Bernd Schuster has moved to strengthen his position at Real Madrid with his transfer dealings this summer. Well aware of Ramón Calderón’s policy of firing successful managers, Schuster is not going to rely solely on his tactical naiveté to ensure a mediocre season at the Bernabeu. He has also employed the deft policy of bringing in only really shitty players.
Although he has used the full power of Real Madrid’s brand name to tap up half of the players in Europe using the press, as Real Madrid are notoriously famous for doing, almost none of the eight million players on his wish list have agreed to join the Spanish giants. Schuster has made a lot of noise, but has successfully engaged in back-room dealings to ensure that such good players as Chivu, Pato, Kaka, Fabregas and Ballack never joined.
Meanwhile he has brought in Liverpool goalkeeper Jerzy Dudek and Dormund defender Cristoph Metzelder on frees to ensure disharmony in the training room and warmth on his bench. As for real dealings, he has wasted €54 million of his transfer kitty on an additional two signings for his bench. The first was the new Abel Xavier, Pepé from Porto, while the second has just joined. He is Roysten Drenthe from Feyeenord.
Drenthe, whose average performance at a sub par European U21 Championship, has had managers, who have universally labeled scouting as “so last year”, salivating all over Europe. None more so than Feyenoord manager Bert van Marwijk, who has been keen to release the underachiever, whom he called giftedly sucktacular, from last year’s 7th place team in the Eredivisie. Drenthe was so prized at Feyenoord that they signed Belgian international Philippe Léonard to replace him, 2 years ago.
Van Marwijk was thrilled when his player was shown to be the least un-talented player at the U21 tournament and was thrilled to make a whopping €14 million on the young ungifted Dutchman. “They said how much and I replied 14. Only later did I realize that they were talking in the millions while I was talking in the hundreds. We will use the money to buy a vacuum to clean up all the hair he left around,” reported the manager.
Bernd looks to further his plans to be the longest reigning manager at Real Madrid, which he will celebrate in less than a year, by bringing in a player who will spend most of his time occupying the physios. Arjen Robben is his current target, and there will be no clandestine dealings, because this is the guy that could waste the rest of his kitty and never play. “I do this for Alfredo di Stefano, who has personally told me that he is tired of driving through the congested traffic of the capital city to introduce a new manager every week. I have promised him an 18 months vacation.” sang a hopeful Schuster who then turned his attention to Joe Cole who has seen his fair share of injuries.
Sunday, August 12, 2007
Friday, August 10, 2007
Jack Warner Hates All White People, Especially Racists
Jack Warner is not a racist. He just hates everybody not named Jack Warner, who comes from Trinidad & Tobago, owns Joe Public F.C., wears glasses and is the most virulent type of racist. If you don’t fit that category, it doesn’t matter your color, whether it’s cornsilk, pale goldenrod or slightly creamy, Jack Warner hates you.
However, if you would like to buy tickets to the World Cup, Jack Warner loves you and the £999 you have to offer him for a package to the world’s premier sporting event. Jack may hate khaki colored eastern Asians and burly wood colored southern Europeans, but he sure does love their multi-colored money.
There is nothing Jack Warner hates more than being not him, than a racist. And Jack Warner thinks that you ivory colored limey Britons should not be rewarded for your racist monkey chants, jingoistic hooliganism and “Rt 1” football with a World Cup. For goodness sake, you just hosted one in 17 B.J.W. There has been only four World Cups between your last one and the big bang that occurred in 1983 when Jack Warner sold his soul to the devil and joined the FIFA Executive Committee, which is the exact last time he read anything that wasn’t Jack Warner’s bank statement.
Why does Jack Warner hate you English more than blanch almond colored Slavs and moccasin colored Greeks? Because you pose a threat to his scheme to make millions of dollars in the United States, which has 270 million people that he truly loathes, when they host the 2018 World Cup. As President of CONCOCAF, he would be privy to tickets to a World Cup held in his region and wouldn’t have to rely on Trinidad & Tobago making it again, so he could steal the country’s allotment and resell it to them at markup. And he really has few options, since he sold and resold his soul to every last underworld deity including the weird Zoroastrian and Egyptian ones, to get them to Germany last time.
So when Jack Warner says England is an irritant and has never made any impact on international football, you must forgive him. By irritant, he means you an irritant to Jack Warner. And his reference to England’s impact has nothing to do with creating and exporting the game world wide, winning the World Cup in 1966, hosting a flawless Euro 1996 or having the most popular and richest club league in the world. It’s just that you have never made any impact on Jack Warner.
So unless England is willing to offset the financial loses on schemes, machinations, contrivances, artifices and skullduggeries with a hefty bribe (just leave it in the trash can underneath the All Spice Tree outside of Joe Public F.C.), you can expect him to remain a major irritant.
Because, after all, you English are racist. Not him! You! And there is nothing Jack Warner hates more than racists, other than white people.
