Arsenal Must Be Playing At Home

Now that Arsenal’s terrific run of form is over, losing in the Champions League group phase by a score of 3-1 to Seville, which ended a 28 game unbeaten streak, the Gunners can get back to what they do best: accumulating red cards.

Whereas Wenger’s tenure in North London had seen his squads earning reds at a rate of seven a year going into spring, their record has been pathetic lately. On February 25^th last year, Wenger chalked up red cards number 67 and 68 in the Carling Cup loss to Chelsea. This was period of turmoil at Ashburton Grove as the Gunners were eliminated from the EPL title race, Carling Cup, F.A. Cup and Champions League in 10 days. And with nothing to play for, the team fell into complacency and was unable to put in the challenges, fights or arguments that could lead to more red cards. A second half slump that saw no red during the final 3 months of the season led to speculation that Arsene Wenger was ready to leave the Emirates and seek to bring pain and shame to the Spanish capital.

This season has seen an upturn in form on the pitch, but the rate of suspensions has still disappointed the fans, board and mostly the gaffer. The only high point during this anguishing campaign was Philippe Senderos’ second half dismissal against Portsmouth.

But now that their unbeaten streak has ended, it is expected that the club will turn moody and sour, which should see them once again earning coveted reds. The first sign of this nastiness came with Wenger’s touchline ban for his antics against Seville. Claiming that Daniel Alves was diving, it was obvious that the Seville wingback’s writhing had upset Wenger. “That is our trick. How dare he feign injury for benefit,” scathed the man who once got into an argument with Martin Jol because Spurs scored when one of his players fell like a sniper victim off the ball.

Wenger is excited about the upcoming congestion in English football, where he can finally get his hotly anticipated 70^th red card. And who knows, maybe even more.

Tactical Analysis: Japan v. Mexico

At one point in Stuttgart’s 4-1 victory over Eintracht Frankfurt, there were 2 Japanese and 3 Mexican players on the pitch. This interesting fact leads to the face off the two nations in the tactical analysis of the game, because Eintracht deployed the Japanese Junichi Inamoto as a holding midfield; whereas, Stuttgart used the Mexican Pavel Pardo. Watching the difference between the two was like watching night and day, and there effort in the role and the game can alone account for the disparity of the result. But I must add that it was a microcosm of both teams, where Stuttgart was vastly superior in all areas.

Inamoto set up shop between his own 18 and the center circle. I counted two times that he made any penetration past the midway point, throughout the entirety of his time on the pitch. On offense, Inamoto camped out in the center circle and seemed intent on squatting in the area to purchase land at a later date. He was flat footed on any offensive maneuver and provided no outlet to Frankfurt’s occasional trips into Stuttgart territory. Repeatedly Frankfurt were playing back when on the attack because a player was forced to keep the ball at his feet due to Inamoto’s reluctance to move forward into space.

On defense, he was playing directly in front of the center half pairing of Cris and Kyrgiakos, giving them 3-4 meters at best. He was able to get stuck in deep in his own half on occasion, but he left meters of space completely unguarded in the middle of the pitch. It didn’t take long for Cacau, Pardo, Hitzlsperger and even Miera to exploit this fact. Stuttgart didn’t dominate the middle of the pitch as much as they were gifted it in this game. And make no mistake about it: it was a well appreciated gift as they played beautiful attacking football right through the heart of Eintracht. And mostly, it has to be put down to Inamoto’s positioning and lack of lung power.

Both Ochs and Spycher spent time with him in the central midfield. Both could be seen, occasionally, getting a foot in before it was in dangerous territory or providing an options going forward. This can be best seen in the Eagles opening goal of the game, when Ochs tackled the ball away from Hitzlsperger in Stuttgart territory and played the ball to Köhler who scored. Ochs had the only decent game by any Frankfurt player, but Inamoto had one of the laziest performances I have ever seen. Had he worked at even a fraction of Ochs’ rate this game could have been different.

As for Stuttgart, Pavel Pardo was terrific in this game. His passing was sublime, such as when he fed Roberto Hilbert’s perfectly timed run for the equalizer. He played his defensive midfield role perfectly, forcing Frankfurt to use the touch line for any attacking. He worked seamlessly to cover Fernando Miera, who launched into attack often. (It was nice to see Miera paired back with the reliable Matthieu Delpierre after a long injury in what is one of the best center-half combos in the Bundesliga.) And he was a threat going forward, such as when he took a shot from nearly 10 meters that hit the post and almost ricocheted off the keepers back for the second goal soon after the restart.

Mostly his work-rate was phenomenal, covering on defense, moving throughout the width of midfield and thrusting forward. And it stood in stark contrast to the motionless effort put in by his counterpart for the home side. He was easily man of the match.

