Crestfallen: League Two Badge Table

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The Table Never Lies

1. Chelsea
£85 million on Ronaldinho. “Football Manager” geeks everywhere call it bad business. You can use the editor to get him for free.

2. Manchester City
Kasper Schmeichel opts to represent Denmark, rather than England at the international level after his fantastic start. He didn’t want his hopes of making it to a World Cup final dashed so early.

3. Wigan
Chris Hutchings has made a defense consisting of Titus Bramble and Mario Melchiot, one of the hardest to score on in the Prem. I think we have our next England manager.

4. Liverpool
Jes, they are good. No, Rafa won’t shut the fuck up.

5. Everton
Everyone about to sign Manuel Fernandes, please step forward. Not so fast David Moyes.

6. Arsenal
Sure they want to walk the ball into the back of their own net. You would too if you faced off against Jens Lehmann during training everyday.

7. Newcastle
Allardyce feels the need to replace Stephen Carr and Peter Ramage after being the newest victims to the ever present injury bug on Tyneside. Fans felt the need to replace them long ago.

8. Portsmouth
How good is David Nugent? His sell-on date is shorter than my milk’s.

9. Blackburn
If they hold onto Gamst this week, they may well be the team to break up the top four. And Christopher Samba cost all of £400,000.

10. Manchester United
It’s not the injuries or the chemistry that is holding the holders back. The trick is to play like a Sunday league pub side.

11. Aston Villa
Villa was so impressed by Zak Knight’s contributions that they are willing to pay £4 million for the striker.

12. Birmingham City
Steve Bruce has come out in protest of a schedule that sees him face Derby only twice this season.

13. Middlesbrough
Racist chants directed at Mido? Egyptian is a nationality and not a race. The F.A. can breathe a sigh of relief.

14. West Ham
Welcome to the Newcastle of the South.

15. Reading
Manager Steve Coppell believes international friendlies should be scrapped. His squad disagrees, since they enjoy watching the games just like the rest of us.

16. Sunderland
Paul McShane, the one week wonder of fantasy football, has been picked up and dropped more than Brittany’s babies.

17. Tottenham
Was that a left hand cross from a left footed player? Where does the Prince of Darkness shop for coats? Maybe he and his wags are hitting the Trafford Centre.

18. Bolton
You have to say this for Nicolas Anelka. He sure knows how to sell himself.

19. Fulham
Let’s play spot the pattern. Fulham has four Yanks on the squad. Derby has three.

20. Derby
Desperate to sign a striker, which will leave them with only 10 other positions to fill.

The Table Never Lies

Yes it is early, but we are going to take a look at the fortunes of the teams that comprise the E.P.L. Why on earth would you expect things to ever change? So let’s take some time from putting all of our emotional eggs in one basket, and see what is really happening from top to bottom.

1. Manchester City - Sven can actually coach when the gene pool he is selecting his team from doesn’t bare an odd resemblance to an Ozark Mountain trailer park.

2. Chelsea – Boring, Boring Chelsea. Except when they play Dreadful, Dreadful Brum.

3. Wigan – Games against Sunderland and Middlesbrough should prepare them for their competition next year. See U.S. Real Estate Market for upcoming fortunes.

4. Everton – David Moyes has authored a new book “How to win without money (even though you’re listed as one of the 20 richest clubs in the world)”. Rule number one is to stumble ass-backwards into Mikel Arteta.

5. Portsmouth – Sol Campbell has been seen running like a lumbering has-been from Fratton Park. Next stop, Sunderland, where Roy Keane will do battle with his vicious wags.

6. Newcastle – A victory over a crappy team and a draw at home over a pathetic one are indeed precursors to an end of the long silverware drought.

7. Arsenal – Too young? How about too old, 37 years too old to be exact.

8. Blackburn – If Robbie Savage stops trying to be a referee’s apprentice during the games, they could push for Champion’s League.

9. Liverpool – Feeling cheated Rafa? Just ask the Bramble Lane faithful about being cheated. The lost three points on a ridiculous call by a ref last year. And then there was the game where a certain side decided to send the B-team to Craven Cottage. If you lose the title by two points this year, I may just give up my Atheist ways.

10. Reading – Four points from a team with no money during a grueling start to the campaign should be reason for Steve Coppell to celebrate. He blinked and you missed it.

11. Sunderland – Roy only needs 12 points to beat Mick’s record. He only needs to find Mick to beat him senseless.

12. Tottenham –

1st place means gold
2nd place means silver
3rd place means bronze
4th place means nirvana to the epitome of midtable mediocrity

13. Fulham – Bets have been pulled by London brokers on the next game to see a goaltending blunder.

14. Middlesbrough – Tony Warner, Clint Dempsey and a lack of Hawk-eye technology are the oil that makes this engine tick.

15. West Ham – Discord among the training room, an FA enquiry and Curbishly on the firing line. It’s a repeat of last year without a good player to carry them to safety.

16. Manchester United – Well his transfer dealing may have left him done and dusted by September, but Sir Alex is still good at producing one thing: stoic ex-players that make better managers that him.

17. Aston Villa – Martin O’Neill has a great record of winning on a shoe-string budget. Now that he has financial resources, he’s set a new goal of winning on a shoe-string bench.

18. Birmingham City – Steve Bruce has received the dreaded vote of confidence from a man who doesn’t yet even own the team. Now that’s time management, Mr. Yeong.

19. Derby County – Billy Davies will soon learn what all Americans have known since the 1970’s: never buy American.

20. Bolton – Little Sammy Lee has put £10,000 on Jol to be the first to get fired. He has taken to living in the walls, subsisting on cheese and taking a rat-bride in order to avoid the chairman in hopes of making good on the bet.