However, if you would like to buy tickets to the World Cup, Jack Warner loves you and the £999 you have to offer him for a package to the world’s premier sporting event. Jack may hate khaki colored eastern Asians and burly wood colored southern Europeans, but he sure does love their multi-colored money.
There is nothing Jack Warner hates more than being not him, than a racist. And Jack Warner thinks that you ivory colored limey Britons should not be rewarded for your racist monkey chants, jingoistic hooliganism and “Rt 1” football with a World Cup. For goodness sake, you just hosted one in 17 B.J.W. There has been only four World Cups between your last one and the big bang that occurred in 1983 when Jack Warner sold his soul to the devil and joined the FIFA Executive Committee, which is the exact last time he read anything that wasn’t Jack Warner’s bank statement.
Why does Jack Warner hate you English more than blanch almond colored Slavs and moccasin colored Greeks? Because you pose a threat to his scheme to make millions of dollars in the United States, which has 270 million people that he truly loathes, when they host the 2018 World Cup. As President of CONCOCAF, he would be privy to tickets to a World Cup held in his region and wouldn’t have to rely on Trinidad & Tobago making it again, so he could steal the country’s allotment and resell it to them at markup. And he really has few options, since he sold and resold his soul to every last underworld deity including the weird Zoroastrian and Egyptian ones, to get them to Germany last time.
So when Jack Warner says England is an irritant and has never made any impact on international football, you must forgive him. By irritant, he means you an irritant to Jack Warner. And his reference to England’s impact has nothing to do with creating and exporting the game world wide, winning the World Cup in 1966, hosting a flawless Euro 1996 or having the most popular and richest club league in the world. It’s just that you have never made any impact on Jack Warner.
So unless England is willing to offset the financial loses on schemes, machinations, contrivances, artifices and skullduggeries with a hefty bribe (just leave it in the trash can underneath the All Spice Tree outside of Joe Public F.C.), you can expect him to remain a major irritant.
Because, after all, you English are racist. Not him! You! And there is nothing Jack Warner hates more than racists, other than white people.
Wednesday, August 8, 2007
David Moyes Would Stab a Sheffield Baby For Kicks
With one month left in the transfer window, let’s take a look at how each team has approached and fared in this summer’s silly-season.
Arsenal
Arsenal signed Croatia’s most lethal striker, Eduardo da Silva, which for the longest time would have been a statement to strike fear throughout the Balkans. In addition Arsene Wenger completed the signing of Auxerre right-back Bacary Sagna. The Frenchman will compete with Emmanuel Eboué to perform the Herculean effort of making Justin Hoyte look like the only capable Englishman that Arsene Wenger has ever signed.
Aston Villa
Aston Villa's second major signing of the summer, should eventually follow their first major signing. Until then Villa fans must somehow muster the cognitive dissonance required to imagine two West Ham castoffs will help their squad stave off a relegation battle.
Birmingham City
Steve Bruce has procured the services of many of Arsenal’s young guns such as Fabrice Muamba and Sebastian Larrson in their run up to runner-up in the Championship. How Birmingham had captured some of these kids from Arsenal was a mystery that only revealed itself this past month. Part of the deal must have included annoying the living crap out of Tottenham. Steve Bruce proved to be up to the challenge by buying both Mido and Hassam Ghaly from Martin Jol only to ship them back after the Champaign had been opened.
Blackburn
Blackburn has done little aside from landing Paraguayan international Roche Santa Cruz. The club driver was so rusty due to Mark Hughes’ immobility in the transfer market that he mistakenly delivered Santa Cruz to a local Rugby club for his first practice. There he was subjected to hair-pulling, eye-gouging, hand-bagging and a finger in the wrong spot. When asked about the mix-up, Santa Cruz lamented “I wondered why Mark Hughes would have such an easy practice.”
Bolton
Sammy Lee has moved to show the distinction between himself and his predecessor Sam Allardyce. “Big” Sam was known for securing transfers for aging or unwanted talented players. “Oopaloompa” Sam has taken a different approach by signing young players lacking any resemblance to talent, including Hungarian U21 goalkeeper Adam Bogdan and Norse winger Daniel Braaten.
Chelsea
At first, Cheslea were quite quiet in the transfer market, overpaying for Tal Ben Haim, Steve Sidwell and Claudio Pizarro. Not content with that waste of money, Chelsea opened the wallet for left winger Flourent Malouda from Lyon. His addition will undoubtedly lead to more speculation about Arjen Robben's future, which means squeaky bum time for all of the extra physios at Stamford Bridge.
Derby County
Derby County splashed the cash on record signing Robert Earnshaw for £3.5 million. Earnshaw is best known for being the first player to score a hat-trick at all four levels of English football. He will be assured of completing another hat-trick when he helps his 3rd team get relegated.
Everton
David Moyes proved to be a heartless bastard when it came to Sheffield United. He never supported their bid to stay up. Then to make matters worse he took their best defender Phil Jagielka for a palty £4 million. And finally he took back the £4 million and gave the Blades James Beattie, who will continue his career of making defenders look good. Shame on you David Moyes!