Joachim Low Mumbles Something Positive About Chelsea

German Captain Michael Ballack played in a reserves match on Monday as he continues to improve his fitness after seven months of rehab following multiple surgeries on his ankles. Progression on his fitness is going well, as he plans at least one more reserve match before returning to the first team. This is expected to happen sometime this weekend, after the 5th of 6 games of group play in the Champion's League for the London club.

Joachim Low has called a press conference to publicly apologize for being an ass back in September when he questioned Chelsea's decision to leave the midfielder off their 23 man roster for the group phase. Perhaps he could have called the press conference back in October, which he set out as the return date for Ballack. When Ballack didn't show up for any of the international run-ins for Euro 2008, Low must have figured out that Ballack's club knew a hell of a lot more than he did.

Arsene Reads "Which Witch is Which"

Arsene Wenger has compared the way clubs fire their managers to the practice of burning witches at the stake. And the Arsenal gaffer has vehemently come out against the horrible genocide taking place against these Premier League managers. While many try to avoid the uncomfortable subject, in hopes that it will go away, the Frenchman has gone on record against the holocaust that is taking place in England as managers are being dismissed with hefty severance packages and given positions of punditry. Rightly comparing this evil practice with the witch hunts that killed upwards of 60,000 women during the Reformation, Wenger has lashed out at the powers that be for allowing six managers to be fired from their cushy million pound jobs. He hopes that by speaking out now more managers won’t be murdered and raped over religious ignorance.

Make no mistake about it: managers are suffering a sex based pogrom, based on a holy war between two sides arguing over indulgences. Following Billy Davies dismissal from Derby County, he was subsequently set atop a pile of wood and set afire, screaming the entire time for mercy until he was dead. While the press has kept quiet on the subject, Little Sammy Lee was drowned in cereal bowl while inquisitors tested to see if he was tactically astute by seeing if he could float. Martin Jol, who has been linked to all kind of jobs, hasn’t taken any precisely because he was sent to the gallows. Nobody wants a fat headless man leading their squad.

All of this has Rafa Benitez mightily worried as his many layers of fat will make drowning an impossibility that may lead to him being pressed to death. Or getting a cushy job in Munich. Only time will tell. But rest assured that no matter Rafa’s fate, Arsene Wenger will be working diligently to ensure the next generation of Premier League managers are not subject to a “final solution”.

Selfish Brazilians Rate Food Higher Than Halo

Robert Greene has bucked current trends. He has refused to blame foreigners for the failings of the English national team. He is going after an even more pathetic cohort: gamers. He is pinning the downfall of the Three Lions on video game consoles such as PS3 or X-Box. Branding the country as lazy, he feels that today’s youth spend much too much time playing football virtually rather than actually.

Greene added, "Other countries seem to bring on world-class players, countries like Argentina and Brazil where often it's football or nothing.”

While Britain ranks in the top ten richest countries with a per capital income of nearly $38,000, Argentina and Brazil, who are 64^th and 74^th respectively, have paltry PCI’s ranging from 3000-4000 USD. “It’s so unfair that Brazilian and Argentine parents put more emphasis on food rather than entertainment,” lamented the uncapped stick minder. “How can England hope to compete with these selfish nations who refuse to purchase luxury items that equate to a paltry one-eighth of their yearly pre-tax income.” he added.

Realizing that poor kids in Buenos Aires and São Paulo can’t afford these systems, which would keep them off the streets and glued to a television set were they unfortunate enough to be blighted with the curse of wealth, Green has started a campaign to ship the games to the poor sections of these two great superpowers. "If they start working on their hand-eye coordination and Type II Diabetes rather than their foot coordination and stamina, they are bound to suck as bad as we do,” surmised the West Ham’s keeper.

If you wish to contribute to this noble cause, click here.

Proof That Carlos Alberto Can Stay Off the Ground

After a training ground scuffle between Carlos Alberto and Boubacar Sanogo, it has been revealed that: YES, this is the first time all season that the Brazilian has been missed at Werder.

Poor Timing?

Will Huub Steven decision unify or fracture the club? Hamburg is surprisingly within striking distance of the “greatest team ever assembled”. This doesn’t come as a shock on HSV’s end, like Karlsruhe’s ascendancy. In fact most of us haven’t forgotten their top three position, two years ago, followed by a devastating start of last season that saw Stevens take over and turn them into one of the best teams in the Bundesliga in the second half of last year. There were some (me) who tipped them for second this year.


But all of the momentum that has swept Hamburg forward this year looks ready to be undone by the sudden announcement by manager Huub Stevens that he will take over the vacant position at PSV Eindhoven next summer. Rather than sign an extension with the team he guided from bottom to 7th starting last February, in addition to their current 3rd place position, Stevens will return to the club he spent time at as a player. Wanting to spend time with his ill wife, Stevens announced the move during the international break. While I have no issue with the decision, as Hamburg offered the short contract and will get burned by decision, I do wonder how the timing of the announcement will go down with a squad that has the confidence and ability to push the Bavarian giants all the way for the title.


