Joachim Low Mumbles Something Positive About Chelsea

German Captain Michael Ballack played in a reserves match on Monday as he continues to improve his fitness after seven months of rehab following multiple surgeries on his ankles. Progression on his fitness is going well, as he plans at least one more reserve match before returning to the first team. This is expected to happen sometime this weekend, after the 5th of 6 games of group play in the Champion's League for the London club.

Joachim Low has called a press conference to publicly apologize for being an ass back in September when he questioned Chelsea's decision to leave the midfielder off their 23 man roster for the group phase. Perhaps he could have called the press conference back in October, which he set out as the return date for Ballack. When Ballack didn't show up for any of the international run-ins for Euro 2008, Low must have figured out that Ballack's club knew a hell of a lot more than he did.

Jesus is the New Joorabchian

Chelsea’s hopes of landing World Player of the Year Kaka took a big hit today, when it was revealed that the Brazilian midfielder is owned by a third party. Unless Milan buy out the infamous South American talent scout Jesus, the F.A. has said it will block any attempts by Roman Abramovich to bring the player to Stamford Bridge.

It's the second blow in as many days for Chelsea, as their other target, Kaka's international teammate Ronaldinho, is said to be owned by the refreshing taste of cold Coors' Light.

Come FM Live, Roman Peronally Invites You to an Ass-Stompin'

Avram Grant needs a month: just one fucking month. If he can last that long without incurring the wrath of bored playboy gangster Roman Abramovich. If he can eek out a few results while playing Roman’s chosen XI through the month of October, he will personally buy the son of a whore Championship Manager 2008 on November 2nd. Football Manager should be out a few weeks later, although nothing is official yet, but Avram would prefer to avoid it, because last year’s cover was highly suggestive of a Jose Mourinho.


However if he lasts as late as March, he’ll be damned if he won’t buy Roman Football Manager Live which will be a MMORPG, which is sure to keep the owner busy for months as he battles dorks, nerds, dweebs, social retards and virgins around the world to prove he can manage his own fucked up squad. In the meantime, he has hired voice actors to make calls to the Russian billionaire under the premise that they are agents for such players as Kaka, Christiano Ronaldo and Totti to keep his the owner too busy to notice how incompetent the Israeli gaffer is.

Team Wanted

Bandwagoners, everywhere, are searching despondently for a new team to support. Following the abrupt departure of Jose Mourinho from Chelsea, fickle emotionless fans from across the globe are frantically trying to decide on a new club to put their half-hearted but loud-mouthed support behind. The list heavily favors the clubs Liverpool, Arsenal, Manchester United, Manchester City and Newcastle, currently.


Clark Frey of Boston was upset about the timing of Mourinho’s departure. “Like fuck man, the season has just begun. How the fuck am I going to choose a new team after six or seven games when the league table can change so much over the next few weeks. I’m sure as shit not going to be faced with dealing with a second place season like last year by picking Liverpool too early.” Frey was so upset that he changed the wallpaper on his cell phone back to Jessica Biel.


Sandra Hogan of Melbourne was even more upset the split between owner Abramovich and “The Special One” had occurred after an Arsenal-Tottenham match. “It would have been part of that. But now, even if I choose the Arsenals, and I’m not saying I will, I won’t even be able to post shit all over my MySpace page about the derby win. It’s depressing,” claimed the salesclerk.


Jae Hong Li, a graduate student at the Sorbonne, reported, “I watched the Chelsea Blues play the Manchester Uniteds in hopes that I wouldn’t have to buy all new paraphernalia, but after the game, I realized that Arsenal was the most awesome team in the world. And my main man Fabregas is the fucking bomb. We are going to skull-fuck the rest of the league this year. And we’ll win the Champion’s League too, unless we come across my boys for Barcelona or Milan. They rock too!“


Pathetic glory-chasing fans are worried about having to learn things again, such as the manager, owner, captain, leading scorer, country, city, badge and cool reference name for potential new teams. John Forsythe in Toronto was keen to choose Villa as he would be able to refer to himself as a Villian, however he is worried that their current eight place position would leave him with absolutely nothing to brag about to fellow fucktards. Meanwhile, Dorian Hilbert of Los Angeles was texting friends frantically to find out who was the John Terry of Manchester United. Blaise Cathros of DeMoises was excited to become a Citeh fan due to the similar color of their “shirts” as his once beloved Chelsea. Unfortunately he was disappointed to find that they were sky blue or “real fag like” as Blaise described them.