Fulham
Fulham manager Lawrie Sanchez signed Leeds’ striker David Healey, Villa’s Steven Davis and Aaron Hughes and Southampton’s Chris Baird in a move to replace the odd minority of Americans at the West London club with an odd minority of Northern Irishmen. He also signed West Ham’s Paul Konchesky. The left-back has crossed over the city from West Ham in order to fulfill his dream of Championship football, having been robbed of the chance by FA incompetence. Upon putting to pen to paper, Sanchez was quick to look at his atlas to figure out which of the six counties contain Konchesky’s hometown of Barking.
Liverpool
Rafa Benitez, other that being able to eat his weight in pork products, proved his humanitarianism by taking Tom Hicks’ money, which would have been spent to rig more elections in the US, and wasting it on El Niño, Fernando Torres. Fernando Torres will do at £27 million, what Ryan Babel could do for £11 million or even Andrew Voronin could do for £0: be overwhelmed by the physicality and speed of the premiership and wash out. Torres will at least be a trivia answer.
Mancheser City
Sven Goran Erikkson was a busy and cosmopolitan manager. He bought Spanish defender Javi Garrido, Croatian defender Vedran Corluka, Bulgarian headache Valeri Bojinov, Brazilian midfielder Elano and Italian striker Rolando Bianchi to the City of Manchester Stadium. Using only YouTube and Football Manager as a guide, he has rebuilt his squad in little time from every corner of the globe. In addition, he has secured a large percentage of the European Commission’s 1,300 translators to help him teach his diverse new players such phrases as “pass it square”, “everyone behind the ball” and “38 draws should keep us up.”
Manchester United
While Sir Alex has made many big signings this past off-season, only one can be said to be part Kleberson and part Bo Derek.
Middlesbrough
Middlesbrough made their big splash in a dry lake bed by picking up halfback Luke Young. His secret desire to leave Charlton Athletic came true when his former club agreed to a fee of £2.5 million with Gareth Southgate. Upon being introduced by the club to the fans, Young did what Luke Young does best and handed in his transfer request.
Newcastle United
Sam Allardyce must be forgiven if old habits die hard. He started the off-season by gathering in free transfers on useless castaways before he realized he had left Bolton and could afford to pay good dosh on a bunch of useless castaways.
Pompey
Portsmouth retooled its forward line with the signings of David Nugent from Preston North End and John Utaka from Rennes. The Sun was absolutely giddy at the prospect of using the latter's name in the headlines on the back page and commissioned the headline "Utaka the high road, Harry tells his striker" to be used after their reporters’ dog the Nigerian striker into snapping.
Reading
Manager Steve Coppell informed reporters and fans that he had fallen asleep in his favorite chair after the grind of last season’s 8th place finish for the small club. He woke up sometime around August 1st. He has asked the club to give him a wake up call in the future to ensure that such an event doesn’t reoccur. When asked, his wife admitted “I would have woken him but I didn’t know he was asleep. Stevie’s always like that.”
Sunderland
Roy Keane began the epic task of building for next year’s Championship title by raiding the 2nd tier of English football for all of its semi-prized assets. He picked up the Nigerian Roy Keane in Dickson Etuhu as well as Paul McShane and some guy named Chopra, but not the famous one that will sell you self-esteem. Not content with England, he has begun raiding the 2nd division that is the SPL by splashing a record amount on the Scottish #1 Craig Gordon, because Hungary’s #2 is a proposition that few can form a song around.
Tottenham Hotspur
Tottenham signed Kevin-Prince Boateng from Hertha Berlin for £4.5 million. The attacking midfielder, the self-proclaimed “ghetto” kid, will look to live up to that moniker by being a dilapidated, graffiti-laden and ignored part of an otherwise respectable summer signing spree by Martin Jol’s side. There is still time for the Spurs’ infamous 11th hour signings which have landed them such speculation stalwarts as Hossam Ghaly, Mido and Danny Murphy in the past two year.
West Ham United
Julien Faubert dreams of never playing at Upton Park drew closer than ever thanks to his ruptured Achilles tendon. No word yet has been received about the whereabouts of fellow disgruntled signing Craig Bellamy at the time of the incident, although fellow of waste of human flesh Scott Parker distinctly heard someone yell “Fore!”
Wigan
Wigan beat out Everton and Aston Villa for the signature of West Brom's Welsh international Jason Koumas. The 27 year old creative midfielder came up through the Liverpool academy with Michael Owen and Stephen Gerrard. Unlike Owen and Gerrard, he is craptacular, which is why Villa and the Toffies were beaten out by Wigan for the signature of anyone.
Arsenal
Arsenal signed Croatia’s most lethal striker, Eduardo da Silva, which for the longest time would have been a statement to strike fear throughout the Balkans. In addition Arsene Wenger completed the signing of Auxerre right-back Bacary Sagna. The Frenchman will compete with Emmanuel Eboué to perform the Herculean effort of making Justin Hoyte look like the only capable Englishman that Arsene Wenger has ever signed.
