Ramón Calderón Will Never Fire Me Claims Schuster

Bernd Schuster has moved to strengthen his position at Real Madrid with his transfer dealings this summer. Well aware of Ramón Calderón’s policy of firing successful managers, Schuster is not going to rely solely on his tactical naiveté to ensure a mediocre season at the Bernabeu. He has also employed the deft policy of bringing in only really shitty players.

Although he has used the full power of Real Madrid’s brand name to tap up half of the players in Europe using the press, as Real Madrid are notoriously famous for doing, almost none of the eight million players on his wish list have agreed to join the Spanish giants. Schuster has made a lot of noise, but has successfully engaged in back-room dealings to ensure that such good players as Chivu, Pato, Kaka, Fabregas and Ballack never joined.

Meanwhile he has brought in Liverpool goalkeeper Jerzy Dudek and Dormund defender Cristoph Metzelder on frees to ensure disharmony in the training room and warmth on his bench. As for real dealings, he has wasted €54 million of his transfer kitty on an additional two signings for his bench. The first was the new Abel Xavier, Pepé from Porto, while the second has just joined. He is Roysten Drenthe from Feyeenord.

Drenthe, whose average performance at a sub par European U21 Championship, has had managers, who have universally labeled scouting as “so last year”, salivating all over Europe. None more so than Feyenoord manager Bert van Marwijk, who has been keen to release the underachiever, whom he called giftedly sucktacular, from last year’s 7th place team in the Eredivisie. Drenthe was so prized at Feyenoord that they signed Belgian international Philippe Léonard to replace him, 2 years ago.

Van Marwijk was thrilled when his player was shown to be the least un-talented player at the U21 tournament and was thrilled to make a whopping €14 million on the young ungifted Dutchman. “They said how much and I replied 14. Only later did I realize that they were talking in the millions while I was talking in the hundreds. We will use the money to buy a vacuum to clean up all the hair he left around,” reported the manager.

Bernd looks to further his plans to be the longest reigning manager at Real Madrid, which he will celebrate in less than a year, by bringing in a player who will spend most of his time occupying the physios. Arjen Robben is his current target, and there will be no clandestine dealings, because this is the guy that could waste the rest of his kitty and never play. “I do this for Alfredo di Stefano, who has personally told me that he is tired of driving through the congested traffic of the capital city to introduce a new manager every week. I have promised him an 18 months vacation.” sang a hopeful Schuster who then turned his attention to Joe Cole who has seen his fair share of injuries.