Tom Cruise in Brown Street Hooligans

Tom Cruise sure loves sawker. Why he even wants to buy the L.A. Galaxy, and not just because Xenu was a Galaxian. He has also been seen at the Bernabeu.



But perhaps its more than football? Look, we all know Tom Cruise is gay. And his 5 year, $25 million, no-sex contract (which is up in 2010) with Katie Holmes has assured us that Suri was the product of a sexy three-way between Mrs. Cruise, Mrs. Holmes and Mr. Turkey Baster. But if he had been forced to stick his wee-wee in Katie's hoo-ha in order to concieve a child to avoid the persistent rumor that he was caught in bed with Matchbox 20's Rob Thomas, I think that I have an idea of what he painted on his eyelids to get through the humiliation of vaginal sex.

This:

He's Right About One Thing.....O'Reilly is a Douche

I just finished Keith Olbermann’s book The Worst Person in the World, which I recommend. It’s an entertaining read and I am big fan of Olbermann, who is one of the few smart people in the American news business. So the following pains me, but it’s a three-fer:

Our Bronze goes to the host of MSNBC’s Countdown, for giving the award to all fans of Inter Milan on April 10th, 2006. A few fans on the Nerazzurri pelted the team with rocks and debris when they lost out on the scudetto that year. These fans are totally deserving of the award, but not “all” fans. Are you going to implicate yourself Kieth, for the lunacy of some drunken Yankees fans over the years? I doubt it. Don’t let your soccer bias allows you to do so to the majority of Inter fans. By the way this was the scudetto that Keith’s fact checking monkeys forgot to follow-up on in the print edition, as they eventually won the title, when the champions Juventus were stripped of the title for bribery. Oh and Keith, this is a good week to remind you, that the Italians are capable of far worse than a few rocks.

The Silver goes to K.O. as well. On December 12th of 2005, he named one Kirstie Adams of Uttoxeter as one of the worst people in the world. Her crime: she bought her newly born son membership in Derby Co. 25 minutes after giving birth. When my wife gave birth, they gave her this miracle anesthetic called an epidural. Maybe you’ve heard of it? Making a call is nothing. My wife could have hosted a party after the birth of my son, who like most kids, was taken to the nursery for precautionary reasons after he was born. And unlike baseball Keith, we in the world game support our clubs by becoming official members. I live across the ocean from my club, but still carry a membership card. And that kid will have quite the badge of honor in a few years to tell his mates. But mostly, I am calling you out because you spelled the club D-A-R-B-Y. It’s spelled with and “E”, so try a little tool called Google. And if you want to know why it’s pronounced that way, see Bill Bryson’s vastly superior read The Mother Tongue.

But our winner… Olbermann again.

On May 11th, 2006 he listed the owners (I think he meant board) of Arsenal for having sold seats from Highbury to supporters (he called them fans) that contained traces of Cadmium. Cadmium is a toxic metal that is known to cause infertility in men, and the board stopped the sell of said seats upon discovery. Sorry Keith, while they deserved to be listed, it was because they stopped selling the seats, not because they sold them in the first place. If you knew anything about the sport (he doesn’t), you would know that Arsenal fans, like Yankees fans, are scum-bags (which he points out was originally a term for a used prophylactic and thus seems so much more appropriate than we all thought). Thus inadvertently toxifying their junk and saving the planet a next generation of obnoxious scientologists goes under the mantle “for the greater good.”

Keith Olbermann, today’s Worst Person in the World.

Dick Daddy Develops Dandy Trend

So Steven Ireland feels that he is Superman. Well funny enough, anyone who has read a comic in the last 30 years can tell you how D.C. have emasculated the character to the point that he is no long “super” and thus Steven Ireland can actually make that claim legitimately. In fact, Aaron Lennon could probably knock Clark Kent around if push came to shove. But it makes me think, if Dick Daddy can be Superman, who could we cast in some of the other tights and capes of the Superhero world. I am going to start with the Fantastic Four, because of Barcelona’s usage of Marvel’s flagship team, to brand their forward line, in another odd connection of capes and footballers. So today, I offer the FF:

Tottenham’s Jermaine Jenas as Sue Storm, because he turns invisible anytime he plays a half-decent club.

