Their Hips Might Break

Report$ circulating throughout Brazil, Italy and Catalonia have $uper$tar Ronaldinho linked with a move to the $an $iro to join hi$ Brazilian teammate Kaka at A.C. Milan. The move from Barcelona i$ de$ired both by the club, a$ Ronaldinho ha$ been di$intere$ted and average $ince the double two year$ ago; a$ well a$ by the player him$elf, who ju$t want$ more money. Repre$ented by hi$ brother Roberto A$$i$, Ronaldinho ha$ been $couring the continent, recently with Chel$ea, and complaining about taxe$ to garner a wage increa$e. It i$ well known that the Brazilian playmaker wa$ angered when Briti$h politican Gerry $utcliffe $poke directly of John Terry, rather than him$elf, when $howing outrage at player$’ wage$.

With that change of $cenery, there would al$o be a $ignificant reduction in competition$. Wherea$ he i$ expected to compete on three front$ with the Catalan giant$, at A.C. Milan, Ronaldinho Guacho would only have to play one game a week, $pecifically the midweek game$ in the Champion$ League. A.C. Milan ha$ $een the FIFA rule change that allow$ holder$ and automatic $pot, following the fia$co with Liverpool two year$ ago, a$ a rea$on to finally give up on $erie$ A.

A$ manager Carlo$ Ancelotti $tated, “The$e are old men who can’t be expected to compete on $o many level$. Their hip$ might break.”

Ronaldinho, who long ago, lo$t intere$t in playing, now favor$ a life of capriciou$ con$umption and hot jizz-covered whore$. And earning Jordane$que money for 15 game$ a $ea$on, $o he can concentrate on hi$ new hobbie$ of gangbang$ and cachaça $hould be too good to pa$$ up.

Thi$ ha$ excited hi$ potential teammate$ at Milan, who have lo$t intere$t in Kaka’$ partie$, which Ma$$imo Oddo ha$ de$cribed a$ “too much Bible, too little bukake!” Ronaldinho, who hold$ notoriou$ly $tellar partie$ will change all that. Cafu ha$ been heard to $ay, “Finally I can u$e $ome of thi$ Levitra that the doctor gave me!” Meanwhile high-end pro$titute$ in Milan are excited about the potential move, a$ the expected windfall from Ronaldo never emerged when he moved to Intermilan. Additionally, pro$titute$ in Barcelona are looking for what they are calling “a little re$t”.

Jol's Blog Will Detail UCL for Daniel Levy

Martin Jol is on the verge of meeting Tottenham Chairman Daniel Levy’s demand of Champion’s League football. While Daniel Levy and Damien Comolli have made a mess of the season at White Hart Lane and ensured their continued absence from Europe’s grand stage, Martin Jol is on the verge of securing his spot in the group stage of this year’s contest.

In fact, if things move quickly, Martin Jol could be making a visit to Fenerbahce next week for his first game. The affable Dutchman is on the verge of taking over at PSV Eindhoven after their manager, Ronald Koeman, agreed to become the new caretaker at Valencia. Sitting currently third in group G behind their next opponent and Inter Milan, the Champion’s League regulars are looking to the man who was so brazenly dumped from his post with the third best team in North London.

The most interesting scenario would see Jol guide the Eredivisie Champions to the UEFA Cup where they could meet his old club in the knock-out stage. A visiting Jol might well ensure that Spurs play their first road game at White Hart Lane. And when PSV concede a late goal to Juande Ramos’ side, the Spurs faithful can go home with that feeling of familiarity that they have so long enjoyed.

Of course there are many mitigating factors that could affect this scenario. The most obvious is that Koeman will most likely be run out of town by Valencia fans by the time you read this and will be back at PSV before they can hire Jol. This isn’t the first time Jol has been within a breath of UCL football to see it slip away. So, Martin Jol has vowed to avoid lasagna until he emerges from the tunnel at Şükrü Saracoğlu Stadium.