The Table Never Lies

1. Chelsea
£85 million on Ronaldinho. “Football Manager” geeks everywhere call it bad business. You can use the editor to get him for free.

2. Manchester City
Kasper Schmeichel opts to represent Denmark, rather than England at the international level after his fantastic start. He didn’t want his hopes of making it to a World Cup final dashed so early.

3. Wigan
Chris Hutchings has made a defense consisting of Titus Bramble and Mario Melchiot, one of the hardest to score on in the Prem. I think we have our next England manager.

4. Liverpool
Jes, they are good. No, Rafa won’t shut the fuck up.

5. Everton
Everyone about to sign Manuel Fernandes, please step forward. Not so fast David Moyes.

6. Arsenal
Sure they want to walk the ball into the back of their own net. You would too if you faced off against Jens Lehmann during training everyday.

7. Newcastle
Allardyce feels the need to replace Stephen Carr and Peter Ramage after being the newest victims to the ever present injury bug on Tyneside. Fans felt the need to replace them long ago.

8. Portsmouth
How good is David Nugent? His sell-on date is shorter than my milk’s.

9. Blackburn
If they hold onto Gamst this week, they may well be the team to break up the top four. And Christopher Samba cost all of £400,000.

10. Manchester United
It’s not the injuries or the chemistry that is holding the holders back. The trick is to play like a Sunday league pub side.

11. Aston Villa
Villa was so impressed by Zak Knight’s contributions that they are willing to pay £4 million for the striker.

12. Birmingham City
Steve Bruce has come out in protest of a schedule that sees him face Derby only twice this season.

13. Middlesbrough
Racist chants directed at Mido? Egyptian is a nationality and not a race. The F.A. can breathe a sigh of relief.

14. West Ham
Welcome to the Newcastle of the South.

15. Reading
Manager Steve Coppell believes international friendlies should be scrapped. His squad disagrees, since they enjoy watching the games just like the rest of us.

16. Sunderland
Paul McShane, the one week wonder of fantasy football, has been picked up and dropped more than Brittany’s babies.

17. Tottenham
Was that a left hand cross from a left footed player? Where does the Prince of Darkness shop for coats? Maybe he and his wags are hitting the Trafford Centre.

18. Bolton
You have to say this for Nicolas Anelka. He sure knows how to sell himself.

19. Fulham
Let’s play spot the pattern. Fulham has four Yanks on the squad. Derby has three.

20. Derby
Desperate to sign a striker, which will leave them with only 10 other positions to fill.

100% of Ukranians Polled Think Ukranians Do Not Suck

Liverpool's new forward Andriy Voronin has become the first person in England to show faith in Ukrainian legend Andriy Shevchenko. Voronin has ridiculed reports that his bat-shit insane faith stem from Shevchenko's almost Christ-like standing in the former Soviet republic or their current partnership upfront with the national side. Speaking with the Daily Express, he said Sheva "didn't perform as well as he was expected to last season, but he played in Italian football for seven seasons with AC Milan". He then added "maybe in six more he will prove his worth at Chelsea."

Like many he feels that Sheva's off the ball movement contributed to the eight extra goals in eight extra games scored by his front-line partner Didier Drogba. Drogba has confirmed this analysis by stating "yes, his movement taught me what not to do and how not to not score goals."

Voronin heaped additional praise upon Roman Abromovich's man crush when he said he remains one of the great strikers in Europe". However it was later learned that a translation error had occurred and rather than using the Ukrainian word for Europe, he had actually used the word meaning "his own house".

Many believe that Voronin is merely applying the same gamesmanship seen by Premiership managers Benitez, Ferguson, Wenger and Mourinho to the newly formed competition between himself and the ex-Milan hitman as they veer headlong into a confrontation with Serhiy Rebrov as the worst export ever. Voronin has a distinct advantage over his fellow countryman, as their combined English value equals £42 million; whereas, his transfer from Bayer Leverkusen can almost be viewed as a bargain at £0.

Earlier this year, Tottenham Hotspur tried to expunge the ghost of their overpriced flop by making Darren Bent their most expensive signing ever, officially erasing Rebrov's last hold on the North London club as a painful trivia answer. Expect Chelsea and Liverpool fans to curse the Black Sea nation as viciously as Spurs supporters in the upcoming season.