The Table Never Lies (10/9)

1. Arsenal
Pundits universally espouse their own genius in not writing off Arsenal in the off-season. Somewhere there is that one guy who wrote 50,000 articles this summer being discredited for such ridiculousness.

2. Manchester United
Six clean sheets. What’s more amazing is that they have done this with shit defenders. Impressive!

3. Manchester City
Micah Richards wants to play for Arsenal. Not to worry Citeh fans, he’s English.

4. Liverpool
The first signs of a sinking ship? Ayesteran leaves. The rotation policy angers fans and players. Now Riise is so desperate to leave he is considering Villa. Ouch.

5. Portsmouth
You’re damn right Benjani has a point to make.

6. Blackburn
Rovers fans cry as the truth hits home: There is no Santa!

7. Chelsea
A Russian mobster and a perverted porn mogul winger have taught us all one thing: First you gets de money, den you gets de bitches.

8. Aston Villa
Martin, Martin! Did you see Senderos’ bumbling lumbering goal? He could be your next forward.

9. Newcastle
Michael Owen will go to any length to preserve his England spot. Expect him return from the international break with a break.

10. Everton
Shay Given is now as a prolific scorer as Yakubu for the Toffies.

11. West Ham
Could Dean Ashton be any more perfect as the replacement for Michael Owen? He’s perpetually injured.

12. Reading
Coppell admits he may have made a mistake by not bolstering his squad in the off-season. Coppell also admits that water is wet.

13. Birmingham
Steve Bruce expects the axe from Carson Yeung, Having been bored to death by his squad, like the rest of us, he has begged the Hong Kong businessman to do it sooner rather than later.

14. Wigan
The F.A. is so sick of the big teams bullying the referees that they made Wigan pay.

15. Middlesbrough
Going down faster than low-self esteem girl at a frat party.

16. Sunderland
Jones, Bale and Walcott. How did Southampton avoid promotion?

17. Tottenham
It looks like if they are willing to get rid of Comolli, they could get the legendary Klinsmann. Does anyone doubt they will make the wrong choice here?

18. Fulham
They will be lucky to Bairdly escape the drop.

19. Bolton
Sammy Lee is still employed and, at this point, completely baffled. He went so far as to drop player/coach Gary Speed and Big Sam’s captain Kevin Nolan. But still, he can’t get the vacation he so desperately wants.

20. Derby
Steve Coppell says, “Good for what ails ya!”