Let's Remove the Potential Tag from Rene Adler

I’d like to talk this week about my man-crush, Rene Adler. Why is he my man-crush, you ask? Well, while the Bundesliga is my favorite league in the world, I have no team I support. It’s a liberating feeling because I can enjoy Bayern and Bremen or Schalke and BVB equally. Not so for the rest of the world, especially England. My one true club is Tottenham Hotspur and I can rarely enjoy an England match because of the subtext of said match in relation to Spurs. I am a nervous wreck about my club as I agonize more over losses and draws than I revel in victories. I go into this week’s Cup final with more misery than excitement. But such is my lot in life.

As a Spurs supporter and Bundesliga fanatic, there is one thing that stands out more than anything to me. My club’s lack of a goalkeeper and the plethora of great ones in Germany is a cruel juxtaposition; as I suffer a gaffe a game from my worthless pair of keepers, while I watch Adler, Neuer, Ulreich and Rensing make the future German #1 even more hairy than Löw’s choice between the old guard come this summer.

Of the young guns in the Bundesliga, Rene Adler is by far the most impressive and it is my fondest desire to see him manning the goal-mouth in North London. It will be my utter agony when he’s not and another bumbling Englishman leaks goals.

Watching the match-up between Karlsruhe and Bayer Leverkusen, I sat down to examine Rene Adler, to see if I am letting potential paint a better picture of Adler than is deserved. Is his ability now, enough to warrant consideration as a top notch goalie? I had come to believe that as with all youth, I was probably allowing his potential to be great to make him seem great prematurely: both enhancing outstanding plays and glossing over mistakes.

After his performance in Istanbul last week against Galatasaray, I felt that it was time to focus on him alone in a game. It just so happened that Leverkusen was playing a top six side this weekend, so I sat down to watch the upstarts and the re-emerging giants with full intent on finding the flaws of young Herr Adler.

There were none. His organization, communication, speed, strength, positioning, decision-making and bravery were all impeccable and together proved to be the complete package for a keeper. I came away from this game, with the realization that Rene Adler isn’t one for the future, he is one of the best goalies in Europe right now. And this was from a game where he conceded two goals.

What I have come to realize is that Bayer Leverkusen have a decent defense that is well organized. They do not have a great defense by any means. In fact, newly promoted Karlsruhe has much more talent in their back four than Michael Skibbe’s side. But what takes a well organized but unspectacular backline and turns it into the third stingiest in a very high-scoring league? The bookends of Simon Rolfes who plays as a holding mid in front of the back four and a keeper who makes the extraordinary common-occurrence.

Adler’s positioning is phenomenal. He had saves in the 54’ off Kennedy, 72’ off Franz and in the dying seconds of the game off the line that were due to his position in front of the net. In these cases he wasn’t required to move because he had set a sound base from which it was going to take the exceptional play to get the ball by him.

In the 60’, Fleiss did make the exceptional play. Left alone on the right channel, Freis curled the ball around Adler for KSC’s first goal, but Adler didn’t do anything wrong on this play. He guarded the near post cutting off the easy shot and forcing Fleiss to go around him with a shot that Adler still almost got a hand on.

It was an identical position (covering the near post) that had led to Adler’s second most impressive save of the game in the 8’ minute when Eichner, who tortured Sarpei the entire game, got free on the left and tried curl a shot around Adler. Adler was able to get down and get a hand on the low ball (that was bound for the back of the net) to parry it away. His quickness and agility are world-class.

What was the most impressive save, then? Well if you saw the game or highlights, you might think it was the 67’ save of a point-blank range shot that a free Hajnal made off a Freis flick-on. Adler charged the Hungarian playmaker, making his body an enormous obstacle, but Hajnal went low. Adler allowed his trailing leg to stay low and blocked the shot. It was perfect in every way. In light of Manuel Neuer’s allowing the exact same goal against Wolfsburg, it showed the difference between ability and potential, clearer than any accolades could possibly provide.

But that still wasn’t the most impressive save of the match. In the 40th minute, Hajnal was free just outside the box on the right with nobody in front of him. As usual Adler had a strong position, so Hajnal did the smart thing, he sent a screamer low across the goal mouth in an attempt to score on the far post. And he shot it so that the ball would bounce near Adler, which is always the most dangerous thing to do, because one never know how the ball will bounce. Adler dealt with the velocity, low trajectory and bounce by moving out to hand-save the ball before it could make contact with the turf. He eliminated the dangerous play by diving at an angle that an average or even decent keeper would never attempt. It was so sublime that it has found no mention in any game reports I doubt you even saw this one on the highlights, but it was worthy of comparisons to Cech, Buffon or Casillas. It showed intelligence and decision-making of the highest order..

