The Sun has obtained the following audio footage of Joey Barton meeting his new cell mate, Bruno, who likes sandwiches.
Saturday, December 29, 2007
Friday, December 28, 2007
I Totally Want to Party With Onandi Lowe
Onandi Lowe is the former Jamacian international, who has played professionally with Rushden and Diamonds, Coventry City, Port Vale, Kansas City Wizards and 76.5% of USL teams to have ever existed.
He has had a volatile career that has involved being cut from Miami F.C. for his inability to get along with Romario, being left of the Jamaican team on numerous occasions for attitude problems, and being arrested in England for drug charges. This week it turns out that more problems have found the sharp-shooter. He was arrested in Jamaica on Christmas Eve when it was discovered that he had 42 joints in his car.
But his luck is changing, as it has just been announced that he has won the 1st Annual “Johnny On The Spot” Awesome Soccer Ball Kicker Award (which has a cash prize).
Onandi, if you are reading this, call me at 1-800-NEE-DPOT to pick up your prize. Ask for Johnny. My mom might answer, but she’s totally cool man. She knows to interrupt my game of Halo if you call.
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
You’ve Been Approved
Scousers are a paranoid lot. They always believe that someone is out to get them. They are the Muslims of the football world, where any comment made about Liverpool that isn’t glorious in its praise is an attack on their faith. And you can be damned well sure that any comments made will have them issuing their version of a fatwa: which is calling the 606 and whining about the injustice to their fellow X-filers, Spoony and Alan Greene.
But as the saying goes, just because you’re paranoid, doesn’t mean that someone isn’t out to get you. In the case of Liverpudlians, in another odd coincidence resembling the Mohammedians, the Great Satan is conspiring against them. But here’s where the resemblance ends, because it isn’t the government of the United States that is going after LFC, it’s the citizens.
American spending habits are completely ridiculous and cutoff from the world. While dirty foreigners like to save money, which is about as communist as Lennon’s tomb, American values are all about instant gratification. We are in fact the epitome of Veruka Salt. And our penchant for filling our garages with cheap worthless junk, rather than with say cars, has caused the so-called “Credit Crunch” that is affecting world markets on two fronts. First we are a debtor nation, with most households owing ungodly amounts to Visa as they attempt to pay off $20,000 in DVD’s and trinkets by paying $20 a month. Second, we need bigger houses to store all that unnecessary crap, which has led to a boom in the real estate market. But Americans couldn’t afford the houses they were buying, because of their credit card debt, so banks made un-regulated and un-repayable loans to Jimmy and Jane Trailer Trash, which led to the sub-prime scandal.
How does the effect Liverpool Football Club? Because owners Tom Hicks and George Gillett (himself the proud owner of a bankruptcy claim) can’t borrow any more money. They are broke. And so are the banks. And having leveraged the club to the hilt, they are now unable to even secure loans for the stadium they don’t need but desperately want. England has met the typical suburban white family from America in the guise of two poor (sic) entrepreneurs: they borrow to buy trinkets such as Ryan Babel and they demand a house they can’t afford.
And so Liverpool goes into the New Year without the ability to buy anyone to shore up their faltering League campaign and aid in their monumental task of beating Intermilan. And their failings will further complicate the financial situation. If they weren’t wanted by some Islamofascists from Dubai, the club would be on the verge of a Leeds.
So America, thank you. You’re reckless spending has ruined this once mighty club, even if they don’t realize it yet. And finally we can count on a new team in the big four. And isn’t it grand that the team that just may well benefit from their collapse, to join the elite, is Everton.
But as the saying goes, just because you’re paranoid, doesn’t mean that someone isn’t out to get you. In the case of Liverpudlians, in another odd coincidence resembling the Mohammedians, the Great Satan is conspiring against them. But here’s where the resemblance ends, because it isn’t the government of the United States that is going after LFC, it’s the citizens.
American spending habits are completely ridiculous and cutoff from the world. While dirty foreigners like to save money, which is about as communist as Lennon’s tomb, American values are all about instant gratification. We are in fact the epitome of Veruka Salt. And our penchant for filling our garages with cheap worthless junk, rather than with say cars, has caused the so-called “Credit Crunch” that is affecting world markets on two fronts. First we are a debtor nation, with most households owing ungodly amounts to Visa as they attempt to pay off $20,000 in DVD’s and trinkets by paying $20 a month. Second, we need bigger houses to store all that unnecessary crap, which has led to a boom in the real estate market. But Americans couldn’t afford the houses they were buying, because of their credit card debt, so banks made un-regulated and un-repayable loans to Jimmy and Jane Trailer Trash, which led to the sub-prime scandal.
