Jens Urged Not to Renig on Promise

Jens Lehmann admittance that he would 'give his life' to reach the final of Euro 2008 has the entirety of England pulling for Germany.

Not typically enamored with the Germans, the thought of the former Arsenal goalkeeper and all around massive bag of douche offing himself has galvanized the English citizenry to the point that 99.99% of all English football fans are desperately pulling for Deutchland tomorrow.

Said Collin Smythe, who had been rooting for Russia due to their exciting play, "I would even go as far as to say that I would have no issue with another 34 year drought if it would mean that Jens might swallow some rat poison willingly!"

Scouser Anthony Lockwood, who was pulling for the Spaniards due to the obvious connections with his beloved Liverpool has stated, "A German win tomorrow would be even better than the 5-1 win."

Even Arsenal supporters are on the bandwagon. Singer Dido has already written a song dedicated to the anticipated passing of their former keeper called "It took you long enough, wanker!"

A poll at the BBC, with over 700,000 hits, has immolation as the suggested way Jens should carry out his promise if Germany does indeed beat the Turks in tomorrow's semi-final.

Rene Adler

Nice compilation of the World's Best Keeper

Let's Remove the Potential Tag from Rene Adler

I’d like to talk this week about my man-crush, Rene Adler. Why is he my man-crush, you ask? Well, while the Bundesliga is my favorite league in the world, I have no team I support. It’s a liberating feeling because I can enjoy Bayern and Bremen or Schalke and BVB equally. Not so for the rest of the world, especially England. My one true club is Tottenham Hotspur and I can rarely enjoy an England match because of the subtext of said match in relation to Spurs. I am a nervous wreck about my club as I agonize more over losses and draws than I revel in victories. I go into this week’s Cup final with more misery than excitement. But such is my lot in life.

As a Spurs supporter and Bundesliga fanatic, there is one thing that stands out more than anything to me. My club’s lack of a goalkeeper and the plethora of great ones in Germany is a cruel juxtaposition; as I suffer a gaffe a game from my worthless pair of keepers, while I watch Adler, Neuer, Ulreich and Rensing make the future German #1 even more hairy than Löw’s choice between the old guard come this summer.

Of the young guns in the Bundesliga, Rene Adler is by far the most impressive and it is my fondest desire to see him manning the goal-mouth in North London. It will be my utter agony when he’s not and another bumbling Englishman leaks goals.

Watching the match-up between Karlsruhe and Bayer Leverkusen, I sat down to examine Rene Adler, to see if I am letting potential paint a better picture of Adler than is deserved. Is his ability now, enough to warrant consideration as a top notch goalie? I had come to believe that as with all youth, I was probably allowing his potential to be great to make him seem great prematurely: both enhancing outstanding plays and glossing over mistakes.

After his performance in Istanbul last week against Galatasaray, I felt that it was time to focus on him alone in a game. It just so happened that Leverkusen was playing a top six side this weekend, so I sat down to watch the upstarts and the re-emerging giants with full intent on finding the flaws of young Herr Adler.

There were none. His organization, communication, speed, strength, positioning, decision-making and bravery were all impeccable and together proved to be the complete package for a keeper. I came away from this game, with the realization that Rene Adler isn’t one for the future, he is one of the best goalies in Europe right now. And this was from a game where he conceded two goals.

What I have come to realize is that Bayer Leverkusen have a decent defense that is well organized. They do not have a great defense by any means. In fact, newly promoted Karlsruhe has much more talent in their back four than Michael Skibbe’s side. But what takes a well organized but unspectacular backline and turns it into the third stingiest in a very high-scoring league? The bookends of Simon Rolfes who plays as a holding mid in front of the back four and a keeper who makes the extraordinary common-occurrence.

Adler’s positioning is phenomenal. He had saves in the 54’ off Kennedy, 72’ off Franz and in the dying seconds of the game off the line that were due to his position in front of the net. In these cases he wasn’t required to move because he had set a sound base from which it was going to take the exceptional play to get the ball by him.

In the 60’, Fleiss did make the exceptional play. Left alone on the right channel, Freis curled the ball around Adler for KSC’s first goal, but Adler didn’t do anything wrong on this play. He guarded the near post cutting off the easy shot and forcing Fleiss to go around him with a shot that Adler still almost got a hand on.

It was an identical position (covering the near post) that had led to Adler’s second most impressive save of the game in the 8’ minute when Eichner, who tortured Sarpei the entire game, got free on the left and tried curl a shot around Adler. Adler was able to get down and get a hand on the low ball (that was bound for the back of the net) to parry it away. His quickness and agility are world-class.

What was the most impressive save, then? Well if you saw the game or highlights, you might think it was the 67’ save of a point-blank range shot that a free Hajnal made off a Freis flick-on. Adler charged the Hungarian playmaker, making his body an enormous obstacle, but Hajnal went low. Adler allowed his trailing leg to stay low and blocked the shot. It was perfect in every way. In light of Manuel Neuer’s allowing the exact same goal against Wolfsburg, it showed the difference between ability and potential, clearer than any accolades could possibly provide.

But that still wasn’t the most impressive save of the match. In the 40th minute, Hajnal was free just outside the box on the right with nobody in front of him. As usual Adler had a strong position, so Hajnal did the smart thing, he sent a screamer low across the goal mouth in an attempt to score on the far post. And he shot it so that the ball would bounce near Adler, which is always the most dangerous thing to do, because one never know how the ball will bounce. Adler dealt with the velocity, low trajectory and bounce by moving out to hand-save the ball before it could make contact with the turf. He eliminated the dangerous play by diving at an angle that an average or even decent keeper would never attempt. It was so sublime that it has found no mention in any game reports I doubt you even saw this one on the highlights, but it was worthy of comparisons to Cech, Buffon or Casillas. It showed intelligence and decision-making of the highest order..

