Thank God For Photoshop

Brilliance from The Guardian

Kicking Em While They Are Down

Some Arsenal fan created the following and posted it on YouTube. As a Spurs supporter, I must say that that I nearly hyperventilated watching this, it's so funny. Whoever did this is a genius.

Arsenal Must Be Playing At Home

Now that Arsenal’s terrific run of form is over, losing in the Champions League group phase by a score of 3-1 to Seville, which ended a 28 game unbeaten streak, the Gunners can get back to what they do best: accumulating red cards.

Whereas Wenger’s tenure in North London had seen his squads earning reds at a rate of seven a year going into spring, their record has been pathetic lately. On February 25^th last year, Wenger chalked up red cards number 67 and 68 in the Carling Cup loss to Chelsea. This was period of turmoil at Ashburton Grove as the Gunners were eliminated from the EPL title race, Carling Cup, F.A. Cup and Champions League in 10 days. And with nothing to play for, the team fell into complacency and was unable to put in the challenges, fights or arguments that could lead to more red cards. A second half slump that saw no red during the final 3 months of the season led to speculation that Arsene Wenger was ready to leave the Emirates and seek to bring pain and shame to the Spanish capital.

This season has seen an upturn in form on the pitch, but the rate of suspensions has still disappointed the fans, board and mostly the gaffer. The only high point during this anguishing campaign was Philippe Senderos’ second half dismissal against Portsmouth.

But now that their unbeaten streak has ended, it is expected that the club will turn moody and sour, which should see them once again earning coveted reds. The first sign of this nastiness came with Wenger’s touchline ban for his antics against Seville. Claiming that Daniel Alves was diving, it was obvious that the Seville wingback’s writhing had upset Wenger. “That is our trick. How dare he feign injury for benefit,” scathed the man who once got into an argument with Martin Jol because Spurs scored when one of his players fell like a sniper victim off the ball.

Wenger is excited about the upcoming congestion in English football, where he can finally get his hotly anticipated 70^th red card. And who knows, maybe even more.

Arsene Reads "Which Witch is Which"

Arsene Wenger has compared the way clubs fire their managers to the practice of burning witches at the stake. And the Arsenal gaffer has vehemently come out against the horrible genocide taking place against these Premier League managers. While many try to avoid the uncomfortable subject, in hopes that it will go away, the Frenchman has gone on record against the holocaust that is taking place in England as managers are being dismissed with hefty severance packages and given positions of punditry. Rightly comparing this evil practice with the witch hunts that killed upwards of 60,000 women during the Reformation, Wenger has lashed out at the powers that be for allowing six managers to be fired from their cushy million pound jobs. He hopes that by speaking out now more managers won’t be murdered and raped over religious ignorance.

Make no mistake about it: managers are suffering a sex based pogrom, based on a holy war between two sides arguing over indulgences. Following Billy Davies dismissal from Derby County, he was subsequently set atop a pile of wood and set afire, screaming the entire time for mercy until he was dead. While the press has kept quiet on the subject, Little Sammy Lee was drowned in cereal bowl while inquisitors tested to see if he was tactically astute by seeing if he could float. Martin Jol, who has been linked to all kind of jobs, hasn’t taken any precisely because he was sent to the gallows. Nobody wants a fat headless man leading their squad.

All of this has Rafa Benitez mightily worried as his many layers of fat will make drowning an impossibility that may lead to him being pressed to death. Or getting a cushy job in Munich. Only time will tell. But rest assured that no matter Rafa’s fate, Arsene Wenger will be working diligently to ensure the next generation of Premier League managers are not subject to a “final solution”.

Team Wanted

Bandwagoners, everywhere, are searching despondently for a new team to support. Following the abrupt departure of Jose Mourinho from Chelsea, fickle emotionless fans from across the globe are frantically trying to decide on a new club to put their half-hearted but loud-mouthed support behind. The list heavily favors the clubs Liverpool, Arsenal, Manchester United, Manchester City and Newcastle, currently.


Clark Frey of Boston was upset about the timing of Mourinho’s departure. “Like fuck man, the season has just begun. How the fuck am I going to choose a new team after six or seven games when the league table can change so much over the next few weeks. I’m sure as shit not going to be faced with dealing with a second place season like last year by picking Liverpool too early.” Frey was so upset that he changed the wallpaper on his cell phone back to Jessica Biel.


Sandra Hogan of Melbourne was even more upset the split between owner Abramovich and “The Special One” had occurred after an Arsenal-Tottenham match. “It would have been part of that. But now, even if I choose the Arsenals, and I’m not saying I will, I won’t even be able to post shit all over my MySpace page about the derby win. It’s depressing,” claimed the salesclerk.


Jae Hong Li, a graduate student at the Sorbonne, reported, “I watched the Chelsea Blues play the Manchester Uniteds in hopes that I wouldn’t have to buy all new paraphernalia, but after the game, I realized that Arsenal was the most awesome team in the world. And my main man Fabregas is the fucking bomb. We are going to skull-fuck the rest of the league this year. And we’ll win the Champion’s League too, unless we come across my boys for Barcelona or Milan. They rock too!“


Pathetic glory-chasing fans are worried about having to learn things again, such as the manager, owner, captain, leading scorer, country, city, badge and cool reference name for potential new teams. John Forsythe in Toronto was keen to choose Villa as he would be able to refer to himself as a Villian, however he is worried that their current eight place position would leave him with absolutely nothing to brag about to fellow fucktards. Meanwhile, Dorian Hilbert of Los Angeles was texting friends frantically to find out who was the John Terry of Manchester United. Blaise Cathros of DeMoises was excited to become a Citeh fan due to the similar color of their “shirts” as his once beloved Chelsea. Unfortunately he was disappointed to find that they were sky blue or “real fag like” as Blaise described them.

The Silly Season (7/29)

Bolton have secured a season long loan for Swedish winger Christian Wilhelmsson. Part of the deal includes Wilhelmsson regrowing his infamous rattail, which manager Sammy Lee sees as the Rapunzellian key to being heard by his squad.

Robbie Fowler has left Liverpool for Cardiff City. If you see a lost Scouser in County Clwyd, you have been asked to call Steve McManaman as he took off on their prized steed, Soon 2B Glue.

West Brom have sold Paul McShane to Sunderland in £1.5 million deal. Earlier in the week Curtis Davies had given up the captaincy at the northwest club. This latest transfer is seen as an attempt by West Brom to keep him as skipper by selling all of their other players.

Freddie Ljungberg has left Arsenal for the short trip east to Upton Park. The Swedish captain has seen phenomenal success since joining the North London club from Halmstads in 1998; including two Premiership titles, and undefeated season, 3 F.A. Cups, a Charity Shield and the final of the Champion’s League. Freddy has set his sights on a new challenge, one that he has never experienced: a relegation dogfight.

Luke Young’s secret desire to leave Charlton Athletic came true this week when his former club agreed to a fee of £2.5 million with Middlesbrough. Upon being introduced by the club to the fans, Young did what Luke Young does best and handed in his transfer request.

Blackburn has landed Paraguayan international Roche Santa Cruz in a deal believed to be in the region of £3.4million. Santa Cruz was mistakenly delivered to a local Rugby club for his first practice, where he was subjected to hair-pulling, eye-gouging, hand-bagging and a finger up his ass. When asked about the mix-up, Santa Cruz lamented “I wondered why Mark Hughes would have such an easy practice.”