We Need More Binge Drinkers!

Tottenham supporters are getting a cold dose of reality this transfer window. With the appointment of Juande Ramos as manager of the club, it was expected that the club would be molded in a similar fashion as clubs he has molded in the past: speedy, fit and technical with a little Latin flair.

Since Daniel Levy took of the chairmanship of the club, there has long been a policy of buy English first and ask questions later. Frank Arnesen left the club when he was informed that his scouting of the continent was strictly forbidden. Needing a Director of Football like all English clubs, Damien Comolli was then hired to steward the club, but was able to negotiate the right to view tapes from French Ligue 1 on the condition that he make ridiculous bids between overpaying for crappy British players.

This has led to the current situation where Tottenham are, as Derby County Chairman Adam Pearson stated, his club’s only rival for ineptitude. With the opening of the January window, which was the first with Juande Ramos at the helm, it was felt that players would be brought in to slowly adapt to his tactical system. Links to Spanish, Italian, Argentine, Brazilian and Portuguese players have been shown to be the imagination of the deluded and deranged.

Instead, Spurs signed a Welsh winger that nobody else was interested in. They also ignored Alan Hutton’s multiple rejections, to bid on the defenseless defender from Scotland, over and over. Meanwhile Comolli’s quota signing is Arsenal’s Lassana “not good enough for the B team” Diarra, who was last seen playing on some 12 year-old kid’s Football Manager game because he couldn’t sell him to Dag and Red.

And news is abound today that the pathetic North London club are about to finally get Englishman Stewart Downing after failing for the past three years for a whopping £12 million. Neither speedy, nor fit, nor technical, it seems that the list of things that one can count on need not be limited to taxes and death. Spurs splashing insane cash on mediocre binge drinking melanoma candidates should now rank just ahead of death (as science hopes to cure this one) but below Newcastle fans thinking their club is “big”.

The needs at centerhalf and in central midfield will have to wait until Comolli can finish his tour of the Conference North, where teams hope for a sighting of Daniel Levy even more than an away draw at Old Trafford in the F.A. Cup.

Koreans Fear Black Stompy

Moustapha Salifou is set to obtain his work permit. He has been labeled the “Togolese Zidane”, but not necessarily for his playing style. Last month, while awaiting the work permit to be finalized after being signed in the 11^th hour of the transfer window, he traveled to Italy. There he went to Marco Materazzi’s home and head-butter that fucking punk right in his chest. It was a preemptive strike by the ex-stalwart of both the 2^nd divisions of France and German. “He will not speak in such ways of my sister,” Moustapha proclaimed proudly. Oddly, he has only brothers. Koreans everywhere are petitioning FIFA, to preemptively suspend the man they call “black stompy”.

^{Salifou facing off with Ludovic Magnin, the "Swiss Zidane", named so due to his lack of hair.}

Fellow countryman Emmanuel Adebayor, who himself is considered the Togolese Henry for his pouting and posturing and his desperation to leave the Emirates, has tipped Salifou to make a massive impact at Villa Park. He said in an interview:

'He's a very good player with a lot of quality I can see the Zidane comparison because he can keep the ball, he can dribble, he can do anything he wants with the ball. He's not that fast but he's an amazing footballer. When I heard he'd signed for Aston Villa, I was very happy for him and I hope he'll play soon and show the English public what good players Africa, and Togo particularly, can produce. I can't wait to see him playing in England and I don't think it'll be long he should be around the team soon and I wish him all the best.'

The 24 year old joined Villa for a nominal fee, after tearing up the mighty second division of Swiss football while at FC Wil. He performed well in last year’s World Cup, which got him noticed by approximately one club. The attacking midfielder will be slowly employed by Martin O’Neill, and may even find himself playing right back, to get accustomed to the league. The feeling is that if he works out, he will be a revelation for the little that was paid. How this differs from any other non-European player who is bought by a Premier League team has yet to be determined.

In other news Eric Djemba-Djemba has called the major papers in England, in addition to the Sun, to ask that Salifou not be labeled the “Togolese Djemba-Djemba”, when he turns out to be shittier than shit.

David Moyes Would Stab a Sheffield Baby For Kicks

With one month left in the transfer window, let’s take a look at how each team has approached and fared in this summer’s silly-season.