It needs to be said that these were the highlight moments of the game. Karlsruhe dominated possession but was unable to get many shots in the game. Many of their through balls into the box found a Leverkusen defender, which is where the outstanding organization I mentioned earlier comes into play. But the goalkeeper is part of this organization, and such organization proves that Adler doesn’t detract from the back four (which is something Paul Robinson at Tottenham is guilty of).

Perhaps its time to remove the potential label associated with this young keeper. He’s beyond that now. Adler is the best goalkeeper in the Bundesliga and he is one big performance in a big away from stardom. I would contend that Joachim Löw could do worse than put his trust in Rene Adler this summer, let alone the future. And I feel that he will eventually become one of the most expensive goalkeepers in the world. Hint, hint Juande.

Tactical Analysis: Japan v. Mexico

At one point in Stuttgart’s 4-1 victory over Eintracht Frankfurt, there were 2 Japanese and 3 Mexican players on the pitch. This interesting fact leads to the face off the two nations in the tactical analysis of the game, because Eintracht deployed the Japanese Junichi Inamoto as a holding midfield; whereas, Stuttgart used the Mexican Pavel Pardo. Watching the difference between the two was like watching night and day, and there effort in the role and the game can alone account for the disparity of the result. But I must add that it was a microcosm of both teams, where Stuttgart was vastly superior in all areas.

Inamoto set up shop between his own 18 and the center circle. I counted two times that he made any penetration past the midway point, throughout the entirety of his time on the pitch. On offense, Inamoto camped out in the center circle and seemed intent on squatting in the area to purchase land at a later date. He was flat footed on any offensive maneuver and provided no outlet to Frankfurt’s occasional trips into Stuttgart territory. Repeatedly Frankfurt were playing back when on the attack because a player was forced to keep the ball at his feet due to Inamoto’s reluctance to move forward into space.

On defense, he was playing directly in front of the center half pairing of Cris and Kyrgiakos, giving them 3-4 meters at best. He was able to get stuck in deep in his own half on occasion, but he left meters of space completely unguarded in the middle of the pitch. It didn’t take long for Cacau, Pardo, Hitzlsperger and even Miera to exploit this fact. Stuttgart didn’t dominate the middle of the pitch as much as they were gifted it in this game. And make no mistake about it: it was a well appreciated gift as they played beautiful attacking football right through the heart of Eintracht. And mostly, it has to be put down to Inamoto’s positioning and lack of lung power.

Both Ochs and Spycher spent time with him in the central midfield. Both could be seen, occasionally, getting a foot in before it was in dangerous territory or providing an options going forward. This can be best seen in the Eagles opening goal of the game, when Ochs tackled the ball away from Hitzlsperger in Stuttgart territory and played the ball to Köhler who scored. Ochs had the only decent game by any Frankfurt player, but Inamoto had one of the laziest performances I have ever seen. Had he worked at even a fraction of Ochs’ rate this game could have been different.

As for Stuttgart, Pavel Pardo was terrific in this game. His passing was sublime, such as when he fed Roberto Hilbert’s perfectly timed run for the equalizer. He played his defensive midfield role perfectly, forcing Frankfurt to use the touch line for any attacking. He worked seamlessly to cover Fernando Miera, who launched into attack often. (It was nice to see Miera paired back with the reliable Matthieu Delpierre after a long injury in what is one of the best center-half combos in the Bundesliga.) And he was a threat going forward, such as when he took a shot from nearly 10 meters that hit the post and almost ricocheted off the keepers back for the second goal soon after the restart.

Mostly his work-rate was phenomenal, covering on defense, moving throughout the width of midfield and thrusting forward. And it stood in stark contrast to the motionless effort put in by his counterpart for the home side. He was easily man of the match.

Joachim Low Mumbles Something Positive About Chelsea

German Captain Michael Ballack played in a reserves match on Monday as he continues to improve his fitness after seven months of rehab following multiple surgeries on his ankles. Progression on his fitness is going well, as he plans at least one more reserve match before returning to the first team. This is expected to happen sometime this weekend, after the 5th of 6 games of group play in the Champion's League for the London club.

Joachim Low has called a press conference to publicly apologize for being an ass back in September when he questioned Chelsea's decision to leave the midfielder off their 23 man roster for the group phase. Perhaps he could have called the press conference back in October, which he set out as the return date for Ballack. When Ballack didn't show up for any of the international run-ins for Euro 2008, Low must have figured out that Ballack's club knew a hell of a lot more than he did.

Proof That Carlos Alberto Can Stay Off the Ground

After a training ground scuffle between Carlos Alberto and Boubacar Sanogo, it has been revealed that: YES, this is the first time all season that the Brazilian has been missed at Werder.

Poor Timing?

Will Huub Steven decision unify or fracture the club? Hamburg is surprisingly within striking distance of the “greatest team ever assembled”. This doesn’t come as a shock on HSV’s end, like Karlsruhe’s ascendancy. In fact most of us haven’t forgotten their top three position, two years ago, followed by a devastating start of last season that saw Stevens take over and turn them into one of the best teams in the Bundesliga in the second half of last year. There were some (me) who tipped them for second this year.