How does the effect Liverpool Football Club? Because owners Tom Hicks and George Gillett (himself the proud owner of a bankruptcy claim) can’t borrow any more money. They are broke. And so are the banks. And having leveraged the club to the hilt, they are now unable to even secure loans for the stadium they don’t need but desperately want. England has met the typical suburban white family from America in the guise of two poor (sic) entrepreneurs: they borrow to buy trinkets such as Ryan Babel and they demand a house they can’t afford.
And so Liverpool goes into the New Year without the ability to buy anyone to shore up their faltering League campaign and aid in their monumental task of beating Intermilan. And their failings will further complicate the financial situation. If they weren’t wanted by some Islamofascists from Dubai, the club would be on the verge of a Leeds.
So America, thank you. You’re reckless spending has ruined this once mighty club, even if they don’t realize it yet. And finally we can count on a new team in the big four. And isn’t it grand that the team that just may well benefit from their collapse, to join the elite, is Everton.
Chelsea and Villa vs. Phil Dowd
While fans, players and managers have lambasted referee Phil Dowd for the way he called the Villa-Chelsea 4 all thriller on Boxing Day, it is apparent that the complaints are completely unjustified.
But how is that possible, after all we’ve seen him lambasted by journos and gaffers on television and in print? Well, it’s because nobody takes time to watch the ref. They make emotional judgments based on a few moments during the game; whereas, I watch the game and judge the ref. See for yourself as I breakdown every call and non-call (offsides excluded) made by Dowd in this highly charged match.
4’ – Paulo Ferreira hauls down Shaun Maloney, who has beaten him to the ball. While Ferreira did foul and Dowd made the right call, Ferreira argued.
9’ – Agbonlahor is called for a shirt tug on Essien deep in Chelsea territory. Essien has won the ball, but Olberg is closing down and Gabby is still on Essien’s trail. While there is territory for Essien to exploit, it is behind Dowd. Essien is running towards Dowd who calls the foul, which is immediately argued by Chelsea because they wanted advantage. While it should have been allowed, Dowd can’t see the space behind him and makes the proper call from his angle.
12’ – Laursen clatters into Pizarro in the box and a free kick is called. Villa argues, but while it is an iffy call in slow motion and in reflection, there is plenty of contact and there is nothing wrong with the call.
18’ – When Maloney puts a body on Kalou, Dowd plays advantage. He missed Kalou’s fist to Maloney’s face. This was dangerous but not calculated. Dowd (or more likely his linesman) should have seen this and cautioned if not yellowed Kalou.
19’ – Essien takes down a streaking Gabby in the midfield and is issued a yellow for a professional foul. It’s the proper call.
20’ – Reo-Coker fouls Kalou right outside of Villa’s box. It’s a good call and leads to a freekick.
22’ – Cole is fouled and Dowd calls it. This does not stop Ashley Cole from spitting vile at him.
22’ – Sheva fouls NRK, who becomes incensed by the foul. Shevchenko apologizes and Dowd calls it. He immediately yells at Reo-Coker to calm down and he walks away. He manages the situation properly and keeps tensions in check.
25’ – Shevchenko and Laursen bang heads on a fight for a ball in the air. Nobody is at fault and a drop ball is rewarded.
26’ – Reo-Coker fouls Ballack hard and is given a stern warning to calm him down. While this is the second time Dowd has had to talk to the Villa midfielder, the first time was after he had been fouled. So Dowd does the right thing to keep the game in check.
27’ – We see our first bad call by Dowd. Barry and Ballack tangle in the midfield. Ballack blatantly strikes out and hits Barry in the face. Dowd calls the foul on Barry for leg contact. This is a missed yellow that allows Ballack to continue to play recklessly. However, nothing results from the wrong decision.
29’ – Ashley Cole dives in the box and demands a penalty. It looked like a dive when it first happen, and upon further viewing it is most certainly a cardable offense for Cole, who isn’t even touched on the play. But Dowd does not call the foul.
