Holy *****!

Fcb trikot the musical
by goalbumbum

A Final Analysis of the Euros

or 16 Reason Why Real Football kicks Your Sport's ASS!

or 16 Reasons Why the Wankdorf wasn't just a stadium!

1. Sweden
   
   
   
2. Germany
   
   
   
3. Netherlands
   
   
   
4. Spain
   
   
   
5. Austria
   
   
   
6. Portugal
   
   
   
7. France
   
   
   
8. Switzerland
   
   
   
9. Turkey
   
   
   
10. Romania
    
    
    
11. Poland
    
    
    
12. Italy
    
    
    
13. Croatia
    
    
    
14. Russia
    
    
    
15. Czech Republic
    
    
    
16. Greece
    
    
    

The Set: Spain Campeones!

1. Someone here must feel vindicated by Lahm's performance. Oh yeah. ME!
   
2. Someone here must feel vindicated by Lehmann's performance too. But in a rather fairly called match, to hear der douche bag blame the ref for the loss is another moment of pure classlessness by that ass. I feel for Stuttgart fans.
   
3. It's funny, I don't have Xavi in my Tournament XI, but I completely agree with his being named the player of the tournament. He wasn't flashy like some the other attackers, but he controlled the game and tempo like the nice version of Riquelme that he is.
   
4. Did anyone else catch Platini trying to get in on the action when Spain lifted the trophy. What a glory hound. And a cock!
   
5. Congratulations to all the long-suffering Spanish fans. You truly deserved this as the best and most consistent team. And enjoy your partying. If champions are copied, I hope we begin to see an increase in the number of teams using technique and possession to break down defenses.
   
6. One month until the Liga Pokal. What the hell am I going to do until then?
   

Euro 2008 Team of the Tournament

Since the 4-2-3-1 seems to be the formation of the tournament, I am going to use it rather than the typical 4-4-2 to name my “best of”.

GK: Iker Casillas (ESP)
Casillas is a no-brainer, especially after his penalty heroics against Italy.

RB: Hamit Altintop (TUR)
The most under appreciated player at this tournament. Playing out of position, he proved capable defensively and was the main thrust of Turkey’s attack from the RB position.

CB: Doran Goian (ROM) and Emanuel Pogatetz (AUS)
- I’ve never had much time for Pogatetz, but he was a beast at this tournament; a leader in every sense and tenacious in defense. Austria only allowed three goals with what is considered the weakest side in the tournament. He was a big reason for their outstanding defensive record.
- Romania gave up no goals from open play in the Group of Death when he was on the pitch. Is it any wonder that the Netherlands scored when he was suspended.

LB: Danijel Praniic (CRO)
He was electrifying coming forward and solid defensively. Is it any wonder that Lyon have already swooped him up?

DM: Nigel de Jong (NED) and Marcos Senna (ESP)
- If you’re going to play a double pivot, you need one Gattuso like ball-winner. And nobody epitomized that dogged determination more than de Jong this tournament.
- Senna was outstanding anchoring for Spain. He may well be the player of the tournament.

AM: Bastian Schweinsteiger (GER), Wesley Sneijder (NED) and Andrei Arshavin (RUS)
- While people seem to think that Ballack carried the team, it was the Pig who returned to the team and drug them forward against Portugal and Turkey, despite being benched by Low early on.
- What can you say about Wesley Sneijder that hasn’t already been said? Just phenomenal!
- For two games, Arshavin was the greatest player on the planet. How much more could he have accomplished, had he not been suspended.

F: Nihat Kahveci (TUR)
It’s hard to pick Nihat over Villa, but Nihat was Turkey’s leader. And he was there any time they needed him.

The Set: Germany 3-2 Turkey

1. Nice Goal Philip. But guess what? At least one person here won’t soon forget the most dire performance by any individual at this tournament to date. Many will give you MOM for scoring a goal. But they will forget the 90 minutes of dire defending. You were responsible for both goals. And had Richards not hit the post early, you would have had a 3rd on your hands. You were crap, and the only reason people aren't giving you more grief is because Jansen was worse. You made Kazim Kazim Richards look like Cristiano Ronaldo, and even Championship defenders couldn’t do that. You’ve now been roasted by Prajnic, Garics and Kazim: which is as bad as it sounds. And you will cost Germany the title against Russia or Spain, who won’t be using wallbangers as substitutes.

   
   

2. There was a lot of talk about how Ballack would hoist this team on his shoulders. He must have dyed his hair white, because since he returned, Bastian Schweinsteiger has been dragging this team, kicking and screaming, to the final. Ballack gets the plaudits, but the pig does all the work

   
   

3. It's time for another rendition of my “Rene Adler is better than Superman" rant. Lehmann finally showed his true colors, especially in the first half with poor punches, being nutmegged on a slow dribble and being incapable of deciding to move off his line. He got away with it today.....but hey, why is he still alive? He made a promies.

   
   

4. Most underrated player in this tournament: Hamit Altintop. Playing out of position, he has defended well and been the catalyst for most of Turkey's attacking play.

   
   

5. Tactics 101: When you have all your subs and your opposition only has 3 and they still sub more than you, you’re doing something incredibly wrong. Players like Heiko Westermann, Kevin Kuranyi and Piotr Trochowski are filler with good seats. And they shouldn't be.

   
   

6. I was explaining the blackouts, the lost goals, and the subsequent return of the picture for the final goal to my wife, an uber-liberal German girl. Later I said it was amazing to see the Germans do that so late. She responded with or “Not See Germany, in your case”. Think about how thats sounds and you will see why I laughed so hard at the comment.

   
   

7. MOM: The hell with that! The Golden Ball should go to every player on that Turkish squad. They were fantastic. We thank you and we will sure as hell miss you.

   
   

Jens Urged Not to Renig on Promise

Jens Lehmann admittance that he would 'give his life' to reach the final of Euro 2008 has the entirety of England pulling for Germany.

Not typically enamored with the Germans, the thought of the former Arsenal goalkeeper and all around massive bag of douche offing himself has galvanized the English citizenry to the point that 99.99% of all English football fans are desperately pulling for Deutchland tomorrow.

Said Collin Smythe, who had been rooting for Russia due to their exciting play, "I would even go as far as to say that I would have no issue with another 34 year drought if it would mean that Jens might swallow some rat poison willingly!"

Scouser Anthony Lockwood, who was pulling for the Spaniards due to the obvious connections with his beloved Liverpool has stated, "A German win tomorrow would be even better than the 5-1 win."

Even Arsenal supporters are on the bandwagon. Singer Dido has already written a song dedicated to the anticipated passing of their former keeper called "It took you long enough, wanker!"

A poll at the BBC, with over 700,000 hits, has immolation as the suggested way Jens should carry out his promise if Germany does indeed beat the Turks in tomorrow's semi-final.

The Set: Austria 0-1 Germany

1. Hola, me llamo Señor Gonzalez. Soy pendejo! Yes, we are all very aware that you were there Manuel. Throwing two managers off the pitch before half-time is a great way to ensure that the whole world knows your name. What was the worst thing that might happened, a slap fight? Oh perhaps your were right to avoid that emasculation-fest. Either way, Graham Poll should send him a “Thank You” card.
   




2. Hey, 228 minutes into this party Michael Ballack decided to accept the invitation. He may have already lost it again.




3. Super Mario has devalued himself more than any player at this tournament. One goal and he’s a €20 million striker. A David Villa performance and he’s €30. Now Stuttgart would be lucky to get €15.
   

