to the point of being able to reinvigorate his baseball career. And this all thanks to the Big G, who inflicted this chromosomal abnormality from inception on the Tacoma, Washington native, because one day he knew that he would be needed to ensure a sweep of a baseball series between two mismatched franchises. When asked God responded, “fuck a fifth game bitches.”

This isn't baseball first case of cancer. Other former baseball greats, such as Jon Kruk, Darryl Strawberry, Roger Maris, Andres Gallarragah, Joe Torre and the Babe have fought the dread disease to varying results. It is, however, the first time that the Alpha and Omega has been directly involved with a diseased player. Reports that betting on Lester's performance were closed due to heavy betting have only increased media speculation.

Not satisfied with Lester's brave fight and superb performance Mike Timlin, finding inspiration in Lou Gehrig, has contacted the American Cancer Society. He is demanding that they rename “Anaplastic Large Cell Lymphoma” to Lesterphoma.

Jesus is the New Joorabchian

Chelsea’s hopes of landing World Player of the Year Kaka took a big hit today, when it was revealed that the Brazilian midfielder is owned by a third party. Unless Milan buy out the infamous South American talent scout Jesus, the F.A. has said it will block any attempts by Roman Abramovich to bring the player to Stamford Bridge.

It's the second blow in as many days for Chelsea, as their other target, Kaka's international teammate Ronaldinho, is said to be owned by the refreshing taste of cold Coors' Light.

Yeah, Me Too Fabio

ESPN's Jon Carter is miffed that nobody has read his newest opinion piece on Soccernet, which discusses the shortlist for World Player of the Year, last won by Fabio Cannavaro (he's to the right). A detailed study by the IT department at ESPN has found that after seeing the picture of Cannavaro with Monica Bellucci, who presented the Italian defender with the award at last year's ceremony, which was used to promote the piece, most respondents did not click the link for the story. 98% of readers went to Google. Of those who went to Google, the break down of search terms was found to be:

Bellucci: 25%
Tits: 33.2%
Bellucci, tits: 8.8%
Bellucci, awesome, tits: 3.4%
Bellucci, naked: 19.3%
Bellucci, beastiality: 2%
That hot fucking chick from the Matrix: 4.5%
That hot fucking chick from the Matrix, tits: 2.2%
Growing watermelons: .4%
Cannavaro: .2%

Narco Van Basten

While the World Health Organization warns of a worrying pandemic of prejudice against people with disease, we were witness to a brazen sample of what is to come for people with anything from Hansen’s to Crohn's to HIV. Marco Van Basten proved that sickness prejudice is still the norm in football when he benched Ryan Babel against Romania.

Ryan Babel is the young Liverpool winger who was self-diagnosed with Trypanosoma. The African Sleeping Sickness has cost Babel much, including his dignity. After arriving late for training multiple sessions during this international break due to the condition, which is rare in people who have never been to Africa and have never come into contact with a Tsetse fly, he was demoted to the bench by the insensitive Van Basten.

While teammate Wesley Sneijder described his chancre, the distinctive bite, as pimple-like, all of his Dutch teammates are resolute in their support of the young player who is expected to die within months of the rare disorder. His hypersomnolence has united a team, once known for its in-fighting and squabbling, against their prejudice coach, whom they now refer to as "Narco" Van Basten.

In the meantime, with nothing better to do, Rafael Benitez has complained vociferously about the treatment of his players by Tsetse flies and wonders why England doesn’t have plan of action against the deadly disease like Spain.

Xiego, Diabi, Xiabo?

Xabi Alonso employs an array of deceitful tactics to spare the feelings of friend Mikel Arteta. Both boys grew up on the same street of San Sebastian in Euskadi and now reside next to one another in Liverpool, England. While Xabi has been a fixture of the Spanish national team for years, Arteta has long been overlooked by manager Luis Aragones, even though he has been highly successful and currently is on the best form of his career.