But all of the momentum that has swept Hamburg forward this year looks ready to be undone by the sudden announcement by manager Huub Stevens that he will take over the vacant position at PSV Eindhoven next summer. Rather than sign an extension with the team he guided from bottom to 7th starting last February, in addition to their current 3rd place position, Stevens will return to the club he spent time at as a player. Wanting to spend time with his ill wife, Stevens announced the move during the international break. While I have no issue with the decision, as Hamburg offered the short contract and will get burned by decision, I do wonder how the timing of the announcement will go down with a squad that has the confidence and ability to push the Bavarian giants all the way for the title.


Stevens seemed to have found a comfort zone with captain and talisman Rafael van der Vaart, who is poised to leave sooner rather than later. With van der Vaart towing the party line and providing leadership and attack impetus on the field, Stevens has harnessed the full potential of his temperamental Dutch superstar. How he reacts is paramount to rest of the season for HSV. It’s not that they will ever lose VDV’s contribution on the field, as he will need to continue to provide to attract the interest of Spanish and English teams. But will he become more selfish? Will his attitude, especially as captain, become one of seeing out the year and thus negating his aura of talisman? These are central questions to the Stevens decision to announce his departure.


In addition, most of these players will be facing their 2nd new manager in a year in a half come May. How is this going to affect morale? Do they see the top three, or more, as a guarantee of worth to the incoming trainer? Or do they sink into self-doubt and worry as they await the announcement and arrival of a new manager. He has gotten the best out of youngsters Vincent Kompany and Jerome Boateng. Will the youth suffer with the impending loss of their manager? And will they have veterans to help them adjust to the volatile time? And where will the squad stand in January, when they need to strengthen their striking corps, which has failed to impress this season. Will they be able to find takers willing to come to a rudderless ship?


So the next few weeks are a pivotal time for the Rothosen. Stevens will need to bring a sense of purpose to the squad in order to get the most out of them as a lame duck He will not be able to afford a dip in form if he hopes to gain on Bayern Munich as the team fights off the consistent Werder Bremen, the emerging Stuttgart and the always dangerous Schalke.

Crestfallen: Bundesliga Badge Table

20. Kaiserslautern

There is definitely a missed marketing opportunity in college frat houses in the U.S.
Asshole #1: ing “A” dudes. Look at my new ing shirt.
Asshole #2: ing Sweet Dude.
Asshole #1: me, 'bro. I so need to me some pussy.
Asshole #2: I have some ing roofies. Up for some date-rape?
Asshole #1: Yeah.

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19. FC Nurnberg

Dietmar, why did you steal our ing logo?

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18. Borussia Dortmund

Interestingly, the BVB stands for Ballspiel-Verein Borussia. And that would be about the only ing interesting thing about this total lack of imagination.

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17. Schalke 04

The G stands for” Goddammit, at least put in the effort!

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16. Hansa Rostock

We all know that the Hanseatic League started losing its position of power in the Baltic around the time that Rostock joined the guild. Why? I would contest that Rostock ship designs had some influence. Who wants to sail in a melted horseshoe?

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15. Cologne

Here’s how I imagine two roommates would interact in Cologne

#1: Look out the window and tell me if it’s raining.
#2: No. It’s cloudy but not raining.
#1: Is that giant goat cock still out there?
#2: Yes. Yes it is.

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14. FC Augsburg 1907

Eww! Is that a butt-plug? I hope they bleached that ing thing.

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13. SC Freiburg

The griffin is a legendary creature with the body of a lion, considered the king of the beasts, and the head and wings of an eagle, the king of the birds. Since the royals of Europe are a cesspool of genetic singularity that would rival a trailer park in the Ozarks, it does explain the sickly, inbred nature of this pathetic creature.

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12. Eintracht Frankfurt

I’m with you freaky royal eagle. I would scream too if I had hemorrhoids like that. It’s like you pushed through your entire small intestines.

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11. Vfb Stuttgart

Oh I would love that font for my site. Is that Drunken German Lithographer Condensed Italic?

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10. Wolfsburg

ho are you kidding?

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9. Bayer Leverkusen

Thanks for ruining Aspirin for me. Now I won’t be able to take one without thinking “hey, did a couple of tiny savannah cats dry-hump this pill?”

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8. MSV Duisburg

Now if this was an American team, one would just think the Zebra is an obtuse random mascot, but football clubs try to attach their crest to local civic history. So I present to you the mysterious Black Forest Blue Zebra?

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7. Hannover 96

Simple, but for some reason it feels dyslexic.

Man: This is doing nothing for me.
Woman: Me either.
Man: I expected more oral action. I can’t even see your vagaina.
Woman: I am really uncomfortable with the location of your buttocks right now.
Man: Let me check the Kuma Satra again.

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6. Werder Bremen

You’ll see this occasionally in a gym’s sauna. It’s called frot. And if you think its awkward walking in on two guys rubbing their wangs together, each staring back at you with dear-in-the-headlight gazes, just ask the guy that caught me and Jasper

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5. Hamburg

Do you know the difference between a “brown eye” and a “chocolate starfish”? Yes, it’s called wiping.

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4. Bochum

This is simple and elegant. High marks…..wait a minute. 1848? Who are you kidding? Don’t try to pass off the year you started tossing a medicine ball as the year the football club was established. Its disingenuous.

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3. 1860 Munich

So tonight, tonight.

Let it be

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2. Bayern Munich

Sorry, love them or hate them, this is one of the best damn crests around. The middle part is the flag of Bavaria.

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1. F.C. St. Pauli

First, because they are older, they forced Hamburg to adopt the aforementioned “balloon knot”. And then there is the motto: “Non-established since 1910”. I ing love this club.

Leave Brittany Alone!