Stevens seemed to have found a comfort zone with captain and talisman Rafael van der Vaart, who is poised to leave sooner rather than later. With van der Vaart towing the party line and providing leadership and attack impetus on the field, Stevens has harnessed the full potential of his temperamental Dutch superstar. How he reacts is paramount to rest of the season for HSV. It’s not that they will ever lose VDV’s contribution on the field, as he will need to continue to provide to attract the interest of Spanish and English teams. But will he become more selfish? Will his attitude, especially as captain, become one of seeing out the year and thus negating his aura of talisman? These are central questions to the Stevens decision to announce his departure.


In addition, most of these players will be facing their 2nd new manager in a year in a half come May. How is this going to affect morale? Do they see the top three, or more, as a guarantee of worth to the incoming trainer? Or do they sink into self-doubt and worry as they await the announcement and arrival of a new manager. He has gotten the best out of youngsters Vincent Kompany and Jerome Boateng. Will the youth suffer with the impending loss of their manager? And will they have veterans to help them adjust to the volatile time? And where will the squad stand in January, when they need to strengthen their striking corps, which has failed to impress this season. Will they be able to find takers willing to come to a rudderless ship?


So the next few weeks are a pivotal time for the Rothosen. Stevens will need to bring a sense of purpose to the squad in order to get the most out of them as a lame duck He will not be able to afford a dip in form if he hopes to gain on Bayern Munich as the team fights off the consistent Werder Bremen, the emerging Stuttgart and the always dangerous Schalke.

Crestfallen: Bundesliga Badge Table

20. Kaiserslautern

There is definitely a missed marketing opportunity in college frat houses in the U.S.
Asshole #1: ing “A” dudes. Look at my new ing shirt.
Asshole #2: ing Sweet Dude.
Asshole #1: me, 'bro. I so need to me some pussy.
Asshole #2: I have some ing roofies. Up for some date-rape?
Asshole #1: Yeah.

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19. FC Nurnberg

Dietmar, why did you steal our ing logo?

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18. Borussia Dortmund

Interestingly, the BVB stands for Ballspiel-Verein Borussia. And that would be about the only ing interesting thing about this total lack of imagination.

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17. Schalke 04

The G stands for” Goddammit, at least put in the effort!

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16. Hansa Rostock

We all know that the Hanseatic League started losing its position of power in the Baltic around the time that Rostock joined the guild. Why? I would contest that Rostock ship designs had some influence. Who wants to sail in a melted horseshoe?

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15. Cologne

Here’s how I imagine two roommates would interact in Cologne

#1: Look out the window and tell me if it’s raining.
#2: No. It’s cloudy but not raining.
#1: Is that giant goat cock still out there?
#2: Yes. Yes it is.

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14. FC Augsburg 1907

Eww! Is that a butt-plug? I hope they bleached that ing thing.

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13. SC Freiburg

The griffin is a legendary creature with the body of a lion, considered the king of the beasts, and the head and wings of an eagle, the king of the birds. Since the royals of Europe are a cesspool of genetic singularity that would rival a trailer park in the Ozarks, it does explain the sickly, inbred nature of this pathetic creature.

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12. Eintracht Frankfurt

I’m with you freaky royal eagle. I would scream too if I had hemorrhoids like that. It’s like you pushed through your entire small intestines.

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11. Vfb Stuttgart

Oh I would love that font for my site. Is that Drunken German Lithographer Condensed Italic?

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10. Wolfsburg

ho are you kidding?

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9. Bayer Leverkusen

Thanks for ruining Aspirin for me. Now I won’t be able to take one without thinking “hey, did a couple of tiny savannah cats dry-hump this pill?”

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8. MSV Duisburg

Now if this was an American team, one would just think the Zebra is an obtuse random mascot, but football clubs try to attach their crest to local civic history. So I present to you the mysterious Black Forest Blue Zebra?

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7. Hannover 96

Simple, but for some reason it feels dyslexic.

Man: This is doing nothing for me.
Woman: Me either.
Man: I expected more oral action. I can’t even see your vagaina.
Woman: I am really uncomfortable with the location of your buttocks right now.
Man: Let me check the Kuma Satra again.

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6. Werder Bremen

You’ll see this occasionally in a gym’s sauna. It’s called frot. And if you think its awkward walking in on two guys rubbing their wangs together, each staring back at you with dear-in-the-headlight gazes, just ask the guy that caught me and Jasper

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5. Hamburg

Do you know the difference between a “brown eye” and a “chocolate starfish”? Yes, it’s called wiping.