45’ plus – For 19 minutes, there are no fouls and play is allowed to develop freely. There are three instances with niggly contact that Dowd overlooks, but he’s right to allow it as he shepherds this entertaining period by keeping himself out of spotlight. However, in the 48th, Zak Knight receives a red card and a penalty is awarded when he takes down Ballack in the box. I watched this over and over, and I think that the German captain made a meal of the contact to draw the penalty. But whatever he did, there was enough contact both with the arm and feet that Ballack’s dive would seem legitimate at full speed. Had he not called this, there would have been as much fuss as there is now. And to be honest, Collina would have probably called this. I think Dowd saw this as a foul and awarded the penalty justly from his perspective. As for the red card, if he saw the play as a foul then Zak Knight took down the last man and he has to be red carded. Villa fans may not like the call, but Dowd has done nothing wrong here. Ballack, however, has no class.
47’ – Ballack falls in the penalty box again. But this time, he clearly tripped over Laursen’s feet and Dowd makes no call.
48’ – In his own box, Gareth Barry takes a ball off his chest, near his shoulder. Fans call for a handball, which is quite obviously not. Dowd rightfully makes no call.
53’ – Dowd makes sure that Chelsea free kick, which was awarded for offside, is taken from the proper placement. It slows down Chelsea, but he is in the right to do this.
54’ – Reo-Coker takes out Essien’s feet. He is shown the yellow. This is the first questionable challenge (and that this was a foul is in no means questionable) NRK has put in since his warning and Dowd dutifully books him. He properly dealt with this.
56’ – Laursen tackles the ball from Pizarro right in front of Dowd. Laursen gets all ball, but Pizarro rolls around dramatically. Dowd makes no call.
57’ – Ashley Young tries to get through Alex and Ferreira in Chelsea’s box. They close down on him and his attempt to run on to his own through ball is stopped when the ball hits Ferreira in the midsection. Young calls for a handball, but Dowd sees it perfectly.
58’ – Carew clips Ashley Cole’s feet and a freekick is awarded.
60’ – Reo-Coker is fouled but comes away with the ball. Advantage is rightly played.
63’ – Ashley Cole take down by Carew, who is not happy, but the foul is obvious.
64’ – Kalou hits Carew with his arm in the face. This is now the 3rd errant arm contact that Dowd has allowed.
65’ – Joe Cole is expertly dispossessed by Bouma and rolls around like he was shot by a sniper. Dowd, like anyone with eyes, isn’t fooled.
68’ – Bouma is fouled by Joe Cole. Bouma miked it, but most referees would have called it and it does not affect play.
77’ – Another 10 minutes without any calls and it is break neck football. A foul is called on the edge of Chelsea’s area. Ashley Young is surrounded by Ferreira and Alex when the call is made. At first, it looks like a poor call, but after rewinding and focusing on Alex rather than Paulo, the Brazilian centerhalf is definitely guilty of stud contact on Young. This leads to the leveling goal.
80’ - Carvalho commits a horror challenge and is lucky to not have grossly injured Agbonlahor. He is given a straight red.
82’ – Throw-in given to Chelsea, even though linesman awarded it to Villa. Dowd waves it off because linesman is blocked by Ashley Cole when the ball goes off Gabby.
85’ – The freekick. This is the only bad call of the entire game. The angle we see the play is 180° opposite of Dowd’s view. It looks like Joe Cole is going down before he can even touch the ball. But after watching it 20-30 times, Cole is falling the minute it came off Curtis Davies to draw the kick. There is no body contact by Laursen and NRK doesn’t touch Joe Cole. Then they show the second angle, directly behind the play, and Cole’s dive is so egregious that he should be banned for 3 games in hindsight. Dowd made the wrong call, but due to the angle and the dirty tactics of the Englishman, he can’t be blamed.
89’ – Ashley Cole trips over the ball but demands a foul. None is given.
90’ (plus) – As Ashley Cole comes off the field, he pats his pectoral muscle as if that is where he had made contact with the ball on the goal line that led to his red card and a penalty. However, every replay shows the ball going off his arm. It may have inadvertently his arm, but intentions matter little on the goal line, as his arm most assuredly stopped the equalizing goal. And by doing so, the letter of the law says he has to go. Dowd absolutely got this one right.
As is evident, Dowd is guilt of only two things: not cautioning players for striking other players with their arms and being fooled by dishonest and disingenuous players. Otherwise, he called a near perfect game with only Bouma’s foul, on a play of no consequence, being his fault. That’s right, one call the entire game that he can be blamed for. Any other errors are due to angle or cheating. The freekick on the Cole dive was poor but his angle was blocked by Laursen. Ballack’s penalty was gamesmanship.