Wolfsburg have finally given up on football. The team, based in the city of the same name, which was built to house workers for what would become the Volkswagen Beetle, has never won anything. In fact until the early 90’s they had never even been in the Bundesliga. So rather than keep up the façade, chairman Hans-Dieter Pötsch has decided to pull financial support out of the club and focus on their new business model, which is 90’s style boy bands. While currently passé in the music industry, Vfb Wolfsburg are sure that the genre will come back as it often does, and this time they will be on the cutting edge.

Ladies, meet the ‘Da Wolves and get ready to cream yo’ panties.

Bang bang. Now you rolling with MC Quiroga. I be the sensitive member of ‘da band. My facial hair and dew rag say I’m a rebel. But my sweet face won’t scare young white prepubescent suburban girls, who can work out the complicated nature of female sexuality. They can fantasize about my love and support while they be finger-blastin’. Word!

Hola, me llamo Senor Costa. I’m here for the Latino demographic. I actually have talent, but it’s wasted on choreographed danced moves and the rare vocal accompaniment. I’m happy go lucky on the outside, but inside I cry as my ethnographic heritage is minimized for middle class uggs-wearing gringos. I will be working in the porn industry of Costa Rica within 5 years.

‘Sup I be Dynamite Dejagah. I be da guy with fake street cred, yo! I was once a gang-banga, sept it twas only be in Grand Theft Auto: Vice City. My turn ons be burkas and clitorectomies. My turns offs be ankles and Jews. Hit me up yo!

Yo. Marcelinho-Yo here. I’m the middle-age guy parading around in a boy’s band. I’m so old that even our groupie’s mother’s get skeeved at the after-party. But I’ll take a Viagra, some blood thinner and beta-blocer and three hours later, make sweet creepy love to you baby.

Hey, I’m Fire Brier. I’m ‘da ”fish outta wata”, the awkwardly inserted white guy. I overcompensate for my granola nature by borrowing freely from the counter-culture of minority groups. I lack any semblance of talent, but if I’m not thrown in and given a leading role, you can be sure nobody will buy this album and Tipper Gore would have a conniption. I was born for substance abuse and will be the only one to get a solo album and will most likely have a contrived tape of a sex-act with Lindsay Lohan on YouTube soon.

Be the first to download the debut album @ http://www.vflwolfsburg.de/fantuning

Thanks to Jan

Tactical Analysis: Weder Bremen v. Hertha Berlin

Werder Bremen needs to switch to a three-man back. You have to understand that I abhor the three-man back, typically; however, in the case of Thomas Schaaf’s squad it might be a boon. Schaaf epitomizes the defensive-player turned attack-minded trainer, possibly more than anyone in the history of the sport. One of his tactics is to push his fullback forward as modified wing-backs, which results in one or both moving forward anytime Werder attacks (which is often). This leaves them with two in the back on most occasions, and three if as against Hertha Fritz or Panasen could be bothered to track all the way back.

The basic difference between a WB and a FB is that wing-back sets up shop near the half-way line rather than deeper in his half. It’s a midfield position that requires extreme lung power. It means that a wing-back is required to track-back; whereas a full-back defends and moves forward. It’s a tactical nuance that is preferential to its employer. Unfortunately a wing-back system is better suited to a three-man backfield.

In the case of Werder, its deployment with two centerbacks is why they are 2^nd in the table while having conceded goals at relegation rate. The other problem for Werder is the use of a fullback to do a midfielder’s job, in effect, dilutes the talent pool on the pitch. Fritz is a competent fullback, but he is a midfielder by trade and brings a lot more to the table as such. Panasen is a stopgap for Wome, who is injured. Neither bring as much to the table as one of Schaaf’s strong stable of midfielders, such as Baumann, Borowski, Alberto, Andreasen, Frings, Jensen or Vranjes, when he returns.

The suprising thing from the game against HBS was how trainer Lucien Favre failed to exploit Panasen on the left. Berlin, when afforded the chance, would attack down their left flank, where Frisk was usually ready to track-back. On the other side, when Favre’s men attacked, Panasen was nowhere to be seen and Metsacker was always moving out of position to close the space.

For Werder, why not just swap Wome/Panasen for a centerback to pair with Naldo and Metsacker? This frees up a slot for a midfielder, which should help them dominate the midfield battle even more than they typically do. This puts less stress on the center backs and when Naldo goes left or Per goes right, there are still two central defenders to guard the cross.

On the day, Werder dominated the game. They created chance after chance. During the first half, Hertha’s back line played a dangerous but brilliantly executed game of packing the 18. Werder would make the moves to get through the midfield, but the final pass would find its way to a man marked in the box. For a team that gave up three goals, Hertha played beautiful defense during the first half. In the second, Werder started shooting from distance. These led to some close chances and openings for the forward line that pushed the game’s pace up a gear. Still they couldn’t get the goal.

The turning point came on Hertha’s big mistake of the day. Hertha tried playing an offside trap in their own half. Almeida was freed for a pass into space by Diego. It was a 15-20 yard pass that shows where Werder is most dangerous, playing medium passes on the break. The second goal by Rosenborg was stared by a 20 yard aerial pass. The final goal by Andreasen was on the break and Andreasen was targeted after two medium distance passes, one to open the field and the other to find him in the box.

If Werder were to utilize three at the back, they would invite more attacking from their opponents, which three would handle easier than the two they have now. And this would result in more counter opportunities. In this one move, Werder can stabilize their leaky defense and open the game to their strengths. Potentially this might be the slight shift they need to catch F.C. Bayern.

