1. Arsenal
A.C. Milan’s Carlo Ancelotti has doubts about this team’s ability in the Champion’s League. Too bad there is nothing happening in Italy that he could comment about.
2. Manchester United
Michael Carrick is tapping up Dimitar Berbatov. He wants someone to talk to while stranded on the subs bench.
3. Manchester City
Citeh owner Thaksin Shinawatra has revealed his plans to open a string of death camps academies across Asia.
4. Chelsea
A boring affair with a late equalizer sounds about par for the Blues. Oh wait, under Mourinho, Chelsea scored the late equalizers. Let’s all sing, “The Wheels on the Bus are falling off!”
5. Liverpool
The Scouse faithful moaned. Alan Green conveyed. Rafa listened. 70 minutes of pathetic football against Fulham showed why rotation is necessary. Can I please hear something else on the 606 now?
6. Portsmouth
Beautiful football, you say? Three goalless draws in their last four home matches says otherwise.
7. Blackburn
After the United loss, Mark Hughes referred to David Dunne’s dismissal by saying they had been “hard done by”. Fuck you for stealing my lame joke, Mark.
8. Aston Villa
Stiliyan Petrov was man-of-the-derby in the 2-1 over Brum. Is he ready to find his Celtic form and do something completely new at Villa Park: contribute?
9. Everton
Oddest sight of the weekend: Moyes suit on Everton’s Remembrance Day draw at Stamford Bridge. He looked like a pre-pubescent boy forced to go to church on Easter.
10. West Ham
Lee Boyer put the smack-down on Derby – like he was gay-bashing an Asian student.
11. Newcastle United
Rumors have it that Michael Owen is being implicated in the Kieron Fallon race-fixing scandal. I wonder what might get injured in the clink?
12. Reading
After being trounced by a bunch of foreigners, Steve Coppell strangely lamented about the number of foreigners in the league and called for a quota system. Affirmative Action for the majority? I hope George Bush doesn’t hear about this stellar idea.
13. Fulham
Lawrie Sanchez wants to scrap the transfer window, saying it is costing too many managers their job as small clubs can’t accumulate talent like the big clubs to deal with injuries or change approach. Some of that is quite true. But what is going to cost him his job is all of those late concessions.
14. Tottenham Hotspur
Adel Taraabt wants out. Who is he you ask? Exactly.
15. Birmingham City
You know you’re a small club, when Wigan taps up your manager. No wonder Yeung is backing off buying the club.
16. Sunderland
We are all sadistically hoping that Dickson Etuhu will learn the Haaland method of dealing with challenges like Joey Barton’s from Skippy-keano.
17. Middlesbrough
Southgate praised his defense after they stymied an insipid Bolton attack that was without its only two quality players in Spitty McSpitt and Whiney McWhine. I guess he had to get the praise in while he could.
18. Bolton
Who cares about the lifeless draw with Boro. This team went to the Allianz and came back from a goal down to draw with the mighty Bayern Munich. Congratulations to all supporters. I recommend that you hold onto that memory dearly, as it is will keep you warn during the onset of a relegation winter.
19. Wigan
Don’t do it Bruce. Two words: Titus Bramble.
20. Derby County
Honestly, I think this team would be fighting relegation in the Coca Cola.
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