Meanwhile, there are almost a dozen non-fouls not called. Every other foul that was called was most assuredly just that: a foul. The sending-offs were proper by the letter of the law, and he consulted his linesman on all of them. He even allowed the game to flow when he could.
Good game Phil Dowd. I may be the only person that compliments you on your performance, but then again, I’m the only one that spent time analyzing your performance.
So go blame the dirty players on both sides who argue and niggle and cheat at every moment. Or the managers who are too conceited or afraid to blame themselves or their players for the cheapening of the game. And for God’s sake, stop spouting off nationalist propaganda about Englishman not diving: they go down quicker…..well I’ll leave that comparison to you.
But how is that possible, after all we’ve seen him lambasted by journos and gaffers on television and in print? Well, it’s because nobody takes time to watch the ref. They make emotional judgments based on a few moments during the game; whereas, I watch the game and judge the ref. See for yourself as I breakdown every call and non-call (offsides excluded) made by Dowd in this highly charged match.
4’ – Paulo Ferreira hauls down Shaun Maloney, who has beaten him to the ball. While Ferreira did foul and Dowd made the right call, Ferreira argued.
9’ – Agbonlahor is called for a shirt tug on Essien deep in Chelsea territory. Essien has won the ball, but Olberg is closing down and Gabby is still on Essien’s trail. While there is territory for Essien to exploit, it is behind Dowd. Essien is running towards Dowd who calls the foul, which is immediately argued by Chelsea because they wanted advantage. While it should have been allowed, Dowd can’t see the space behind him and makes the proper call from his angle.
12’ – Laursen clatters into Pizarro in the box and a free kick is called. Villa argues, but while it is an iffy call in slow motion and in reflection, there is plenty of contact and there is nothing wrong with the call.
18’ – When Maloney puts a body on Kalou, Dowd plays advantage. He missed Kalou’s fist to Maloney’s face. This was dangerous but not calculated. Dowd (or more likely his linesman) should have seen this and cautioned if not yellowed Kalou.
19’ – Essien takes down a streaking Gabby in the midfield and is issued a yellow for a professional foul. It’s the proper call.
20’ – Reo-Coker fouls Kalou right outside of Villa’s box. It’s a good call and leads to a freekick.
22’ – Cole is fouled and Dowd calls it. This does not stop Ashley Cole from spitting vile at him.
22’ – Sheva fouls NRK, who becomes incensed by the foul. Shevchenko apologizes and Dowd calls it. He immediately yells at Reo-Coker to calm down and he walks away. He manages the situation properly and keeps tensions in check.
25’ – Shevchenko and Laursen bang heads on a fight for a ball in the air. Nobody is at fault and a drop ball is rewarded.
26’ – Reo-Coker fouls Ballack hard and is given a stern warning to calm him down. While this is the second time Dowd has had to talk to the Villa midfielder, the first time was after he had been fouled. So Dowd does the right thing to keep the game in check.
27’ – We see our first bad call by Dowd. Barry and Ballack tangle in the midfield. Ballack blatantly strikes out and hits Barry in the face. Dowd calls the foul on Barry for leg contact. This is a missed yellow that allows Ballack to continue to play recklessly. However, nothing results from the wrong decision.
29’ – Ashley Cole dives in the box and demands a penalty. It looked like a dive when it first happen, and upon further viewing it is most certainly a cardable offense for Cole, who isn’t even touched on the play. But Dowd does not call the foul.
45’ plus – For 19 minutes, there are no fouls and play is allowed to develop freely. There are three instances with niggly contact that Dowd overlooks, but he’s right to allow it as he shepherds this entertaining period by keeping himself out of spotlight. However, in the 48th, Zak Knight receives a red card and a penalty is awarded when he takes down Ballack in the box. I watched this over and over, and I think that the German captain made a meal of the contact to draw the penalty. But whatever he did, there was enough contact both with the arm and feet that Ballack’s dive would seem legitimate at full speed. Had he not called this, there would have been as much fuss as there is now. And to be honest, Collina would have probably called this. I think Dowd saw this as a foul and awarded the penalty justly from his perspective. As for the red card, if he saw the play as a foul then Zak Knight took down the last man and he has to be red carded. Villa fans may not like the call, but Dowd has done nothing wrong here. Ballack, however, has no class.
