The Table Never Lies

1. Chelsea
£85 million on Ronaldinho. “Football Manager” geeks everywhere call it bad business. You can use the editor to get him for free.

2. Manchester City
Kasper Schmeichel opts to represent Denmark, rather than England at the international level after his fantastic start. He didn’t want his hopes of making it to a World Cup final dashed so early.

3. Wigan
Chris Hutchings has made a defense consisting of Titus Bramble and Mario Melchiot, one of the hardest to score on in the Prem. I think we have our next England manager.

4. Liverpool
Jes, they are good. No, Rafa won’t shut the fuck up.

5. Everton
Everyone about to sign Manuel Fernandes, please step forward. Not so fast David Moyes.

6. Arsenal
Sure they want to walk the ball into the back of their own net. You would too if you faced off against Jens Lehmann during training everyday.

7. Newcastle
Allardyce feels the need to replace Stephen Carr and Peter Ramage after being the newest victims to the ever present injury bug on Tyneside. Fans felt the need to replace them long ago.

8. Portsmouth
How good is David Nugent? His sell-on date is shorter than my milk’s.

9. Blackburn
If they hold onto Gamst this week, they may well be the team to break up the top four. And Christopher Samba cost all of £400,000.

10. Manchester United
It’s not the injuries or the chemistry that is holding the holders back. The trick is to play like a Sunday league pub side.

11. Aston Villa
Villa was so impressed by Zak Knight’s contributions that they are willing to pay £4 million for the striker.

12. Birmingham City
Steve Bruce has come out in protest of a schedule that sees him face Derby only twice this season.

13. Middlesbrough
Racist chants directed at Mido? Egyptian is a nationality and not a race. The F.A. can breathe a sigh of relief.

14. West Ham
Welcome to the Newcastle of the South.

15. Reading
Manager Steve Coppell believes international friendlies should be scrapped. His squad disagrees, since they enjoy watching the games just like the rest of us.

16. Sunderland
Paul McShane, the one week wonder of fantasy football, has been picked up and dropped more than Brittany’s babies.

17. Tottenham
Was that a left hand cross from a left footed player? Where does the Prince of Darkness shop for coats? Maybe he and his wags are hitting the Trafford Centre.

18. Bolton
You have to say this for Nicolas Anelka. He sure knows how to sell himself.

19. Fulham
Let’s play spot the pattern. Fulham has four Yanks on the squad. Derby has three.

20. Derby
Desperate to sign a striker, which will leave them with only 10 other positions to fill.