The Silly Season (8/5)

Wigan have moved to strengthen their squad for next year’s promotion dogfight by picking up Fulham’s Michael Brown. The midfielder was seen as surplus to requirements at Fulham,; inasmuch that he is not Northern Irish. When asked why he had decided on Wigan, Brown responded “At Fulham there is only a possibility of relegation. Here at Wigan it’s a certainty. That’s comforting.”

Tottenham Hotspur has signed Kevin-Prince Boateng from Hertha Berlin for £4.5 million. The attacking midfielder is the self-proclaimed “ghetto” kid. And he will look to live up to that moniker by being a dilapidated, graffiti-laden and ignored part of an otherwise respectable squad. This is the latest in Spurs determined effort to secure the services of any and all highly overrated young center-mids.

Sammy Lee has moved to show the distinction between himself and his predecessor Sam Allardyce. “Big” Sam was known for securing transfers for aging or unwanted talents. “Oopaloompa” Sam has taken a different approach by signing young players lacking any resemblance to talent. His latest include Hungarian U21 goalkeeper Adam Bogdan, who has been a stalwart of the Hungarian second division and will soon be a stalwart of the English second division. He has also secured Norse winger Daniel Braaten from Rosenborg, who looks to be Bolton’s answer to Emil Hallfredsson.

Sven has been at it again: this time with a quadruple swoop. He has brought Spanish defender Javi Garrido, Croatian defender Vedran Corluka, Bulgarian headache Valeri Bojinov and Brazilian midfielder Elano to the City of Manchester Stadium. In addition, he is looking to secure a large percentage of the European Commission’s 1,300 translators to help him teach the new players such phrases as “pass it square”, “everyone behind the ball” and “38 draws should keep us up.”

Birmingham City have brought in Aston Villa’s Liam Ridgewell and Fulham’s Franck Queudrue to shore up defense as the season approaches. Earlier it had been reported that Steve Bruce had also secured the rights to Tottenham’s want-away midfielder Hossam Ghaly. However, Ghaly pulled out of the deal when he heard that he would be playing in front of players such as Ridgewell and Queudrue, stating “If I am going to be on a team with a porous defense, I might as well stay in London.”

The producers of “Whatever Happened to Alan Smith” were visibly shaken by the news that the ex-Leeds star was leaving Manchester United for Newcastle. Sam Allardyce had won the race for the 26-year-old, beating off competition from the likes of Bradford pub side “The Crow and Finch.” A versatile striker, who has sucked as both a forward and defensive midfielder, Smith may soon find himself stinking up a new position: waterboy.

Newcastle United have also agreed to a deal for Villarreal full-back Jose Enrique. Enrique is a Spanish U21 international. This is new territory for the ex-Bolton boss, who has yet to sign a player on the good side of 30, let alone the good side of 20. When informed of this fact, Big Sam responded “I was wondering what that number after the U meant.” However it has to be noted that Enrique will be youngest player assigned to the Newcastle youth academy, which is the basis of the Tyneside’s U29 squad.

Manchester United have signed someone called Carlos Tevez. Little is known about this player and it is believed that he is a 6’2 goalkeeper. As more comes in, remember to check this space for updates.