Champions League is for Suckers; English, Italian and Spanish Suckers!

Germany embraces the UEFA Cup. With Bayern Munich playing in Europe’s 2^nd tournament for the first time in a decade, the rest of Germany is trying to keep up with the country’s biggest club. That includes Werder Bremen, Schalke 04 and Stuttgart, who are currently in the Champions League.

The going has been tough for the three Champions League teams. Werder Bremen and Stuttgart find themselves in 4^th in their respective groups, having failed to secure draws this past week to secure the coveted 3^rd spot, a position that drops teams into the UEFA Cup Round of 32. Schalke currently find themselves in 3^rd spot, but questions at Chelsea following the dismissal of Jose Mourinho and Valencia’s inability to finish, leave the current second place team in the Bundesliga in a dubious position. A positive result in either of the upcoming fixtures with Chelsea could see the Gelsenkirchen side slip into second place.

It wasn’t like manager Mirko Slomka didn’t try. He employed a midfield with no width against Rosenborg, who dominated the midfield, but his team unfortunately countered for two goals. Werder Bremen’s Thomas Schaaf will be disappointed with his team’s loss to Olympiakos. The goal they so desperately wanted to concede after dominating possession by over 60% during the match, escalated into two others quickly, meaning they need to win one of the games approaching with Lazio to move up one space. Stuttgart have to hope they are less sucktacular than Lyon to secure third.

Meanwhile in the actual competition, Leverkusen, FC Bayern, Hamburg and even lowly Nurnberg made it to the group stages. Leverkusen gave away two early goals which seemed to jeopardize their chances, but pulled through at Uniao Leiria. Nurnberg used the away goals rule to get by Rapid Bucharest. Hamburg demolished a Lycra/Spandex blend from Bulgaria, while Bayern made short work of another Portuguese side. All four will find their group pairings this coming Tuesday.

If things go according to plan, the Bundesliga could see seven teams through to the quarterfinals of the competition, which is now being called “das Ligapokal Zwei” colloquially in Germany. It would undoubtedly give Germany a half-decent chance of capturing its first UEFA Cup since Bayern and Schalke’s double of 95/96 and 96/97. The closest the Bundesliga have come since was Borussia Dortmund’s loss in Rotterdam to Feyenoord in 2002. It was a tragedy, really, as Dortmund awaited the return leg only to find out the competition had changed to a one-leg final three years prior.

Why Dida You Not Hurt Him?

Milan fans are outraged at the incident involving their Brazilian keeper Dida on Wednesday at Celtic Park. In a Champion’s League group match between the reigning European Champions and the Scottish giants, a supporter of the Bhoys ran onto the pitch during the celebration of Scott McDonald's game-winning goal and struck A.C. Milan’s stick-minder. Dida had to be stretched off and the fan was arrested and subsequently banned for life from the club. The Scottish champions await a ruling by UEFA on their penalty for poor stewarding.

What has angered Milan fans, apart from Dida’s play acting after the incident, is the fact that the Scottish fan completely missed the target. “For a second”, said fan Giovanni Emannuel, “I thought that Dida had been severely injured and I was very, very happy. Then I realize that Dida is just acting and I was very, very sad. Why the fan no take out Dida?” It is a sentiment that has resounded with the Rossoneri faithful, who loathe the mistake-prone keeper, who many blame for il Diavolo’s terrible start to the season. “I thought these Scottish fans were tough,” said Guiseppi Oddo, “but he hit Dida like a five-year old girl. Even a six-year old girl would have been enough for Dida. Pathetic!” One fan even invoked a curse on Celtic fans, only to be broken if Dida’s nose is also.

On the upside, Milan’s tenuous status in the world’s premier club competition, after such a shaky start, is bound to improve. UEFA, who are scared to death of Milan’s possible failure, will now do what Carlo Ancelotti’s side was unable to do and take the points from Celtic. And they won’t even need a dodgy penalty.