Xabi went so far as to fake an injury that rules him out of the upcoming fixtures against Denmark in Group F qualification for Euro 2008 and Finland in a friendly. The hope was that his good friend would be seen as a replacement, just as Arteta was seen by Real Sociedad as a replacement for the deep-lying playmaker when he moved to Anfield in 2004. Little did they expect that Luis Aragones owes Quique Flores Sanchez a lot of money, for some pictures Flores has of Aragones in a compromising position with a black woman.

This isn’t the first time that Xabi Alonso has tried subterfuge regarding the Red Fury team and his amigo Arteta. He has often asked his brother Mikel, now at Bolton Wanderers, to wear a dark wig on game days and make himself seen by Arteta when the latter takes out the trash. He even went so far as to pay Brazilian Diego, from Werder Bremen, a handsome sum to shave and do the same, when his brother’s wig fell off and the scheme was discovered by Arteta.

Unfortunately the similarity to the Brazilian playmaker led Aragones to the same idea. And the Spanish gaffer has invited Diego to camp for the upcoming games. Since nobody on the Spanish team talks anyone else due to regional tensions, it is expected the Xiego plan will go off without a hitch.

Injury Crisis For England

England has suffered a major blow as superstar Emile Heskey limped out of Wigan’s draw this weekend at the JJB, with what is suspected to be broken fifth metatarsal bone in his foot. The injury will keep the forward out of the October qualifiers for the Three Lions, but there is concern that the foot could cause even longer term headaches for England skipper Steve McClaren.

Heskey returned recently to the England squad after years of retirement to help England become the greatest team on the planet. It was his play up front while midfield maestro Gareth Barry conducted the midfield, which had helped England emerge from years of mediocrity to become the new Brazil. Barry, who had himself retired from the squad on four previous occasions, returned to the midfield to provide guidance for newcomer Steven Garrard. Panic is now rampant throughout the whole of England. It is worried that Barry, too, could succumb to injury, which would effectively kill off their hopes of making and then winning the European Championship in Austria and Switzerland next summer. If tragedy were to strike, England would be forced to employ such B-list players as Frank Lampard, Wayne Rooney or Owen Hargreaves as stop-gaps until the two superstars can recover.

Fortunately for McClaren, Phil Neville is expected to return soon from injury, so that the liability that is Micah Richards can be avoided in the crucial crunch matches. The only remaining worry for the ex-Middleborough gaffer is the persistent lack of injuries for defender Rio Ferdinand and keeper Paul Robinson.

Club vs. Country

Michael Owen has just announced his retirement from club football to concentrate on his career for country. Never one to waste time on club football, whether it was with Liverpool, Real Madrid or Newcastle, Owen has decided to come clean and officially retire from Newcastle United so that he can aid in the glory that is the pure unadulterated mediocrity of the English national team. Since the F.A. officially pays his salary, due to the shrewdness of ex-chairman Freddy Shepherd, the transition is expected to go smoothly. This should also end speculation that Owen is set to leave the Tyneside club for some other physio table.

Last seen in 2004 at the European Championship, Owen has an impressive goal tally for club and country. He has 37 goals in 82 caps for England and 138 for various clubs. The latter tally is made all the more impressive by the fact that he has only played two dozen games in his career at the club level. When asked about the decision, Owen responded, “It has always been my ambition to play in the quarterfinals of at least three international tournaments and score in five altogether.”

When Magpie manager Sam Allardyce was informed of the announcement, he responded, “Who?” After directing him to Michael Owen’s Bebo page, Big Sam seemed amused and replied, “That makes a bit of sense. I thought Sammy Lee had been following me around in wig.” Allardyce plans to replace Owen with a bag of air.

These boots are made for romance novels

Slipper manufacturer Daniel Green is set to launch a line of boots in the coming year. Having seen the lightweight materials that such powerhouses such as Nike, Umbro and Adidas have implemented in the design of footwear for the beautiful game, slipper makers are keen to penetrate the multi-billion dollar market. Daniel Green spokesperson Sissy Baker was ecstatic, “There’s no way Nike or Addidas can compete with our lightweight house-shoes when it comes to the demands of a sixty game season or a night of binging and purging.”

