Recipe: Scouse Pie

Servings:
45,000+

Level of difficulty:
Hard in groups, soft one-on-one

Ingredients
1. Latent suppressed homosexuality
2. X-file level paranoia
3. Excessive binge drinking (can be replaced with drug addiction if alcohol not available)
4. A hint of wife-beating
5 A pinch of "Burden on Society"
6. Deluded sense of importance (should be sprinkled on copiously)
7. Lack of knowledge about anything (especially football)
8. Excessive history of violence
9. Belief that said history of violence is made up by the press, much like the Klan believes the Jewish media made up the holocaust.
10. Unintelligible accent
11. Hard on for communism
12. Body ink
13. Stolen hubcap
14. Unparalleled Xenophobia
15. Wine. Lots and lots of whine
16. Spanish Paprika
17. Short-crust pastry for the pie

Prep:
Season a dilapidated area of drug users and unemployed commie hate-mongers with a 10 year run of excellence in both violence and football with lots and lots of alcohol. Simmer. Tell the mix that its team is having problems on and off the field. Wait for the paranoia to bubble to the surface. Skim off the resulting death threat. Use stolen hubcap to spoon in a fluke night in Istanbul until roux believes itself to be significant in any way. Sing to it a stolen Manchester United hymn and wait for a gang of sodomites to find a group of women and children to harm. Sprinkle in excuses of how it was everybody else’s fault for the resulting mayhem to taste. Feel free to rotate ingredients as you see fit.

Spoon into pastry and wait for the calls to 606.

Cost:
Don't skimp on the recipe (spend small African nation GDP on it) but utilize dime-store ingredients

You’ve Been Approved

Scousers are a paranoid lot. They always believe that someone is out to get them. They are the Muslims of the football world, where any comment made about Liverpool that isn’t glorious in its praise is an attack on their faith. And you can be damned well sure that any comments made will have them issuing their version of a fatwa: which is calling the 606 and whining about the injustice to their fellow X-filers, Spoony and Alan Greene.

But as the saying goes, just because you’re paranoid, doesn’t mean that someone isn’t out to get you. In the case of Liverpudlians, in another odd coincidence resembling the Mohammedians, the Great Satan is conspiring against them. But here’s where the resemblance ends, because it isn’t the government of the United States that is going after LFC, it’s the citizens.

American spending habits are completely ridiculous and cutoff from the world. While dirty foreigners like to save money, which is about as communist as Lennon’s tomb, American values are all about instant gratification. We are in fact the epitome of Veruka Salt. And our penchant for filling our garages with cheap worthless junk, rather than with say cars, has caused the so-called “Credit Crunch” that is affecting world markets on two fronts. First we are a debtor nation, with most households owing ungodly amounts to Visa as they attempt to pay off $20,000 in DVD’s and trinkets by paying $20 a month. Second, we need bigger houses to store all that unnecessary crap, which has led to a boom in the real estate market. But Americans couldn’t afford the houses they were buying, because of their credit card debt, so banks made un-regulated and un-repayable loans to Jimmy and Jane Trailer Trash, which led to the sub-prime scandal.

How does the effect Liverpool Football Club? Because owners Tom Hicks and George Gillett (himself the proud owner of a bankruptcy claim) can’t borrow any more money. They are broke. And so are the banks. And having leveraged the club to the hilt, they are now unable to even secure loans for the stadium they don’t need but desperately want. England has met the typical suburban white family from America in the guise of two poor (sic) entrepreneurs: they borrow to buy trinkets such as Ryan Babel and they demand a house they can’t afford.

And so Liverpool goes into the New Year without the ability to buy anyone to shore up their faltering League campaign and aid in their monumental task of beating Intermilan. And their failings will further complicate the financial situation. If they weren’t wanted by some Islamofascists from Dubai, the club would be on the verge of a Leeds.

So America, thank you. You’re reckless spending has ruined this once mighty club, even if they don’t realize it yet. And finally we can count on a new team in the big four. And isn’t it grand that the team that just may well benefit from their collapse, to join the elite, is Everton.

Gerrard: Segway 2.0

The press has played Rafa Benitez like a guitarra rítmica. It has been opined quite openly by the notoriously grounded English press that the god like figure of Steven Gerrard has had an uncharacteristic poor run of form recently. The fact that it has coincided with the absence of Xabi Alonso is purely coincidental. As Gerrard’s contribution has fallen, calls for Rafa’s rotation policy to affect the man, many think cast Lucifer from heaven, have increased within the media and even with fans.

So this weekend, when Steven Gerrard was once again having a poor game, this time against Merseyside rival Everton, Rafael Benitez bit and subbed off the captain. It was a smart move as Rafa was reacting to the Mikel Arteta’s domination of the right side of Liverpool’s midfield by bringing on freshly awoken Ryan Babel to stretch Everton’s commitment on the left. With Gerrard’s tendency to ignore defending, Rafa’s choice to bring on Leiva Lucas, who would fill the holes when Riise and Babel went forward was a sound tactic. However, Rafa forgot that Gerrard created the world in six days, and has been basically been resting since. Well at least since the brilliant 15 minute spell in Istanbul. He occasionally falls over in the box or kicks Andorra’s ass, but he’s more over-hyped than the Segway. To be fair, the Segway won’t fall over in a breeze.