   Why is this? Some of it is the partnering. I mentioned he’d be better off with Neuville than Klose. But the thing that stood out tonight was that he doesn’t have the balls to score. He has done a decent job of running into space and creating chances, but the minute the ball falls to him to shoot, he succumbs to the pressure. The shot and lack of followup in the 7’ is proof that he doesn’t want the pressure of a country on his back.




4. Ratings for Germany: Philip Lahm (6). Anyone not named Philip Lahm (a generous 4.5). Unless you’re Torsten Frings and then the word “shit” is being kind. I’ve seen some fairly poor performances at the Euros since Germany won in 1996. This was the most comprehensively poor performance I have ever seen. Portugal at Euro 2000 just played them off the park. They were only one decent freekick better than a Austrian side that could be fielded at the Olympics tonight.
   




5. One thing about getting stuck in the cheap seats, Low must have realized that his squad was playing like it was on a Foosball table with short right legs. Immediately after the restart, Podolski remembered his position (for a good 10 minutes), Ballack drifted out to help and thus Lahm could venture forward on the left-hand flank. Commentators said that Podolski was subbed to save him from injury as their leading scorer. More than likely, he was finally subbed because he played most of the game in a 3 meter-wide area in the middle of the pitch. Is there any wonder that Napoli’s Gyorgy Garics, playing a modified wing-back for Hickersberger, was the closest thing we had to a MOM.
   




6. Since Low has proven himself incapable of changing the squad, the only hope Germany has in the quarters is if Portugal rightly look past them to their semi-final matchup with Croatia. The double pivot is useless and Deco and Moutinho should have little problem causing havoc in the middle of the pitch. And if you think Garics looked good streaking down Germany’s left, wait until you see the winger Portugal has for the positionally inept Podolski. I would suggest Westermann and Hitzlsperger to counter Ronaldo, but why act like logic will be used.
   




7. Austria is on the verge of something. I was unkind, like many, to the Austrians coming into this tournament. Even their own fans jokingly tried to get them expelled back in the fall. And for that we will always love their sense of humor. But those fans, real pundits, and idiots like me have been proven wrong. This team was well organized and finely conditioned. Hard to score upon, their relative inexperience up top meant that they could suffer on the finishing side. But Harnik and Hoffer are both only 21 and fresh off last year’s semi-final showing at the U21 World Cup; meanwhile, Roman Keinast has shown potential as a target-man.

   Their defense is relatively young, with the tenacious Emanuel Pogatetz being only 25 and revelation Garics being only 24. With Sebastian Prodl (another of last year’s U21), Andreas Ivanschitz, Christian Fuchs and Christoph Leitgeb, there is a core of young talented players that should be ready to contribute in the coming months as qualification for World Cup 2010 begins.

   In fact the only outfield players over 30 were Hiden, Aufhauser and Vastic, who is only notable for scoring. This was an amazingly young squad by even Arsene Wenger standards. So the big question is whether this young squad can gel in time to make a run at South Africa or if they will hit their stride in 2012. After watching three gritty performances, France, Romania and Serbia must now realize that their qualifying group is going to be the Group of Death.
   

The Set: Holland 4-1 France

1. How much must a team be leading by to get Domenech to remove Makalele? Toulalan, for that matter, is also a defensive midfielder and played the entire game. Not once did Domenech think to sacrifice his two negative players for positive ones. Rather he traded in two wingers for two strikers. He took away his width and provided no more in attack in his two substitutions. You just think about what Jose Mourinho or Juande Ramos would have done in that position, and they would sacrifice the goalie, if they had to, for a forward if the game was on the line. To the brave go the spoils.
   
2. And that was Marco Van Basten. Criticized for his tactical approach by the annoying legend Johann Cruyff, Van Basten’s system has been phenomenal. It’s the perfect fit for his attackers, who conisist of two #10’s, a left-wing, two drop back forwards and a classic #9. Prop Van Nistelrooy up top and let the other 3 do what they want, with two defensive-mids to protect them. However, unlike the Italy game, Engelaar’s passing was off tonight. And rather than sticking with him, Van Basten rolled the dice, brought on Robben and changed to a 4-1-4-1. And it was a masterstroke as Domenech started stripping away his midfield attackers, meaning that Nigel de Jong was more than enough at the pivot.
   
3. How many times has it been said that the first two minutes after a goal are the most dangerous time in a game, and France took their foot off the gas in 45 seconds. Granted it was an impossible angle that Robben scored from, but how did France allow him that close to the goal within seconds of restart?
   
4. When did Nigel de Jong turn into a world-class defensive mid? After an early career that saw him as versatile player in the midfield and at the back, this tournament has seen him blossom into one of the best defensive-mids around, easily outshining the likes of Gatusso and Frings. He had settled into the role at Hamburg late in the season, but even midway through the season he was sharing duties with Demol, Kompany or Benjamin. He had yet to really turn out performances like this. Martin Jol finally gets back his holder that Damien Comolli let slip away two summers ago. Although only David Villa has increased his value more during this tournament, so Jol’s not out of the woods yet.
   
5. Thierry Henry v. Lukas Podolski. Unlike the German forward, Henry has never been that prolific for les Blues. Sure he is the country’s leading scorer, but he’s done most of that work in friendlies and weak qualifiers. Today he blew multiple chances and only scored on a redirect. Had he been on the form that made him a superstar at Arsenal, this would have been a 4-4 thriller.
   
6. 4-2-3-1 and the return of total football.
   

   Long considered a defensive style of football, the re-emergence of total football is being seen in the 4-2-3-1. The funny thing about its evolution as a tactic, the 4-2-3-1 is considered a Spanish formation. It utilized 2 defensive midfielders, although one will border on box-to-box. As the system has migrated north, yes this is difficult logic to grasp, it has turned into the closes thing to the beloved total football, that the world has seen since the 1982 Brazilians.
   

   Bayer Leverkusen and Bayern Munich utilized it this year in the first half of their season and were both brilliant to watch. The key to turning what is essentially six men behing the ball into a flair system, is the four attackers. It requires a target man with holding abilities, see Luca Toni. It also requires a fluid three man attack in midfield. At Bayern, Altintop, Ribery and Schweinsteiger could play anywhere in front of the holders and were all almost equally gifted (granted Ribery has surpassed the other two).
   

   For the Dutch, Sneijder and van der Vaart could create from the tunnel while Kuyt attacks from the right side. Shifting in Robben only means most of his attacking is from the left and Sneijder and van der Vaart roam a little more left.
   

   Finally it requires attacking fullbacks to ensure width. It would be hard to miss van Bronckhorst’s contribution from the back for the Dutch. Boulahrouz has been less attacking but is there to keep the other team options.
   

   While we have seen Capello’s Real Madrid and Chelsea to use the system in a negative way as it is traditionally seen, more and more teams are moving towards a fluid us of it, such as Roma, Manchester United, the Danes and *gasp* the Argentines.
   

   Total football is back and the 4-2-3-1 will be the formation du jour for the next decade.
   

7. MOM: Kahlid Boulahrouz was outstanding in defense. He was the addition to squad after Ryan Babel was injured but his composure in defense is so vastly different from the player we saw at Chelsea. He’s back to the form that got him noticed at Hamburg, but without the nastiness that plagued him and earned him the nickname Cannibal. He was rock solid on the right for the Netherlands tonight and forced Ribery’s free role to be more centralized or left-handed. He also forced Malouda out early.
   