Uggs, Minnetonka and Acorn plan to launch their own lines over the next few years, although Uggs spokesperson Diedra Thigpen is concerned about modifications as it might affect their brand presence and general tackiness. “On the plus side”, she added, “people who might potentially want to have sex will start buying our product.”

The slipper giants may soon be joined by a slew of companies that make socks, inserts, toe rings and anklets. BIWAL Dienstleistungen, who make disposable socks, has begun looking into the viability of adding studs to their vacuum packed product. Not to be outdone, Nike has announced plans to start painting their famous swoosh on the ankles of their well-paid spokesmen and drilling studs directly into the soles of their feet. “Ronaldinho is said to have started playing in his bare feet. We only want to bring back that innocence back to the game for $149.99 per installation,” said Nike spokesman Cal Firnty.

Jack Warner Hates All White People, Especially Racists

Jack Warner is not a racist. He just hates everybody not named Jack Warner, who comes from Trinidad & Tobago, owns Joe Public F.C., wears glasses and is the most virulent type of racist. If you don’t fit that category, it doesn’t matter your color, whether it’s cornsilk, pale goldenrod or slightly creamy, Jack Warner hates you.

However, if you would like to buy tickets to the World Cup, Jack Warner loves you and the £999 you have to offer him for a package to the world’s premier sporting event. Jack may hate khaki colored eastern Asians and burly wood colored southern Europeans, but he sure does love their multi-colored money.

There is nothing Jack Warner hates more than being not him, than a racist. And Jack Warner thinks that you ivory colored limey Britons should not be rewarded for your racist monkey chants, jingoistic hooliganism and “Rt 1” football with a World Cup. For goodness sake, you just hosted one in 17 B.J.W. There has been only four World Cups between your last one and the big bang that occurred in 1983 when Jack Warner sold his soul to the devil and joined the FIFA Executive Committee, which is the exact last time he read anything that wasn’t Jack Warner’s bank statement.

Why does Jack Warner hate you English more than blanch almond colored Slavs and moccasin colored Greeks? Because you pose a threat to his scheme to make millions of dollars in the United States, which has 270 million people that he truly loathes, when they host the 2018 World Cup. As President of CONCOCAF, he would be privy to tickets to a World Cup held in his region and wouldn’t have to rely on Trinidad & Tobago making it again, so he could steal the country’s allotment and resell it to them at markup. And he really has few options, since he sold and resold his soul to every last underworld deity including the weird Zoroastrian and Egyptian ones, to get them to Germany last time.

So when Jack Warner says England is an irritant and has never made any impact on international football, you must forgive him. By irritant, he means you an irritant to Jack Warner. And his reference to England’s impact has nothing to do with creating and exporting the game world wide, winning the World Cup in 1966, hosting a flawless Euro 1996 or having the most popular and richest club league in the world. It’s just that you have never made any impact on Jack Warner.

So unless England is willing to offset the financial loses on schemes, machinations, contrivances, artifices and skullduggeries with a hefty bribe (just leave it in the trash can underneath the All Spice Tree outside of Joe Public F.C.), you can expect him to remain a major irritant.

Because, after all, you English are racist. Not him! You! And there is nothing Jack Warner hates more than racists, other than white people.