Arsenal
Arsenal signed Croatia’s most lethal striker, Eduardo da Silva, which for the longest time would have been a statement to strike fear throughout the Balkans. In addition Arsene Wenger completed the signing of Auxerre right-back Bacary Sagna. The Frenchman will compete with Emmanuel Eboué to perform the Herculean effort of making Justin Hoyte look like the only capable Englishman that Arsene Wenger has ever signed.

Aston Villa
Aston Villa's second major signing of the summer, should eventually follow their first major signing. Until then Villa fans must somehow muster the cognitive dissonance required to imagine two West Ham castoffs will help their squad stave off a relegation battle.

Birmingham City
Steve Bruce has procured the services of many of Arsenal’s young guns such as Fabrice Muamba and Sebastian Larrson in their run up to runner-up in the Championship. How Birmingham had captured some of these kids from Arsenal was a mystery that only revealed itself this past month. Part of the deal must have included annoying the living crap out of Tottenham. Steve Bruce proved to be up to the challenge by buying both Mido and Hassam Ghaly from Martin Jol only to ship them back after the Champaign had been opened.

Blackburn
Blackburn has done little aside from landing Paraguayan international Roche Santa Cruz. The club driver was so rusty due to Mark Hughes’ immobility in the transfer market that he mistakenly delivered Santa Cruz to a local Rugby club for his first practice. There he was subjected to hair-pulling, eye-gouging, hand-bagging and a finger in the wrong spot. When asked about the mix-up, Santa Cruz lamented “I wondered why Mark Hughes would have such an easy practice.”

Bolton
Sammy Lee has moved to show the distinction between himself and his predecessor Sam Allardyce. “Big” Sam was known for securing transfers for aging or unwanted talented players. “Oopaloompa” Sam has taken a different approach by signing young players lacking any resemblance to talent, including Hungarian U21 goalkeeper Adam Bogdan and Norse winger Daniel Braaten.

Chelsea
At first, Cheslea were quite quiet in the transfer market, overpaying for Tal Ben Haim, Steve Sidwell and Claudio Pizarro. Not content with that waste of money, Chelsea opened the wallet for left winger Flourent Malouda from Lyon. His addition will undoubtedly lead to more speculation about Arjen Robben's future, which means squeaky bum time for all of the extra physios at Stamford Bridge.

Derby County
Derby County splashed the cash on record signing Robert Earnshaw for £3.5 million. Earnshaw is best known for being the first player to score a hat-trick at all four levels of English football. He will be assured of completing another hat-trick when he helps his 3rd team get relegated.

Everton
David Moyes proved to be a heartless bastard when it came to Sheffield United. He never supported their bid to stay up. Then to make matters worse he took their best defender Phil Jagielka for a palty £4 million. And finally he took back the £4 million and gave the Blades James Beattie, who will continue his career of making defenders look good. Shame on you David Moyes!

Fulham
Fulham manager Lawrie Sanchez signed Leeds’ striker David Healey, Villa’s Steven Davis and Aaron Hughes and Southampton’s Chris Baird in a move to replace the odd minority of Americans at the West London club with an odd minority of Northern Irishmen. He also signed West Ham’s Paul Konchesky. The left-back has crossed over the city from West Ham in order to fulfill his dream of Championship football, having been robbed of the chance by FA incompetence. Upon putting to pen to paper, Sanchez was quick to look at his atlas to figure out which of the six counties contain Konchesky’s hometown of Barking.

Liverpool
Rafa Benitez, other that being able to eat his weight in pork products, proved his humanitarianism by taking Tom Hicks’ money, which would have been spent to rig more elections in the US, and wasting it on El Niño, Fernando Torres. Fernando Torres will do at £27 million, what Ryan Babel could do for £11 million or even Andrew Voronin could do for £0: be overwhelmed by the physicality and speed of the premiership and wash out. Torres will at least be a trivia answer.

Mancheser City
Sven Goran Erikkson was a busy and cosmopolitan manager. He bought Spanish defender Javi Garrido, Croatian defender Vedran Corluka, Bulgarian headache Valeri Bojinov, Brazilian midfielder Elano and Italian striker Rolando Bianchi to the City of Manchester Stadium. Using only YouTube and Football Manager as a guide, he has rebuilt his squad in little time from every corner of the globe. In addition, he has secured a large percentage of the European Commission’s 1,300 translators to help him teach his diverse new players such phrases as “pass it square”, “everyone behind the ball” and “38 draws should keep us up.”