47’ – Ballack falls in the penalty box again. But this time, he clearly tripped over Laursen’s feet and Dowd makes no call.
48’ – In his own box, Gareth Barry takes a ball off his chest, near his shoulder. Fans call for a handball, which is quite obviously not. Dowd rightfully makes no call.
53’ – Dowd makes sure that Chelsea free kick, which was awarded for offside, is taken from the proper placement. It slows down Chelsea, but he is in the right to do this.
54’ – Reo-Coker takes out Essien’s feet. He is shown the yellow. This is the first questionable challenge (and that this was a foul is in no means questionable) NRK has put in since his warning and Dowd dutifully books him. He properly dealt with this.
56’ – Laursen tackles the ball from Pizarro right in front of Dowd. Laursen gets all ball, but Pizarro rolls around dramatically. Dowd makes no call.
57’ – Ashley Young tries to get through Alex and Ferreira in Chelsea’s box. They close down on him and his attempt to run on to his own through ball is stopped when the ball hits Ferreira in the midsection. Young calls for a handball, but Dowd sees it perfectly.
58’ – Carew clips Ashley Cole’s feet and a freekick is awarded.
60’ – Reo-Coker is fouled but comes away with the ball. Advantage is rightly played.
63’ – Ashley Cole take down by Carew, who is not happy, but the foul is obvious.
64’ – Kalou hits Carew with his arm in the face. This is now the 3rd errant arm contact that Dowd has allowed.
65’ – Joe Cole is expertly dispossessed by Bouma and rolls around like he was shot by a sniper. Dowd, like anyone with eyes, isn’t fooled.
68’ – Bouma is fouled by Joe Cole. Bouma miked it, but most referees would have called it and it does not affect play.
77’ – Another 10 minutes without any calls and it is break neck football. A foul is called on the edge of Chelsea’s area. Ashley Young is surrounded by Ferreira and Alex when the call is made. At first, it looks like a poor call, but after rewinding and focusing on Alex rather than Paulo, the Brazilian centerhalf is definitely guilty of stud contact on Young. This leads to the leveling goal.
80’ - Carvalho commits a horror challenge and is lucky to not have grossly injured Agbonlahor. He is given a straight red.
82’ – Throw-in given to Chelsea, even though linesman awarded it to Villa. Dowd waves it off because linesman is blocked by Ashley Cole when the ball goes off Gabby.
85’ – The freekick. This is the only bad call of the entire game. The angle we see the play is 180° opposite of Dowd’s view. It looks like Joe Cole is going down before he can even touch the ball. But after watching it 20-30 times, Cole is falling the minute it came off Curtis Davies to draw the kick. There is no body contact by Laursen and NRK doesn’t touch Joe Cole. Then they show the second angle, directly behind the play, and Cole’s dive is so egregious that he should be banned for 3 games in hindsight. Dowd made the wrong call, but due to the angle and the dirty tactics of the Englishman, he can’t be blamed.
89’ – Ashley Cole trips over the ball but demands a foul. None is given.
90’ (plus) – As Ashley Cole comes off the field, he pats his pectoral muscle as if that is where he had made contact with the ball on the goal line that led to his red card and a penalty. However, every replay shows the ball going off his arm. It may have inadvertently his arm, but intentions matter little on the goal line, as his arm most assuredly stopped the equalizing goal. And by doing so, the letter of the law says he has to go. Dowd absolutely got this one right.
As is evident, Dowd is guilt of only two things: not cautioning players for striking other players with their arms and being fooled by dishonest and disingenuous players. Otherwise, he called a near perfect game with only Bouma’s foul, on a play of no consequence, being his fault. That’s right, one call the entire game that he can be blamed for. Any other errors are due to angle or cheating. The freekick on the Cole dive was poor but his angle was blocked by Laursen. Ballack’s penalty was gamesmanship.
Meanwhile, there are almost a dozen non-fouls not called. Every other foul that was called was most assuredly just that: a foul. The sending-offs were proper by the letter of the law, and he consulted his linesman on all of them. He even allowed the game to flow when he could.
Good game Phil Dowd. I may be the only person that compliments you on your performance, but then again, I’m the only one that spent time analyzing your performance.
So go blame the dirty players on both sides who argue and niggle and cheat at every moment. Or the managers who are too conceited or afraid to blame themselves or their players for the cheapening of the game. And for God’s sake, stop spouting off nationalist propaganda about Englishman not diving: they go down quicker…..well I’ll leave that comparison to you.