10 Things We Have Learned During Copa America

1. Kasey Keller is older than dirt. It’s time to hang up the boots Kasey, because your reaction time can now be measured with a grandfather clock. And who thought it was a good idea to put the keeper from the worst team in Germany between the sticks. Mr. Bradley, I know you don’t face relegation in the Mickey League, but it is generally a bad thing. And I’ll tell you a phrase you never hear: If it wasn’t for the keeper they wouldn’t have gotten either point this season. Meanwhile, waiting in the wings were potential 2010 backups in Salt Lake’s Seitz, who is having a fantastic tournament in Canada and Chivas’ Guzman. For a squad that was about getting pressure time for young players, this was just plain stupid.
2. Brazil is the new superpower of bad-hair. Bo Derek is alive and well. She had some melanin injections and goes by the name of Anderson. The bad news is that she lost her famous breasts. The good news is that her funky cleavage is ne’er to be seen either. The other good news is that she finally learned to act, sorry simulate. But I will say this, Anderson translated the term Flat Back Four in a very unique way: Flat on Your Back Four the entire game. But as amusing as Anderson’s antics during the Copa have been, he’s not the only successor to Ronaldihno when it comes to funky-ass hair. Along with Manchester United’s next Kleberson there are Ze Roberto’s spiked 'fro, Vagner Love’s drunken white-girl on a cruise ship splurge with a Caribbean hairdresser and Diego’s immovable locks. Seriously, can anyone prove that is not a well sculped bike helmet? Also in the wings is U21 striker Ĵo’s, whose uncanny resemblance to Rick James (fight it, fight it) Bitch (apologies) will delight bald fans like me for years to come.
3. Chelsea paid 1 £ too much for Alex. It seems that the total of English research into this man-mountain’s abilities has been a header against Arsenal last year. And if you think he stopped any scoring in the game, remember Liverpool was the only team that couldn’t stop Arsenal from scoring last year. Watching him for any amount of time during this tournament, one might be inclined to confuse him with a striker. His defensive positioning is so poor and his tendency to drift up the field (when his feet aren’t stapled to the pitch) so constant that John Terry should be excused already for going Joey Barton on him.
4. Paraguay might be awesome with 11 men, but they suck donkey balls when their keeper is ejected in the 3rd minute. Sorry Paraguay, but good teams don’t need a keeper. Spurs finished 5th in the Prem without one for an entire season. Suck that with your Yerba Mate.
5. You can stay on the pitch for hours after being red carded and face no sanctions from FIFA. Columbia’s Robinson Zapata was shown red late in their final match and spent the next 62 minutes arguing with referee Manuel Andarcia, who subsequently added 3 minutes of extra time to make up for Zapata’s attempt at a good old fashioned filibuster. Columbia may not know much about playing football, but they do know their away around referee intimidation.
6. Sebastiean Abreu has cajones de acero. His chip shot penalty with the tournament on the line is one of the best shots ever. Meanwhile in that same match against Brazil, Diego Forlan took a penalty that lacked anything remotely resembling pace. In fact Brazilian keeper Doni, left the stadium, got in his car and drove all the way back to Brazil to make sure he had turned off the iron, before returning to save Forlan’s brilliant homage to the Matrix trilogy.
7. Argentina Juan Ramon Riquelme is the greatest player in the world at the moment. Forget Kaka, who is touted as the same after Milan’s Champion’s League run. Even I could look good in the middle of the pitch with Pirlo and Gattusso camped behind me. And forget Christiano Ronaldo, who is amazing, but benefits immensely from the system of free flowing football at United. Riquelme won the Libertadores single-handedly. He has also had to deal with Juan Sebastian Veron and Cambiasso, who seem loathe to pass it to him, sometimes taking the ball and starting a kick around between themselves in the middle of a forward run. He has also had to deal with a tactical formation of 4-6-0, brutal fouling and double teams and yet he holds and distributes the ball as if he was alone on the pitch. His passing is so sublime and pinpoint, he could hit a gnat in 12th row. And the minute he grabs hold of the game, Argentina takes over. Whoever picks him up in the next few weeks immediately becomes one of the best teams in the world.
   
8. Let’s hope South Africa wasn’t watching this tournament. The partially completed stadiums and black outs might make them stop infrastructure development immediately.
9. If Mexico can avoid Argentina, they will eventually win the World Cup. They played brilliant attacking football, but just lacked finishing against Argentina, who has now knocked them out of the Confederations Cup, Copa and World Cup in 3 years. Is it any wonder that Argentina weren't given the chance to reject an invitation to the Gold Cup. They are a team that all should beware in 2010. And if you have an extra 10 quid, throw it on them to win it all.
10. Ray Hudson is bat-shit insane. Period.