Manchester United
While Sir Alex has made many big signings this past off-season, only one can be said to be part Kleberson and part Bo Derek.

Middlesbrough
Middlesbrough made their big splash in a dry lake bed by picking up halfback Luke Young. His secret desire to leave Charlton Athletic came true when his former club agreed to a fee of £2.5 million with Gareth Southgate. Upon being introduced by the club to the fans, Young did what Luke Young does best and handed in his transfer request.

Newcastle United
Sam Allardyce must be forgiven if old habits die hard. He started the off-season by gathering in free transfers on useless castaways before he realized he had left Bolton and could afford to pay good dosh on a bunch of useless castaways.

Pompey
Portsmouth retooled its forward line with the signings of David Nugent from Preston North End and John Utaka from Rennes. The Sun was absolutely giddy at the prospect of using the latter's name in the headlines on the back page and commissioned the headline "Utaka the high road, Harry tells his striker" to be used after their reporters’ dog the Nigerian striker into snapping.

Reading
Manager Steve Coppell informed reporters and fans that he had fallen asleep in his favorite chair after the grind of last season’s 8th place finish for the small club. He woke up sometime around August 1st. He has asked the club to give him a wake up call in the future to ensure that such an event doesn’t reoccur. When asked, his wife admitted “I would have woken him but I didn’t know he was asleep. Stevie’s always like that.”

Sunderland
Roy Keane began the epic task of building for next year’s Championship title by raiding the 2nd tier of English football for all of its semi-prized assets. He picked up the Nigerian Roy Keane in Dickson Etuhu as well as Paul McShane and some guy named Chopra, but not the famous one that will sell you self-esteem. Not content with England, he has begun raiding the 2nd division that is the SPL by splashing a record amount on the Scottish #1 Craig Gordon, because Hungary’s #2 is a proposition that few can form a song around.

Tottenham Hotspur
Tottenham signed Kevin-Prince Boateng from Hertha Berlin for £4.5 million. The attacking midfielder, the self-proclaimed “ghetto” kid, will look to live up to that moniker by being a dilapidated, graffiti-laden and ignored part of an otherwise respectable summer signing spree by Martin Jol’s side. There is still time for the Spurs’ infamous 11th hour signings which have landed them such speculation stalwarts as Hossam Ghaly, Mido and Danny Murphy in the past two year.

West Ham United
Julien Faubert dreams of never playing at Upton Park drew closer than ever thanks to his ruptured Achilles tendon. No word yet has been received about the whereabouts of fellow disgruntled signing Craig Bellamy at the time of the incident, although fellow of waste of human flesh Scott Parker distinctly heard someone yell “Fore!”

Wigan
Wigan beat out Everton and Aston Villa for the signature of West Brom's Welsh international Jason Koumas. The 27 year old creative midfielder came up through the Liverpool academy with Michael Owen and Stephen Gerrard. Unlike Owen and Gerrard, he is craptacular, which is why Villa and the Toffies were beaten out by Wigan for the signature of anyone.

The Silly Season (8/5)

Wigan have moved to strengthen their squad for next year’s promotion dogfight by picking up Fulham’s Michael Brown. The midfielder was seen as surplus to requirements at Fulham,; inasmuch that he is not Northern Irish. When asked why he had decided on Wigan, Brown responded “At Fulham there is only a possibility of relegation. Here at Wigan it’s a certainty. That’s comforting.”

Tottenham Hotspur has signed Kevin-Prince Boateng from Hertha Berlin for £4.5 million. The attacking midfielder is the self-proclaimed “ghetto” kid. And he will look to live up to that moniker by being a dilapidated, graffiti-laden and ignored part of an otherwise respectable squad. This is the latest in Spurs determined effort to secure the services of any and all highly overrated young center-mids.

Sammy Lee has moved to show the distinction between himself and his predecessor Sam Allardyce. “Big” Sam was known for securing transfers for aging or unwanted talents. “Oopaloompa” Sam has taken a different approach by signing young players lacking any resemblance to talent. His latest include Hungarian U21 goalkeeper Adam Bogdan, who has been a stalwart of the Hungarian second division and will soon be a stalwart of the English second division. He has also secured Norse winger Daniel Braaten from Rosenborg, who looks to be Bolton’s answer to Emil Hallfredsson.