The Set: Croatia 2-1 Germany

1. Marcel Jansen is receiving the most criticism of any of the players for the Germans after their embarrassing loss to Croatia. Yes, he did have a poor game defensively, but that can happen when you defend the entire right side of your opponent’s midfield with one young fullback. He received no support, whatsoever, from Lucas Podolski. This might be understandable as the lad is an out and out striker, but why didn’t Low compensate by directing either Frings or Ballack to help shut down that corridor. And it once again begs the question, why fit a square peg into a round hole. Podolski is not a left wing. He’s a striker and plays like one. Plus, having watched Werder Bremen weekly, I’ve seen some shocking defending from their left back that Per Mertesacker typically cleans up quite nicely. But Low has Metzelder as the left sided center-half, who was unwilling to move from the center.
   
2. Case in Point #1 - Deep in the first half, Croatia should have made the score 2-0 when Corluka received a ball from Pletikosa in his own half. He beat Jansen for pace on the left and ran the length of the field. This was a ball that was started slowly from a keeper who gingerly got off the ground to start the play. But during the time it took him to pick himself off the floor and get it to Corluka, Podolski, Frings and Ballack all stood in the middle of the pitch doing sweet fa, thus forcing Jansen to defend his left all by himself. And when he was schooled by Corluka, Metzelder held his position allowing him to run all the way to the 18 yard box, where he crossed the ball, eventually falling to Nico Kranjcar, who fortunately for the Germans has proven needs on average 65 shots to score one. The point is that Jansen was schooled but at least he was doing his job.
   
3. Case in Point #2 - The fist goal also saw Jansen involved, as Srna snuck by him on the far post and poked in a cross from Pranjic. But the problem on this play wasn’t that Jansen got beaten, but that over on Germany’s right side, Philip Lahm and Fritz got pulled into the center by a dummy run made by Ivan Rakatic leaving Croatia’s LB Pranjic with all the time needed to make a sterling cross. And Mertesacker and Metzelder also drifted in on this run, leaving a large gap between the central pair and Jansen, which Srna took advantage of.
   
4. Germany hasn’t scored from a corner in 95+ efforts. Watching Torsten Frings delivery, I can tell you one of the reasons for that. Time to reevaluate who takes set pieces.
   
5. Right now Joachim Löw is looking tactically inept, which is supposed to be a strength of his. I hate when managers don’t select on merit. And so far, Heiko Westermann, who had a monster season at Schalke, much of it playing on the left for the oft-injured Christian Pander, hasn’t had a sniff. Rene Adler was the Bundesliga keeper of the year, while Lehmann has lost his spot to an iffy keeper at Arsenal. Simon Rofles has proven to be a better partner with Ballack in the buildup to the tournament, but hasn’t seen a minute. And the Marin issue isn’t going to go away as he has lost Schweinsteiger and Podolski’s goals are covering his lack of ability as a left wing. And then there is the fact that Podolski and Klose, who both are coming off poor years, are automatics. Gomez has been brilliant the last two years, but he’s not the kind of player that links with Klose. He would be better suited to play with a jackrabbit like Neuville. So he looks like he is struggling, but a manager needs to play to strengths.
   
6. Schalke 04 is going to finally win the Bundesliga next year! You heard it here first. Ivan Rakatic will be in his second season, and watching his performance, which was immense, although overshadowed by Prajnic, he is going to be one of the best attacking mids in the world in five years time. His dummy run on the first goal sucked in most of the German side. His meander across the 18 and subsequent shot created the 2nd. And he was all over the pitch tonight, defending and creating. Add in the revelation from the Dutch, Orlando Engelaar and the just signed Jefferson Farfan from PSV to an already good squad and they may well make more noise in the Champion’s League that this years quarter final run.
   
7. MOM: Danijel Prajnic. What a performance! It was the best performance I have seen by a LB, since….well Van Bronckhorst. But seriously, it was the best performance by a LB that I can remember in a long time. He provided for the first goal; was a solid threat going forward throughout; and shut Germany's right side down comprehensively. They couldn't do anything on his side, with either Fritz or Odonkor. I imagine Herenveen’s phones have been ringing off the hook.
   

The Set: Holland v Italy

1) Well concerns over Orlando Engelaar's ability to set up in front of the defense were proven unfounded. The soon to be Schalke man orchestrated that midfield perfectly and linked play between the defense and van der Vaart and Sneijder perfectly.

2) But he wasn't as good as Nigel de Jong, who did the hard work in the midfield, winning the ball, getting stuck-in and being an overall pain in the ass for the Italians. De Jong has had an inconsistent two years at HSV. Perhaps new coach Martin Jol will see tonight and realize he has quite the double pivot in De Jong and Vincent Kompany.

3) The flag stayed down one van Nistelrooy's opening goal because Barzagli, who got injured in a collision with Buffon and fell down behing the by-line, did count in establishing offsides. This had to be explained to us by officials, which tells you two things. The first is that the rule is way too complicated; and the second is that it was the right call as officials never comment on calls. Tough break for Italy.

4) Cannavaro's absence was felt by the midfield, who fell back to cover the backline and were overrun, by the Dutch attack. And it's not smart to play deep when facing two world-class #10's (van der Vaart and Sneijder) and a deep distributor in Engelaar.

5) Forget Luca Toni, Jan Koller or Michael Ballack.....Giovanni van Bronckhorst is the aerial king on Switzerland/Austria.

6) Don't count the Italians out. Romania will be lucky to score with that flaccid attack and France is rudderless and about to panic. Meanwhile Italy had a bad day at the office. Donadoni made all the right tactical decisions, which just didn't pan out. And his willingness to let go of Matrix bodes well for his defense going forward. Now if he can just get some service for Toni.

7) As a Dutch fan, I have to say that pessimism is the way to go. I felt they could do it 98, 00, 02 (especially 02), 04 and 06. I wrote them off months ago and look what happens. Friday is going to be the worst day ever.

Euro 2008: Group C Analysis

Italy

Coach: Roberto Donadoni

The Guys You Know: Buffon, Gattuso, Pirlo and Luca Toni

The Ones You Should: Antonio Di Natale and Andrea Barzagli

Reasons for Hope: It’s a tournament and they are in it. That alone is enough reason to be excited for Italian fans. The world class player at every position doesn’t hurt either.

Reasons for Concern: The injury to Cannavaro hurts. Make no mistake about it. It’s not that he’s irreplaceable as a pure defender,as Italy is blessed with them. The problem is that few people read the game the way Fabio can. And his ability to read the game, allows the midfield freedom. With Materazzi filling in as Barzagli’s partner, De Rossi and Gatusso are going to be forced to play deeper to insulate the back line, throwing off the balance of their partnership with Pirlo.

The other small factor that could cause issues for the Italians is the service that Luca Toni will get. At Bayern he gets service from wide (which the Italian wings will provide easily) but also from quick passes to his feet from Ribery or when he partners with Klose. Italy’s set up is based around a deep lying playmaker. Those quick passes will be lacking and he will either have to create, which is the one weakness in his game, or wait for play from the wings

Unknown Fact: Have you ever considered that the monument in Pisa isn’t leaning, but that your fucking eyes are crooked, you cross-eyed mook!

Bottom Line: Only Italy can stop Italy. But as most Italians will tell you, it happens too often.

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Romania

Coach: Victor Piturca

The Guys You Know: Adrian Mutu and Christian Chivu

The Ones You Should: Dorian Goian and Ciprian Marica

Reasons for Hope: The team that everyone will overlook in the group of death also happens to be best suited to playing the teams in it. With a double pivot of Christian Chivu and Siena’s Paul Cordia, they are the only team likely to play a 4-4-2 in the group. The emergence of Dorian Goian, gives Romania and man-marker of extraordinary ability whose physical presence will allow him to handle Toni, Henry, Benzema or van Nistelrooy. The fact is that his partnership with Gabriel Tamas has become so good that Piturca moved the captain Chivu into a defensive midfielder role. They will be able to counter from the wings with the Rat, Dica and Nicolita providing service to a reborn Adrian Mutu and the guy that every defense in this group will overlook: Ciprian Marica. Remember that name; you will see it a lot.