Fulham’s Claus Jensen as The Thing, because he’s the hard-man with a face only a blind woman could love.

New England Revolution’s Jay Heaps as Mr. Incredible, because nobody could “stretch” so little, so far.

And

Benfica’s Gilles Binya as the Human Torch, because he is an impetuous hothead and a complete dick. Although I doubt he has the hottest sister on the planet.

Next: The Avengers

Leave Brittany Alone!

Wolfsburg have finally given up on football. The team, based in the city of the same name, which was built to house workers for what would become the Volkswagen Beetle, has never won anything. In fact until the early 90’s they had never even been in the Bundesliga. So rather than keep up the façade, chairman Hans-Dieter Pötsch has decided to pull financial support out of the club and focus on their new business model, which is 90’s style boy bands. While currently passé in the music industry, Vfb Wolfsburg are sure that the genre will come back as it often does, and this time they will be on the cutting edge.

Ladies, meet the ‘Da Wolves and get ready to cream yo’ panties.

Bang bang. Now you rolling with MC Quiroga. I be the sensitive member of ‘da band. My facial hair and dew rag say I’m a rebel. But my sweet face won’t scare young white prepubescent suburban girls, who can work out the complicated nature of female sexuality. They can fantasize about my love and support while they be finger-blastin’. Word!

Hola, me llamo Senor Costa. I’m here for the Latino demographic. I actually have talent, but it’s wasted on choreographed danced moves and the rare vocal accompaniment. I’m happy go lucky on the outside, but inside I cry as my ethnographic heritage is minimized for middle class uggs-wearing gringos. I will be working in the porn industry of Costa Rica within 5 years.

‘Sup I be Dynamite Dejagah. I be da guy with fake street cred, yo! I was once a gang-banga, sept it twas only be in Grand Theft Auto: Vice City. My turn ons be burkas and clitorectomies. My turns offs be ankles and Jews. Hit me up yo!

Yo. Marcelinho-Yo here. I’m the middle-age guy parading around in a boy’s band. I’m so old that even our groupie’s mother’s get skeeved at the after-party. But I’ll take a Viagra, some blood thinner and beta-blocer and three hours later, make sweet creepy love to you baby.

Hey, I’m Fire Brier. I’m ‘da ”fish outta wata”, the awkwardly inserted white guy. I overcompensate for my granola nature by borrowing freely from the counter-culture of minority groups. I lack any semblance of talent, but if I’m not thrown in and given a leading role, you can be sure nobody will buy this album and Tipper Gore would have a conniption. I was born for substance abuse and will be the only one to get a solo album and will most likely have a contrived tape of a sex-act with Lindsay Lohan on YouTube soon.

Be the first to download the debut album @ http://www.vflwolfsburg.de/fantuning

Thanks to Jan

Yeah, Me Too Fabio

ESPN's Jon Carter is miffed that nobody has read his newest opinion piece on Soccernet, which discusses the shortlist for World Player of the Year, last won by Fabio Cannavaro (he's to the right). A detailed study by the IT department at ESPN has found that after seeing the picture of Cannavaro with Monica Bellucci, who presented the Italian defender with the award at last year's ceremony, which was used to promote the piece, most respondents did not click the link for the story. 98% of readers went to Google. Of those who went to Google, the break down of search terms was found to be:

Bellucci: 25%
Tits: 33.2%
Bellucci, tits: 8.8%
Bellucci, awesome, tits: 3.4%
Bellucci, naked: 19.3%
Bellucci, beastiality: 2%
That hot fucking chick from the Matrix: 4.5%
That hot fucking chick from the Matrix, tits: 2.2%
Growing watermelons: .4%
Cannavaro: .2%