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4. Bochum

This is simple and elegant. High marks…..wait a minute. 1848? Who are you kidding? Don’t try to pass off the year you started tossing a medicine ball as the year the football club was established. Its disingenuous.

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3. 1860 Munich

So tonight, tonight.

Let it be

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2. Bayern Munich

Sorry, love them or hate them, this is one of the best damn crests around. The middle part is the flag of Bavaria.

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1. F.C. St. Pauli

First, because they are older, they forced Hamburg to adopt the aforementioned “balloon knot”. And then there is the motto: “Non-established since 1910”. I ing love this club.

The Table Never Lies (11/15)

1. Arsenal

A.C. Milan’s Carlo Ancelotti has doubts about this team’s ability in the Champion’s League. Too bad there is nothing happening in Italy that he could comment about.

2. Manchester United

Michael Carrick is tapping up Dimitar Berbatov. He wants someone to talk to while stranded on the subs bench.

3. Manchester City

Citeh owner Thaksin Shinawatra has revealed his plans to open a string of death camps academies across Asia.

4. Chelsea

A boring affair with a late equalizer sounds about par for the Blues. Oh wait, under Mourinho, Chelsea scored the late equalizers. Let’s all sing, “The Wheels on the Bus are falling off!”

5. Liverpool

The Scouse faithful moaned. Alan Green conveyed. Rafa listened. 70 minutes of pathetic football against Fulham showed why rotation is necessary. Can I please hear something else on the 606 now?

6. Portsmouth

Beautiful football, you say? Three goalless draws in their last four home matches says otherwise.

7. Blackburn

After the United loss, Mark Hughes referred to David Dunne’s dismissal by saying they had been “hard done by”. Fuck you for stealing my lame joke, Mark.

8. Aston Villa

Stiliyan Petrov was man-of-the-derby in the 2-1 over Brum. Is he ready to find his Celtic form and do something completely new at Villa Park: contribute?

9. Everton

Oddest sight of the weekend: Moyes suit on Everton’s Remembrance Day draw at Stamford Bridge. He looked like a pre-pubescent boy forced to go to church on Easter.

10. West Ham

Lee Boyer put the smack-down on Derby – like he was gay-bashing an Asian student.

11. Newcastle United

Rumors have it that Michael Owen is being implicated in the Kieron Fallon race-fixing scandal. I wonder what might get injured in the clink?

12. Reading

After being trounced by a bunch of foreigners, Steve Coppell strangely lamented about the number of foreigners in the league and called for a quota system. Affirmative Action for the majority? I hope George Bush doesn’t hear about this stellar idea.

13. Fulham

Lawrie Sanchez wants to scrap the transfer window, saying it is costing too many managers their job as small clubs can’t accumulate talent like the big clubs to deal with injuries or change approach. Some of that is quite true. But what is going to cost him his job is all of those late concessions.

14. Tottenham Hotspur

Adel Taraabt wants out. Who is he you ask? Exactly.

15. Birmingham City

You know you’re a small club, when Wigan taps up your manager. No wonder Yeung is backing off buying the club.

16. Sunderland

We are all sadistically hoping that Dickson Etuhu will learn the Haaland method of dealing with challenges like Joey Barton’s from Skippy-keano.

17. Middlesbrough

Southgate praised his defense after they stymied an insipid Bolton attack that was without its only two quality players in Spitty McSpitt and Whiney McWhine. I guess he had to get the praise in while he could.

18. Bolton

Who cares about the lifeless draw with Boro. This team went to the Allianz and came back from a goal down to draw with the mighty Bayern Munich. Congratulations to all supporters. I recommend that you hold onto that memory dearly, as it is will keep you warn during the onset of a relegation winter.

19. Wigan

Don’t do it Bruce. Two words: Titus Bramble.

20. Derby County

Honestly, I think this team would be fighting relegation in the Coca Cola.

He's Right About One Thing.....O'Reilly is a Douche

I just finished Keith Olbermann’s book The Worst Person in the World, which I recommend. It’s an entertaining read and I am big fan of Olbermann, who is one of the few smart people in the American news business. So the following pains me, but it’s a three-fer:

Our Bronze goes to the host of MSNBC’s Countdown, for giving the award to all fans of Inter Milan on April 10th, 2006. A few fans on the Nerazzurri pelted the team with rocks and debris when they lost out on the scudetto that year. These fans are totally deserving of the award, but not “all” fans. Are you going to implicate yourself Kieth, for the lunacy of some drunken Yankees fans over the years? I doubt it. Don’t let your soccer bias allows you to do so to the majority of Inter fans. By the way this was the scudetto that Keith’s fact checking monkeys forgot to follow-up on in the print edition, as they eventually won the title, when the champions Juventus were stripped of the title for bribery. Oh and Keith, this is a good week to remind you, that the Italians are capable of far worse than a few rocks.