Reasons for Concern: Their fullbacks play more like wingbacks. Shaktar’s Razvan Rat and Getafe’s Cosmin Contra will bomb forward relentlessly. However they will be up against three teams that will attack from the wings. If these two can’t get back and defend as well as they attack, Romania could end up where everyone expects them: at the bottom of group C.

Unknown Fact: Romanians hate Costa Ricans. For no reason whatsoever.

Bottom Line: They can score and they can defend and they may well win this group

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The Netherlands

Coach: Marco Van Basten

The Guys You Know: Ruud van Nistelrooy and Edwin Van der Sar

The Ones You Should: Orlando Engelaar and Demy De Zeeuw

Reasons for Hope: Wesley Sneijder, Rafael van der Vaart, Arjen Robben, Ruud van Nistelrooj, Dirk Kuiyt, Ibrahim Afellay and Robin Van Persie make up their attack force. Read that again and marvel at the creativity.

But the main glimmer of hope is that the team is united for the first time ever.


Reasons for Concern: Johnny Heitinga, Wilfred Bouma, Joris Mathijsem and Andre Ooijer are their starting back four. Read that again and try not to laugh.

But the main problem is that Van Basten is rather tactically inept and plays defensively when he doesn’t have the tools to do so.

Unknown Fact: 5’8 is the cutoff height for dwarfism in Holland.

Bottom Line: While Van Der Saar is a goalie that will help mask the obvious deficiencies of the Dutch defenders, their tournament hopes are pinned to their double pivot of Orlando Engelaar (there’s a reason Twente are in the UCL next year) and AZ’s De Zeeuw. If these two protect the back line and are able to link with the attack (and Engelaar is a magnificent passer for someone so big), this team could actually win the whole thing. If they can’t handle it, the Dutch will do what the Dutch always do: fall short.

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France

Coach: Raymond Domenech

The Guys You Know: Ribery, Henry, Viera, Gallas, etc. etc.

The Ones You Should: Jeremy Toulalan, Benzema and Bafetimbi Gomis

Reasons for Hope: Nobody has their talent. Nobody!
Reasons for Concern: Domenech does not run a meritocracy. Phillip Mexes is France’s best defender but wasn’t included in the squad because Domenech doesn’t like him, while headcase Gallas and centenarian Thuram start at the back. Bacary Sagnol, the EPL’s best right back isn’t even on the team, while Wally Sagnol, who was last seen uninjured in Euro 2000 will start. Viera and Makalele are their starting central midfield pairing, when Jeremy Toulalan and Matthieu Flamini are coming off incredible years. Patrice Evra won a double but will sit behind the struggling Eric Abidal. And Thierry Henry will start up top, forcing Benzema and Gomis, who could both start for even the mighty Brazil, to be subs. Managing is about making the tough decisions, and he is incapable of doing so.

Unknown Fact: All letters are silent in the French language.

Bottom Line: : In two years, they will win the World Cup. They will do so because their starting lineup for this tournament will finally be done. I can’t see them winning a game unless they suffer massive injury problems to their starters

Rene Adler

Nice compilation of the World's Best Keeper

Ribery v. Toni

Euro 2008: Group B Analysis

Germany

Coach: Joaquim Löw

The Guys You Know: Michael Ballack and Miroslav Klose

The Ones You Should: Simon Rofles and Mario Gomez

Reasons for Hope: There is no outfield weakness. Michael Ballack is playing some of the best football of his career and has two great ball winners in Torsten Frings and Simon Rofles to partner with. If Metzelder is healthy, his partnership with Per Metesacker is outstanding and should make up for their goalie issue. Expect Mario Gomez to take Podolski’s starting position and win the Golden Boot. He’s that good. And while a huge name in Germany, he will be a household name throughout Europe by the end of this tournament.

Reasons for Concern: Germany is the one team that would probably be guaranteed the championship if a starter was injured. Keeper Jens Lehmann is shell of his former self, good for a blunder a half and a cancer to morale. Robert Enke and emerging superstar Rene Adler are much more reliable and would both be much better choices. Low may rue taking experience over competence. He may also pay heavily for leaving Borussia Mönchengladbach’s wonderkid Marko Marin off his roster, as he now lacks a natural left winger. For a team with the best aerial prowess in the world, forcing Bastian Schweinsteiger, who has to cut in to provide service and has difficulty utilizing the by-line, on the left takes away a significant offensive strength.

Unknown Fact: German Chancellor Angela Merkel hates Schnitzel so much that she refers to it as Shit-zel.

Bottom Line: There’s a reason the German’s are favorites. It’s their tournament to lose, but can they show the efficiency of previous generations?

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Croatia

Coach: Slavin Bilic

The Guys You Know: Nico Kranjcar and Luka Modric

The Ones You Should: Ivan Rakatic and Mladen Petric

Reasons for Hope: Contrary to popular opinion in South London, Croatia aren’t a one man team. And while Eduardo was key to qualification, Mladen Petric and Olic are both quality strikers coming off good years in the Bundesliga; meanwhile, youngster Nikola Kalinic could become a revelation this June. Modric, Kranjcar and wonderkid Rakatic are all wonderfully adept creators, with the ability to pass and stretch the defense. And at the back the pairing of Kovac and Simic is strong and stable. This is a team that is expected to go deep and rightfully so.


Reasons for Concern: They lack a holder to set in behind their creative players. Their choices are 36 year old Jerko Leko, the declining Nico Kovac or the untested Nikola Pokrivac. How this position is filled will go a long way in determining their fate. There are also worries about the quality of #1 Stipe Pletikosa, who can be brilliant one day, indecisive the next.

Unknown Fact: All Croats are conjoint-twins. Ask them where they are hiding theirs, the next time you meet one.

Bottom Line: Could make another 1998 style run. They should at least make the knock-out and cause headaches in that round.

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Poland

Coach: Leo Beenhakker

The Guys You Know: Artur Boruc and Ebi Smolarek

The Ones You Should: Mariusz Lewandowski and Roger Guerreiro

Reasons for Hope: In Beenhakker, the Poles have the most experienced manager in the tournament, and his ability to craft a team and change tactics quickly will make them a tough side to break down. While the defense has concerns, it is bookended by a phenomenal keeper in Boruc and the behemoth Lewandowski. If the defense performs, they have enough flair in recently naturalized Brazilian Guerrerio on the left and Blaszczykowski on the right to create chances. And in Smolarek they have a solid target man to hold the ball up for the speedy midfield, so this team should be able to cause problems for anyone.


Reasons for Concern: The defense is patchwork at best, especially with the injuries Beenhakker’s back line has endured. Few of their defenders play outside of Poland and they may be forced to bring the versatile midfielder Dudka into defense. They could find themselves outmanned against the German and Croatian attacks. But Beenhakker has done more with less (see T&T at the last World Cup).

Unknown Fact: Polish people are incapable of burping.

Bottom Line: It comes down to the Croatia game. If they win that one, they should make the knock out phase.

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Austria

Coach: Josef Hickersberger

The Guys You Know: You Don’t

The Ones You Should: You Shouldn’t

Reasons for Hope: They can only embarrass themselves thrice.