Aston Villa
Aston Villa's second major signing of the summer, should eventually follow their first major signing. Until then Villa fans must somehow muster the cognitive dissonance required to imagine two West Ham castoffs will help their squad stave off a relegation battle.
Birmingham City
Steve Bruce has procured the services of many of Arsenal’s young guns such as Fabrice Muamba and Sebastian Larrson in their run up to runner-up in the Championship. How Birmingham had captured some of these kids from Arsenal was a mystery that only revealed itself this past month. Part of the deal must have included annoying the living crap out of Tottenham. Steve Bruce proved to be up to the challenge by buying both Mido and Hassam Ghaly from Martin Jol only to ship them back after the Champaign had been opened.
Blackburn
Blackburn has done little aside from landing Paraguayan international Roche Santa Cruz. The club driver was so rusty due to Mark Hughes’ immobility in the transfer market that he mistakenly delivered Santa Cruz to a local Rugby club for his first practice. There he was subjected to hair-pulling, eye-gouging, hand-bagging and a finger in the wrong spot. When asked about the mix-up, Santa Cruz lamented “I wondered why Mark Hughes would have such an easy practice.”
Bolton
Sammy Lee has moved to show the distinction between himself and his predecessor Sam Allardyce. “Big” Sam was known for securing transfers for aging or unwanted talented players. “Oopaloompa” Sam has taken a different approach by signing young players lacking any resemblance to talent, including Hungarian U21 goalkeeper Adam Bogdan and Norse winger Daniel Braaten.
Chelsea
At first, Cheslea were quite quiet in the transfer market, overpaying for Tal Ben Haim, Steve Sidwell and Claudio Pizarro. Not content with that waste of money, Chelsea opened the wallet for left winger Flourent Malouda from Lyon. His addition will undoubtedly lead to more speculation about Arjen Robben's future, which means squeaky bum time for all of the extra physios at Stamford Bridge.
Derby County
Derby County splashed the cash on record signing Robert Earnshaw for £3.5 million. Earnshaw is best known for being the first player to score a hat-trick at all four levels of English football. He will be assured of completing another hat-trick when he helps his 3rd team get relegated.
Everton
David Moyes proved to be a heartless bastard when it came to Sheffield United. He never supported their bid to stay up. Then to make matters worse he took their best defender Phil Jagielka for a palty £4 million. And finally he took back the £4 million and gave the Blades James Beattie, who will continue his career of making defenders look good. Shame on you David Moyes!
Fulham
Fulham manager Lawrie Sanchez signed Leeds’ striker David Healey, Villa’s Steven Davis and Aaron Hughes and Southampton’s Chris Baird in a move to replace the odd minority of Americans at the West London club with an odd minority of Northern Irishmen. He also signed West Ham’s Paul Konchesky. The left-back has crossed over the city from West Ham in order to fulfill his dream of Championship football, having been robbed of the chance by FA incompetence. Upon putting to pen to paper, Sanchez was quick to look at his atlas to figure out which of the six counties contain Konchesky’s hometown of Barking.
Liverpool
Rafa Benitez, other that being able to eat his weight in pork products, proved his humanitarianism by taking Tom Hicks’ money, which would have been spent to rig more elections in the US, and wasting it on El Niño, Fernando Torres. Fernando Torres will do at £27 million, what Ryan Babel could do for £11 million or even Andrew Voronin could do for £0: be overwhelmed by the physicality and speed of the premiership and wash out. Torres will at least be a trivia answer.
Mancheser City
Sven Goran Erikkson was a busy and cosmopolitan manager. He bought Spanish defender Javi Garrido, Croatian defender Vedran Corluka, Bulgarian headache Valeri Bojinov, Brazilian midfielder Elano and Italian striker Rolando Bianchi to the City of Manchester Stadium. Using only YouTube and Football Manager as a guide, he has rebuilt his squad in little time from every corner of the globe. In addition, he has secured a large percentage of the European Commission’s 1,300 translators to help him teach his diverse new players such phrases as “pass it square”, “everyone behind the ball” and “38 draws should keep us up.”
Manchester United
While Sir Alex has made many big signings this past off-season, only one can be said to be part Kleberson and part Bo Derek.
Middlesbrough
Middlesbrough made their big splash in a dry lake bed by picking up halfback Luke Young. His secret desire to leave Charlton Athletic came true when his former club agreed to a fee of £2.5 million with Gareth Southgate. Upon being introduced by the club to the fans, Young did what Luke Young does best and handed in his transfer request.
Newcastle United
Sam Allardyce must be forgiven if old habits die hard. He started the off-season by gathering in free transfers on useless castaways before he realized he had left Bolton and could afford to pay good dosh on a bunch of useless castaways.
