Boston Red Sox Bible-thumping reliever Mike Timlin revealed that God has been ignoring such hot-button issues as poverty, war, famine, global-warming, obesity and Brittany’s kids to focus on left-handed pitching. Jon Lester threw 5 2/3rds innings of shutout ball to help the Red Sox eek out a win against the Colorado Rockies in game 4 of the World Series.
Having won their second World Series in four years after an 86 year drought, the Red Sox turned over the Rockies 4-3 in game four of a four game sweep. News agencies converged on the drunken players to get blanched quotes to fill space in programming and print, but were treated to a true revelation by the 41 year old reliever, who has now won four series with the Sox and Blue Jays.
“This is going to sound funny. But God blessed Jon Lester with cancer just to show a lot of people that you can overcome something that's so hard in your life you think, 'I'm not gonna make it.' He's going to be able to take his faith in God and the strength God gave him and tell a lot of other people a great story.”
The 23 year old left-hander was diagnosed with lymphoma last August and has subsequently battled back to health, to the point of being able to reinvigorate his baseball career. And this all thanks to the Big G, who inflicted this chromosomal abnormality from inception on the Tacoma, Washington native, because one day he knew that he would be needed to ensure a sweep of a baseball series between two mismatched franchises. When asked God responded, “fuck a fifth game bitches.”
This isn't baseball first case of cancer. Other former baseball greats, such as Jon Kruk, Darryl Strawberry, Roger Maris, Andres Gallarragah, Joe Torre and the Babe have fought the dread disease to varying results. It is, however, the first time that the Alpha and Omega has been directly involved with a diseased player. Reports that betting on Lester's performance were closed due to heavy betting have only increased media speculation.
Not satisfied with Lester's brave fight and superb performance Mike Timlin, finding inspiration in Lou Gehrig, has contacted the American Cancer Society. He is demanding that they rename “Anaplastic Large Cell Lymphoma” to Lesterphoma.
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