The Table Never Lies

Yes it is early, but we are going to take a look at the fortunes of the teams that comprise the E.P.L. Why on earth would you expect things to ever change? So let’s take some time from putting all of our emotional eggs in one basket, and see what is really happening from top to bottom.

1. Manchester City - Sven can actually coach when the gene pool he is selecting his team from doesn’t bare an odd resemblance to an Ozark Mountain trailer park.

2. Chelsea – Boring, Boring Chelsea. Except when they play Dreadful, Dreadful Brum.

3. Wigan – Games against Sunderland and Middlesbrough should prepare them for their competition next year. See U.S. Real Estate Market for upcoming fortunes.

4. Everton – David Moyes has authored a new book “How to win without money (even though you’re listed as one of the 20 richest clubs in the world)”. Rule number one is to stumble ass-backwards into Mikel Arteta.

5. Portsmouth – Sol Campbell has been seen running like a lumbering has-been from Fratton Park. Next stop, Sunderland, where Roy Keane will do battle with his vicious wags.

6. Newcastle – A victory over a crappy team and a draw at home over a pathetic one are indeed precursors to an end of the long silverware drought.

7. Arsenal – Too young? How about too old, 37 years too old to be exact.

8. Blackburn – If Robbie Savage stops trying to be a referee’s apprentice during the games, they could push for Champion’s League.

9. Liverpool – Feeling cheated Rafa? Just ask the Bramble Lane faithful about being cheated. The lost three points on a ridiculous call by a ref last year. And then there was the game where a certain side decided to send the B-team to Craven Cottage. If you lose the title by two points this year, I may just give up my Atheist ways.

10. Reading – Four points from a team with no money during a grueling start to the campaign should be reason for Steve Coppell to celebrate. He blinked and you missed it.

11. Sunderland – Roy only needs 12 points to beat Mick’s record. He only needs to find Mick to beat him senseless.

12. Tottenham –

1st place means gold
2nd place means silver
3rd place means bronze
4th place means nirvana to the epitome of midtable mediocrity

13. Fulham – Bets have been pulled by London brokers on the next game to see a goaltending blunder.

14. Middlesbrough – Tony Warner, Clint Dempsey and a lack of Hawk-eye technology are the oil that makes this engine tick.

15. West Ham – Discord among the training room, an FA enquiry and Curbishly on the firing line. It’s a repeat of last year without a good player to carry them to safety.

16. Manchester United – Well his transfer dealing may have left him done and dusted by September, but Sir Alex is still good at producing one thing: stoic ex-players that make better managers that him.

17. Aston Villa – Martin O’Neill has a great record of winning on a shoe-string budget. Now that he has financial resources, he’s set a new goal of winning on a shoe-string bench.

18. Birmingham City – Steve Bruce has received the dreaded vote of confidence from a man who doesn’t yet even own the team. Now that’s time management, Mr. Yeong.

19. Derby County – Billy Davies will soon learn what all Americans have known since the 1970’s: never buy American.

20. Bolton – Little Sammy Lee has put £10,000 on Jol to be the first to get fired. He has taken to living in the walls, subsisting on cheese and taking a rat-bride in order to avoid the chairman in hopes of making good on the bet.