It needs to be said that these were the highlight moments of the game. Karlsruhe dominated possession but was unable to get many shots in the game. Many of their through balls into the box found a Leverkusen defender, which is where the outstanding organization I mentioned earlier comes into play. But the goalkeeper is part of this organization, and such organization proves that Adler doesn’t detract from the back four (which is something Paul Robinson at Tottenham is guilty of).

Perhaps its time to remove the potential label associated with this young keeper. He’s beyond that now. Adler is the best goalkeeper in the Bundesliga and he is one big performance in a big away from stardom. I would contend that Joachim Löw could do worse than put his trust in Rene Adler this summer, let alone the future. And I feel that he will eventually become one of the most expensive goalkeepers in the world. Hint, hint Juande.

The Table Never Lies (02/05/08)

1) Arsenal
We have just learned that Jens Lehmann declined to join Dortmund because he likes to play in a stadium where only his voice can be heard.

2) Manchester United
How good is Christiano Ronaldo? He’s been marked out of games by central midfield Jamie O’Hara and rightback Pascal Chimbonda in the past week. Kaka has cleared space for another World Player of the Year award.

3) Chelsea
I feel robbed. Was I the only one that didn’t fuck Anelka on his wedding day?

4) Everton
Sure the disallowed goal wasn't actually offside, but to be fair to the linesman was raising the flag for the simulation he assumed Andy Johnson was about to engage in.

5) Liverpool
A supporters trust wants fans to buy the club from the Yanks in a structure similar to Barcelona. The Scouse faithful can enter this noble cause for £5,000. Home and Auto Insurance premiums have skyrocketed throughout the city.

6) Aston Villa
Chivas USA’s Brad Guzan wasn’t allowed to join the Birmingham club by the home office. It was just too much to think that there could be four better American keepers in the EPL than any of the dregs that Don Fabio is forced to use.

7) Manchester City
Flops, knocks and shady dealings at the forward position. At this point, even Robert Earnshaw might not return Sven’s calls.

8) Blackburn
Considering their current run of form, I will “draw” the conclusion that they are bound for another year of magnificent mediocrity.

9) Portsmouth
Jermain Defoe: beautiful goal bookended by a series of pathetic misses. Only the shirt had changed.

10) West Ham
Whose cannoli does Robert Green have suck the creamy filling out of to get a call up?

11) Tottenham
It’s hard to break with their traditions: White kits, attacking play, conceding late.

12) Newcastle United
Knock knock? Who’s there? Relegation. We’re your new neighbors and just wanted to welcome you to the neighborhood.

13) Middlesbrough
Alves is jetting in to be the newest striker that can’t hit the back of the net.

14) Bolton
Was Nicolas Anelka, Bolton’s Henry? Sure the team is playing better without him, but I am referring to his infidelity issues that came to light after the move.

15) Wigan
Steve Bruce won the Marlon King lottery, which is the equivalent of winning £1 on a £2 scratch card.

16) Sunderland
Rade Prica, who scored on his debut, is something of a novelty at Sunderland. He has neither played with or against Roy Keane before.

17) Reading
Second season-itis? Or shitty defense-it is?

18) Birmingham City
Villa. Always with the fucking Villa!

19) Fulham
So during all that time in Finland, did Roy Hodgson think to ask anyone Jari Litmanen’s age? On the plus side, Leon Andreasen will be considered a brilliant signing by season’s end.

20) Derby County
Subtly improving. It might be too late to avoid relegation, but not too late to restore some pride. And with Roy Caroll in goal, Spurs might be well advised to make sure any potential goal put a bulge in the old onion bag, to quote a drunken leprechaun.

Thank God For Photoshop

Brilliance from The Guardian

If It Ain't Fixed, Don't Break It

In a stunning defensive display last night, the New York Giants proved that the American system of playoffs is a worthless model that is killing the sport’s industry in the United States.

Behind stellar performances by Michael Strahan, Osi Umenyiora and Justin Tuck, who castrated the once dominant offensive of the New England Patriots, the New York Giants won the 42nd Super Bowl and denied the Patriots a perfect season. Since the Patriots did not win that coveted 19th game, their season is essentially worthless. Never to be remembered for their accomplishments during the grueling regular season, they will always be seen as the team that blew their chance at immortality. With the realization that there is not recognition for anything but the final winner, the season has now been proven to be nothing but a reason for bad father’s to avoid their family obligations and “tie one on”.

Whereas the world has taken on a system of sport that rewards the season’s results as the penultimate accomplishment, the United States has decided that the torture of 17 weeks of drab, dull and tedious sport that stops more often than fat guy on his first run after the new year, should be exclusive inclusion in what is essentially the Milk Cupo with better PR.

