The Silly Season (7/16)

Sunderland has bought left-(insert position here) Kieran Richardson from Manchester United. About Sunderland’s first major signing since rejoining the Premiership, manager Roy Keane said, "I'm delighted that we've been able to bring Kieran to Sunderland.” The kicking and screaming involved was left to the imagination by the newly reserved Gaffer. About Sunderland’s first “major” signing since rejoining the Premiership, most pundits looked at the squad and immediately went out and put money on the drop.

Bordeaux have signed Manchester United’s David Bellion, who last played for Sir Alex approximately 5,200 pints ago. Upon the signing even Ferguson was heard to exclaim, “Who?”

Fulham manager Lawrie Sanchez has secured the signing of Leeds’ striker David Healey in a move to replace the odd minority of Americans at the West Londonclub with an odd minority of Northern Irishmen. Healey is expected to do something that was never required of him at Loftus Road: score.

Fulham have also signed West Ham’s Paul Konchesky. The left-back has crossed over the city from West Ham in order to fulfill his dream of Championship football, having been robbed of the chance by FA incompetence. Upon putting to pen to paper, Sanchez was quick to look at his atlas to figure out which of the six counties contain Konchesky’s hometown of Barking.

Arsenal has completed the signing of Auxerre right-back Bacary Sagna. The Frenchman will now compete with Emmanuel Eboué to perform the Herculean effort of making Justin Hoyte look like the only capable Englishman that Arsene Wenger has ever signed.

Sven Goran Eriksson has completed the signing of Reggina forward, Rolando Bianchi. Only a man from the impoverished town of Reggio Calabria could move to Manchester and see an increase in life expectancy. He will be expected to anchor the forward line, which includes such sterling players as Rolando Bianchi.

In order to provide service to said forward line, which is only such line in England which can be referred to as a point, Sven has also added highly-rated Swiss midfielder Gelson Fernandes Unfortunately for Sven, while the name seems Portuguese or possibly Brazilian, he comes from Cape Verdean stock, and these are the standards by which he was rated “high”.