No Smoke And Mirrors Here

So how is Karlsruhe doing it? Their win against Stuttgart, while surprising, was in the long run a derby game, and in retrospect Stuttgart is pot anyway. But when Karlsruhe waltzed into Veltins and walked away with a 2-0 win against a team that hadn’t lost this year, Karlsruhe was officially “for real”.

Studying this weekend’s game in Gelsenkirchen, there is only one reason for Karlsruhe’s current ascendancy; however, there are a few items to dismiss first. They could be construed as causation, when they are in fact, systematic of something else entirely.

The first is injuries: in this case to the opposing teams. While Karlsruhe has led a relatively healthy campaign so far, Schalke has not been so fortunate. They were missing two of their stalwart defenders in Christian Pander and Mladen Krstajic. While Heiko Westermann did a reasonable good job partnering Bordon in Krstajic’s stead, it was easy to see that Bordon felt less liberated in moving forward without the excellent man-marker Krstajic to hold the fort. And Westermann got caught in no-man’s land on the second goal. Meanwhile, 19 year-old Benedikt Howedes was a little shakier in Pander’s place, but Karlsruhe’s manager Edmund Becker failed to take advantage of this and attacked Schalke’s left much less than he should have.

Poor calls definitely hurt Schalke in this game. Kevin Kuranyi was whistled incorrectly for offside on three occasions. The first would have provided a lead. The second would have provided an equalizer or cushion, depending on how you might read the game as having proceeded after the first goal. This was huge and definitely cost Schalke the game, but it does not explain Karlsruhe’s season, as they don’t get “every” call.

Tactics turned the game quite significantly, but more against Mirko Slomka than for Becker. Slomka made a slew of tactical decisions that hurt the Royal Blues chances in this game, but they are endemic of the season. It was just that Karlsruhe was the first to take full advantage of the mistakes.

First, Slomka insists on playing without width. He employed four central midfielders in his lineup. And while Jermaine Jones is willing to slot wide on the right on a few occasions, Zlatan Bajramovic has no idea where the touch line on the left is to be found. The only width that Schalke typically employs is from their backs or when Asamoah or Kuranyi wander out wide. But the entire system is built around Kuranyi expertise in the air, so taking him out of the box while Jones and Bajramovic wander aimlessly is inept. Slomka did see the mistake and rightly brought Özil on at the beginning of the second half, and that is just when Kuranyi became dangerous and the aforementioned linesman’s shenanigan’s started.

Slomka’s second tactical error was the removal of Asamoah for Lovenkrands. This actually worked in the Ligapokal meeting between the two sides that went Schalke’s way. But back then Kuranyi had played deep rather than forward. In this game, up until the substitution there was a stalemate in the midfield, even though Schalke was playing narrow. Hajnal, KSC’s midfield general, was totally absent from the game for the first 60 minutes of the game. Porcello was inauspicious as well. But Lovenkrands is a forward, while Asamoah is a forward disguised as a midfield, who likes to come back for the ball and hold. With Asamoah, Schalke overpowered Karlsruhe, clogged channels and negated their effectiveness (their width problems negated their own). When the Dane came on, the five-man midfield became a four-man mid and channels opened up quickly. Timms was free on the right within four minutes of the change.

But these point to what hurt Schalke, not why Karlruhe is a contender. The problem with all of these is that they leave out Karlsruhe’s strength, that which has made them impossible to beat on the road and put them second in the table. And it stands in direct contrast to what they were expected to do coming up this year as a high-scoring second division team. We expected that they would push teams with tempo, but what they are doing is stifling them with a stellar defense. They have given up 12 goals this season, but four of them were to FC Bayern and three were away to Bayer 04. Otherwise they have three clean sheets, and Millar has looked rock-solid between the sticks. The central pairing of Eichner and Franz is superb and the backs of Eggimann and Gorlitz defend first. Eggimann, in particular, does not seem one to escape the attention of bigger clubs for long. Yes, tiny Karlsruhe with its record breaking offense in Zwei last year is one of the most competent defensive units in the Bundesliga. That’s how they are doing it. No smoke and mirrors. Good old fashion defending.

Champions League is for Suckers; English, Italian and Spanish Suckers!

Germany embraces the UEFA Cup. With Bayern Munich playing in Europe’s 2^nd tournament for the first time in a decade, the rest of Germany is trying to keep up with the country’s biggest club. That includes Werder Bremen, Schalke 04 and Stuttgart, who are currently in the Champions League.

The going has been tough for the three Champions League teams. Werder Bremen and Stuttgart find themselves in 4^th in their respective groups, having failed to secure draws this past week to secure the coveted 3^rd spot, a position that drops teams into the UEFA Cup Round of 32. Schalke currently find themselves in 3^rd spot, but questions at Chelsea following the dismissal of Jose Mourinho and Valencia’s inability to finish, leave the current second place team in the Bundesliga in a dubious position. A positive result in either of the upcoming fixtures with Chelsea could see the Gelsenkirchen side slip into second place.

It wasn’t like manager Mirko Slomka didn’t try. He employed a midfield with no width against Rosenborg, who dominated the midfield, but his team unfortunately countered for two goals. Werder Bremen’s Thomas Schaaf will be disappointed with his team’s loss to Olympiakos. The goal they so desperately wanted to concede after dominating possession by over 60% during the match, escalated into two others quickly, meaning they need to win one of the games approaching with Lazio to move up one space. Stuttgart have to hope they are less sucktacular than Lyon to secure third.