Reasons for Concern: Could be compared to Derby County at an international level.

Unknown Fact: Sigmund Freud thinks you want to nail your mom. Are you going to take that from him?

Bottom Line: Makes Belgium 2000 look like Brazil when it comes to host nations.

Euro 2008: Group A Analysis

Portugal

Coach: Phil Scolari

The Guys You Know: Christian Ronaldo and Deco

The Ones You Should: Miguel Veloso and Hugo Almeida

Reasons for Hope: Forget Ronaldo! Portugal’s claim as one of the favorites of the tournament is based on their backline. Pepe, Carvalho and Meira give them three reliable and tough CB’s, while Bosingwa and Ferreira (likely to play on the left) give them fullbacks capable of defending and attacking. With Petit and Veloso holding in front of them, the only scoring this back line in bound to see will be at Ronaldo’s after-parties.

Reasons for Concern: Who will score? The Portuguese system churns out talent at every position but one. The likes of Nuno Gomes and Helder Postiga do little to scare Superliga reserve sides, let alone the best defenses in Europe. However, the emergence of Hugo Almeida at Werder might provide them with a new forward, who can definitely score in a 4-4-2. If he proves capable of holding the ball up for the attacking force that is Ronaldo, Deco, Nani and Queresma, there will be no stopping this team.

Unknown Fact: Portuguese is commonly spoken in Portugal.

Bottom Line: If their attack can score, they will win this tournament easily.

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Switzerland

Coach: Koebi Kuhn

The Guys You Know: Tranquillo Barnetta and Phillippe Senderos

The Ones You Should: Patrick Muller and Gokhan Inler

Reasons for Hope: Playing at home doesn’t hurt, but Kuhn’s side is a very composed and organized side. The return of Muller allays the defensive fears that Arsenal fans were well aware of with the pairing of Senderos and Djourou. Muller, the defensive organizer, is the heart of a solid defense. His influence on Senderos is remarkable and the development of Udinese’s Inler into a top holder provides insulation at the back. With two strong attacking fullbacks in Degen and Stuttgart’s Magnin, they should be able to match their defensive prowess from Germany 2006.

Reasons for Concern: Barnetta’s ankle is touch and go. If he is fit, he spearheads the offense with Man City’s Fernandes and Lazio’s Behrami working off him. If he isn’t, Fernandes and Behrami, while hard working, lack the industry and imagination to allow this team to score often, especially with the weak front line.

Unknown Fact: The famous book Heidi is about American Football.

Bottom Line: Expect emotion to allow them to get past the Czech’s in the first game. This should lead to a showdown with Turkey for the 2nd position in the group. Considering only one of those two teams can defend, expect Switzerland to make it to the knockout, but no further.

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Turkey

Coach: Fatih Terim

The Guys You Know: Hamit Altintop and Emre

The Ones You Should: Servet Cetin and Nihat

Reasons for Hope: When it works, this team can score at will. They are blessed with attacking flair in Bayern’s Altintop (who looks set to overcome a late injury), Newcastle’s Emre, Galatasaray’s Arda and Boro’s Tuncay Sanli. The pairing of Villareal’s shit-hot Nihat with Fenerbahce’s Senturk gives them one of the most underrated pairing up front at the tournament. They should be one of the funnest teams to watch this June.


Reasons for Concern: They lack a holder (now that Mehmet Aurelio is questionable) and the ability to defend aerials. Other than the solid Cetin, their defense is shaky on a good day and relies on the old adage of the best defense is a good attack. Any team that plays them on the counter should fire their manager at the half.

Unknown Fact: The modern founder of Turkey, Mustafa Ataturk, could eat his weight in Jello Pudding Pops.

Bottom Line: Defense wins tournaments. Their games will win them plaudits and fans, but it won’t get them to the knock-out phase.

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Czech Republic

Coach: Karel Brueckner

The Guys You Know: Petr Cech and Tomas Galasek

The Ones You Should: Martin Fenin and Jaroslav Plasil

Reasons for Hope: Petr Cech seems to be regaining the form that made him the best in the world. The men sitting in front of him, Jankulovski of Milan, Rozenhal of Lazio, Grygera of Juve and Kovac of Spartak, are solid and will keep them in games as well as allow Karel’s men to play the attacking style that is his trademark without the absolute fear of the counter. In addition, the next generation will be represented by target man Martin Fenin. If he is given the opportunity, he can make up for the loss of Rosicky, albeit higher on the pitch.

Reasons for Concern: The loss of Rosicky is brutal. He had taken over as their talisman following the departure of Nedved. But his injury only masks a rather average midfield outside of the star. Plasil on the left is not to be underrated and could flourish if pushed to create, but Galasek is old, Jarolim and Marek are average and rather shocking by Czech standards. On top of that, a partnership that should have been disbanded before Germany in Koller and Baros makes even the Portuguese feel bad for the Czechs.

Unknown Fact: The population of the Czech Republic is primarily composed of supermodels. The remaining 10% are sycophants and well-wishers.

Bottom Line: Transitions periods are tough times for national teams. The Czechs are well past the last generation that was by far the best team at Euro 2004. They are two to four years from utilizing the bulk of the U20 finalists from last year, with Fenin being the first to make his mark. Sadly, this should be a rough tournament for the country, but the mark of a good footballing nation is the ability to qualify in the lean years, and the Czechs have done just that.

Let's Remove the Potential Tag from Rene Adler

I’d like to talk this week about my man-crush, Rene Adler. Why is he my man-crush, you ask? Well, while the Bundesliga is my favorite league in the world, I have no team I support. It’s a liberating feeling because I can enjoy Bayern and Bremen or Schalke and BVB equally. Not so for the rest of the world, especially England. My one true club is Tottenham Hotspur and I can rarely enjoy an England match because of the subtext of said match in relation to Spurs. I am a nervous wreck about my club as I agonize more over losses and draws than I revel in victories. I go into this week’s Cup final with more misery than excitement. But such is my lot in life.

As a Spurs supporter and Bundesliga fanatic, there is one thing that stands out more than anything to me. My club’s lack of a goalkeeper and the plethora of great ones in Germany is a cruel juxtaposition; as I suffer a gaffe a game from my worthless pair of keepers, while I watch Adler, Neuer, Ulreich and Rensing make the future German #1 even more hairy than Löw’s choice between the old guard come this summer.

Of the young guns in the Bundesliga, Rene Adler is by far the most impressive and it is my fondest desire to see him manning the goal-mouth in North London. It will be my utter agony when he’s not and another bumbling Englishman leaks goals.

Watching the match-up between Karlsruhe and Bayer Leverkusen, I sat down to examine Rene Adler, to see if I am letting potential paint a better picture of Adler than is deserved. Is his ability now, enough to warrant consideration as a top notch goalie? I had come to believe that as with all youth, I was probably allowing his potential to be great to make him seem great prematurely: both enhancing outstanding plays and glossing over mistakes.

After his performance in Istanbul last week against Galatasaray, I felt that it was time to focus on him alone in a game. It just so happened that Leverkusen was playing a top six side this weekend, so I sat down to watch the upstarts and the re-emerging giants with full intent on finding the flaws of young Herr Adler.

There were none. His organization, communication, speed, strength, positioning, decision-making and bravery were all impeccable and together proved to be the complete package for a keeper. I came away from this game, with the realization that Rene Adler isn’t one for the future, he is one of the best goalies in Europe right now. And this was from a game where he conceded two goals.