Sven has been at it again: this time with a quadruple swoop. He has brought Spanish defender Javi Garrido, Croatian defender Vedran Corluka, Bulgarian headache Valeri Bojinov and Brazilian midfielder Elano to the City of Manchester Stadium. In addition, he is looking to secure a large percentage of the European Commission’s 1,300 translators to help him teach the new players such phrases as “pass it square”, “everyone behind the ball” and “38 draws should keep us up.”

Birmingham City have brought in Aston Villa’s Liam Ridgewell and Fulham’s Franck Queudrue to shore up defense as the season approaches. Earlier it had been reported that Steve Bruce had also secured the rights to Tottenham’s want-away midfielder Hossam Ghaly. However, Ghaly pulled out of the deal when he heard that he would be playing in front of players such as Ridgewell and Queudrue, stating “If I am going to be on a team with a porous defense, I might as well stay in London.”

The producers of “Whatever Happened to Alan Smith” were visibly shaken by the news that the ex-Leeds star was leaving Manchester United for Newcastle. Sam Allardyce had won the race for the 26-year-old, beating off competition from the likes of Bradford pub side “The Crow and Finch.” A versatile striker, who has sucked as both a forward and defensive midfielder, Smith may soon find himself stinking up a new position: waterboy.

Newcastle United have also agreed to a deal for Villarreal full-back Jose Enrique. Enrique is a Spanish U21 international. This is new territory for the ex-Bolton boss, who has yet to sign a player on the good side of 30, let alone the good side of 20. When informed of this fact, Big Sam responded “I was wondering what that number after the U meant.” However it has to be noted that Enrique will be youngest player assigned to the Newcastle youth academy, which is the basis of the Tyneside’s U29 squad.

Manchester United have signed someone called Carlos Tevez. Little is known about this player and it is believed that he is a 6’2 goalkeeper. As more comes in, remember to check this space for updates.

The Silly Season (7/29)

Bolton have secured a season long loan for Swedish winger Christian Wilhelmsson. Part of the deal includes Wilhelmsson regrowing his infamous rattail, which manager Sammy Lee sees as the Rapunzellian key to being heard by his squad.

Robbie Fowler has left Liverpool for Cardiff City. If you see a lost Scouser in County Clwyd, you have been asked to call Steve McManaman as he took off on their prized steed, Soon 2B Glue.

West Brom have sold Paul McShane to Sunderland in £1.5 million deal. Earlier in the week Curtis Davies had given up the captaincy at the northwest club. This latest transfer is seen as an attempt by West Brom to keep him as skipper by selling all of their other players.

Freddie Ljungberg has left Arsenal for the short trip east to Upton Park. The Swedish captain has seen phenomenal success since joining the North London club from Halmstads in 1998; including two Premiership titles, and undefeated season, 3 F.A. Cups, a Charity Shield and the final of the Champion’s League. Freddy has set his sights on a new challenge, one that he has never experienced: a relegation dogfight.

Luke Young’s secret desire to leave Charlton Athletic came true this week when his former club agreed to a fee of £2.5 million with Middlesbrough. Upon being introduced by the club to the fans, Young did what Luke Young does best and handed in his transfer request.

Blackburn has landed Paraguayan international Roche Santa Cruz in a deal believed to be in the region of £3.4million. Santa Cruz was mistakenly delivered to a local Rugby club for his first practice, where he was subjected to hair-pulling, eye-gouging, hand-bagging and a finger up his ass. When asked about the mix-up, Santa Cruz lamented “I wondered why Mark Hughes would have such an easy practice.”

The Silly Season (7/21)

Aston Villa's second major signing of the summer… must be coming soon. Until then, the Birmingham club has relieved West Ham of Marlon Harewood and his 4 goal thriller that was the 2006/07 season. He will provide depth in the one area that Martin O'Neill’s men don't need depth - lumbering goalless wonders.

Everton have secured a loan deal for Borussia Dortmund’s attacking midfielder Steven Pienaar. Pienaar was signed by Dortmund to replace Tomáš Rosický, who left for Arsenal in 2005. His move to England has been the closest the South African has come to replicating Rosický’s form.

Real Madrid has decided to forego the Galacticos mentality for a more austere Worthlessticos policy. Following the earlier signing of Dortmund's second-rate defender Christopher Metzelder, they have now signed Liverpool's third-rate goalkeeper Jerzy Dudek. Best known for having the best seat during A.C. Milan's penalty fiasco at the 2005 Champion's League final, Dudek is expected to replicate his Merseyside role in the Spanish capital by sitting motionless for 90 minutes each game.

