Faster Than Captain Keano's Exit

Manchester United's new racing stripes on the back of their 2007/8 kits have increased team speed by 10%. In tests conducted by the ACTAS, a premium Olympic training center, it was found that each member of United's squad had seen a significant increase in speed and quickness due to the new go-faster stripes originally pioneered on Briggs Cunningham race cars.

H. Lord Thommassen, the leading sports scientist who conducted the test on behalf of Sir Alex Ferguson and Nike found a proportional increase in acceleration among all of the members of United's world-class squad. They were tested and filmed, with and without the new strips, for sprint ability over the first three steps of a 15m sprint. The results proved that with the shirt's on, the team had significantly lower (12% slower) left and right foot contact times, increased stride frequency and better knee extension. However, there was no difference found in stride length.

It was found that Wayne Rooney's 100 meter sprint time which had been previously clocked at 11.2 seconds, came in at 10.1 seconds when decked out in the spiffy new shirt.

John O’Shea saw a similar result in his 100 meter which was reduced from 15 to 13.5 minutes. Meanwhile Cristiano Ronaldo and Ryan Giggs are no longer visible to the naked eye, as they are able to evade light beams from the sun.

It was found that Gabriel Heinze was capable of calling his lawyers 33 times an hour, up from 29, when wearing the shirt. Sir Alex has even used the stripe to increase his signings this summer. Even the number of jokes at the expense of Dong Fangzhuo's unfortunate name have increased in the clubhouse from 3 to 4 and hour.

However, the most remarkable results occurred with Louis Saha and Ole Gunnar Solskjær who saw a 25% increase in visits to the physios.

David Gill, the chief executive for the club, has been desperately trying to get one of the new kits to Kia Joorabchian in hopes of speeding up the Carlos Tevez saga.

With such significant results, Manchester United are considering further enhancements to their lightening-fast squad, including upgrading intake and exhaust systems, forced induction and nitrous oxide.