I Totally Want to Party With Onandi Lowe

Onandi Lowe is the former Jamacian international, who has played professionally with Rushden and Diamonds, Coventry City, Port Vale, Kansas City Wizards and 76.5% of USL teams to have ever existed.

He has had a volatile career that has involved being cut from Miami F.C. for his inability to get along with Romario, being left of the Jamaican team on numerous occasions for attitude problems, and being arrested in England for drug charges. This week it turns out that more problems have found the sharp-shooter. He was arrested in Jamaica on Christmas Eve when it was discovered that he had 42 joints in his car.

But his luck is changing, as it has just been announced that he has won the 1st Annual “Johnny On The Spot” Awesome Soccer Ball Kicker Award (which has a cash prize).

Onandi, if you are reading this, call me at 1-800-NEE-DPOT to pick up your prize. Ask for Johnny. My mom might answer, but she’s totally cool man. She knows to interrupt my game of Halo if you call.

Tom Cruise in Brown Street Hooligans

Tom Cruise sure loves sawker. Why he even wants to buy the L.A. Galaxy, and not just because Xenu was a Galaxian. He has also been seen at the Bernabeu.



But perhaps its more than football? Look, we all know Tom Cruise is gay. And his 5 year, $25 million, no-sex contract (which is up in 2010) with Katie Holmes has assured us that Suri was the product of a sexy three-way between Mrs. Cruise, Mrs. Holmes and Mr. Turkey Baster. But if he had been forced to stick his wee-wee in Katie's hoo-ha in order to concieve a child to avoid the persistent rumor that he was caught in bed with Matchbox 20's Rob Thomas, I think that I have an idea of what he painted on his eyelids to get through the humiliation of vaginal sex.

This:

Dick Daddy Develops Dandy Trend

So Steven Ireland feels that he is Superman. Well funny enough, anyone who has read a comic in the last 30 years can tell you how D.C. have emasculated the character to the point that he is no long “super” and thus Steven Ireland can actually make that claim legitimately. In fact, Aaron Lennon could probably knock Clark Kent around if push came to shove. But it makes me think, if Dick Daddy can be Superman, who could we cast in some of the other tights and capes of the Superhero world. I am going to start with the Fantastic Four, because of Barcelona’s usage of Marvel’s flagship team, to brand their forward line, in another odd connection of capes and footballers. So today, I offer the FF:

Tottenham’s Jermaine Jenas as Sue Storm, because he turns invisible anytime he plays a half-decent club.

Fulham’s Claus Jensen as The Thing, because he’s the hard-man with a face only a blind woman could love.

New England Revolution’s Jay Heaps as Mr. Incredible, because nobody could “stretch” so little, so far.

And

Benfica’s Gilles Binya as the Human Torch, because he is an impetuous hothead and a complete dick. Although I doubt he has the hottest sister on the planet.

Next: The Avengers

One More Barkeep

Anyone watching the Red Sox finish off Cleveland in the American League Championship Series last night might have caught the camera focusing on New England Revolution's Taylor Twellman. He was enjoying a frosty cold one as the Red Sox turned over a 3-1 deficit to a team that desperately wants to be the new Cubs.

I have always wondered why Twellman wrapped his wrist. And I have also equally wondered how I might limit the impact of carpal tunnel due to 12 ounce curls. It all came together last night thanks to the New England hitman. I have yet to figure out how to rub one out with this damn bandage on, so if anyone has his e-mail, I would appreciate it if they could pass it along.

I usually don't give "proof of God" arguments, but the fact that Tim McCarver didn't know who Twellman was and all footie fans were spared an eighteen minute diatribe on how baseball's world popularity is growing, by a man who couldn't win "Are You Smarter Than A Box of Hair" let alone beat a 5th grader, may well be proof that there is a higher being.

At Least He Doesn't Quofe

Juan Pablo Angel of the New York Red Bulls was named one of the 10 sexiest Latinos by People en Español. He is the first person to ever grace the prestigious People’s list with a stylish uni-brow giving hope to all people with remnants of Neanderthal genetics in their makeup.

But what is more surprising is the list of physical and emotional attributes, often considered undesirable by women, that each of the other nine men on the list had. It is rather refreshing in this day of infatuation with the aesthetic to see People taking an honest look at men and judging them attractive despite their unseemly features.

When you look at the other nine of People’s list, and their faults, you might find it quite easy to see why Angel’s uni-brow is the least unseemly.

1) Jamie Camil, star of La fea más bell, has back hair. And when I say back hair, I don’t mean some strands that might be unsightly at the beach. Let me take you back to the first time you read the Bible and came across John the Baptist and his hair coat. Did you wonder what was meant by “hair coat”? Camil’s lovers don’t.

2) Alejandro Fernandez, the Mexican singing star, has chronic halitosis. Many of his closest friends claim that it’s like a skunk both shit and sprayed in his mouth. The hideous smell has led to a distinct lack of duets and has seared the eyebrows off many who dare pass his aromatrauma zone.