Pompey
Portsmouth retooled its forward line with the signings of David Nugent from Preston North End and John Utaka from Rennes. The Sun was absolutely giddy at the prospect of using the latter's name in the headlines on the back page and commissioned the headline "Utaka the high road, Harry tells his striker" to be used after their reporters’ dog the Nigerian striker into snapping.
Reading
Manager Steve Coppell informed reporters and fans that he had fallen asleep in his favorite chair after the grind of last season’s 8th place finish for the small club. He woke up sometime around August 1st. He has asked the club to give him a wake up call in the future to ensure that such an event doesn’t reoccur. When asked, his wife admitted “I would have woken him but I didn’t know he was asleep. Stevie’s always like that.”
Sunderland
Roy Keane began the epic task of building for next year’s Championship title by raiding the 2nd tier of English football for all of its semi-prized assets. He picked up the Nigerian Roy Keane in Dickson Etuhu as well as Paul McShane and some guy named Chopra, but not the famous one that will sell you self-esteem. Not content with England, he has begun raiding the 2nd division that is the SPL by splashing a record amount on the Scottish #1 Craig Gordon, because Hungary’s #2 is a proposition that few can form a song around.
Tottenham Hotspur
Tottenham signed Kevin-Prince Boateng from Hertha Berlin for £4.5 million. The attacking midfielder, the self-proclaimed “ghetto” kid, will look to live up to that moniker by being a dilapidated, graffiti-laden and ignored part of an otherwise respectable summer signing spree by Martin Jol’s side. There is still time for the Spurs’ infamous 11th hour signings which have landed them such speculation stalwarts as Hossam Ghaly, Mido and Danny Murphy in the past two year.
West Ham United
Julien Faubert dreams of never playing at Upton Park drew closer than ever thanks to his ruptured Achilles tendon. No word yet has been received about the whereabouts of fellow disgruntled signing Craig Bellamy at the time of the incident, although fellow of waste of human flesh Scott Parker distinctly heard someone yell “Fore!”
Wigan
Wigan beat out Everton and Aston Villa for the signature of West Brom's Welsh international Jason Koumas. The 27 year old creative midfielder came up through the Liverpool academy with Michael Owen and Stephen Gerrard. Unlike Owen and Gerrard, he is craptacular, which is why Villa and the Toffies were beaten out by Wigan for the signature of anyone.
Five to Watch
With the Bundesliga starting this week, here is a list of 5 youngsters who I tip to make a big impact this year. Keep an eye out for them.
1) Ivan Rakitić – Schalke 04
The 19 year-old Croatian international has been brought in to replace the Brazilian Lincoln, who left for Turkey in the off season. He is a gifted attacking midfielder who is comfortable with both feet. It will be Rakitić’s job to link the defence with Kevin Kuranyi and if he proves to be as good as he was with FC Basel, who he led to a Swiss double scoring 11 goals, then Schalke may end their 50 years of misery.
2) Mario Gomez - Stuttgart
The 22 year old forward was recently voted the best player in the league by a polling of journalists. He scored 14 goals in 25 games last year for the Bundesliga champions and it was his return from injury that spearheaded the Swabians run of 8 on the trot at the end of the season. His early season form saw him garner a call-up to the national team and he has an impressive 3 goals in 3 games. He will once again be the catalyst for Stuttgart’s counter-attacking tactics, and his form this year will be crucial to their chance to repeat. His father is Spanish and his mother is German, in case you were confused.
3) Aaron Hunt – Werder Bremen
The 20 year old forward and German U21 international might fly under the radar for high-scoring Werder Bremen. While Markus Rosenborg will be expected to shoulder the burden of replacing Mirroslav Klose, Bremen’s other forward position will be up for grabs. And the speedy left-footed Hunt, who can play in the hole or as a striker, might be more suitable playing with target man Rosenborg than Hugo Almeida, whom he will share time with. After recovering from a knee injury in 2006/7, he may have shown his potential when he scored a hat-trick in a 3-0 win over Bochum last March.
4) Jan Rosenthal – Hannover 96
Hannover flirted with relegation last year until Dieter Hecking changed his tactics and implemented a 4-2-3-1 based around playmaker Arnold Bruggin. Szabolcs Huszt and 21 year-old Rosenthal were placed along side the Dutchman to provide support and Hannover moved from 17th to 11th. Rosenthal was an unlikely hero, as he had spent the previous season dealing with a career threatening knee injury. His six goals and tireless running helped Hannover avoid relegation and with a new signings in front of this trio, Hannover could be pushing for a UEFA spot this campaign.
5) Vincent Kompany - Hamburg
The 21 year-old defender was the hottest defensive commodity in the world at this time last year. But a serious Achilles tendon injury during a 3-1 Champion’s League defeat to Porto ended his season after six games. He is back and Huub Stevens is hoping he can start to live up to expectations. Stevens plans to move him up to holding mid to take the pressure off the young Belgium international and provide a cushion in front of the more experienced Bastian Reinhardt and Joris Mathijsen. Last week, he, indeed, showed some promise, helping Hamburg through the Intertoto Cup in a 4-0 win over Chişinău, where he scored the first goal.