Meanwhile in the actual competition, Leverkusen, FC Bayern, Hamburg and even lowly Nurnberg made it to the group stages. Leverkusen gave away two early goals which seemed to jeopardize their chances, but pulled through at Uniao Leiria. Nurnberg used the away goals rule to get by Rapid Bucharest. Hamburg demolished a Lycra/Spandex blend from Bulgaria, while Bayern made short work of another Portuguese side. All four will find their group pairings this coming Tuesday.

If things go according to plan, the Bundesliga could see seven teams through to the quarterfinals of the competition, which is now being called “das Ligapokal Zwei” colloquially in Germany. It would undoubtedly give Germany a half-decent chance of capturing its first UEFA Cup since Bayern and Schalke’s double of 95/96 and 96/97. The closest the Bundesliga have come since was Borussia Dortmund’s loss in Rotterdam to Feyenoord in 2002. It was a tragedy, really, as Dortmund awaited the return leg only to find out the competition had changed to a one-leg final three years prior.

Stand Up, Speak Up For Honkey Power

Prior to last weekend, Borussia Dortmund stood in 2nd place following a string of three clean sheets, including a 3-0 dismantling of high-flying Werder Bremen. But things have changed as Thomas Doll’s men crashed out on a rare “English” week in the Bundesliga with a 3-2 loss to Hertha Berlin and a 3-0 loss the HSV. Now BVB stand in 11th and have conceded 17 goals in their five losses. The pressure is starting to mount on Doll.

So that is why the former East German standout has recruited notorious skin head Hans Weißeliebe as his new goal coach. Back on September 14th starting keeper Ramon Weidenfeller got into a tussle with Gerald Asamoah of Schalke in Dortmund’s 4-1 defeat. During the confrontation Weidenfeller called Asamoah either a “black” pig or a “gay” pig and was subsequently fined and banned for three games. During those three games, Dortmund won all without conceding.

It is thought that Weidenfeller’s repeated apology and Asamoah’s forgiveness saved the 27 year-old keeper from a heftier ban. Thomas Doll is infuriated with the German FA’s leniency, which he feels might cost him his job. By employing a man whose stance on racial purity scares even Nick Griffin, Doll hopes to get his starting keeper to lash out again and get a longer ban. In the increasingly diverse country, Doll feels that his plan will bear fruit soon, as the number of Ghanaians, Nigerians, Turks and North Africans in the league will be too tempting to the increasingly brainwashed Roman.

However, concerns over the potential use of homophobic language has Doll employing a different strategy concerning gays. Along with the orgy of hate that Weißeliebe routinely bombards Roman with, the goalie is also taking sensitivity training. Fearful that a gay slur will incur no wrath from the German FA, as gays are typically "cool" with being treated with disdain, Doll wants to make sure his keeper avoids abuse of the emasculating variety.

Hopefully, Weudenfeller's next outburst will be so offensive that it will lead to the purchase of a new stickminder in January. To be safe, he has his keeper watching old speeches by P.W. Botha rather than games of opponents during video sessions.

"You Say Schwule, I Say Schwarze"

We can only speculate over what Dortmund keeper Roman Weidenfeller said to Gerald Asamoah in the derby match between bitter rivals Dormund and Schalke back on September 14th. While Asamoah claims the keeper’s trash talk included a reference to his color after he slammed into Weidenfeller, the keeper claimed his slur was homophobic. Such is the idiocy of football at times.

For you English speakers the difference is between “schwule Sau” (gay pig) and “schwarze Sau” (black pig). Either way, the German FA handed Dortmund’s 27 year old keeper a three game ban. Pigs everywhere are wondering why they had to be involved at all.

There is compelling evidence that Weidenfeller apologized twice within the context of the game for the insult, and it is certain that Asamoah accepted an apology by the time of the hearing. Many feel that this led to a reduced sentence. However Thomas Doll might be wondering if Asamoah’s leniency might cost him his job.

Borussia Dortmund started the season in shambles losing their first two games by a combined score of 7-2 to lowly Duisburg and rival Schalke. They have lost their last two games, to surprising Hertha Berlin and Hamburg by an aggregate 6-2. During both of these two-game skids, Dortmund’s defense has looked fragmented and uncommunicative.

During the three games that interceded, Dortmund won three straight, all with clean sheets, climbing to second in the table. It was these three games that saw veteran backup Marc Ziegler between the sticks due to the suspension. While Doll has fluctuated between Philipp Degen and Christian Worns to partner Leonardo, the only consistency to be found is Weidenfeller’s absence. And watching his games, one can’t fault Weidenfeller for goals per se, but there is a distinct difference in the defense’s posture and movement when he is in goal as compared to Ziegler.

It’s one of those nuances that fans can never really know: how a keeper communicates with his backs. When goals are being scored, it is a topical concern. When they are not, it is assumed to be good. But what is quite clear within seven games, and subsequently having seen how much better Christoph Metzelder looks in front of Iker Casillas at Real Madrid, that Weidenfeller does not command his defense and is costing a giant of German football goals (and points) by the handful. Does Doll need another racist/homophobic remark to help him or will he see the light in time to save his job.

Oliver Kahn: Skater of Jater?

Oliver Kahn has placed the blame for last week's draw at Hamburg directly on trainer Otto Hitzfeld.

"I demanded a DVR be installed and he refused," he yelled at the linesman during the draw. Bayern Munich's current form has been breath-taking and their midfield domination of teams has meant little work for the keeper who is retiring at the end of the season. After giving away only one attempt on goal in their first three games, Hitzfeld agreed to Kahn's request of a television and satellite hookup between the sticks, but balked at a DVR instillation as it just seemed absurd.