Lawrie Sanches has added the newest component to his relegation battle with QPR's winger Lee Cook. Cook was so highly sought that even perpetually-in-need Tottenham Hotspur never gave the kid with a left foot a look. He is expected to excel against Sunderland, Derby and Birmingham City this year, before being expected to excel against two of them in the Championship next season.

Roy Keane has signed the Nigerian Roy Keane named Dickson Etuhu from Norwich. The combative midfielder looks to add depth to Sunderland, provide a physical presence, and proof of karma to the once volatile player, who is quickly gaining respect for his composure as a manager and his ability to sign unwanted castoffs from Manchester clubs. Norwich plans a parade for his departure this coming Monday.

Julien Faubert dreams of never playing at Upton Park seem closer than ever thanks to his ruptured Achilles tendon. Six months down, 4 and 1/2 years to go. Dream that dream, Julien!

The Silly Season (7/16)

Sunderland has bought left-(insert position here) Kieran Richardson from Manchester United. About Sunderland’s first major signing since rejoining the Premiership, manager Roy Keane said, "I'm delighted that we've been able to bring Kieran to Sunderland.” The kicking and screaming involved was left to the imagination by the newly reserved Gaffer. About Sunderland’s first “major” signing since rejoining the Premiership, most pundits looked at the squad and immediately went out and put money on the drop.

Bordeaux have signed Manchester United’s David Bellion, who last played for Sir Alex approximately 5,200 pints ago. Upon the signing even Ferguson was heard to exclaim, “Who?”

Fulham manager Lawrie Sanchez has secured the signing of Leeds’ striker David Healey in a move to replace the odd minority of Americans at the West Londonclub with an odd minority of Northern Irishmen. Healey is expected to do something that was never required of him at Loftus Road: score.

Fulham have also signed West Ham’s Paul Konchesky. The left-back has crossed over the city from West Ham in order to fulfill his dream of Championship football, having been robbed of the chance by FA incompetence. Upon putting to pen to paper, Sanchez was quick to look at his atlas to figure out which of the six counties contain Konchesky’s hometown of Barking.

Arsenal has completed the signing of Auxerre right-back Bacary Sagna. The Frenchman will now compete with Emmanuel Eboué to perform the Herculean effort of making Justin Hoyte look like the only capable Englishman that Arsene Wenger has ever signed.

Sven Goran Eriksson has completed the signing of Reggina forward, Rolando Bianchi. Only a man from the impoverished town of Reggio Calabria could move to Manchester and see an increase in life expectancy. He will be expected to anchor the forward line, which includes such sterling players as Rolando Bianchi.

In order to provide service to said forward line, which is only such line in England which can be referred to as a point, Sven has also added highly-rated Swiss midfielder Gelson Fernandes Unfortunately for Sven, while the name seems Portuguese or possibly Brazilian, he comes from Cape Verdean stock, and these are the standards by which he was rated “high”.

The Silly Season (7/11)

Chelsea have finally opened the wallet this silly season and have snared left winger Flourent Malouda from Lyon. The 27 year-old French international had been keen to leave Lyon, just like all its other residents. His addition will undoubtedly lead to more speculation about Arjen Robben's future, which means squeaky bum time for all of the extra physios at Stamford Bridge.

West Ham have won the race for 27 year-old golf champion Craig Bellamy. The Welsh captain's signing has the rest of the team writing out their transfer requests. Surplus to requirement at Liverpool after the signing of Fernando Torres, he will now make Marlon Harewood surplus to requirement for whomever is burdened with his transfer.

Portsmouth retooled its forward line with the signings of David Nugent from Preston North End and John Utaka from Rennes. The Sun was absolutely giddy at the prospect of using the latter's name in the headlines on the back page. My prediction: "Utaka the high road, Harry tells his striker".

Derby sign Ben Hinchliffe on free from Preston. The 19 year-old was highly rated by Rams' boss Billy Davies before he left PNE to take over at Derby. Preston rated him so highly that they couldn't wait for the door to him where natural selection split him.

Wigan beat out Everton and Aston Villa for the signature of West Brom's Welsh international Jason Koumas. The 27 year old creative midfielder came up through the Liverpool academy with Michael Owen and Stephen Gerrard. Unlike Owen and Gerrard, he sucks, which is why Villa and the Toffies were beaten out by Wigan for the signature of anyone.