1) Ivan Rakitić – Schalke 04
The 19 year-old Croatian international has been brought in to replace the Brazilian Lincoln, who left for Turkey in the off season. He is a gifted attacking midfielder who is comfortable with both feet. It will be Rakitić’s job to link the defence with Kevin Kuranyi and if he proves to be as good as he was with FC Basel, who he led to a Swiss double scoring 11 goals, then Schalke may end their 50 years of misery.
2) Mario Gomez - Stuttgart
The 22 year old forward was recently voted the best player in the league by a polling of journalists. He scored 14 goals in 25 games last year for the Bundesliga champions and it was his return from injury that spearheaded the Swabians run of 8 on the trot at the end of the season. His early season form saw him garner a call-up to the national team and he has an impressive 3 goals in 3 games. He will once again be the catalyst for Stuttgart’s counter-attacking tactics, and his form this year will be crucial to their chance to repeat. His father is Spanish and his mother is German, in case you were confused.
3) Aaron Hunt – Werder Bremen
The 20 year old forward and German U21 international might fly under the radar for high-scoring Werder Bremen. While Markus Rosenborg will be expected to shoulder the burden of replacing Mirroslav Klose, Bremen’s other forward position will be up for grabs. And the speedy left-footed Hunt, who can play in the hole or as a striker, might be more suitable playing with target man Rosenborg than Hugo Almeida, whom he will share time with. After recovering from a knee injury in 2006/7, he may have shown his potential when he scored a hat-trick in a 3-0 win over Bochum last March.
4) Jan Rosenthal – Hannover 96
Hannover flirted with relegation last year until Dieter Hecking changed his tactics and implemented a 4-2-3-1 based around playmaker Arnold Bruggin. Szabolcs Huszt and 21 year-old Rosenthal were placed along side the Dutchman to provide support and Hannover moved from 17th to 11th. Rosenthal was an unlikely hero, as he had spent the previous season dealing with a career threatening knee injury. His six goals and tireless running helped Hannover avoid relegation and with a new signings in front of this trio, Hannover could be pushing for a UEFA spot this campaign.
5) Vincent Kompany - Hamburg
The 21 year-old defender was the hottest defensive commodity in the world at this time last year. But a serious Achilles tendon injury during a 3-1 Champion’s League defeat to Porto ended his season after six games. He is back and Huub Stevens is hoping he can start to live up to expectations. Stevens plans to move him up to holding mid to take the pressure off the young Belgium international and provide a cushion in front of the more experienced Bastian Reinhardt and Joris Mathijsen. Last week, he, indeed, showed some promise, helping Hamburg through the Intertoto Cup in a 4-0 win over Chişinău, where he scored the first goal.
Tuesday, August 7, 2007
Bow Chica Bow Wow?
Gary Richards and Graham Bell from The 2 Gs have confused listeners for the past 2 years with an advertisement concerning ITVN, a broadband television product. Fans of the show, who hear the promotion on a daily basis are confused to whether the two radio pioneers are making sexual innuendo.
John Adams of Bloomington, Indiana, who loves the show, bemused, "I don't get the ad. When Gary asks do you stick anything in the front of your box, is he saying that Graham has a meat wallet or is he referring to feeding the bean? Or is he asking about the actual product?"
Another loyal listener David LaFontaine of Jackson, Mississippi added "when they start talking about a box washer, is that supposed to be a reference cleaning the pumpkin? Maybe they are referring to douche piping a wolf cooter? I don't know, Goddamit! It could be funny, I’m just not sure."
"When Gary asks are you into little boxes, is that meant to refer to tight pussy? I can't tell. I want to laugh, but feel stupid if he isn't referring to ytc or a mouse’s ear. Why can’t they just call a piatahah a freaking piatahah," moaned Steven Raines of El Paso, Texas.
Ranata Alves, spokeswoman for ITVN, replied, when asked "I would ask them to pull the advert but I don't know what in the sweet fa they are talking about. All I do know is that I get budgie's tongue when they talk about our award winning service."
But the confusion hasn't stopped a slew of listeners from picking up ITVN's product. Of the approximately 3000 sold last month, 2000 were connected to ITVN service for the Setanta channel, an additional 100 were used exclusively for karaoke, while the remaining boxes have been dry-humped mercilessly by lonely and desperate soccer fanatics whose girlfriends and wives left them long ago.
John Adams of Bloomington, Indiana, who loves the show, bemused, "I don't get the ad. When Gary asks do you stick anything in the front of your box, is he saying that Graham has a meat wallet or is he referring to feeding the bean? Or is he asking about the actual product?"
Another loyal listener David LaFontaine of Jackson, Mississippi added "when they start talking about a box washer, is that supposed to be a reference cleaning the pumpkin? Maybe they are referring to douche piping a wolf cooter? I don't know, Goddamit! It could be funny, I’m just not sure."
