Jack Warner Hates All White People, Especially Racists

Jack Warner is not a racist. He just hates everybody not named Jack Warner, who comes from Trinidad & Tobago, owns Joe Public F.C., wears glasses and is the most virulent type of racist. If you don’t fit that category, it doesn’t matter your color, whether it’s cornsilk, pale goldenrod or slightly creamy, Jack Warner hates you.

However, if you would like to buy tickets to the World Cup, Jack Warner loves you and the £999 you have to offer him for a package to the world’s premier sporting event. Jack may hate khaki colored eastern Asians and burly wood colored southern Europeans, but he sure does love their multi-colored money.

There is nothing Jack Warner hates more than being not him, than a racist. And Jack Warner thinks that you ivory colored limey Britons should not be rewarded for your racist monkey chants, jingoistic hooliganism and “Rt 1” football with a World Cup. For goodness sake, you just hosted one in 17 B.J.W. There has been only four World Cups between your last one and the big bang that occurred in 1983 when Jack Warner sold his soul to the devil and joined the FIFA Executive Committee, which is the exact last time he read anything that wasn’t Jack Warner’s bank statement.

Why does Jack Warner hate you English more than blanch almond colored Slavs and moccasin colored Greeks? Because you pose a threat to his scheme to make millions of dollars in the United States, which has 270 million people that he truly loathes, when they host the 2018 World Cup. As President of CONCOCAF, he would be privy to tickets to a World Cup held in his region and wouldn’t have to rely on Trinidad & Tobago making it again, so he could steal the country’s allotment and resell it to them at markup. And he really has few options, since he sold and resold his soul to every last underworld deity including the weird Zoroastrian and Egyptian ones, to get them to Germany last time.

So when Jack Warner says England is an irritant and has never made any impact on international football, you must forgive him. By irritant, he means you an irritant to Jack Warner. And his reference to England’s impact has nothing to do with creating and exporting the game world wide, winning the World Cup in 1966, hosting a flawless Euro 1996 or having the most popular and richest club league in the world. It’s just that you have never made any impact on Jack Warner.

So unless England is willing to offset the financial loses on schemes, machinations, contrivances, artifices and skullduggeries with a hefty bribe (just leave it in the trash can underneath the All Spice Tree outside of Joe Public F.C.), you can expect him to remain a major irritant.

Because, after all, you English are racist. Not him! You! And there is nothing Jack Warner hates more than racists, other than white people.