The Silver goes to K.O. as well. On December 12th of 2005, he named one Kirstie Adams of Uttoxeter as one of the worst people in the world. Her crime: she bought her newly born son membership in Derby Co. 25 minutes after giving birth. When my wife gave birth, they gave her this miracle anesthetic called an epidural. Maybe you’ve heard of it? Making a call is nothing. My wife could have hosted a party after the birth of my son, who like most kids, was taken to the nursery for precautionary reasons after he was born. And unlike baseball Keith, we in the world game support our clubs by becoming official members. I live across the ocean from my club, but still carry a membership card. And that kid will have quite the badge of honor in a few years to tell his mates. But mostly, I am calling you out because you spelled the club D-A-R-B-Y. It’s spelled with and “E”, so try a little tool called Google. And if you want to know why it’s pronounced that way, see Bill Bryson’s vastly superior read The Mother Tongue.

But our winner… Olbermann again.

On May 11th, 2006 he listed the owners (I think he meant board) of Arsenal for having sold seats from Highbury to supporters (he called them fans) that contained traces of Cadmium. Cadmium is a toxic metal that is known to cause infertility in men, and the board stopped the sell of said seats upon discovery. Sorry Keith, while they deserved to be listed, it was because they stopped selling the seats, not because they sold them in the first place. If you knew anything about the sport (he doesn’t), you would know that Arsenal fans, like Yankees fans, are scum-bags (which he points out was originally a term for a used prophylactic and thus seems so much more appropriate than we all thought). Thus inadvertently toxifying their junk and saving the planet a next generation of obnoxious scientologists goes under the mantle “for the greater good.”

Keith Olbermann, today’s Worst Person in the World.

Spurs v. Wigan

For the first time since Juande Ramos took over Tottenham, I was able to sit down and watch a game. The first three were not televised on FSC. So even though this could be billed as a six-point game, I was really excited to watch the match.

From all reports, Spurs last two victories were ugly. They didn’t play well but still escaped with a clean sheet. So I expected that this might be the case for the Wigan game as well. While the prospect of beautiful attacking football is inherent in a manager like Ramos, his first job when he took over was to stop the bleed.

And obtaining our first victory in the league in three months did help in that regard. Under Ramos, Spurs have three wins and a draw. The important facts during the run of form are there have been no late goals conceded, no set pieces conceded, Lennon is playing his natural position and we have three clean sheets. We in fact have not thrown away points. There might have been a hope for a victory at Boro, but Taylor’s goal was unstoppable.

On Sunday, Tottenham beat Wigan, which any pundit will tell you are a terrible team, 4-0. However, watching the game, I don’t think Wigan was aweful. They did get the tactics wrong. Wigan faced off with a Spurs side that has a very shaky backline. Kaboul and Dawson are good defenders, and may have potential to be much better, but together at this time, they have been poor. They lack cohesion, confidence or authority. Some of that has to do with the man minding the goal, and Paul Robinson’s fall from grace has been widely covered, but some of it has to be the combination of two young backs. Meanwhile, anyone who has seen him play knows that Pascal Chimbonda’s defending has been lacking for quite a while.

However, rather than take advantage of a defense that is struggling, Wigan employed a 4-4-1-1, which took pressure off of the center-halves. And by attempting to play a link-man, they managed to lose the midfield. 5 in the center of the park may have aided their cause, but as it stood, Tottenham controlled the midfield superbly. This alleviated pressure on their back four and meant that they were starting attacks from close to the midway and thus playing more of a passing game. Jenas and Zokora held the middle well today and it was their effort that made the game so easy.

Now, let me take a moment to make the case for the long-ball. Route 1 football is ugly and boring. However, there is a difference between employing it during a match and relying on it. Tottenham have been very guilty of the latter this season. In this match, the third goal was one that Charles Reep would have loved. Robbo boomed it long, Berbatov settled the ball and flicked to Aaron Lennon, who finished superbly. Why it matters is that this was the only one of the four goals to come from long ball. The others were developed on the ground: one created by an exquisite pass into space by Berbatov for Jenas; one created on the by-line by Robbie Keane (Jenas again) and one by Berbatov to Lennon to Bent on quick passes. Four goals scored by different means.

We all remember how Arsenal was criticized for trying too hard to walk the ball into the back of the net last year. There is truth in that. While we don’t have a great distance shooter, we do play Route 1 well. So the long-ball provides a different option, something else for the defense to worry about. If it is used on occasion, especially when you have a target man like Berbatov, it provides another outlet and another distraction for the defense, and may allow the midfield space. So while I agree with developing an attack around this system is poor, I do love that Tottenham has it as an option.

