Club vs. Country

Michael Owen has just announced his retirement from club football to concentrate on his career for country. Never one to waste time on club football, whether it was with Liverpool, Real Madrid or Newcastle, Owen has decided to come clean and officially retire from Newcastle United so that he can aid in the glory that is the pure unadulterated mediocrity of the English national team. Since the F.A. officially pays his salary, due to the shrewdness of ex-chairman Freddy Shepherd, the transition is expected to go smoothly. This should also end speculation that Owen is set to leave the Tyneside club for some other physio table.

Last seen in 2004 at the European Championship, Owen has an impressive goal tally for club and country. He has 37 goals in 82 caps for England and 138 for various clubs. The latter tally is made all the more impressive by the fact that he has only played two dozen games in his career at the club level. When asked about the decision, Owen responded, “It has always been my ambition to play in the quarterfinals of at least three international tournaments and score in five altogether.”

When Magpie manager Sam Allardyce was informed of the announcement, he responded, “Who?” After directing him to Michael Owen’s Bebo page, Big Sam seemed amused and replied, “That makes a bit of sense. I thought Sammy Lee had been following me around in wig.” Allardyce plans to replace Owen with a bag of air.