What I have come to realize is that Bayer Leverkusen have a decent defense that is well organized. They do not have a great defense by any means. In fact, newly promoted Karlsruhe has much more talent in their back four than Michael Skibbe’s side. But what takes a well organized but unspectacular backline and turns it into the third stingiest in a very high-scoring league? The bookends of Simon Rolfes who plays as a holding mid in front of the back four and a keeper who makes the extraordinary common-occurrence.

Adler’s positioning is phenomenal. He had saves in the 54’ off Kennedy, 72’ off Franz and in the dying seconds of the game off the line that were due to his position in front of the net. In these cases he wasn’t required to move because he had set a sound base from which it was going to take the exceptional play to get the ball by him.

In the 60’, Fleiss did make the exceptional play. Left alone on the right channel, Freis curled the ball around Adler for KSC’s first goal, but Adler didn’t do anything wrong on this play. He guarded the near post cutting off the easy shot and forcing Fleiss to go around him with a shot that Adler still almost got a hand on.

It was an identical position (covering the near post) that had led to Adler’s second most impressive save of the game in the 8’ minute when Eichner, who tortured Sarpei the entire game, got free on the left and tried curl a shot around Adler. Adler was able to get down and get a hand on the low ball (that was bound for the back of the net) to parry it away. His quickness and agility are world-class.

What was the most impressive save, then? Well if you saw the game or highlights, you might think it was the 67’ save of a point-blank range shot that a free Hajnal made off a Freis flick-on. Adler charged the Hungarian playmaker, making his body an enormous obstacle, but Hajnal went low. Adler allowed his trailing leg to stay low and blocked the shot. It was perfect in every way. In light of Manuel Neuer’s allowing the exact same goal against Wolfsburg, it showed the difference between ability and potential, clearer than any accolades could possibly provide.

But that still wasn’t the most impressive save of the match. In the 40th minute, Hajnal was free just outside the box on the right with nobody in front of him. As usual Adler had a strong position, so Hajnal did the smart thing, he sent a screamer low across the goal mouth in an attempt to score on the far post. And he shot it so that the ball would bounce near Adler, which is always the most dangerous thing to do, because one never know how the ball will bounce. Adler dealt with the velocity, low trajectory and bounce by moving out to hand-save the ball before it could make contact with the turf. He eliminated the dangerous play by diving at an angle that an average or even decent keeper would never attempt. It was so sublime that it has found no mention in any game reports I doubt you even saw this one on the highlights, but it was worthy of comparisons to Cech, Buffon or Casillas. It showed intelligence and decision-making of the highest order..

It needs to be said that these were the highlight moments of the game. Karlsruhe dominated possession but was unable to get many shots in the game. Many of their through balls into the box found a Leverkusen defender, which is where the outstanding organization I mentioned earlier comes into play. But the goalkeeper is part of this organization, and such organization proves that Adler doesn’t detract from the back four (which is something Paul Robinson at Tottenham is guilty of).

Perhaps its time to remove the potential label associated with this young keeper. He’s beyond that now. Adler is the best goalkeeper in the Bundesliga and he is one big performance in a big away from stardom. I would contend that Joachim Löw could do worse than put his trust in Rene Adler this summer, let alone the future. And I feel that he will eventually become one of the most expensive goalkeepers in the world. Hint, hint Juande.

The Table Never Lies (02/05/08)

1) Arsenal
We have just learned that Jens Lehmann declined to join Dortmund because he likes to play in a stadium where only his voice can be heard.

2) Manchester United
How good is Christiano Ronaldo? He’s been marked out of games by central midfield Jamie O’Hara and rightback Pascal Chimbonda in the past week. Kaka has cleared space for another World Player of the Year award.

3) Chelsea
I feel robbed. Was I the only one that didn’t fuck Anelka on his wedding day?

4) Everton
Sure the disallowed goal wasn't actually offside, but to be fair to the linesman was raising the flag for the simulation he assumed Andy Johnson was about to engage in.

5) Liverpool
A supporters trust wants fans to buy the club from the Yanks in a structure similar to Barcelona. The Scouse faithful can enter this noble cause for £5,000. Home and Auto Insurance premiums have skyrocketed throughout the city.

6) Aston Villa
Chivas USA’s Brad Guzan wasn’t allowed to join the Birmingham club by the home office. It was just too much to think that there could be four better American keepers in the EPL than any of the dregs that Don Fabio is forced to use.

7) Manchester City
Flops, knocks and shady dealings at the forward position. At this point, even Robert Earnshaw might not return Sven’s calls.

8) Blackburn
Considering their current run of form, I will “draw” the conclusion that they are bound for another year of magnificent mediocrity.

9) Portsmouth
Jermain Defoe: beautiful goal bookended by a series of pathetic misses. Only the shirt had changed.

10) West Ham
Whose cannoli does Robert Green have suck the creamy filling out of to get a call up?

11) Tottenham
It’s hard to break with their traditions: White kits, attacking play, conceding late.

12) Newcastle United
Knock knock? Who’s there? Relegation. We’re your new neighbors and just wanted to welcome you to the neighborhood.

13) Middlesbrough
Alves is jetting in to be the newest striker that can’t hit the back of the net.

14) Bolton
Was Nicolas Anelka, Bolton’s Henry? Sure the team is playing better without him, but I am referring to his infidelity issues that came to light after the move.

15) Wigan
Steve Bruce won the Marlon King lottery, which is the equivalent of winning £1 on a £2 scratch card.

16) Sunderland
Rade Prica, who scored on his debut, is something of a novelty at Sunderland. He has neither played with or against Roy Keane before.

17) Reading
Second season-itis? Or shitty defense-it is?

18) Birmingham City
Villa. Always with the fucking Villa!

19) Fulham
So during all that time in Finland, did Roy Hodgson think to ask anyone Jari Litmanen’s age? On the plus side, Leon Andreasen will be considered a brilliant signing by season’s end.

20) Derby County
Subtly improving. It might be too late to avoid relegation, but not too late to restore some pride. And with Roy Caroll in goal, Spurs might be well advised to make sure any potential goal put a bulge in the old onion bag, to quote a drunken leprechaun.

Thank God For Photoshop

Brilliance from The Guardian

If It Ain't Fixed, Don't Break It

In a stunning defensive display last night, the New York Giants proved that the American system of playoffs is a worthless model that is killing the sport’s industry in the United States.

Behind stellar performances by Michael Strahan, Osi Umenyiora and Justin Tuck, who castrated the once dominant offensive of the New England Patriots, the New York Giants won the 42nd Super Bowl and denied the Patriots a perfect season. Since the Patriots did not win that coveted 19th game, their season is essentially worthless. Never to be remembered for their accomplishments during the grueling regular season, they will always be seen as the team that blew their chance at immortality. With the realization that there is not recognition for anything but the final winner, the season has now been proven to be nothing but a reason for bad father’s to avoid their family obligations and “tie one on”.

Whereas the world has taken on a system of sport that rewards the season’s results as the penultimate accomplishment, the United States has decided that the torture of 17 weeks of drab, dull and tedious sport that stops more often than fat guy on his first run after the new year, should be exclusive inclusion in what is essentially the Milk Cupo with better PR.

While as a Spurs supporter I may wish the following scenario to be true, what if Arsenal’s invincibles had only been given the best draw in cup after their remarkable season of 2003/4 and had lost to Middlesbrough in early June of that year. Well in America, Arsenal wouldn’t be called the invincibles (once again there is a part of this argument that fails for me) and wouldn’t even be much of a footnote in the history books. They would only be part of the back story of Boro’s improbable victory.

While the season is everything in real football, the United States (and to that extend Australia and Canada) see it a promotion tool for a grand final that will almost always leave you wondering why you wasted your time.

