The Table Never Lies (12/11)

1. Arsenal
Spurs win and the Gunners lose. Satan must be freezing at the moment, but not more than Arsenal supporters, who are facing their first crisis of the campaign.

2. Manchester United
Loius Saha blames wear and tear for his pattern of missed games. I have two problems with his analysis: use of the words wear and tear.

3. Chelsea
Claiming that Drogba will be back in three weeks and then trying to force him out of the African Cup of Nations due to the same injury is an excellent idea….if you want to push him out of the door any quicker.

4. Liverpool
This is the Rafa Express. Last stop….Velodrome. Please check your seats to make sure that no personal items or unsightly facial hair are left behind.

5. Portsmouth
Ole ‘Arry doesn’t believe fathers should encourage their sons to curse. You can’t spell hypocrite without F-U-C-K O-F-F Y-O-U S-E-N-S-I-T-I-V-E G-I-T.

6. Manchester City
The big question is, “what did Young Pyo-Lee say about Dick Daddy’s follicular issues?”

7. Everton
Mike Hanke and Yakubu both scored hat-tricks this past weekend. What else do the Hannover forward and the ‘Boro reject have in common: they will both score again in February.

8. Aston Villa
How do you motivate your two best defenders when they both sign pre-contracts on January 2nd? We’ll find out in 3 weeks.

9. Blackburn
Hmmm…..Benni storms off like a baby and you win. Benni remains on the pitch, the epitome of classic Greek sculpture, and you lose…..Pattern?

10. West Ham
Why does Trevor Brookings want Alan Curbishley to be the next failure for England? If he can make Carlton Cole look serviceable, think what he could do with a team of Carlton Coles.

11. Newcastle United
If they spike the River Tyne with lithium, do you think Geordies might find an ounce of sanity? Nah, Big Sam is two wins away from having calls for his head for playing Le Football Un-Sexy.

12. Reading
Coppell wants out….and he’s taking Rafa with him.

13. Tottenham Hotspur
Punters rue missed opportunity when Chimbonda scored the massively rare off-side handball goal.

14. Bolton Wanderers
Nicolas Anelka will leave Bolton this January. Surprisingly is will not be for United or Chelsea….rather he’s going to take up Gaelic.

15. Birmingham City
Well one win and one loss for new boss McLeish, against teams that that think they are way better than they really are.

16. Middlesbrough
What the fuck was that?

17. Fulham
Lawrie Sanchez is in hot pursuit of West Ham’s Bobby Zamora. It’s all a clever Bond-like scheme to corner the world market on useless strikers.

18. Sunderland
Keane is finding himself in hot water with the F.A. over comments made about England’s captain following the 2-0 loss this weekend. His crime: telling the truth.

19. Wigan Athletic
And Bruce thought he had shit defending at Brum.

20. Derby County
Got there managerial bounce by scoring a road goal against a giant. At least Giles Barnes isn’t being linked to every club in the top-flight, D’OH!