Cerny's New Hobby: Suicidal Ideation

Radek Cerny has decided to hang up his boots. The former Czech U21 keeper, who is now the country’s #2 behind Petr Cech, has concluded that he must be the world’s worst goal keeper. The subsequent depression and self-loathing has made him suicidal, on good days. In 2005, he joined Tottenham Hotspur on an 18 month loan spell from Slavia Prague, which was recently extended for a year, and things looked rosy. But his time in London has stripped him of all hope, much like Spurs supporters, and he sees no reason to continue playing. He plans on retiring imminently to follow his new dream of spiraling out of control on booze and drugs until he dies alone and forgotten.

He sits behind Paul Robinson, the England #1, in the pecking order at White Hart Lane. Cerny doesn’t have enough confidence from Martin Jol to warrant time on the pitch, no matter how putrid Robinson’s form or the opposing team is. While it is well-known that Robinson is the worst keeper ever to play at the top level of English football, he is still better than Cerny.

What makes Robinson so bad? Paul Robinson has a clawfoot, which makes coming out impossible, subsequently the team is squalid against crosses and set pieces. If this weren’t enough, Robinson also suffers from a slew of illness/conditions that should omit him from a starting role for any club, let alone a rich one. These conditions include: myopia, which inhibits his ability to see the ball unless it hits him in the face; social anxiety disorder leading to selective mutism, which causes him to be incapable of communicating with his back line; metabolic syndrome that has caused massive obesity and the inability to move; and, congenital radial club hands which make holding a football all but impossible. Yet despite all of these conditions, Radek Cerny’s few turns with the first team were after Robinson grew too large to even crane him out of his window at home. After emergency liposuction, during these incidents, Robinson has immediately been wheeled back into the starting lineup.

“I used to think they feel sorry for Paul,” said Radek when we caught up to him, “now I see that my pathos enable him and staff. It is time to right ship.” He added, “I’m like the guy who is eviler than Satan, but because one can’t imagine evil beyond Satan, that guy is forgotten. I’m him, only replace evil with shitty keeping and Satan with Robbo.” Cerny then took the first sip on his road to blissful alcoholism.