So dear typical American Sport Fan,

1) Fucking driving around a loop is not a goddamn sport.

2) You’re system isn’t flawed; it’s worthless when only the final result of the final game matters.

3) Understand this, Sevilla’s 3rd place finish in La Liga last year has more value than a perfect season in the NFL. That is a damning statement.

4) The next time one of you retards calls “soccer” boring, remember how the only highlight of your oddly named Super Bowl was a 32 yards pass, and that barely beat out a commercial starring a screaming squirrel.

You A Glutton For Pain, But Hutton is Stayin'

For the third time this January, Alan Hutton is said to be contemplating and offer from Tottenham Hotspur. Having rejected the North London club twice already, it is assumed that he is searching for new and fresh ways to say no to Daniel Levy

Among his top choices

1) Using his well renowned Mr.T impression, he will announce to Levy on the BBC, “You a Glutton for Pain, but Hutton is Staying!”

2) As an amateur ventriloquist, Hutton has a racist doll he calls Mr. Wet Back, which he uses at local comedy hours. He will use this little tramp to reject Levy with his dandy catchphrase “Meeester Hutton no theeenks so!”

3) He will print up a shirt that read “I am Rangers’ Winston Bogarde” which he will flash to cameras when he scores against Hearts on Wednesday.

4) He will tell Levy that Steven Ireland's grandmother died and he has to go to the funeral. He will promise to give Levy a ring when he returns on the first.

5) He will point out in so uncertain terms that he would rather have unprotected sex with a homeless pre-op tranny.

6) He will state that much depends on the outcome of Super Tuesday and how many delegates he picks up in key states.

7) He will remind Levy that he could always take back chairmanship of Rangers if he wants to have the Scotsman as an employee.

8) He will Photoshop his face on the Rerun’s, Levy’s face on to Roger’s, Comolli’s face onto Dwayne’s and rework a downloaded JPEG of the 70’s show’s title to say “More Like, What’s Not Happening”

9) He will mumble “guy who isn’t signing me says ‘what’!” during their next phone call.

10) Two words: retraining order!

Recipe: Scouse Pie

Servings:
45,000+

Level of difficulty:
Hard in groups, soft one-on-one

Ingredients
1. Latent suppressed homosexuality
2. X-file level paranoia
3. Excessive binge drinking (can be replaced with drug addiction if alcohol not available)
4. A hint of wife-beating
5 A pinch of "Burden on Society"
6. Deluded sense of importance (should be sprinkled on copiously)
7. Lack of knowledge about anything (especially football)
8. Excessive history of violence
9. Belief that said history of violence is made up by the press, much like the Klan believes the Jewish media made up the holocaust.
10. Unintelligible accent
11. Hard on for communism
12. Body ink
13. Stolen hubcap
14. Unparalleled Xenophobia
15. Wine. Lots and lots of whine
16. Spanish Paprika
17. Short-crust pastry for the pie

Prep:
Season a dilapidated area of drug users and unemployed commie hate-mongers with a 10 year run of excellence in both violence and football with lots and lots of alcohol. Simmer. Tell the mix that its team is having problems on and off the field. Wait for the paranoia to bubble to the surface. Skim off the resulting death threat. Use stolen hubcap to spoon in a fluke night in Istanbul until roux believes itself to be significant in any way. Sing to it a stolen Manchester United hymn and wait for a gang of sodomites to find a group of women and children to harm. Sprinkle in excuses of how it was everybody else’s fault for the resulting mayhem to taste. Feel free to rotate ingredients as you see fit.

Spoon into pastry and wait for the calls to 606.

Cost:
Don't skimp on the recipe (spend small African nation GDP on it) but utilize dime-store ingredients

I Like the Pole and the Hole

The Sun is reporting that Manchester United’s superstar midfielder Christiano Ronaldo paid £400 to have sex with this Brazilian prostitute.



While both stomach-turning and blood-curdling, one has to wonder why a decent looking world famous millionaire would need to pay money to a woman who would be rejected as too ugly for a Zombie scene in any of the Resident Evil movies. Well, it has come to my attention that Brazil has a sex industry that rivals Thailand’s in terms of its odd and perverse nature. Click Here to see what I mean. And I promise that this is just a google search result and you will not be subjected to any graphics that the dandy winger would consider “the best of both worlds”.

The Table Never Lies (1/17)

1) Manchester United
Sure Ronaldo is good, but is he Alexandre Pato good?

2) Arsenal
Arsene Wenger has claimed that once a player leaves, he is gone for good. But Lehmann won't fold so easily.

3) Chelsea
Beletti wonders about the mythical space that one isn't allowed in the English game, as compared to the Spain.

4) Liverpool
Now that’s how you respond to all the critics: you embarrass a beleaguered third division relegation candidate at home that has been forced to sell five of its best players to avoid being closing shop. Good on ya!

5) Everton
Manuel Fernandes is back! Don't unpack, lad, as Ronald Koeman is a potential candidate if Moyes leaves.

6) Aston Villa
Jermain Defoe to Villa? Really? Has anyone noticed how big Defoe is? Martin O'Neill is to big strikers what Defoe is to bad haircuts.

7) Manchester City
Nery Castillo dislocates a shoulder in his second game. His new moniker is the Mexican Boijinov.

8) Blackburn
Mark Hughes' has written Carlos Alberto Parreira demanding an explanation as to why Benni McCarthy wasn't invited to the South African squad for the African Cup of Nations.

9) Portsmouth
Sol Campbell quit on the Kenwyne Jones to Richardson goal. Sol "quitting" would come to no surprise to either North London club.

10) West Ham
John Hartson is feeling quite lonely now that Dean Ashton has dropped 3 or 4 stones and bleached his scalp the color of his remaining hair.

11) Newcastle
Well much can be said of this past week, but here's your problem in a nutshell: Steven Taylor is both your best defender and your best keeper and he's not particularly good at either.

12) Tottenham Hotspur
Juande Ramos is concerned about how Spurs’ treble of cups will affect the team’s league form. Talk to us next Tuesday after the League semi, when Arsenal beats your new club for the Umpteenth time in a row.

13) Reading
Steve Coppell has claimed he won't be forced into panic buys this transfer window. With your defense Steve, your way beyond panic.

14) Middlesbrough
They could land Alfonso Alves from Heereenveen. AZ Alkmaar claims they have signed the Brazilian forward, after December talks with Heereenveen, even though no paperwork was completed or registered. Tottenham is pulling for AZ as their hope of Alan Hutton has new life.

15) Bolton
It had been claimed they have too much talent to be relegated. He left for Chelsea. You know the rest.

16) Birmingham City
Damien Jonhson received a gift basket and thank you card from Peter Cech this week. The note read "thanks for making me look less douchey".

17) Wigan
Considering his brief past with Hossam Ghaly, Steve Bruce must have seen Derby as a 11 on 10 situation.

18) Sunderland
Well so much for the old adage of “rapists can’t organize a defense”

19) Fulham
American Eddie Johnson is rumored to be moving to Craven Cottage. Let's just cut out the middle-man and make Fulham the eastern-most MLS club.

20) Derby County
Have actually made themselves significantly better in the January window. Now if Jewell can only get the cast gelled in time to catch Fulham.

We Need More Binge Drinkers!

Tottenham supporters are getting a cold dose of reality this transfer window. With the appointment of Juande Ramos as manager of the club, it was expected that the club would be molded in a similar fashion as clubs he has molded in the past: speedy, fit and technical with a little Latin flair.

