I Like the Pole and the Hole

The Sun is reporting that Manchester United’s superstar midfielder Christiano Ronaldo paid £400 to have sex with this Brazilian prostitute.



While both stomach-turning and blood-curdling, one has to wonder why a decent looking world famous millionaire would need to pay money to a woman who would be rejected as too ugly for a Zombie scene in any of the Resident Evil movies. Well, it has come to my attention that Brazil has a sex industry that rivals Thailand’s in terms of its odd and perverse nature. Click Here to see what I mean. And I promise that this is just a google search result and you will not be subjected to any graphics that the dandy winger would consider “the best of both worlds”.

Team Wanted

Bandwagoners, everywhere, are searching despondently for a new team to support. Following the abrupt departure of Jose Mourinho from Chelsea, fickle emotionless fans from across the globe are frantically trying to decide on a new club to put their half-hearted but loud-mouthed support behind. The list heavily favors the clubs Liverpool, Arsenal, Manchester United, Manchester City and Newcastle, currently.


Clark Frey of Boston was upset about the timing of Mourinho’s departure. “Like fuck man, the season has just begun. How the fuck am I going to choose a new team after six or seven games when the league table can change so much over the next few weeks. I’m sure as shit not going to be faced with dealing with a second place season like last year by picking Liverpool too early.” Frey was so upset that he changed the wallpaper on his cell phone back to Jessica Biel.


Sandra Hogan of Melbourne was even more upset the split between owner Abramovich and “The Special One” had occurred after an Arsenal-Tottenham match. “It would have been part of that. But now, even if I choose the Arsenals, and I’m not saying I will, I won’t even be able to post shit all over my MySpace page about the derby win. It’s depressing,” claimed the salesclerk.


Jae Hong Li, a graduate student at the Sorbonne, reported, “I watched the Chelsea Blues play the Manchester Uniteds in hopes that I wouldn’t have to buy all new paraphernalia, but after the game, I realized that Arsenal was the most awesome team in the world. And my main man Fabregas is the fucking bomb. We are going to skull-fuck the rest of the league this year. And we’ll win the Champion’s League too, unless we come across my boys for Barcelona or Milan. They rock too!“


Pathetic glory-chasing fans are worried about having to learn things again, such as the manager, owner, captain, leading scorer, country, city, badge and cool reference name for potential new teams. John Forsythe in Toronto was keen to choose Villa as he would be able to refer to himself as a Villian, however he is worried that their current eight place position would leave him with absolutely nothing to brag about to fellow fucktards. Meanwhile, Dorian Hilbert of Los Angeles was texting friends frantically to find out who was the John Terry of Manchester United. Blaise Cathros of DeMoises was excited to become a Citeh fan due to the similar color of their “shirts” as his once beloved Chelsea. Unfortunately he was disappointed to find that they were sky blue or “real fag like” as Blaise described them.

Faster Than Captain Keano's Exit

Manchester United's new racing stripes on the back of their 2007/8 kits have increased team speed by 10%. In tests conducted by the ACTAS, a premium Olympic training center, it was found that each member of United's squad had seen a significant increase in speed and quickness due to the new go-faster stripes originally pioneered on Briggs Cunningham race cars.

H. Lord Thommassen, the leading sports scientist who conducted the test on behalf of Sir Alex Ferguson and Nike found a proportional increase in acceleration among all of the members of United's world-class squad. They were tested and filmed, with and without the new strips, for sprint ability over the first three steps of a 15m sprint. The results proved that with the shirt's on, the team had significantly lower (12% slower) left and right foot contact times, increased stride frequency and better knee extension. However, there was no difference found in stride length.

It was found that Wayne Rooney's 100 meter sprint time which had been previously clocked at 11.2 seconds, came in at 10.1 seconds when decked out in the spiffy new shirt.

John O’Shea saw a similar result in his 100 meter which was reduced from 15 to 13.5 minutes. Meanwhile Cristiano Ronaldo and Ryan Giggs are no longer visible to the naked eye, as they are able to evade light beams from the sun.

It was found that Gabriel Heinze was capable of calling his lawyers 33 times an hour, up from 29, when wearing the shirt. Sir Alex has even used the stripe to increase his signings this summer. Even the number of jokes at the expense of Dong Fangzhuo's unfortunate name have increased in the clubhouse from 3 to 4 and hour.

However, the most remarkable results occurred with Louis Saha and Ole Gunnar Solskjær who saw a 25% increase in visits to the physios.

David Gill, the chief executive for the club, has been desperately trying to get one of the new kits to Kia Joorabchian in hopes of speeding up the Carlos Tevez saga.

With such significant results, Manchester United are considering further enhancements to their lightening-fast squad, including upgrading intake and exhaust systems, forced induction and nitrous oxide.

The Silly Season (7/16)

Sunderland has bought left-(insert position here) Kieran Richardson from Manchester United. About Sunderland’s first major signing since rejoining the Premiership, manager Roy Keane said, "I'm delighted that we've been able to bring Kieran to Sunderland.” The kicking and screaming involved was left to the imagination by the newly reserved Gaffer. About Sunderland’s first “major” signing since rejoining the Premiership, most pundits looked at the squad and immediately went out and put money on the drop.

Bordeaux have signed Manchester United’s David Bellion, who last played for Sir Alex approximately 5,200 pints ago. Upon the signing even Ferguson was heard to exclaim, “Who?”

Fulham manager Lawrie Sanchez has secured the signing of Leeds’ striker David Healey in a move to replace the odd minority of Americans at the West Londonclub with an odd minority of Northern Irishmen. Healey is expected to do something that was never required of him at Loftus Road: score.

Fulham have also signed West Ham’s Paul Konchesky. The left-back has crossed over the city from West Ham in order to fulfill his dream of Championship football, having been robbed of the chance by FA incompetence. Upon putting to pen to paper, Sanchez was quick to look at his atlas to figure out which of the six counties contain Konchesky’s hometown of Barking.

Arsenal has completed the signing of Auxerre right-back Bacary Sagna. The Frenchman will now compete with Emmanuel Eboué to perform the Herculean effort of making Justin Hoyte look like the only capable Englishman that Arsene Wenger has ever signed.

Sven Goran Eriksson has completed the signing of Reggina forward, Rolando Bianchi. Only a man from the impoverished town of Reggio Calabria could move to Manchester and see an increase in life expectancy. He will be expected to anchor the forward line, which includes such sterling players as Rolando Bianchi.

In order to provide service to said forward line, which is only such line in England which can be referred to as a point, Sven has also added highly-rated Swiss midfielder Gelson Fernandes Unfortunately for Sven, while the name seems Portuguese or possibly Brazilian, he comes from Cape Verdean stock, and these are the standards by which he was rated “high”.