Stand Up, Speak Up For Honkey Power

Prior to last weekend, Borussia Dortmund stood in 2nd place following a string of three clean sheets, including a 3-0 dismantling of high-flying Werder Bremen. But things have changed as Thomas Doll’s men crashed out on a rare “English” week in the Bundesliga with a 3-2 loss to Hertha Berlin and a 3-0 loss the HSV. Now BVB stand in 11th and have conceded 17 goals in their five losses. The pressure is starting to mount on Doll.

So that is why the former East German standout has recruited notorious skin head Hans Weißeliebe as his new goal coach. Back on September 14th starting keeper Ramon Weidenfeller got into a tussle with Gerald Asamoah of Schalke in Dortmund’s 4-1 defeat. During the confrontation Weidenfeller called Asamoah either a “black” pig or a “gay” pig and was subsequently fined and banned for three games. During those three games, Dortmund won all without conceding.

It is thought that Weidenfeller’s repeated apology and Asamoah’s forgiveness saved the 27 year-old keeper from a heftier ban. Thomas Doll is infuriated with the German FA’s leniency, which he feels might cost him his job. By employing a man whose stance on racial purity scares even Nick Griffin, Doll hopes to get his starting keeper to lash out again and get a longer ban. In the increasingly diverse country, Doll feels that his plan will bear fruit soon, as the number of Ghanaians, Nigerians, Turks and North Africans in the league will be too tempting to the increasingly brainwashed Roman.

However, concerns over the potential use of homophobic language has Doll employing a different strategy concerning gays. Along with the orgy of hate that Weißeliebe routinely bombards Roman with, the goalie is also taking sensitivity training. Fearful that a gay slur will incur no wrath from the German FA, as gays are typically "cool" with being treated with disdain, Doll wants to make sure his keeper avoids abuse of the emasculating variety.

Hopefully, Weudenfeller's next outburst will be so offensive that it will lead to the purchase of a new stickminder in January. To be safe, he has his keeper watching old speeches by P.W. Botha rather than games of opponents during video sessions.

"You Say Schwule, I Say Schwarze"

We can only speculate over what Dortmund keeper Roman Weidenfeller said to Gerald Asamoah in the derby match between bitter rivals Dormund and Schalke back on September 14th. While Asamoah claims the keeper’s trash talk included a reference to his color after he slammed into Weidenfeller, the keeper claimed his slur was homophobic. Such is the idiocy of football at times.

For you English speakers the difference is between “schwule Sau” (gay pig) and “schwarze Sau” (black pig). Either way, the German FA handed Dortmund’s 27 year old keeper a three game ban. Pigs everywhere are wondering why they had to be involved at all.

There is compelling evidence that Weidenfeller apologized twice within the context of the game for the insult, and it is certain that Asamoah accepted an apology by the time of the hearing. Many feel that this led to a reduced sentence. However Thomas Doll might be wondering if Asamoah’s leniency might cost him his job.

Borussia Dortmund started the season in shambles losing their first two games by a combined score of 7-2 to lowly Duisburg and rival Schalke. They have lost their last two games, to surprising Hertha Berlin and Hamburg by an aggregate 6-2. During both of these two-game skids, Dortmund’s defense has looked fragmented and uncommunicative.

During the three games that interceded, Dortmund won three straight, all with clean sheets, climbing to second in the table. It was these three games that saw veteran backup Marc Ziegler between the sticks due to the suspension. While Doll has fluctuated between Philipp Degen and Christian Worns to partner Leonardo, the only consistency to be found is Weidenfeller’s absence. And watching his games, one can’t fault Weidenfeller for goals per se, but there is a distinct difference in the defense’s posture and movement when he is in goal as compared to Ziegler.

It’s one of those nuances that fans can never really know: how a keeper communicates with his backs. When goals are being scored, it is a topical concern. When they are not, it is assumed to be good. But what is quite clear within seven games, and subsequently having seen how much better Christoph Metzelder looks in front of Iker Casillas at Real Madrid, that Weidenfeller does not command his defense and is costing a giant of German football goals (and points) by the handful. Does Doll need another racist/homophobic remark to help him or will he see the light in time to save his job.

Come FM Live, Roman Peronally Invites You to an Ass-Stompin'

Avram Grant needs a month: just one fucking month. If he can last that long without incurring the wrath of bored playboy gangster Roman Abramovich. If he can eek out a few results while playing Roman’s chosen XI through the month of October, he will personally buy the son of a whore Championship Manager 2008 on November 2nd. Football Manager should be out a few weeks later, although nothing is official yet, but Avram would prefer to avoid it, because last year’s cover was highly suggestive of a Jose Mourinho.