"When Gary asks are you into little boxes, is that meant to refer to tight pussy? I can't tell. I want to laugh, but feel stupid if he isn't referring to ytc or a mouse’s ear. Why can’t they just call a piatahah a freaking piatahah," moaned Steven Raines of El Paso, Texas.
Ranata Alves, spokeswoman for ITVN, replied, when asked "I would ask them to pull the advert but I don't know what in the sweet fa they are talking about. All I do know is that I get budgie's tongue when they talk about our award winning service."
But the confusion hasn't stopped a slew of listeners from picking up ITVN's product. Of the approximately 3000 sold last month, 2000 were connected to ITVN service for the Setanta channel, an additional 100 were used exclusively for karaoke, while the remaining boxes have been dry-humped mercilessly by lonely and desperate soccer fanatics whose girlfriends and wives left them long ago.
Sunday, August 5, 2007
The Silly Season (8/5)
Wigan have moved to strengthen their squad for next year’s promotion dogfight by picking up Fulham’s Michael Brown. The midfielder was seen as surplus to requirements at Fulham,; inasmuch that he is not Northern Irish. When asked why he had decided on Wigan, Brown responded “At Fulham there is only a possibility of relegation. Here at Wigan it’s a certainty. That’s comforting.”
Tottenham Hotspur has signed Kevin-Prince Boateng from Hertha Berlin for £4.5 million. The attacking midfielder is the self-proclaimed “ghetto” kid. And he will look to live up to that moniker by being a dilapidated, graffiti-laden and ignored part of an otherwise respectable squad. This is the latest in Spurs determined effort to secure the services of any and all highly overrated young center-mids.
Sammy Lee has moved to show the distinction between himself and his predecessor Sam Allardyce. “Big” Sam was known for securing transfers for aging or unwanted talents. “Oopaloompa” Sam has taken a different approach by signing young players lacking any resemblance to talent. His latest include Hungarian U21 goalkeeper Adam Bogdan, who has been a stalwart of the Hungarian second division and will soon be a stalwart of the English second division. He has also secured Norse winger Daniel Braaten from Rosenborg, who looks to be Bolton’s answer to Emil Hallfredsson.
Sven has been at it again: this time with a quadruple swoop. He has brought Spanish defender Javi Garrido, Croatian defender Vedran Corluka, Bulgarian headache Valeri Bojinov and Brazilian midfielder Elano to the City of Manchester Stadium. In addition, he is looking to secure a large percentage of the European Commission’s 1,300 translators to help him teach the new players such phrases as “pass it square”, “everyone behind the ball” and “38 draws should keep us up.”
Birmingham City have brought in Aston Villa’s Liam Ridgewell and Fulham’s Franck Queudrue to shore up defense as the season approaches. Earlier it had been reported that Steve Bruce had also secured the rights to Tottenham’s want-away midfielder Hossam Ghaly. However, Ghaly pulled out of the deal when he heard that he would be playing in front of players such as Ridgewell and Queudrue, stating “If I am going to be on a team with a porous defense, I might as well stay in London.”
The producers of “Whatever Happened to Alan Smith” were visibly shaken by the news that the ex-Leeds star was leaving Manchester United for Newcastle. Sam Allardyce had won the race for the 26-year-old, beating off competition from the likes of Bradford pub side “The Crow and Finch.” A versatile striker, who has sucked as both a forward and defensive midfielder, Smith may soon find himself stinking up a new position: waterboy.
Newcastle United have also agreed to a deal for Villarreal full-back Jose Enrique. Enrique is a Spanish U21 international. This is new territory for the ex-Bolton boss, who has yet to sign a player on the good side of 30, let alone the good side of 20. When informed of this fact, Big Sam responded “I was wondering what that number after the U meant.” However it has to be noted that Enrique will be youngest player assigned to the Newcastle youth academy, which is the basis of the Tyneside’s U29 squad.
Manchester United have signed someone called Carlos Tevez. Little is known about this player and it is believed that he is a 6’2 goalkeeper. As more comes in, remember to check this space for updates.
Tottenham Hotspur has signed Kevin-Prince Boateng from Hertha Berlin for £4.5 million. The attacking midfielder is the self-proclaimed “ghetto” kid. And he will look to live up to that moniker by being a dilapidated, graffiti-laden and ignored part of an otherwise respectable squad. This is the latest in Spurs determined effort to secure the services of any and all highly overrated young center-mids.
Sammy Lee has moved to show the distinction between himself and his predecessor Sam Allardyce. “Big” Sam was known for securing transfers for aging or unwanted talents. “Oopaloompa” Sam has taken a different approach by signing young players lacking any resemblance to talent. His latest include Hungarian U21 goalkeeper Adam Bogdan, who has been a stalwart of the Hungarian second division and will soon be a stalwart of the English second division. He has also secured Norse winger Daniel Braaten from Rosenborg, who looks to be Bolton’s answer to Emil Hallfredsson.
