20. Kaiserslautern
There is definitely a missed marketing opportunity in college frat houses in the U.S.
Asshole #1: 
Asshole #2:
Asshole #1:
Asshole #2: I have some
Asshole #1:
19. FC Nurnberg
Dietmar, why did you steal our
ing logo? 18. Borussia Dortmund
Interestingly, the BVB stands for Ballspiel-Verein Borussia. And that would be about the only
17. Schalke 04
The G stands for” Goddammit, at least put in the effort!
16. Hansa Rostock
We all know that the Hanseatic League started losing its position of power in the Baltic around the time that Rostock joined the guild. Why? I would contest that Rostock ship designs had some influence. Who wants to sail in a melted horseshoe?
15. Cologne
Here’s how I imagine two roommates would interact in Cologne
#1: Look out the window and tell me if it’s raining.
#2: No. It’s cloudy but not raining.
#1: Is that giant goat cock still out there?
#2: Yes. Yes it is.
14. FC Augsburg 1907
Eww! Is that a butt-plug? I hope they bleached that
13. SC Freiburg
The griffin is a legendary creature with the body of a lion, considered the king of the beasts, and the head and wings of an eagle, the king of the birds. Since the royals of Europe are a cesspool of genetic singularity that would rival a trailer park in the Ozarks, it does explain the sickly, inbred nature of this pathetic creature.
12. Eintracht Frankfurt
I’m with you freaky royal eagle. I would scream too if I had hemorrhoids like that. It’s like you pushed through your entire small intestines.
11. Vfb Stuttgart
Oh I would love that font for my site. Is that Drunken German Lithographer Condensed Italic?
10. Wolfsburg
9. Bayer Leverkusen
Thanks for ruining Aspirin for me. Now I won’t be able to take one without thinking “hey, did a couple of tiny savannah cats dry-hump this pill?”
8. MSV Duisburg
Now if this was an American team, one would just think the Zebra is an obtuse random mascot, but football clubs try to attach their crest to local civic history. So I present to you the mysterious Black Forest Blue Zebra?
7. Hannover 96
Simple, but for some reason it feels dyslexic.
Man: This is doing nothing for me.
Woman: Me either.
Man: I expected more oral action. I can’t even see your vagaina.
Woman: I am really uncomfortable with the location of your buttocks right now.
Man: Let me check the Kuma Satra again.
6. Werder Bremen
You’ll see this occasionally in a gym’s sauna. It’s called frot. And if you think its awkward walking in on two guys rubbing their wangs together, each staring back at you with dear-in-the-headlight gazes, just ask the guy that caught me and Jasper
5. Hamburg
Do you know the difference between a “brown eye” and a “chocolate starfish”? Yes, it’s called wiping.
4. Bochum
This is simple and elegant. High marks…..wait a minute. 1848? Who are you kidding? Don’t try to pass off the year you started tossing a medicine ball as the year the football club was established. Its disingenuous.
3. 1860 Munich
So tonight, tonight.
Let it be
2. Bayern Munich
Sorry, love them or hate them, this is one of the best damn crests around. The middle part is the flag of Bavaria.
1. F.C. St. Pauli
First, because they are older, they forced Hamburg to adopt the aforementioned “balloon knot”. And then there is the motto: “Non-established since 1910”. I
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