Rafa allowed himself to be bullied into the move by the press, so they would have a controversy to write about. By spouting the truth about Gerrard’s form, finally, they made it seem like Rafa would suffer no backlash if he sat Stevie G. Once he did, the typewriters began in earnest as hundreds of lard-asses around Britain creamed their collective panties. The press for their part are absolutely delighted at having pulled off this coup. As Peter Ashely of the Independent said, “Its like when you get you’re girlfriend to consent to a three-way. You’re actually more excited about closing the deal than the act. We totally made Rafa go down on the hot girl from work.”

Stories now abound about Rafa’s decision, his relationship with the erstwhile Captain and his tenure. It’s a big coup for the press, which has suffered the embarrassment of Jol’s continued employment in the N17.

You'll Never Walk Alone, Unless You're Handed a P45

Last year when Arsenal’s youth side destroyed Liverpool 6-3 in the Carling Cup, Rafa Benitez swore he would never be embarrassed in the 5^th most important competition in England ever again.

So he went out and spent £27 million on El Niño Fernando Torres to give his team some bite up front. While some fans complained about the superstar’s omission from the side recently, the 400-pound Gaffer kept to his guns, resting his striker in Mickey Mouse competitions such as the English Premier League and Champions League, so that he would be fit and ready for Tuesday’s showdown with Reading, a team once referred to as the Crystal Palace of Reading.

The Spanish international delivered the goods, scoring a hat-trick against the struggling second-season team’s B-side, which many pundits were surprised they had. What made the performance all the more impressive was the selection of dregs Rafa the Hut played along side Torres. With Benayoun, Leto, Lucas and Crouch providing the service, Reading’s reserves could concentrate solely on the one person of skill on the pitch. Yet the Madrid magician shouldered the team’s hopes and dreams of raising the Carling Cup in March and carried them to the next round.

His three superb goals have reinforced Benitez, who now claims that Torres will start one game a week. And you can bet your paycheck on the game being in the Carling Cup. If Liverpool can increase their record 7 cup tally to a starling 8, the £2,000,000 prize would go a long way to erasing the debt of Torres’ record signing and the prestige would easily win over the Scouser faithful.

Team Wanted

Bandwagoners, everywhere, are searching despondently for a new team to support. Following the abrupt departure of Jose Mourinho from Chelsea, fickle emotionless fans from across the globe are frantically trying to decide on a new club to put their half-hearted but loud-mouthed support behind. The list heavily favors the clubs Liverpool, Arsenal, Manchester United, Manchester City and Newcastle, currently.


Clark Frey of Boston was upset about the timing of Mourinho’s departure. “Like fuck man, the season has just begun. How the fuck am I going to choose a new team after six or seven games when the league table can change so much over the next few weeks. I’m sure as shit not going to be faced with dealing with a second place season like last year by picking Liverpool too early.” Frey was so upset that he changed the wallpaper on his cell phone back to Jessica Biel.


Sandra Hogan of Melbourne was even more upset the split between owner Abramovich and “The Special One” had occurred after an Arsenal-Tottenham match. “It would have been part of that. But now, even if I choose the Arsenals, and I’m not saying I will, I won’t even be able to post shit all over my MySpace page about the derby win. It’s depressing,” claimed the salesclerk.


Jae Hong Li, a graduate student at the Sorbonne, reported, “I watched the Chelsea Blues play the Manchester Uniteds in hopes that I wouldn’t have to buy all new paraphernalia, but after the game, I realized that Arsenal was the most awesome team in the world. And my main man Fabregas is the fucking bomb. We are going to skull-fuck the rest of the league this year. And we’ll win the Champion’s League too, unless we come across my boys for Barcelona or Milan. They rock too!“


Pathetic glory-chasing fans are worried about having to learn things again, such as the manager, owner, captain, leading scorer, country, city, badge and cool reference name for potential new teams. John Forsythe in Toronto was keen to choose Villa as he would be able to refer to himself as a Villian, however he is worried that their current eight place position would leave him with absolutely nothing to brag about to fellow fucktards. Meanwhile, Dorian Hilbert of Los Angeles was texting friends frantically to find out who was the John Terry of Manchester United. Blaise Cathros of DeMoises was excited to become a Citeh fan due to the similar color of their “shirts” as his once beloved Chelsea. Unfortunately he was disappointed to find that they were sky blue or “real fag like” as Blaise described them.

100% of Ukranians Polled Think Ukranians Do Not Suck

Liverpool's new forward Andriy Voronin has become the first person in England to show faith in Ukrainian legend Andriy Shevchenko. Voronin has ridiculed reports that his bat-shit insane faith stem from Shevchenko's almost Christ-like standing in the former Soviet republic or their current partnership upfront with the national side. Speaking with the Daily Express, he said Sheva "didn't perform as well as he was expected to last season, but he played in Italian football for seven seasons with AC Milan". He then added "maybe in six more he will prove his worth at Chelsea."