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
Is this what happiness feels like? I'm not impressed.
For Spurs supporters, Saturday can not come soon enough. A stellar 10 days has seen them win two crucial league games against top six opponents. In addition they have booked their place in the semi-finals of the Carling Cup by ending Manchester City ’s phenomenal home record this season, in a 2-0 drubbing while playing a man short for 70 minutes. The pending return of their captain Ledley King is further good news for the North London club that has been mired in an epic failing on all levels this season.
The Christmas spirit that has been inflicted upon the Yid faithful has left them feeling uncomfortable. “Downright creepy” is how one fan described it. Sickened by the prospect of hope and embittered by having to enjoy their pints at the local, the Yid faithful has pinned its hopes of a return to the comforting feelings of self-loathing and dread on the visit to bitter rival Arsenal this weekend.
With Arsenal bucking pre-season prognostication to sit atop of the table with a flowing style of football, Spurs fans can count on the usual drubbing from the Woolwich Wanderers. A sound defeat will scrub the feelings of joy and happiness from the Lillywhites and let them get back to what they do best: hating Sol Campbell, that cunt.
The Christmas spirit that has been inflicted upon the Yid faithful has left them feeling uncomfortable. “Downright creepy” is how one fan described it. Sickened by the prospect of hope and embittered by having to enjoy their pints at the local, the Yid faithful has pinned its hopes of a return to the comforting feelings of self-loathing and dread on the visit to bitter rival Arsenal this weekend.
With Arsenal bucking pre-season prognostication to sit atop of the table with a flowing style of football, Spurs fans can count on the usual drubbing from the Woolwich Wanderers. A sound defeat will scrub the feelings of joy and happiness from the Lillywhites and let them get back to what they do best: hating Sol Campbell, that cunt.
Friday, December 14, 2007
Kicking Em While They Are Down
Some Arsenal fan created the following and posted it on YouTube. As a Spurs supporter, I must say that that I nearly hyperventilated watching this, it's so funny. Whoever did this is a genius.
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
Tom Cruise in Brown Street Hooligans
Tom Cruise sure loves sawker. Why he even wants to buy the L.A. Galaxy, and not just because Xenu was a Galaxian. He has also been seen at the Bernabeu.
But perhaps its more than football? Look, we all know Tom Cruise is gay. And his 5 year, $25 million, no-sex contract (which is up in 2010) with Katie Holmes has assured us that Suri was the product of a sexy three-way between Mrs. Cruise, Mrs. Holmes and Mr. Turkey Baster. But if he had been forced to stick his wee-wee in Katie's hoo-ha in order to concieve a child to avoid the persistent rumor that he was caught in bed with Matchbox 20's Rob Thomas, I think that I have an idea of what he painted on his eyelids to get through the humiliation of vaginal sex.
This:
But perhaps its more than football? Look, we all know Tom Cruise is gay. And his 5 year, $25 million, no-sex contract (which is up in 2010) with Katie Holmes has assured us that Suri was the product of a sexy three-way between Mrs. Cruise, Mrs. Holmes and Mr. Turkey Baster. But if he had been forced to stick his wee-wee in Katie's hoo-ha in order to concieve a child to avoid the persistent rumor that he was caught in bed with Matchbox 20's Rob Thomas, I think that I have an idea of what he painted on his eyelids to get through the humiliation of vaginal sex.
This:
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
The Table Never Lies (12/11)
1. Arsenal
Spurs win and the Gunners lose. Satan must be freezing at the moment, but not more than Arsenal supporters, who are facing their first crisis of the campaign.
2. Manchester United
Loius Saha blames wear and tear for his pattern of missed games. I have two problems with his analysis: use of the words wear and tear.
3. Chelsea
Claiming that Drogba will be back in three weeks and then trying to force him out of the African Cup of Nations due to the same injury is an excellent idea….if you want to push him out of the door any quicker.
4. Liverpool
This is the Rafa Express. Last stop….Velodrome. Please check your seats to make sure that no personal items or unsightly facial hair are left behind.
5. Portsmouth
Ole ‘Arry doesn’t believe fathers should encourage their sons to curse. You can’t spell hypocrite without F-U-C-K O-F-F Y-O-U S-E-N-S-I-T-I-V-E G-I-T.
6. Manchester City
The big question is, “what did Young Pyo-Lee say about Dick Daddy’s follicular issues?”