Club vs. Country

Michael Owen has just announced his retirement from club football to concentrate on his career for country. Never one to waste time on club football, whether it was with Liverpool, Real Madrid or Newcastle, Owen has decided to come clean and officially retire from Newcastle United so that he can aid in the glory that is the pure unadulterated mediocrity of the English national team. Since the F.A. officially pays his salary, due to the shrewdness of ex-chairman Freddy Shepherd, the transition is expected to go smoothly. This should also end speculation that Owen is set to leave the Tyneside club for some other physio table.

Last seen in 2004 at the European Championship, Owen has an impressive goal tally for club and country. He has 37 goals in 82 caps for England and 138 for various clubs. The latter tally is made all the more impressive by the fact that he has only played two dozen games in his career at the club level. When asked about the decision, Owen responded, “It has always been my ambition to play in the quarterfinals of at least three international tournaments and score in five altogether.”

When Magpie manager Sam Allardyce was informed of the announcement, he responded, “Who?” After directing him to Michael Owen’s Bebo page, Big Sam seemed amused and replied, “That makes a bit of sense. I thought Sammy Lee had been following me around in wig.” Allardyce plans to replace Owen with a bag of air.

These boots are made for romance novels

Slipper manufacturer Daniel Green is set to launch a line of boots in the coming year. Having seen the lightweight materials that such powerhouses such as Nike, Umbro and Adidas have implemented in the design of footwear for the beautiful game, slipper makers are keen to penetrate the multi-billion dollar market. Daniel Green spokesperson Sissy Baker was ecstatic, “There’s no way Nike or Addidas can compete with our lightweight house-shoes when it comes to the demands of a sixty game season or a night of binging and purging.”

Uggs, Minnetonka and Acorn plan to launch their own lines over the next few years, although Uggs spokesperson Diedra Thigpen is concerned about modifications as it might affect their brand presence and general tackiness. “On the plus side”, she added, “people who might potentially want to have sex will start buying our product.”

The slipper giants may soon be joined by a slew of companies that make socks, inserts, toe rings and anklets. BIWAL Dienstleistungen, who make disposable socks, has begun looking into the viability of adding studs to their vacuum packed product. Not to be outdone, Nike has announced plans to start painting their famous swoosh on the ankles of their well-paid spokesmen and drilling studs directly into the soles of their feet. “Ronaldinho is said to have started playing in his bare feet. We only want to bring back that innocence back to the game for $149.99 per installation,” said Nike spokesman Cal Firnty.

Crestfallen: League One Badge Table

24. Leyton Orient

The gay bestiality freak in me has long been searching for some hot dragon on dragon frot.

23. Northampton Town

Nothing captures the elegance of two dogs fighting over an old shoe outside a medieval turret better than a picture of two dogs fighting over and old shoe outside a medieval turret.

22. Doncaster

Vikings pillaged their town and raped their women, but who got the last laugh by putting Thor in a dress?

21. Cheltenham Town

Support your club and learn the ins and outs of a woman’s reproductive system. “Vagtastic” was Georgia O’Keefe’s reaction.

20. Millwall

Two lions fighting over nothing. How apropos is that?

19. Luton Town

Modifying the crest of the city is quite common for football clubs who seek to show town pride. Or this case, GAY pride with the addition of a zippy Easter bonnet.

18. Nottingham Forest

If Robin Hood was alive to see his beloved home become a giant over-zealous q-tip he would certainly puke in his mouth. He could, however, buy the crayon used to draw this is on Ebay.

17. Crewe Alexandra

In the Jungle, the might Jungle, the Lion Craps Tonight

16. Yeovil Town

The honor and tradition of this club can be summed up with a pair of Dorothy’s cowardly Lions showing their wangs to the Pope.

15. Bristol Rovers

I’ve been to Bristol, and having viewed the women there, I can understand why he would prefer to handle his own sword. Sometimes beer just ain’t enough.

14. Carlisle United

I’m no expert on British politics by any means, but it would seem a little unseemly to have two dragons dry-humping St. George’s Cross.

13. Bright and Hove Albion

In case you haven’t figured out what the bird on their crest is, they wrote it in big letters for your trip to the mall on the short bus. The bird's lackadaisical manner represents their ground fiasco.

12. Walsall

This is how you treat a goddamn bird. Line 'em up in the site and make a meal of it.

11. Huddersfield Town

Yorkie the terrier wonders that if he must be stranded atop a Cylon, why can't it be one of the sixes.

10. Tranmere Rovers

This one tells a story. Once in a forest there were two lions. One had a ninja star, guess which one is the king now bitch?

9. AFC Bournesmouth

Nothing captures England’s passion for tea as well as depicting Tonto getting tea-bagged on his forehead.

8. Southend United

Not that a prawn or three Arabian swords make that much sense, but they do get lost in the the filler that is three wavy lines. And did someone run out of green and red ink on the copy machine?

7. Gillingham

It’s like they didn’t even try. Wait, do I spy the team's nicknamed subtly masked as the mane of a horse? How totally awesome for 12 year-old girls everywhere.

6. Hartlepool United

Another nautical theme. This one is a ship’s wheel to represent how they will be steered into administration because nobody wants a shirt with this lame crest.

5. Oldham Athletic

I bet that little fellow can spell Tuesday. But can he spell his own name?

4. Swansea City

Hello, world, here's a song that we're singin', c'mon get copyright infringed


3. Port Vale


Pretzels and Milk! How refreshing.

2. Leeds United

Their badge is so simple and solid, one would almost mistake it for a Premier League badge.

1. Swindon Town

What can you say about a badge selected by the fans. And isn't this:

Worst to First.


Thanks to Keith Reedy for help.