For Spurs’ part, the thing that impressed me as being Juande’s major contribution to the team in the short time he has been in charge was structure. I felt that Zokora and Jenas were holding a strong buffer in front of Kaboul and Dawson. I felt that the two center-halves adjusted their line accordingly, when the two holders moved. I felt that Berbatov and Keane were moving to the flanks to provide a link for attack. It was the most organized I remembered seeing the team. And it was one of those things, we all expected Ramos would bring. This structure and organization allowed them to attack at will, to protect their defense and to expand the field. I felt that Tottenham spent more time on the by-line that I had seen in the entire of Jol’s tenure. And while that is exaggeration, it is also a fantastic sign. The only caveat was that we had to plug a round peg into a square hole at left wing. And while Steed was tireless and positive he did drift into midfield.

Things are turning a corner under Ramos. The fitness is really strong, the organization is vastly improved, and the defense and midfield are starting to believe in themselves again. While I hold no ridiculous aspirations, I see no reason to believe that Spurs won’t finish top half again. And after the comical start of the season, that’s quite an accomplishment (and who knows – maybe we might live up to our cup history).

Come on You Spurs!

Dick Daddy Develops Dandy Trend

So Steven Ireland feels that he is Superman. Well funny enough, anyone who has read a comic in the last 30 years can tell you how D.C. have emasculated the character to the point that he is no long “super” and thus Steven Ireland can actually make that claim legitimately. In fact, Aaron Lennon could probably knock Clark Kent around if push came to shove. But it makes me think, if Dick Daddy can be Superman, who could we cast in some of the other tights and capes of the Superhero world. I am going to start with the Fantastic Four, because of Barcelona’s usage of Marvel’s flagship team, to brand their forward line, in another odd connection of capes and footballers. So today, I offer the FF:

Tottenham’s Jermaine Jenas as Sue Storm, because he turns invisible anytime he plays a half-decent club.

Fulham’s Claus Jensen as The Thing, because he’s the hard-man with a face only a blind woman could love.

New England Revolution’s Jay Heaps as Mr. Incredible, because nobody could “stretch” so little, so far.

And

Benfica’s Gilles Binya as the Human Torch, because he is an impetuous hothead and a complete dick. Although I doubt he has the hottest sister on the planet.

Next: The Avengers

Tastes Like Vinegar But With a Bitter Afterbite

I was just in France. Being an American in France is very hard, you know. First, there’s the whole war thing. Like I started it. I just voted for Bush, believed his every lie, supported his every effort and bought a Hummer. And while I don’t support the troops with tax money, I sure do have patriotic stickers on that Hummer. In addition, I think all Muslims are terrorists, even the Sikh ones. So how is that my fault Frenchy? And hey, would it kill you fuckers to learn some American.

On top of getting stick for that, there’s the food. It’s all this fancy shit with aromatic smells, palate exploding flavor and multiple courses. It’s no wonder all those beret-wearing fancy dandies are so thin. It’s called anorexia people. So when I stumbled on Quick, a French fast-food resteraunt, I was running on day two of raiding the M&M machine at the Cluny Metro station for my only sustenance and went in desperately seeking chemically enhanced food by-products to ensure that I didn’t vomit, as was intended by the unnatural combination of rancid mean, wilted lettuce, squeeze-bottle cheese and white bread.

They didn’t sell any Big Mac, but they did sell a Nicholas Anelka burger, which did the job. My first day, I ordered one and it was dirt cheap, came with pommes frites and was delicious! The thoughts of more Anelka Burgers for years to come excited me. The second day, the price was up. Now it came with chips and while it still came with a hint of potential, the burger must have been cooked poorly because there was a bitter aftertaste. The next day, the price had skyrocketed (nearly a 440% increase) and now it came with papas fritas. It left me empty and flatulent and there was only one decent bite in the whole meal (but wow what a bite). The next few times the price lowered gradually and was served with either pommes frites or chips. But while it tasted good, it never really made much difference with my hunger. It was empty calories. When I went in next, the burger was on the “cheap eats” menu and was served with patates kızartması and it seemed sad and pathetic. I ordered a chicken sandwich. On my last day, the burger was being given away with gravy and chips. It seemed like the only decent thing on an otherwise terrible menu and I ordered one because it seemed like the price was starting to creep back up.

Conclusion: It’s still better than Hardees.

No Shit Sherlock

Daniel Levy’s favorite paper, the Evening Standard has reported that want-away midfielder Hossam Ghaly revealed, in an exclusive interview, that he will never play for Spurs again.

The Egyptian international, who had a controversial stint at the North London club is currently training with his former club Al-Ahly. He has no plans of returning to England, where he was once rejected by powerhouse Birmingham City for being lazier than a trailer-park whore with a case of Busch Light during a Judge Judy marathon. Known around White Hart Lane as “C’mon You Fucking Cunt” or “Cunt” for short, the player once ceremoniously threw his shirt to the ground, when subbed due to a poor performance.

