Tastes Like Vinegar But With a Bitter Afterbite

I was just in France. Being an American in France is very hard, you know. First, there’s the whole war thing. Like I started it. I just voted for Bush, believed his every lie, supported his every effort and bought a Hummer. And while I don’t support the troops with tax money, I sure do have patriotic stickers on that Hummer. In addition, I think all Muslims are terrorists, even the Sikh ones. So how is that my fault Frenchy? And hey, would it kill you fuckers to learn some American.

On top of getting stick for that, there’s the food. It’s all this fancy shit with aromatic smells, palate exploding flavor and multiple courses. It’s no wonder all those beret-wearing fancy dandies are so thin. It’s called anorexia people. So when I stumbled on Quick, a French fast-food resteraunt, I was running on day two of raiding the M&M machine at the Cluny Metro station for my only sustenance and went in desperately seeking chemically enhanced food by-products to ensure that I didn’t vomit, as was intended by the unnatural combination of rancid mean, wilted lettuce, squeeze-bottle cheese and white bread.

They didn’t sell any Big Mac, but they did sell a Nicholas Anelka burger, which did the job. My first day, I ordered one and it was dirt cheap, came with pommes frites and was delicious! The thoughts of more Anelka Burgers for years to come excited me. The second day, the price was up. Now it came with chips and while it still came with a hint of potential, the burger must have been cooked poorly because there was a bitter aftertaste. The next day, the price had skyrocketed (nearly a 440% increase) and now it came with papas fritas. It left me empty and flatulent and there was only one decent bite in the whole meal (but wow what a bite). The next few times the price lowered gradually and was served with either pommes frites or chips. But while it tasted good, it never really made much difference with my hunger. It was empty calories. When I went in next, the burger was on the “cheap eats” menu and was served with patates kızartması and it seemed sad and pathetic. I ordered a chicken sandwich. On my last day, the burger was being given away with gravy and chips. It seemed like the only decent thing on an otherwise terrible menu and I ordered one because it seemed like the price was starting to creep back up.

Conclusion: It’s still better than Hardees.