However Mohamed Zidan, who was the first player to score on Kahn, this campaign, caught the keeper at just the right moment while he was watching the season three finale of Lost, which was finally being broadcast in Germany. Kahn was watching as Jack Shepherd descended into substance abuse, when he was forced make a diving attempt at David Jarolim's parry which Zidan was able to clean up.

Hitzfeld has countered that Kahn's anger is not at a lack of a DVR, but rather that he is upset about missing the pivotal moment of the sci-fi finale and having only realized post-game, while surfing the Fuselage website, that the flashbacks had actually been flash-forwards. Kahn has said that the DVR better be in place by the time the 1st season of Heroes is broadcast or there could be hell to pay.

Five to Watch

With the Bundesliga starting this week, here is a list of 5 youngsters who I tip to make a big impact this year. Keep an eye out for them.

1) Ivan Rakitić – Schalke 04

The 19 year-old Croatian international has been brought in to replace the Brazilian Lincoln, who left for Turkey in the off season. He is a gifted attacking midfielder who is comfortable with both feet. It will be Rakitić’s job to link the defence with Kevin Kuranyi and if he proves to be as good as he was with FC Basel, who he led to a Swiss double scoring 11 goals, then Schalke may end their 50 years of misery.


2) Mario Gomez - Stuttgart

The 22 year old forward was recently voted the best player in the league by a polling of journalists. He scored 14 goals in 25 games last year for the Bundesliga champions and it was his return from injury that spearheaded the Swabians run of 8 on the trot at the end of the season. His early season form saw him garner a call-up to the national team and he has an impressive 3 goals in 3 games. He will once again be the catalyst for Stuttgart’s counter-attacking tactics, and his form this year will be crucial to their chance to repeat. His father is Spanish and his mother is German, in case you were confused.

3) Aaron Hunt – Werder Bremen

The 20 year old forward and German U21 international might fly under the radar for high-scoring Werder Bremen. While Markus Rosenborg will be expected to shoulder the burden of replacing Mirroslav Klose, Bremen’s other forward position will be up for grabs. And the speedy left-footed Hunt, who can play in the hole or as a striker, might be more suitable playing with target man Rosenborg than Hugo Almeida, whom he will share time with. After recovering from a knee injury in 2006/7, he may have shown his potential when he scored a hat-trick in a 3-0 win over Bochum last March.


4) Jan Rosenthal – Hannover 96

Hannover flirted with relegation last year until Dieter Hecking changed his tactics and implemented a 4-2-3-1 based around playmaker Arnold Bruggin. Szabolcs Huszt and 21 year-old Rosenthal were placed along side the Dutchman to provide support and Hannover moved from 17th to 11th. Rosenthal was an unlikely hero, as he had spent the previous season dealing with a career threatening knee injury. His six goals and tireless running helped Hannover avoid relegation and with a new signings in front of this trio, Hannover could be pushing for a UEFA spot this campaign.

5) Vincent Kompany - Hamburg

The 21 year-old defender was the hottest defensive commodity in the world at this time last year. But a serious Achilles tendon injury during a 3-1 Champion’s League defeat to Porto ended his season after six games. He is back and Huub Stevens is hoping he can start to live up to expectations. Stevens plans to move him up to holding mid to take the pressure off the young Belgium international and provide a cushion in front of the more experienced Bastian Reinhardt and Joris Mathijsen. Last week, he, indeed, showed some promise, helping Hamburg through the Intertoto Cup in a 4-0 win over Chişinău, where he scored the first goal.

Liga Pokal 2007

While most countries are preparing for the upcoming season with friendlies, the Bundesliga has made a major tournament out of the preseason. The Premier League Cup, or Ligapokal, is a small knock-out tournament that precedes the start of the Bundesliga by incorporating the top four finishers from the previous season, the winner of the German FA Cup and the winner of the Bundesliga Zwei. The winner is rewarded €2 million, which is a considerable sum for a European summer tournament. Rather than the Charity Shield (which was the format the Ligapokal followed from 1972 to 1996), think of a series of games between United, Liverpool, Chelsea, Arsenal, Tottenham and Sunderland.

While teams from the rest of Europe's top leagues travel the world hoping to market their brand and exhausting their players before the season even start or playing friendlies against weak competition on the continent to get their players match fit, Germany's top sides are playing a real competition against equal sides. Bayern and Schalke's runs to the final included three games for each side which puts them in September condition for their first games next week. It also gave them time to assess new signings and tactics under premium conditions. England, Spain, France and Italy would serve themselves well to follow Germany, who is now looking to grow the tournament from six to 32 teams in the coming years.

Let's take a look at this year iteration.

The first round started with Bayern Munich v. Werder Bremen and Karlsruhe v. Schalke 04. The winners would face the champions Stuttgart and FC Nurnberg respectively.

The results:

Bremen 1 – 4 Bayern Munich

A retooled Bayern needed little time to showcase their new signings, as Zé Roberto, Hamit Altintop, Miroslav Klose and Franck Ribéry were all involved in the braces that led to a 4-1 dismantling of Werder Bremen, after falling behind early in a very tense affair. Bremen can look to the return of Diego, Nadal and Aaron Hunt as well as the new addition of Carlos Alberto to give them solace for a poor performance all around. Meanwhile, Bayern looks to be an absolutely enthralling team to follow this year, as their midfield is extremely fluid allowing all their central depth to move forward, providing chances from in and outside the box. All of their goals came from the midfield. Their major concern could be finding roles for everyone as they also have depth at striker that wasn't addressed due to injuries to Luca Toni and Lucas Podolski.