So no matter who the manager is:, whether it be the jovial Jol or the strict Juande Ramos, Hossam Ghaly has made it clear that he understands what all Tottenham supporters understood last year: He will not play for Tottenham Hotspur again.

“While I had my issues with Jol,” reported the worthless sack of shit, “Juande has a keen eye for talent, and will figure out quickly that I have none.”

Their Hips Might Break

Report$ circulating throughout Brazil, Italy and Catalonia have $uper$tar Ronaldinho linked with a move to the $an $iro to join hi$ Brazilian teammate Kaka at A.C. Milan. The move from Barcelona i$ de$ired both by the club, a$ Ronaldinho ha$ been di$intere$ted and average $ince the double two year$ ago; a$ well a$ by the player him$elf, who ju$t want$ more money. Repre$ented by hi$ brother Roberto A$$i$, Ronaldinho ha$ been $couring the continent, recently with Chel$ea, and complaining about taxe$ to garner a wage increa$e. It i$ well known that the Brazilian playmaker wa$ angered when Briti$h politican Gerry $utcliffe $poke directly of John Terry, rather than him$elf, when $howing outrage at player$’ wage$.

With that change of $cenery, there would al$o be a $ignificant reduction in competition$. Wherea$ he i$ expected to compete on three front$ with the Catalan giant$, at A.C. Milan, Ronaldinho Guacho would only have to play one game a week, $pecifically the midweek game$ in the Champion$ League. A.C. Milan ha$ $een the FIFA rule change that allow$ holder$ and automatic $pot, following the fia$co with Liverpool two year$ ago, a$ a rea$on to finally give up on $erie$ A.

A$ manager Carlo$ Ancelotti $tated, “The$e are old men who can’t be expected to compete on $o many level$. Their hip$ might break.”

Ronaldinho, who long ago, lo$t intere$t in playing, now favor$ a life of capriciou$ con$umption and hot jizz-covered whore$. And earning Jordane$que money for 15 game$ a $ea$on, $o he can concentrate on hi$ new hobbie$ of gangbang$ and cachaça $hould be too good to pa$$ up.

Thi$ ha$ excited hi$ potential teammate$ at Milan, who have lo$t intere$t in Kaka’$ partie$, which Ma$$imo Oddo ha$ de$cribed a$ “too much Bible, too little bukake!” Ronaldinho, who hold$ notoriou$ly $tellar partie$ will change all that. Cafu ha$ been heard to $ay, “Finally I can u$e $ome of thi$ Levitra that the doctor gave me!” Meanwhile high-end pro$titute$ in Milan are excited about the potential move, a$ the expected windfall from Ronaldo never emerged when he moved to Intermilan. Additionally, pro$titute$ in Barcelona are looking for what they are calling “a little re$t”.

Leave Brittany Alone!

Wolfsburg have finally given up on football. The team, based in the city of the same name, which was built to house workers for what would become the Volkswagen Beetle, has never won anything. In fact until the early 90’s they had never even been in the Bundesliga. So rather than keep up the façade, chairman Hans-Dieter Pötsch has decided to pull financial support out of the club and focus on their new business model, which is 90’s style boy bands. While currently passé in the music industry, Vfb Wolfsburg are sure that the genre will come back as it often does, and this time they will be on the cutting edge.

Ladies, meet the ‘Da Wolves and get ready to cream yo’ panties.

Bang bang. Now you rolling with MC Quiroga. I be the sensitive member of ‘da band. My facial hair and dew rag say I’m a rebel. But my sweet face won’t scare young white prepubescent suburban girls, who can work out the complicated nature of female sexuality. They can fantasize about my love and support while they be finger-blastin’. Word!

Hola, me llamo Senor Costa. I’m here for the Latino demographic. I actually have talent, but it’s wasted on choreographed danced moves and the rare vocal accompaniment. I’m happy go lucky on the outside, but inside I cry as my ethnographic heritage is minimized for middle class uggs-wearing gringos. I will be working in the porn industry of Costa Rica within 5 years.

‘Sup I be Dynamite Dejagah. I be da guy with fake street cred, yo! I was once a gang-banga, sept it twas only be in Grand Theft Auto: Vice City. My turn ons be burkas and clitorectomies. My turns offs be ankles and Jews. Hit me up yo!

Yo. Marcelinho-Yo here. I’m the middle-age guy parading around in a boy’s band. I’m so old that even our groupie’s mother’s get skeeved at the after-party. But I’ll take a Viagra, some blood thinner and beta-blocer and three hours later, make sweet creepy love to you baby.