Sven has been at it again: this time with a quadruple swoop. He has brought Spanish defender Javi Garrido, Croatian defender Vedran Corluka, Bulgarian headache Valeri Bojinov and Brazilian midfielder Elano to the City of Manchester Stadium. In addition, he is looking to secure a large percentage of the European Commission’s 1,300 translators to help him teach the new players such phrases as “pass it square”, “everyone behind the ball” and “38 draws should keep us up.”
Birmingham City have brought in Aston Villa’s Liam Ridgewell and Fulham’s Franck Queudrue to shore up defense as the season approaches. Earlier it had been reported that Steve Bruce had also secured the rights to Tottenham’s want-away midfielder Hossam Ghaly. However, Ghaly pulled out of the deal when he heard that he would be playing in front of players such as Ridgewell and Queudrue, stating “If I am going to be on a team with a porous defense, I might as well stay in London.”
The producers of “Whatever Happened to Alan Smith” were visibly shaken by the news that the ex-Leeds star was leaving Manchester United for Newcastle. Sam Allardyce had won the race for the 26-year-old, beating off competition from the likes of Bradford pub side “The Crow and Finch.” A versatile striker, who has sucked as both a forward and defensive midfielder, Smith may soon find himself stinking up a new position: waterboy.
Newcastle United have also agreed to a deal for Villarreal full-back Jose Enrique. Enrique is a Spanish U21 international. This is new territory for the ex-Bolton boss, who has yet to sign a player on the good side of 30, let alone the good side of 20. When informed of this fact, Big Sam responded “I was wondering what that number after the U meant.” However it has to be noted that Enrique will be youngest player assigned to the Newcastle youth academy, which is the basis of the Tyneside’s U29 squad.
Manchester United have signed someone called Carlos Tevez. Little is known about this player and it is believed that he is a 6’2 goalkeeper. As more comes in, remember to check this space for updates.
Saturday, August 4, 2007
Tea-Bagging Monkey Nuts Is Hard Work
Earlier in the week, Hossam Ghaly agreed to terms with Birmingham City. He was transferred from Tottenham for a fee of £3 million. The center-mid had begun practicing with the Boresley Green outfit while a work permit was awaited.
But three days was enough for Steve Bruce, and he has sent the Egyptian international on the walk of shame back to White Hart Lane before the permit could be processed. It seems that Bruce concluded in those three days what it had taken Martin Jol two years to establish: Ghaly sucks monkey nuts. The statement is rather ironic because it takes a fair amount of accuracy to tea-bag monkey scrotum, which as anyone of Jol’s squad can tell you, Ghaly most assuredly does not possess. Unlike Jol, Bruce was unwilling to even dip into that river of de Nile.
This is the second time this silly season that Steve Bruce has cruelly reversed a move for an Egyptian from Daniel Levy. Last week, Mido’s £6 million move to St. Andrews was called off due to clauses, in the £40,000 a week contract offered, that were unacceptable. It is believed that the clauses were based on scoring goals, which is a prospect that is alien to the ex-Ajax, ex-Roma, ex-Celta, ex-Everyone hitman, and he feared being able to afford to feed his family if such a responsibility were placed on him.
The pair of Egyptians are becoming harder to get rid of than a yeast infection, with all of the painful urination problems heaped on poor Spurs fans. The Dutch gaffer has taken the drastic measures of putting them for sale on E-bay under the banner “2 Twats for Sale.” It seems that there is a bidding war between three unwitting Trekkies, who live in their parent’s basement. Whether Vulcan mind tricks will work on the petulant duo is under debate.
But three days was enough for Steve Bruce, and he has sent the Egyptian international on the walk of shame back to White Hart Lane before the permit could be processed. It seems that Bruce concluded in those three days what it had taken Martin Jol two years to establish: Ghaly sucks monkey nuts. The statement is rather ironic because it takes a fair amount of accuracy to tea-bag monkey scrotum, which as anyone of Jol’s squad can tell you, Ghaly most assuredly does not possess. Unlike Jol, Bruce was unwilling to even dip into that river of de Nile.
This is the second time this silly season that Steve Bruce has cruelly reversed a move for an Egyptian from Daniel Levy. Last week, Mido’s £6 million move to St. Andrews was called off due to clauses, in the £40,000 a week contract offered, that were unacceptable. It is believed that the clauses were based on scoring goals, which is a prospect that is alien to the ex-Ajax, ex-Roma, ex-Celta, ex-Everyone hitman, and he feared being able to afford to feed his family if such a responsibility were placed on him.
The pair of Egyptians are becoming harder to get rid of than a yeast infection, with all of the painful urination problems heaped on poor Spurs fans. The Dutch gaffer has taken the drastic measures of putting them for sale on E-bay under the banner “2 Twats for Sale.” It seems that there is a bidding war between three unwitting Trekkies, who live in their parent’s basement. Whether Vulcan mind tricks will work on the petulant duo is under debate.
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