Stand Up, Speak Up For Honkey Power

Prior to last weekend, Borussia Dortmund stood in 2nd place following a string of three clean sheets, including a 3-0 dismantling of high-flying Werder Bremen. But things have changed as Thomas Doll’s men crashed out on a rare “English” week in the Bundesliga with a 3-2 loss to Hertha Berlin and a 3-0 loss the HSV. Now BVB stand in 11th and have conceded 17 goals in their five losses. The pressure is starting to mount on Doll.

So that is why the former East German standout has recruited notorious skin head Hans Weißeliebe as his new goal coach. Back on September 14th starting keeper Ramon Weidenfeller got into a tussle with Gerald Asamoah of Schalke in Dortmund’s 4-1 defeat. During the confrontation Weidenfeller called Asamoah either a “black” pig or a “gay” pig and was subsequently fined and banned for three games. During those three games, Dortmund won all without conceding.

It is thought that Weidenfeller’s repeated apology and Asamoah’s forgiveness saved the 27 year-old keeper from a heftier ban. Thomas Doll is infuriated with the German FA’s leniency, which he feels might cost him his job. By employing a man whose stance on racial purity scares even Nick Griffin, Doll hopes to get his starting keeper to lash out again and get a longer ban. In the increasingly diverse country, Doll feels that his plan will bear fruit soon, as the number of Ghanaians, Nigerians, Turks and North Africans in the league will be too tempting to the increasingly brainwashed Roman.

However, concerns over the potential use of homophobic language has Doll employing a different strategy concerning gays. Along with the orgy of hate that Weißeliebe routinely bombards Roman with, the goalie is also taking sensitivity training. Fearful that a gay slur will incur no wrath from the German FA, as gays are typically "cool" with being treated with disdain, Doll wants to make sure his keeper avoids abuse of the emasculating variety.

Hopefully, Weudenfeller's next outburst will be so offensive that it will lead to the purchase of a new stickminder in January. To be safe, he has his keeper watching old speeches by P.W. Botha rather than games of opponents during video sessions.