1. Arsenal
Gilberto is starting to voice concerns about his role in the team. Really? Dude, you're the wrong side of 24, let alone 30. You've been with Wenger for five years and haven't picked up the pattern?
2. Man Utd
Scoring at will…..against shitty teams
3. Man City
6-0 Loss to Chelsea. And yet Garrido was still man of the match.
4. Chelsea
Yes, fans love the new exciting football. Nothing more exciting than a last gasp winner against mighty Leicester City.
5. Blackburn
The U.S. Commerce Department has officially listed Brad Friedel as the lone American Export in any industry that doesn't blow chunks.
6. Liverpool
Okay for the last time: Xabi goes off and Arsenal takes the game to you. This is not a coincidence.
7. Portsmouth
Well now we know where Benjani gets his trademark celebration. It's a tribute to 'Arry who uses it in tirades when fucktards take penalties.
8. Newcastle
Who's missing Martin Jol the most? That’s right Big Sam. The fraction between Jol and Berbatov has abated and now Michael Owen is the best way to fill space in the English rags. I have it on good authority that Owen is off to Dag and Red.
9. Everton
They had to survive while Cahill recovered and now seem poised to jump up the table. They only need to avoid Mark Clattenburg.
10. Aston Villa
Olof Mellberg is possibly off to Juventus. Can you blame him? He lost to his place to Zak Knight. That's like losing a pie-eating contest to an anorexic.
11. West Ham
What's in a name? For Nobby Salano, not a goddamn thing. Truly an oxymoron.
12. Reading
How do you have second season syndrome when you have the same points as the first season?
13. Birmingham
Here's a guarantee. With their midfield (Kapo, de Ridder, Muamba), there is no way that Brum go down. And here's why that guarantee is more useless than the American dollar: Carson Yeung.
14. Fulham
Okay, Bond fan-b0oy, enough with the women's glasses! A real set of spectacles might help you see the abomination that is your team is.
15. Sunderland
Kenwyne Jones is good enough that this team can't possibly go down, no matter how obsessively the defense collects red cards.
16. Wigan
It's looking like Tottenham overpaid for the wrong Bent.
17. Middlesbrough
A little trivia for you: Gareth Southgate has now coaxed as many goals out of Jeremie Aliadiere as Arsene Wenger. Suck on that Frenchy!
18. Tottenham
Well they make suck on the field, but watching this club's off-field antics is rivaling a late night screening of the hot chicks from the L Word grind-fucking the shit out one another.
19. Bolton
They found the right man to guide them through the drop. Megson is beyond reproach when it comes to relegation.
20. Derby
The dreaded vote of confidence for Davies from the new chairman. Newsflash Pearson, A) you look inbred and B) even the Special One couldn't guide this consortium of Sunday pub-siders to safety.
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