Like many he feels that Sheva's off the ball movement contributed to the eight extra goals in eight extra games scored by his front-line partner Didier Drogba. Drogba has confirmed this analysis by stating "yes, his movement taught me what not to do and how not to not score goals."

Voronin heaped additional praise upon Roman Abromovich's man crush when he said he remains one of the great strikers in Europe". However it was later learned that a translation error had occurred and rather than using the Ukrainian word for Europe, he had actually used the word meaning "his own house".

Many believe that Voronin is merely applying the same gamesmanship seen by Premiership managers Benitez, Ferguson, Wenger and Mourinho to the newly formed competition between himself and the ex-Milan hitman as they veer headlong into a confrontation with Serhiy Rebrov as the worst export ever. Voronin has a distinct advantage over his fellow countryman, as their combined English value equals £42 million; whereas, his transfer from Bayer Leverkusen can almost be viewed as a bargain at £0.

Earlier this year, Tottenham Hotspur tried to expunge the ghost of their overpriced flop by making Darren Bent their most expensive signing ever, officially erasing Rebrov's last hold on the North London club as a painful trivia answer. Expect Chelsea and Liverpool fans to curse the Black Sea nation as viciously as Spurs supporters in the upcoming season.

The Silly Season (7/29)

Bolton have secured a season long loan for Swedish winger Christian Wilhelmsson. Part of the deal includes Wilhelmsson regrowing his infamous rattail, which manager Sammy Lee sees as the Rapunzellian key to being heard by his squad.

Robbie Fowler has left Liverpool for Cardiff City. If you see a lost Scouser in County Clwyd, you have been asked to call Steve McManaman as he took off on their prized steed, Soon 2B Glue.

West Brom have sold Paul McShane to Sunderland in £1.5 million deal. Earlier in the week Curtis Davies had given up the captaincy at the northwest club. This latest transfer is seen as an attempt by West Brom to keep him as skipper by selling all of their other players.

Freddie Ljungberg has left Arsenal for the short trip east to Upton Park. The Swedish captain has seen phenomenal success since joining the North London club from Halmstads in 1998; including two Premiership titles, and undefeated season, 3 F.A. Cups, a Charity Shield and the final of the Champion’s League. Freddy has set his sights on a new challenge, one that he has never experienced: a relegation dogfight.

Luke Young’s secret desire to leave Charlton Athletic came true this week when his former club agreed to a fee of £2.5 million with Middlesbrough. Upon being introduced by the club to the fans, Young did what Luke Young does best and handed in his transfer request.

Blackburn has landed Paraguayan international Roche Santa Cruz in a deal believed to be in the region of £3.4million. Santa Cruz was mistakenly delivered to a local Rugby club for his first practice, where he was subjected to hair-pulling, eye-gouging, hand-bagging and a finger up his ass. When asked about the mix-up, Santa Cruz lamented “I wondered why Mark Hughes would have such an easy practice.”

Rafa Benitez in Double-Digit Diabetes Scare

Rafa the Hut has been told by Liverpool physios that he is three chorizos away from a full frontal ass. The Spanish manager has recently been spotted sporting a snazzy new goatee in order to deflect attention from his fat upper pussy/penile area or FUPA. If the FUPA turns into an actual frontal ass, Rafa, who has been reduced to washing himself with a rag on a stick, has been advised to take a more “Captain Caveman” approach to his facial hair.

British authorities are becoming concerned with the ever expanding waistline of the Scousers’ Gaffer, whose gravitational force has slowly begun to close the Irish Sea. Having been granted his own postal code of L4 FAT by the Royal Mail in hopes of averting a geo-political crisis, a discussion is now underway in Parliament arguing whether Benitez should be granted his own nation-state status. The move is not without precedence, as Andorra was formed when Price Juan Ramon Fatty McFat Fat was stranded in the Pyrenees.

Why Scousers Shouldn't Be Given Money

Proving the old adage that a fool and his money are soon parted, Liverpool have splashed £11.5 million on Ajax's Ryan Babel. This is the third in a string of brilliant signings based on Football Manager 2007 and the results of fairly poor U21 Euro. The Dutch, champions for two on the trot, have already sent Maceo Righters, who scored more in the tournament of two weeks than for the mighty NAC Breda all season, to Blackburn and Daniel de Ridder, who ran wild against Serbia and ran Celta Vigo right to the Segunda, to Birmingham. Expect Tottenham or Chelsea to foolishly bid on Roysten Drenthe, a man who was replaced in his natural position at Feyenoord last campaign, soon.

This is approximately £2 million for each of Babel's 5 goals last season in 27 appearances. Without the brilliant Wesley Sneijder to supply him, we can expect his strike total to implode for a team where creativity is considered an antiquated frivolity. Most speculate that Babel will take the helm of left mid in hopes of widening the team's world famous 6 meters of midfield. However, considering that Rafa the Hut made his assessment based on the aforementioned tournament, he forgot to note that Babel spent more time in the center than John Kerry during his presidential bid. Expect similar results.