Rafa Benitez in Double-Digit Diabetes Scare

Rafa the Hut has been told by Liverpool physios that he is three chorizos away from a full frontal ass. The Spanish manager has recently been spotted sporting a snazzy new goatee in order to deflect attention from his fat upper pussy/penile area or FUPA. If the FUPA turns into an actual frontal ass, Rafa, who has been reduced to washing himself with a rag on a stick, has been advised to take a more “Captain Caveman” approach to his facial hair.

British authorities are becoming concerned with the ever expanding waistline of the Scousers’ Gaffer, whose gravitational force has slowly begun to close the Irish Sea. Having been granted his own postal code of L4 FAT by the Royal Mail in hopes of averting a geo-political crisis, a discussion is now underway in Parliament arguing whether Benitez should be granted his own nation-state status. The move is not without precedence, as Andorra was formed when Price Juan Ramon Fatty McFat Fat was stranded in the Pyrenees.