You’ve Been Approved

Scousers are a paranoid lot. They always believe that someone is out to get them. They are the Muslims of the football world, where any comment made about Liverpool that isn’t glorious in its praise is an attack on their faith. And you can be damned well sure that any comments made will have them issuing their version of a fatwa: which is calling the 606 and whining about the injustice to their fellow X-filers, Spoony and Alan Greene.

But as the saying goes, just because you’re paranoid, doesn’t mean that someone isn’t out to get you. In the case of Liverpudlians, in another odd coincidence resembling the Mohammedians, the Great Satan is conspiring against them. But here’s where the resemblance ends, because it isn’t the government of the United States that is going after LFC, it’s the citizens.

American spending habits are completely ridiculous and cutoff from the world. While dirty foreigners like to save money, which is about as communist as Lennon’s tomb, American values are all about instant gratification. We are in fact the epitome of Veruka Salt. And our penchant for filling our garages with cheap worthless junk, rather than with say cars, has caused the so-called “Credit Crunch” that is affecting world markets on two fronts. First we are a debtor nation, with most households owing ungodly amounts to Visa as they attempt to pay off $20,000 in DVD’s and trinkets by paying $20 a month. Second, we need bigger houses to store all that unnecessary crap, which has led to a boom in the real estate market. But Americans couldn’t afford the houses they were buying, because of their credit card debt, so banks made un-regulated and un-repayable loans to Jimmy and Jane Trailer Trash, which led to the sub-prime scandal.

How does the effect Liverpool Football Club? Because owners Tom Hicks and George Gillett (himself the proud owner of a bankruptcy claim) can’t borrow any more money. They are broke. And so are the banks. And having leveraged the club to the hilt, they are now unable to even secure loans for the stadium they don’t need but desperately want. England has met the typical suburban white family from America in the guise of two poor (sic) entrepreneurs: they borrow to buy trinkets such as Ryan Babel and they demand a house they can’t afford.

And so Liverpool goes into the New Year without the ability to buy anyone to shore up their faltering League campaign and aid in their monumental task of beating Intermilan. And their failings will further complicate the financial situation. If they weren’t wanted by some Islamofascists from Dubai, the club would be on the verge of a Leeds.

So America, thank you. You’re reckless spending has ruined this once mighty club, even if they don’t realize it yet. And finally we can count on a new team in the big four. And isn’t it grand that the team that just may well benefit from their collapse, to join the elite, is Everton.