However if he lasts as late as March, he’ll be damned if he won’t buy Roman Football Manager Live which will be a MMORPG, which is sure to keep the owner busy for months as he battles dorks, nerds, dweebs, social retards and virgins around the world to prove he can manage his own fucked up squad. In the meantime, he has hired voice actors to make calls to the Russian billionaire under the premise that they are agents for such players as Kaka, Christiano Ronaldo and Totti to keep his the owner too busy to notice how incompetent the Israeli gaffer is.

You'll Never Walk Alone, Unless You're Handed a P45

Last year when Arsenal’s youth side destroyed Liverpool 6-3 in the Carling Cup, Rafa Benitez swore he would never be embarrassed in the 5^th most important competition in England ever again.

So he went out and spent £27 million on El Niño Fernando Torres to give his team some bite up front. While some fans complained about the superstar’s omission from the side recently, the 400-pound Gaffer kept to his guns, resting his striker in Mickey Mouse competitions such as the English Premier League and Champions League, so that he would be fit and ready for Tuesday’s showdown with Reading, a team once referred to as the Crystal Palace of Reading.

The Spanish international delivered the goods, scoring a hat-trick against the struggling second-season team’s B-side, which many pundits were surprised they had. What made the performance all the more impressive was the selection of dregs Rafa the Hut played along side Torres. With Benayoun, Leto, Lucas and Crouch providing the service, Reading’s reserves could concentrate solely on the one person of skill on the pitch. Yet the Madrid magician shouldered the team’s hopes and dreams of raising the Carling Cup in March and carried them to the next round.

His three superb goals have reinforced Benitez, who now claims that Torres will start one game a week. And you can bet your paycheck on the game being in the Carling Cup. If Liverpool can increase their record 7 cup tally to a starling 8, the £2,000,000 prize would go a long way to erasing the debt of Torres’ record signing and the prestige would easily win over the Scouser faithful.

Team Wanted

Bandwagoners, everywhere, are searching despondently for a new team to support. Following the abrupt departure of Jose Mourinho from Chelsea, fickle emotionless fans from across the globe are frantically trying to decide on a new club to put their half-hearted but loud-mouthed support behind. The list heavily favors the clubs Liverpool, Arsenal, Manchester United, Manchester City and Newcastle, currently.


Clark Frey of Boston was upset about the timing of Mourinho’s departure. “Like fuck man, the season has just begun. How the fuck am I going to choose a new team after six or seven games when the league table can change so much over the next few weeks. I’m sure as shit not going to be faced with dealing with a second place season like last year by picking Liverpool too early.” Frey was so upset that he changed the wallpaper on his cell phone back to Jessica Biel.


Sandra Hogan of Melbourne was even more upset the split between owner Abramovich and “The Special One” had occurred after an Arsenal-Tottenham match. “It would have been part of that. But now, even if I choose the Arsenals, and I’m not saying I will, I won’t even be able to post shit all over my MySpace page about the derby win. It’s depressing,” claimed the salesclerk.


Jae Hong Li, a graduate student at the Sorbonne, reported, “I watched the Chelsea Blues play the Manchester Uniteds in hopes that I wouldn’t have to buy all new paraphernalia, but after the game, I realized that Arsenal was the most awesome team in the world. And my main man Fabregas is the fucking bomb. We are going to skull-fuck the rest of the league this year. And we’ll win the Champion’s League too, unless we come across my boys for Barcelona or Milan. They rock too!“


Pathetic glory-chasing fans are worried about having to learn things again, such as the manager, owner, captain, leading scorer, country, city, badge and cool reference name for potential new teams. John Forsythe in Toronto was keen to choose Villa as he would be able to refer to himself as a Villian, however he is worried that their current eight place position would leave him with absolutely nothing to brag about to fellow fucktards. Meanwhile, Dorian Hilbert of Los Angeles was texting friends frantically to find out who was the John Terry of Manchester United. Blaise Cathros of DeMoises was excited to become a Citeh fan due to the similar color of their “shirts” as his once beloved Chelsea. Unfortunately he was disappointed to find that they were sky blue or “real fag like” as Blaise described them.

The Table Never Lies

1. Arsenal
Gunners everywhere are suddenly appalled at the treatment of Chelsea supporters just because their club is owned by a Russian mobster. The Arseski faithful are not amused.

2. Manchester City
Does football make you sad Stevie? Or was it the grannycaust of lies? Or was it the miscarriage? You know what makes me sad, Stevie? A 21 year-old man parading around Bebo under than name “Dick Daddy”.