While as a Spurs supporter I may wish the following scenario to be true, what if Arsenal’s invincibles had only been given the best draw in cup after their remarkable season of 2003/4 and had lost to Middlesbrough in early June of that year. Well in America, Arsenal wouldn’t be called the invincibles (once again there is a part of this argument that fails for me) and wouldn’t even be much of a footnote in the history books. They would only be part of the back story of Boro’s improbable victory.

While the season is everything in real football, the United States (and to that extend Australia and Canada) see it a promotion tool for a grand final that will almost always leave you wondering why you wasted your time.

So dear typical American Sport Fan,

1) Fucking driving around a loop is not a goddamn sport.

2) You’re system isn’t flawed; it’s worthless when only the final result of the final game matters.

3) Understand this, Sevilla’s 3rd place finish in La Liga last year has more value than a perfect season in the NFL. That is a damning statement.

4) The next time one of you retards calls “soccer” boring, remember how the only highlight of your oddly named Super Bowl was a 32 yards pass, and that barely beat out a commercial starring a screaming squirrel.

You A Glutton For Pain, But Hutton is Stayin'

For the third time this January, Alan Hutton is said to be contemplating and offer from Tottenham Hotspur. Having rejected the North London club twice already, it is assumed that he is searching for new and fresh ways to say no to Daniel Levy

Among his top choices

1) Using his well renowned Mr.T impression, he will announce to Levy on the BBC, “You a Glutton for Pain, but Hutton is Staying!”

2) As an amateur ventriloquist, Hutton has a racist doll he calls Mr. Wet Back, which he uses at local comedy hours. He will use this little tramp to reject Levy with his dandy catchphrase “Meeester Hutton no theeenks so!”

3) He will print up a shirt that read “I am Rangers’ Winston Bogarde” which he will flash to cameras when he scores against Hearts on Wednesday.

4) He will tell Levy that Steven Ireland's grandmother died and he has to go to the funeral. He will promise to give Levy a ring when he returns on the first.

5) He will point out in so uncertain terms that he would rather have unprotected sex with a homeless pre-op tranny.

6) He will state that much depends on the outcome of Super Tuesday and how many delegates he picks up in key states.

7) He will remind Levy that he could always take back chairmanship of Rangers if he wants to have the Scotsman as an employee.

8) He will Photoshop his face on the Rerun’s, Levy’s face on to Roger’s, Comolli’s face onto Dwayne’s and rework a downloaded JPEG of the 70’s show’s title to say “More Like, What’s Not Happening”

9) He will mumble “guy who isn’t signing me says ‘what’!” during their next phone call.

10) Two words: retraining order!

Recipe: Scouse Pie

Servings:
45,000+

Level of difficulty:
Hard in groups, soft one-on-one

Ingredients
1. Latent suppressed homosexuality
2. X-file level paranoia
3. Excessive binge drinking (can be replaced with drug addiction if alcohol not available)
4. A hint of wife-beating
5 A pinch of "Burden on Society"
6. Deluded sense of importance (should be sprinkled on copiously)
7. Lack of knowledge about anything (especially football)
8. Excessive history of violence
9. Belief that said history of violence is made up by the press, much like the Klan believes the Jewish media made up the holocaust.
10. Unintelligible accent
11. Hard on for communism
12. Body ink
13. Stolen hubcap
14. Unparalleled Xenophobia
15. Wine. Lots and lots of whine
16. Spanish Paprika
17. Short-crust pastry for the pie

Prep:
Season a dilapidated area of drug users and unemployed commie hate-mongers with a 10 year run of excellence in both violence and football with lots and lots of alcohol. Simmer. Tell the mix that its team is having problems on and off the field. Wait for the paranoia to bubble to the surface. Skim off the resulting death threat. Use stolen hubcap to spoon in a fluke night in Istanbul until roux believes itself to be significant in any way. Sing to it a stolen Manchester United hymn and wait for a gang of sodomites to find a group of women and children to harm. Sprinkle in excuses of how it was everybody else’s fault for the resulting mayhem to taste. Feel free to rotate ingredients as you see fit.

Spoon into pastry and wait for the calls to 606.

Cost:
Don't skimp on the recipe (spend small African nation GDP on it) but utilize dime-store ingredients

I Like the Pole and the Hole

The Sun is reporting that Manchester United’s superstar midfielder Christiano Ronaldo paid £400 to have sex with this Brazilian prostitute.



While both stomach-turning and blood-curdling, one has to wonder why a decent looking world famous millionaire would need to pay money to a woman who would be rejected as too ugly for a Zombie scene in any of the Resident Evil movies. Well, it has come to my attention that Brazil has a sex industry that rivals Thailand’s in terms of its odd and perverse nature. Click Here to see what I mean. And I promise that this is just a google search result and you will not be subjected to any graphics that the dandy winger would consider “the best of both worlds”.