Karlsruhe 0 – 1 Schalke

Last year's stingiest defense in the Bundesliga faced off with last year's top scoring team from the Bundesliga Zwei. While a seeming ridiculous stat, the game played out along those lines with Schalke playing deep and creating little while Karlsruhe attacked in waves. The turning point of this game, in retrospect, came very early when Schalke's captain Bordon took down Edmond Kapllani in the 5th. A weak penalty shot by Tamás Hajnal, combined with an excellent read by Manuel Neuer, saw the end to Karlsruhe's best chance. The rest of the game was played in the middle of the field with Schalke, missing star Kevin Kuranyi, showing a lack of creativity. Karlsruhe who had relied on the wings for the first 20 minutes found those channels closed with sticky going in the middle. The game was decided on the only mistake tiny Karlsruhe made during the game when their center-halves Mario Eggiman and Maik Franz were caught flatfooted by a back pass and Halil Altintop finished his chance.

Nürnberg 2 -4 Schalke

This was a score that flattered to deceive both the whole Nurnberg squad and 10 of Schalke's squad. A game that took place for the first 35 minutes between the two boxes, other than Nürnberg's early goal, exploded with life if the last few minutes of the first half with goals by Levan Kobiaschvili, Fabian Ernst and Peter Lovenkrands. A 4th was added in the 58th minute by Heiko Westermann. All four goals had one thing in common, Kevin Kuranyi. The German international was instrumental in taking charge of the game and setting up all of the goals. Passes to free Kobiaschvili and Ernst were followed by a pass that freed Kobiaschvili down the right who crossed for Lovenkrands and the third goal. Kuranyi's work in the box earned the corner that led to the final goal and it was Nürnberg's collapse on him that left Westermann free to score. The entire Schalke attacking mentality was down to getting the ball to Kuranyi and it was easy to see the difference in the sluggish side that barely escaped Karlsruhe and this side that dissected Nürnberg's typically stern defense so effectively. One was left to wonder why a double teaming of Kuranyi wasn't employed by manager Hans Meyer.

Stuttgart 0 –2 Bayern Munich

Stuttgart played a very conservative counter-attacking tactic against Bayern Munich and provided no better a clue how to diffuse the behemoth from Bavaria. In the first game, the free-flowing Bremen had folded under Bayern's fluid attack and Stuttgart fared no better with a more stoic approach. Altintop continued to impress down the right flank. Zé Roberto provided flawless cleanup. Van Bommel did the dirty work, including an offense to an opposing groin that would get him suspended for the final. Bastian Schweinsteiger and Ribéry provided the service and youngster Sandro Wagner was given the chance up front due to 3 injured forwards at Munich. The final score could have been greater as Munich was off on a few chances that could have left it at 5-0, but a Ribéry blast off a Wagner back-heel and Wagner's finish off Ribéry's cross secured the final for Bayern.

Bayern Munich 1 – 0 Schalke 04

The final hinged on two factors. First, there was the experience of Bayern's Oliver Kahn compared to Schalke's Neuer. While both played solidly, Kahn dealt with Schalke's best chances cleanly, while Neuer came off his line and played the oncoming Bordon and Klose rather than the ball in one of Bayern's better attacks. The resulting goal was all that Bayern would need to secure the cup. The second factor was the combination of an injury to Ribéry, the suspension of Van Bommel and the resting of Schweinsteiger. The new look midfield was less fluid and more defensive in structure and resulted in Bayern making less penetration into Schalke's final third. Schalke's counter-attack was stymied by this and Kuranyi was left with less room to operate. Since Schalke move into their opponent's final 3rd predominately through Kuranyi, they made few chances even when chasing the game.

Moving into next week, let's take a look at what might be expected from viewing this tournament. A late season comparison will follow.

It was thought that Ribéry might be a replacement for Schweinsteiger after the latter caught Lyme's disease. But with both in the midfield and capable of switching from the middle to both the left and right flank, the stretch the defense, disrupt tactics and allow the deep-lying midfielders space for surges, especially Altintop who has a dangerous long range shot. They also seem to work well with one another and already show signs of excellent attacking partnership. Expect to Bayern to start hot and never look back.

Schalke 04 will make the semi-finals of the Champion's League. They are an excellent counter-attacking side with a bona fide superstar in Kevin Kuranyi. They are solid in the back ad are a difficult side to beat. They can afford to play for a dray because if they can make it to penalties they have Neuer between the sticks and he has a thoroughly impressive penalty record to rely on. What they lack is the link between their defense and Kuranyi that Lincoln provided last year, but they are looking towards Steven Appiah to fix that. If they get Appiah, who knows how far they could go in the Bundesliga and the Champion's League.

Stuttgart's loss of Timo Hildebrand will cost them at least 10 points this year. A team that relies on defense the way Stuttgart does can ill afford to lose one of the best keepers in the game and expect a shaky new keeper like Raphael Schäfer to give them the same service. Given time Schäfer will be a serviceable keeper, but can he ever give them the comfort of Hildebrand?

Werder Bremen has to hope Markus Rosenborg can replace Klose. They gave him time last year to learn the system, but Werder faded when Klose had a poor 2nd half last year and they won't have him to carry them like he did early last season. While the addition of Carlos Alberto and return of Diego will help, they need a clinical finisher to stand in front of their creative midfield.

Karlsruhe should escape the drop as they have enough at the back and going forward to keep them up for the year.

Nurnberg should be a much more attacking-minded side this year. Russian Ivan Saenko seems to have overcome his prima donna phase after becoming a regular with the Russian national team and should be turning heads as Marek Mintál returns to provide options going forward for last year's Cup winners.

Final Standing Predictions in the Bundesliga: 1) Bayern 2) Hamburg 3) Schalke 04