3. Liverpool
Rafa and Big Sam are bickering. These boys need to settle it fat guy style, with a sumo match.

4. Manchester United
Their current form is about as inspiring as punch to the crotch.

5. Chelsea
While Roman Abramovich wants to turn this club into the Harlem Globe Trotters, his conduct is more reminiscent of the Washington Generals.

6. West Ham
Oh and speaking of owners who hate success, Eggert Magnusson has been forced to step down as Chairman of the club as they sail into an improbable sixth place.

7. Everton
Drawing at home to Metalist Kharkiv, a hair band from the 80’s? Europe just isn’t this club’s cup of tea.

8. Blackburn
But at least they didn’t lose to a club named after Disney’s newest sensation: Larissa Tells All.

9. Wigan
With Heskey injured, who will step up to miss all of their chances?

10. Newcastle
Sam Allardyce wants Michael Owen to get a hernia operation now so he will be fit by the time African Nation’s Cup duty takes away Obafemi Martins. Michael Owen wants to wait; presumably to take advantage of his impending debilitating injury in two weeks time.

11. Aston Villa
Villa, shame on you for hiding Gareth Barry from England for so long!

12. Birmingham
Fast becoming the kings of the dreaded six pointers.

13. Middlesborough
After watching his performance last week, its surprising how telling anagrams can be: Tuncay Sanli=Can’t Lays In.

14. Sunderland
Criticism of Roy Keane's £6m purchase of Kenwyne Jones, who is unproven at Premier League level, proved premature when tore apart Championship side Reading.

15. Portsmouth
Matthew Taylor has let it be known that he is ready to step up to the spot for Pompey in the future. Now, if he can only get a place on the team.

16. Fulham
The last time Lawrie Sanchez faced off with Sven Goran Eriksson, he came away with a famous 1-0 victory. This time Sven will not be burdened by shitty English players.

17. Tottenham
They couldn’t even keep a clean sheet against a Cypriot minnow.

18. Reading
Forget the 2^nd season syndrome, this team need to concentrate on their 3^rd tier defending.

19. Derby
Kenny Miller continues to show that he can score at every level. Mostly he has shown that he can score in the Championship, which he will have ample opportunity to do again next year.

20. Bolton
One shot on goal and 46% of the possession against Birmingham clearly shows how expansive theory and execution are apart at the Reebok.

There is no shame in being rejected by Giselle Bundchen

Daniel Levy and the Spurs board are set to be rejected by another world-class manager. Jose Mourinho, who guided Chelsea to their first league title in 50 years, left the club last night after infighting between himself and owner Roman Abromivich had fractured their relationship too much to be salvaged.

The Tottenham Board is set to make and audacious move for the Portuguese manager, who is set to meet with Levy. Mourinho is unaware of this meeting as Levy will be posing as a Border and Immigration Agency official to check on the unemployed foreigner. As a backup, Paul Kemsley has arranged a second meeting with the Portugeezer, guised as an Animal Welfare Service visit to check up on Leya, his Yorkshire terrier.

The Special One is expected to reject the offer because he would rather win a World Cup than a Peace Cup. Both Levy and Kemsely are expected to be arraigned later for impersonating state officials.

Having watched Juande Ramos, Jurgen Klinsmann, Marcello Lippi and Fabio Capello reject advances from Spurs, like an AV geek asking out the entire cheerleading squad, the persistent Spurs' board remain determined. "It's like anal fisting," responded Levy, who was donning a wig for his impending gig, "sure 99 out of 100 women will say no and pepper spray you. But to find that one dirty whore, you have to ask them all."

When Mourinho rejects the North London Club, they are expected to pursue either Phil Scolari or Frank Rijkaard, who the manager is more likely to replace at either Portugal or Barcelona. Both men have changed their cell phone numbers in anticipation.

Ramos Given Three Weeks

After losing 3-0 to arch-rival Arsenal, Tottenham’s next manager Juande Ramos has been given three weeks to hold onto his potential job. Feelings in the boardroom at White Hart Lane are that Ramos will not be the man to lead them into the top four, even though his stellar record in both Spain and Europe, along with his current first place position in La Liga, speak volumes about his success.

Levy called Ramos into a private meeting at the posh Grosvenor House in London, after the poor showing by the Andalucía side, where he offered the Spanish manager a dizzying contract for next year and told him that he would be fired unless he could turn things around at Seville by the next International break.

