Quique'd Out of the Mastella

Valencia fans relish the prospect of Jose Mourinho taking over their club and being subsequently dismissed. “It took Chelsea a little over two years to run him out of town. We can run that motherfucker out of town in half the time with our mouths taped,” said long time socio Victor Nadal.

The rumor mill is heavily linking the Special One with the job at the Mastella after Quique Sanchez Flores was fired at 4 AM CET by sporting director Miguel Angel Ruiz after two embarrassing defeats to the Norwegian side Rosenborg and the Andalucían club Sevilla. Although Los Che sit fourth in the La Liga table, it was not enough to save the job of Quique who becomes the third casualty in four years, despite two top four finishes. Ruiz has stated that he wants a big manager as a replacement because “I want to make my mark on this club by firing a famous manager, not some schlub.”

Sanchez Flores, who won an internal political battle this summer with the previous sporting director, seemed to have time on his side after seeing off Amedeo Carboni. However a sterling start to the season was not enough for the ambitious club, who desperately want a return to their glory days, which is rather hard to pinpoint, seeing as one of Spain’s richest clubs have only won the league six times.

Mostly it comes down to the Valencia fans, which have never turned on a manager in the history of the club. When they uncharacteristically started booing Quique, management knew it was time to see off the manager they had put their wholehearted faith in this past summer. Quique, for his part, blames the lack of funds afforded him as he was unable to attract his most coveted targets Wesley Sneijder and Rafael Van der Vaart. The two Dutchmen would have helped his stagnant offense, but they were both steadfast in their refusal to move to the club.

Meanwhile, Bernd Schuster has asked for Wednesday’s game between Real Madrid and the team he calls “der Tod des Trainers” to be moved. Schuster, who spends most of his time perusing conspiracy theory chat rooms, is worried that because Valencia and its last two opponents have all seen coaching changes within the past 7 days, he has something to be worried about. Considering Real’s current position in the table, he may have reason to be concerned.

Ramos Given Three Weeks

After losing 3-0 to arch-rival Arsenal, Tottenham’s next manager Juande Ramos has been given three weeks to hold onto his potential job. Feelings in the boardroom at White Hart Lane are that Ramos will not be the man to lead them into the top four, even though his stellar record in both Spain and Europe, along with his current first place position in La Liga, speak volumes about his success.

Levy called Ramos into a private meeting at the posh Grosvenor House in London, after the poor showing by the Andalucía side, where he offered the Spanish manager a dizzying contract for next year and told him that he would be fired unless he could turn things around at Seville by the next International break.

When asked about the board, Ramos claimed that there were no issues between him and Daniel Levy. He affirmed that contrary to published reports that he will still be the answer to Spurs problems in two weeks time. “I have the support of my players, who desperately want me to leave Seville,” claimed Ramos.

Meanwhile Paul Kemsley was seen in Italy meeting with Marcello Lippi to discuss his future severance package with the North London side. The undermined Ramos has shown dignity at the news, but sources close the manager state that he is furious with his treatment by Levy and Damien Comolli, but will refuse to step down as he awaits the lucrative buy-out of his soon-to-be-signed contract with Tottenham.

Ramón Calderón Will Never Fire Me Claims Schuster

Bernd Schuster has moved to strengthen his position at Real Madrid with his transfer dealings this summer. Well aware of Ramón Calderón’s policy of firing successful managers, Schuster is not going to rely solely on his tactical naiveté to ensure a mediocre season at the Bernabeu. He has also employed the deft policy of bringing in only really shitty players.

Although he has used the full power of Real Madrid’s brand name to tap up half of the players in Europe using the press, as Real Madrid are notoriously famous for doing, almost none of the eight million players on his wish list have agreed to join the Spanish giants. Schuster has made a lot of noise, but has successfully engaged in back-room dealings to ensure that such good players as Chivu, Pato, Kaka, Fabregas and Ballack never joined.

Meanwhile he has brought in Liverpool goalkeeper Jerzy Dudek and Dormund defender Cristoph Metzelder on frees to ensure disharmony in the training room and warmth on his bench. As for real dealings, he has wasted €54 million of his transfer kitty on an additional two signings for his bench. The first was the new Abel Xavier, Pepé from Porto, while the second has just joined. He is Roysten Drenthe from Feyeenord.

Drenthe, whose average performance at a sub par European U21 Championship, has had managers, who have universally labeled scouting as “so last year”, salivating all over Europe. None more so than Feyenoord manager Bert van Marwijk, who has been keen to release the underachiever, whom he called giftedly sucktacular, from last year’s 7th place team in the Eredivisie. Drenthe was so prized at Feyenoord that they signed Belgian international Philippe Léonard to replace him, 2 years ago.

Van Marwijk was thrilled when his player was shown to be the least un-talented player at the U21 tournament and was thrilled to make a whopping €14 million on the young ungifted Dutchman. “They said how much and I replied 14. Only later did I realize that they were talking in the millions while I was talking in the hundreds. We will use the money to buy a vacuum to clean up all the hair he left around,” reported the manager.

Bernd looks to further his plans to be the longest reigning manager at Real Madrid, which he will celebrate in less than a year, by bringing in a player who will spend most of his time occupying the physios. Arjen Robben is his current target, and there will be no clandestine dealings, because this is the guy that could waste the rest of his kitty and never play. “I do this for Alfredo di Stefano, who has personally told me that he is tired of driving through the congested traffic of the capital city to introduce a new manager every week. I have promised him an 18 months vacation.” sang a hopeful Schuster who then turned his attention to Joe Cole who has seen his fair share of injuries.