Hey, I’m Fire Brier. I’m ‘da ”fish outta wata”, the awkwardly inserted white guy. I overcompensate for my granola nature by borrowing freely from the counter-culture of minority groups. I lack any semblance of talent, but if I’m not thrown in and given a leading role, you can be sure nobody will buy this album and Tipper Gore would have a conniption. I was born for substance abuse and will be the only one to get a solo album and will most likely have a contrived tape of a sex-act with Lindsay Lohan on YouTube soon.

Be the first to download the debut album @ http://www.vflwolfsburg.de/fantuning

Thanks to Jan

The Table Never Lies (11/02)

1. Arsenal
Gilberto is starting to voice concerns about his role in the team. Really? Dude, you're the wrong side of 24, let alone 30. You've been with Wenger for five years and haven't picked up the pattern?

2. Man Utd
Scoring at will…..against shitty teams

3. Man City
6-0 Loss to Chelsea. And yet Garrido was still man of the match.

4. Chelsea
Yes, fans love the new exciting football. Nothing more exciting than a last gasp winner against mighty Leicester City.

5. Blackburn
The U.S. Commerce Department has officially listed Brad Friedel as the lone American Export in any industry that doesn't blow chunks.

6. Liverpool
Okay for the last time: Xabi goes off and Arsenal takes the game to you. This is not a coincidence.

7. Portsmouth
Well now we know where Benjani gets his trademark celebration. It's a tribute to 'Arry who uses it in tirades when fucktards take penalties.

8. Newcastle
Who's missing Martin Jol the most? That’s right Big Sam. The fraction between Jol and Berbatov has abated and now Michael Owen is the best way to fill space in the English rags. I have it on good authority that Owen is off to Dag and Red.

9. Everton
They had to survive while Cahill recovered and now seem poised to jump up the table. They only need to avoid Mark Clattenburg.

10. Aston Villa
Olof Mellberg is possibly off to Juventus. Can you blame him? He lost to his place to Zak Knight. That's like losing a pie-eating contest to an anorexic.

11. West Ham
What's in a name? For Nobby Salano, not a goddamn thing. Truly an oxymoron.

12. Reading
How do you have second season syndrome when you have the same points as the first season?

13. Birmingham
Here's a guarantee. With their midfield (Kapo, de Ridder, Muamba), there is no way that Brum go down. And here's why that guarantee is more useless than the American dollar: Carson Yeung.

14. Fulham
Okay, Bond fan-b0oy, enough with the women's glasses! A real set of spectacles might help you see the abomination that is your team is.

15. Sunderland
Kenwyne Jones is good enough that this team can't possibly go down, no matter how obsessively the defense collects red cards.

16. Wigan
It's looking like Tottenham overpaid for the wrong Bent.

17. Middlesbrough
A little trivia for you: Gareth Southgate has now coaxed as many goals out of Jeremie Aliadiere as Arsene Wenger. Suck on that Frenchy!

18. Tottenham
Well they make suck on the field, but watching this club's off-field antics is rivaling a late night screening of the hot chicks from the L Word grind-fucking the shit out one another.

19. Bolton
They found the right man to guide them through the drop. Megson is beyond reproach when it comes to relegation.

20. Derby
The dreaded vote of confidence for Davies from the new chairman. Newsflash Pearson, A) you look inbred and B) even the Special One couldn't guide this consortium of Sunday pub-siders to safety.

Jol's Blog Will Detail UCL for Daniel Levy

Martin Jol is on the verge of meeting Tottenham Chairman Daniel Levy’s demand of Champion’s League football. While Daniel Levy and Damien Comolli have made a mess of the season at White Hart Lane and ensured their continued absence from Europe’s grand stage, Martin Jol is on the verge of securing his spot in the group stage of this year’s contest.

In fact, if things move quickly, Martin Jol could be making a visit to Fenerbahce next week for his first game. The affable Dutchman is on the verge of taking over at PSV Eindhoven after their manager, Ronald Koeman, agreed to become the new caretaker at Valencia. Sitting currently third in group G behind their next opponent and Inter Milan, the Champion’s League regulars are looking to the man who was so brazenly dumped from his post with the third best team in North London.

The most interesting scenario would see Jol guide the Eredivisie Champions to the UEFA Cup where they could meet his old club in the knock-out stage. A visiting Jol might well ensure that Spurs play their first road game at White Hart Lane. And when PSV concede a late goal to Juande Ramos’ side, the Spurs faithful can go home with that feeling of familiarity that they have so long enjoyed.

Of course there are many mitigating factors that could affect this scenario. The most obvious is that Koeman will most likely be run out of town by Valencia fans by the time you read this and will be back at PSV before they can hire Jol. This isn’t the first time Jol has been within a breath of UCL football to see it slip away. So, Martin Jol has vowed to avoid lasagna until he emerges from the tunnel at Şükrü Saracoğlu Stadium.