The Table Never Lies (1/3)

1. Arsenal – If Adebayor scores, they win. It could be the reason the Mali F.A. is voted their most valuable player.

2. Manchester United – Sir Alex thinks the fans are docile. The fans think the stadium is a police state. I think the football was catatonic against Brum.

3. Chelsea – If wives and/or husbands went down as quickly as Michael Ballack, the divorce rate would be nowhere near 50%.

4. Manchester City – Rolando Bianchi and Samaras are set to leave. But Sven has Nery a worry at forward.

5. Liverpool – Want to see delusion at its highest? Football Rumors runs a daily message board dedicated to transfer rumors. Mostly it’s the Liverpool faithful confident of Kompany and van der Vaart when they can’t even afford the long distance charges. Being poor sucks.

6. Everton – I have figured out what Andrew Johnson’s goal celebrating “A” stands for – Absent!

7. Aston Villa – Are four center-halves the way to go?

8. Portsmouth – What exactly is the point of going into debt to build a new ground when your players are aching to go on the road?

9. Blackburn – Hughes is looking to sign Sofia Levski’s Valeri Domovchiyski, considered the new Berbatov. United is looking to tap him up in February.

10. West Ham – Curbishley is rumored to have a £40 million war chest. That can buy a lot of average, injury-prone players.

11. Newcastle – Is it possible to boo a God? Check back in a month for my new column “Shearered and Flayed”

12. Tottenham – To be honest, they are considered a cup team. By this time next week, who knows what they will be considered.

13. Reading – Dave Kitson has claimed that he could care less about the F.A. Cup. As a Spurs fan, he’s just guarding himself against the eventual bitter disappointment.

14. Bolton – Anelka admits to Chelsea interest. Wow that was out of left field.

15. Middlesbrough – Gareth Southgate has urged Alan Shearer to rule out an interest in the Newcastle job to ease the pressure on Sam Allardyce. Why? How long does anyone think Toothy McTooth will be employed when Big Sam is available?

16. Birmingham City – McLeish is set to dump five players in the January window. What about the other 23?

17. Wigan – Titus Bramble is quickly ruining the easiest joke in the business.

18. Sunderland – Linked with Robbie Savage. For heaven’s sake Roy, your only decent signings were the two guys that don’t have a United past. Cut the fucking cord!

19. Fulham – Offering Ray Hodgson £1 million to keep the legacy of Lawrie from going down? There’s a Lindsay Lohan joke here somewhere.

20. Derby – In deference to our friend Shakira, there will be no jokes regarding….oh fuck that….these guys stink worse than folds of a fat guy’s stomach after a vigorous walk.