When asked about the board, Ramos claimed that there were no issues between him and Daniel Levy. He affirmed that contrary to published reports that he will still be the answer to Spurs problems in two weeks time. “I have the support of my players, who desperately want me to leave Seville,” claimed Ramos.

Meanwhile Paul Kemsley was seen in Italy meeting with Marcello Lippi to discuss his future severance package with the North London side. The undermined Ramos has shown dignity at the news, but sources close the manager state that he is furious with his treatment by Levy and Damien Comolli, but will refuse to step down as he awaits the lucrative buy-out of his soon-to-be-signed contract with Tottenham.

Injury Crisis For England

England has suffered a major blow as superstar Emile Heskey limped out of Wigan’s draw this weekend at the JJB, with what is suspected to be broken fifth metatarsal bone in his foot. The injury will keep the forward out of the October qualifiers for the Three Lions, but there is concern that the foot could cause even longer term headaches for England skipper Steve McClaren.

Heskey returned recently to the England squad after years of retirement to help England become the greatest team on the planet. It was his play up front while midfield maestro Gareth Barry conducted the midfield, which had helped England emerge from years of mediocrity to become the new Brazil. Barry, who had himself retired from the squad on four previous occasions, returned to the midfield to provide guidance for newcomer Steven Garrard. Panic is now rampant throughout the whole of England. It is worried that Barry, too, could succumb to injury, which would effectively kill off their hopes of making and then winning the European Championship in Austria and Switzerland next summer. If tragedy were to strike, England would be forced to employ such B-list players as Frank Lampard, Wayne Rooney or Owen Hargreaves as stop-gaps until the two superstars can recover.

Fortunately for McClaren, Phil Neville is expected to return soon from injury, so that the liability that is Micah Richards can be avoided in the crucial crunch matches. The only remaining worry for the ex-Middleborough gaffer is the persistent lack of injuries for defender Rio Ferdinand and keeper Paul Robinson.

Fecal Matter Angered by Comparison to Zokora

In a press conference held earlier today, Screaming Eagle who is the spokes-excrement for the Fecal Waste Solidarity Union made a concerted plea for his fellow scat everywhere. “Long have we accepted your comparisons to our kind when it comes to poor footballers in the Premiership…sorry Premier League, but you have gone too far in comparing us to Didier Zokora,” pleaded the sphincter spear. “We accepted when you said Titus Bramble was shit or Eric Djemba-Djemba was as useful as creamy butt nuggets or Li Weifeng sucked mud bunnies or Nigel Quashie was a sack of toilet orphans or even that Shevchenko had completely turned to lumpy farts,” continued the piece of intestinal sculpture, “We even kept our mouths shut when you called Khalid Boulahrouz a blivic; but what have we ever done to you, so that you would possibly want to compare us to Didier Zokora?”

Speaking from a backed-up sewage pipe near the Seven Sisters Road in North London, the corn-eyed butt snake pleaded with football fans everywhere to show respect to the by-products of their overindulgence in pies and beer. “While I may never be able to accomplish tricks like Ronaldinho,” claimed the tangy butt nut, “I sure as heck can pass a ball to a wide-open man or even shoot on target.” In the future, the chocolate soldier has asked that poor players be likened to maggots, rotting food or even fellow fluids. “For too long you have ignored bile, semen, urine and menstruation, while you have continued to heap the burden of your own failings on me and my fellow dookies,” the exasperated ass apple pleaded, “Zokora was too much. Please let us have some peace!”

Oliver Kahn: Skater of Jater?

Oliver Kahn has placed the blame for last week's draw at Hamburg directly on trainer Otto Hitzfeld.

"I demanded a DVR be installed and he refused," he yelled at the linesman during the draw. Bayern Munich's current form has been breath-taking and their midfield domination of teams has meant little work for the keeper who is retiring at the end of the season. After giving away only one attempt on goal in their first three games, Hitzfeld agreed to Kahn's request of a television and satellite hookup between the sticks, but balked at a DVR instillation as it just seemed absurd.

However Mohamed Zidan, who was the first player to score on Kahn, this campaign, caught the keeper at just the right moment while he was watching the season three finale of Lost, which was finally being broadcast in Germany. Kahn was watching as Jack Shepherd descended into substance abuse, when he was forced make a diving attempt at David Jarolim's parry which Zidan was able to clean up.

Hitzfeld has countered that Kahn's anger is not at a lack of a DVR, but rather that he is upset about missing the pivotal moment of the sci-fi finale and having only realized post-game, while surfing the Fuselage website, that the flashbacks had actually been flash-forwards. Kahn has said that the DVR better be in place by the time the 1st season of Heroes is broadcast or there could be hell to pay.