3) Fernando Colunga, the serial star, has a vitiligo penis. The marble complexion has led many lovely señoritas to be mesmerized by its undulation. “It’s like watching a lava lamp” said one woman who ran screaming from his private abode after he suggested that she do more with his marble penis than stare at it.

4) Singing sensation Francisco Elizalde, known as El Chico, speaks only in the third person, using only the aforementioned nickname. It is especially noticeable as he likes to talk during sex and doesn’t like to learn names. It has been reported that his dirty talk sounds something like this: El Chico wants to make rough dirty love with El Chico’s girl. He would specially like to put El Chico’s retazo macizo in El Chico’s cusca’s ojete. Does El Chico’s joven like El Chico’s mecos on El Chico’s chica’s manchas? It’s not that he’s bad. It’s just exhausting.

5) Reggaeton superstar Yandel has a conjoint twin. Yes this might be a bit unnerving but not as unnerving as Yandel’s tendancy to talk and respond to Yandelito, as he has named his genetic anomaly, or dress it in matching clothing. He also likes to high-five Yandelito when he says something funny.

6) Amaury Nolasco, the Puerto Rican actor best know for his role in Prison Break, has man titties. They are not noticeable on the hit show due his use of gauze but when his acting career hadn't quite taken off he was able to make money as a dick-girl during the lean months.

7) Mexican actor Alex Sirvent cries after sex. And not in a “clean the pipes” kind of way that he could shake off as manly. No, he curls up in the fetal position and whimpers, calling out for his mother. This usually lasts for hours.

8) Argentine Saul Lisazo has a….well let’s just say “hurman” and leave it at that.

9) Mexican soap star José Ron is well known for his odd tendency to quofe. It is a rare phenomenon because it is fairy hard for air to become stuck in a man’s urethra, especially if he hasn’t had a catheter. Ron’s dick farts are uncontrollable and have a tendency to happen when he is nervous, which shocked many at the Latino Grammy’s.

Clint Dempsey’s Shitty Footballing Career is Impeding on His Shitty Rapping Career

The Texas native, who moved to Fulham last January, has come to regret his decision. The American international, who scored the goal that kept Fulham in the top division last year, is rethinking his move from the New England Revolution to the west London club because of the severe shortage of other wiggers in the cosmopolitan city.




Branded Deuce by himself for the resemblance of his playing style and rapping ability to steaming pile of crap, he has blamed the move for the drop in opportunities since his "Don't Tread on Me" commercial, that many overseas football fans were spared viewing, at last year’s World Cup. Once thanked by Eminem for making him feel talented, Deuce Dempsey has been forced to ply his trade in free-style rap-offs at his local London flat. His dream of making it as a wash-out in the music industry may soon surmount his dream of making it as wash-out in the SW6.

Adieu Adu!

Freddy Adu has been downgraded from the next Pelé to the next Eusebio following his move from the Real Salt Lake to Benfica in Portugal. Once a media darling, Freddy Adu has failed to impress even his mother since joining the MLS at the tender age of 14. Feeling rejected since being referred to as "what ever happened to that kid?" by anyone with a passing knowledge of the game in the United States, he decided to move abroad. A solid performance at the Under-21 World Cup in Canada piqued the interest of many teams in Europe; however, Freddy and his handlers made their move based on his probability of a label.

When it was suggested that he think of being a first rather than a next, the marketing team behind the young star looked confused and dazed. His agent Richard Motzkin was seen curled up in the fetal position crying, "You can't sell originality! You just caaaaaaan't!"

They made sure to avoid any team where Roger Milla had once played, as the fear of being the next Roger Milla might remind everyone that he is currently much older than the Cameroonian legend. A move to Celtic where he could have been the next Jinky or Tottenham where he could have been branded the next Gazza were rejected because his impending failure would be highly publicized in those countries. By blending into the scenery of the Portuguese Superliga, it is hoped that his 5 years will run out without notice that he is truly the next Kyle Rote Jr.

Leader of One-Hit Wonder Big Mountain Thanks Klye Beckerman

Big Mountain's lead singer Quino is totally grateful to Klye Beckerman for the free publicity. The band who has suffered abject failure since the success of their 1993 remake of Peter Frampton's "Baby I Love Your Way" are excited that people are talking about them again. "It was, like, nobody remembered us....we couldn't even get a mercy joke on any of the 50 shows covering 90's music on VH1," revealed Quino, whose trademark cracker-rasta locks were shaved once it became the rage of the college campus patchouli and wool hoodie crowd. But now that Kyle Beckerman has replicated Quino's infamous "wastaman" hair, the scathing comments and snide remarks, such as "I guess we know whatever happened to your band, dude", "Hey, Big Mountain is calling, they want their hair back" and "Dude, sing that shitty Frampton cover" that Beckerman hears from fans and colleagues of the MLS has people Googling Big Mountain enough that they have seen their site hits double to 4 this past month. Quino has promised to borrow his Mom's Jetta and ride up to Los Angeles the next time Real Salt Lake plays to thank Beckerman.