Since Daniel Levy took of the chairmanship of the club, there has long been a policy of buy English first and ask questions later. Frank Arnesen left the club when he was informed that his scouting of the continent was strictly forbidden. Needing a Director of Football like all English clubs, Damien Comolli was then hired to steward the club, but was able to negotiate the right to view tapes from French Ligue 1 on the condition that he make ridiculous bids between overpaying for crappy British players.

This has led to the current situation where Tottenham are, as Derby County Chairman Adam Pearson stated, his club’s only rival for ineptitude. With the opening of the January window, which was the first with Juande Ramos at the helm, it was felt that players would be brought in to slowly adapt to his tactical system. Links to Spanish, Italian, Argentine, Brazilian and Portuguese players have been shown to be the imagination of the deluded and deranged.

Instead, Spurs signed a Welsh winger that nobody else was interested in. They also ignored Alan Hutton’s multiple rejections, to bid on the defenseless defender from Scotland, over and over. Meanwhile Comolli’s quota signing is Arsenal’s Lassana “not good enough for the B team” Diarra, who was last seen playing on some 12 year-old kid’s Football Manager game because he couldn’t sell him to Dag and Red.

And news is abound today that the pathetic North London club are about to finally get Englishman Stewart Downing after failing for the past three years for a whopping £12 million. Neither speedy, nor fit, nor technical, it seems that the list of things that one can count on need not be limited to taxes and death. Spurs splashing insane cash on mediocre binge drinking melanoma candidates should now rank just ahead of death (as science hopes to cure this one) but below Newcastle fans thinking their club is “big”.

The needs at centerhalf and in central midfield will have to wait until Comolli can finish his tour of the Conference North, where teams hope for a sighting of Daniel Levy even more than an away draw at Old Trafford in the F.A. Cup.

Letter to a Bat-Shit Nation

Dear Magpie,

Sorry about the type II diabetes, but it is possible to eat foods that aren’t fried.

I just wanted to send you a thank you. Earlier in the season, we Yids were embarrassed that our beloved gaffer was unceremoniously fired by management. We did not call for his head and stuck by him throughout his three year tenure until the very end. Yes, it was sad that we were in a relegation position at the time of Jol’s dismissal, but we felt that things would sort themselves out. Management didn’t agree. But that didn’t stop you or any other fan from making fun of us.

But you made it up in spades when you called for the head of Big sam, within weeks of the start of the season and finally got your way this week, when your chairman booted a proven manager who had your team three places higher than it was last year. And your reasons changed more than often than the pattern of grease on your shirt: he’s not attacking enough; he’s spent too much money; he’s not won us silverware; he’s not Alan Shearer.

And to show you really cared, you immediately thought Jose Mourinho was going to take over your club. Thanks for keeping it “anything but real” and making our harrowing start of the season seem like we have our act together.

You always claim to be a bigger club than Tottenham, and I can say after this display that you truly are: Bigger idiots.

Sincerely,
Yiddo

P.S. Please accept this bottle of Coca Cola as a gift. It’s not good for your obesity, but you’re going to be seeing it a lot more in the near future.

Bring Out the Gimp

Spurs have been rejected by Ranger’s RB Alan Hutton for a second time this week. Even though Ranger’s chief Sir David Murray had went to the lengths of packing the Scottish international’s bags, forwarding his mail and burning down his house, Hutton rejected the move south. While rumors persist that he is holding out for a direct move to Manchester United, rather than moving to their feeder club, comments by Juande Ramos have led many to believe that Hutton knew that the Spurs boss wasn’t sold on him and he saw the writing on the wall. Especially since that wall was his garage and the writing was “I Don’t Rate You – Wendy” written in sheep’s blood, thereupon.

So what does Damien Comolli do, now that the public humiliation of being turned down by player with little-to-no pedigree? He’s a proud man, with little intelligence and high self-esteem…..I mean French. He has two options.

The first is to go alpha-male and never accept no for an answer. This will mean Damien will need to slip Hutton a roofie and smuggle him over the border. Hutton will wake to his shirt on inside out, hemorrhoids and debilitating cases of shame, anger and helplessness. The press conference where Comolli introduces Hutton, who will be curled up in the fetal position, admonishing his new talisman, a rape whistle, will show the world that Damien always gets his man.

But this is not the path that his boss Daniel Levy prefers as it has come out that another target; Ajax’s Urby Emmanuelsen has rejected any move to Tottenham. Levy may have his faults, but he knows that the roofie trick can only be used once as there is a thing as too much sodomy.

Levy has suggested that the club set its sights on much bigger fish. Subsequently the rumors are flying that Tottenham have made audacious bids of £30 million for Barcelona’s Ronaldinho and a £20 million for Real Madrid’s Fabio Canavarro. The eventual rejections by these two former World Players of the Year will put the aforementioned rejection by rejects on the back pages. Fans and media will forget that two kids who can’t defend didn’t want to join the Spurs devolution, as they concentrate on the fact that two superstars didn’t want to put the nails on the coffins of their career in the N17.

The Table Never Lies (1/3)

1. Arsenal – If Adebayor scores, they win. It could be the reason the Mali F.A. is voted their most valuable player.

2. Manchester United – Sir Alex thinks the fans are docile. The fans think the stadium is a police state. I think the football was catatonic against Brum.

3. Chelsea – If wives and/or husbands went down as quickly as Michael Ballack, the divorce rate would be nowhere near 50%.

4. Manchester City – Rolando Bianchi and Samaras are set to leave. But Sven has Nery a worry at forward.

5. Liverpool – Want to see delusion at its highest? Football Rumors runs a daily message board dedicated to transfer rumors. Mostly it’s the Liverpool faithful confident of Kompany and van der Vaart when they can’t even afford the long distance charges. Being poor sucks.

6. Everton – I have figured out what Andrew Johnson’s goal celebrating “A” stands for – Absent!

7. Aston Villa – Are four center-halves the way to go?

8. Portsmouth – What exactly is the point of going into debt to build a new ground when your players are aching to go on the road?

9. Blackburn – Hughes is looking to sign Sofia Levski’s Valeri Domovchiyski, considered the new Berbatov. United is looking to tap him up in February.

10. West Ham – Curbishley is rumored to have a £40 million war chest. That can buy a lot of average, injury-prone players.

11. Newcastle – Is it possible to boo a God? Check back in a month for my new column “Shearered and Flayed”

12. Tottenham – To be honest, they are considered a cup team. By this time next week, who knows what they will be considered.

13. Reading – Dave Kitson has claimed that he could care less about the F.A. Cup. As a Spurs fan, he’s just guarding himself against the eventual bitter disappointment.

14. Bolton – Anelka admits to Chelsea interest. Wow that was out of left field.

15. Middlesbrough – Gareth Southgate has urged Alan Shearer to rule out an interest in the Newcastle job to ease the pressure on Sam Allardyce. Why? How long does anyone think Toothy McTooth will be employed when Big Sam is available?

16. Birmingham City – McLeish is set to dump five players in the January window. What about the other 23?

17. Wigan – Titus Bramble is quickly ruining the easiest joke in the business.

18. Sunderland – Linked with Robbie Savage. For heaven’s sake Roy, your only decent signings were the two guys that don’t have a United past. Cut the fucking cord!

19. Fulham – Offering Ray Hodgson £1 million to keep the legacy of Lawrie from going down? There’s a Lindsay Lohan joke here somewhere.

20. Derby – In deference to our friend Shakira, there will be no jokes regarding….oh fuck that….these guys stink worse than folds of a fat guy’s stomach after a vigorous walk.