7. Everton
Mike Hanke and Yakubu both scored hat-tricks this past weekend. What else do the Hannover forward and the ‘Boro reject have in common: they will both score again in February.
8. Aston Villa
How do you motivate your two best defenders when they both sign pre-contracts on January 2nd? We’ll find out in 3 weeks.
9. Blackburn
Hmmm…..Benni storms off like a baby and you win. Benni remains on the pitch, the epitome of classic Greek sculpture, and you lose…..Pattern?
10. West Ham
Why does Trevor Brookings want Alan Curbishley to be the next failure for England? If he can make Carlton Cole look serviceable, think what he could do with a team of Carlton Coles.
11. Newcastle United
If they spike the River Tyne with lithium, do you think Geordies might find an ounce of sanity? Nah, Big Sam is two wins away from having calls for his head for playing Le Football Un-Sexy.
12. Reading
Coppell wants out….and he’s taking Rafa with him.
13. Tottenham Hotspur
Punters rue missed opportunity when Chimbonda scored the massively rare off-side handball goal.
14. Bolton Wanderers
Nicolas Anelka will leave Bolton this January. Surprisingly is will not be for United or Chelsea….rather he’s going to take up Gaelic.
15. Birmingham City
Well one win and one loss for new boss McLeish, against teams that that think they are way better than they really are.
16. Middlesbrough
What the fuck was that?
17. Fulham
Lawrie Sanchez is in hot pursuit of West Ham’s Bobby Zamora. It’s all a clever Bond-like scheme to corner the world market on useless strikers.
18. Sunderland
Keane is finding himself in hot water with the F.A. over comments made about England’s captain following the 2-0 loss this weekend. His crime: telling the truth.
19. Wigan Athletic
And Bruce thought he had shit defending at Brum.
20. Derby County
Got there managerial bounce by scoring a road goal against a giant. At least Giles Barnes isn’t being linked to every club in the top-flight, D’OH!
Spurs win and the Gunners lose. Satan must be freezing at the moment, but not more than Arsenal supporters, who are facing their first crisis of the campaign.
2. Manchester United
Loius Saha blames wear and tear for his pattern of missed games. I have two problems with his analysis: use of the words wear and tear.
3. Chelsea
Claiming that Drogba will be back in three weeks and then trying to force him out of the African Cup of Nations due to the same injury is an excellent idea….if you want to push him out of the door any quicker.
4. Liverpool
This is the Rafa Express. Last stop….Velodrome. Please check your seats to make sure that no personal items or unsightly facial hair are left behind.
5. Portsmouth
Ole ‘Arry doesn’t believe fathers should encourage their sons to curse. You can’t spell hypocrite without F-U-C-K O-F-F Y-O-U S-E-N-S-I-T-I-V-E G-I-T.
6. Manchester City
The big question is, “what did Young Pyo-Lee say about Dick Daddy’s follicular issues?”
7. Everton
Mike Hanke and Yakubu both scored hat-tricks this past weekend. What else do the Hannover forward and the ‘Boro reject have in common: they will both score again in February.
8. Aston Villa
How do you motivate your two best defenders when they both sign pre-contracts on January 2nd? We’ll find out in 3 weeks.
9. Blackburn
Hmmm…..Benni storms off like a baby and you win. Benni remains on the pitch, the epitome of classic Greek sculpture, and you lose…..Pattern?
10. West Ham
Why does Trevor Brookings want Alan Curbishley to be the next failure for England? If he can make Carlton Cole look serviceable, think what he could do with a team of Carlton Coles.
11. Newcastle United
If they spike the River Tyne with lithium, do you think Geordies might find an ounce of sanity? Nah, Big Sam is two wins away from having calls for his head for playing Le Football Un-Sexy.
12. Reading
Coppell wants out….and he’s taking Rafa with him.
13. Tottenham Hotspur
Punters rue missed opportunity when Chimbonda scored the massively rare off-side handball goal.
14. Bolton Wanderers
Nicolas Anelka will leave Bolton this January. Surprisingly is will not be for United or Chelsea….rather he’s going to take up Gaelic.
15. Birmingham City
Well one win and one loss for new boss McLeish, against teams that that think they are way better than they really are.
16. Middlesbrough
What the fuck was that?
17. Fulham
Lawrie Sanchez is in hot pursuit of West Ham’s Bobby Zamora. It’s all a clever Bond-like scheme to corner the world market on useless strikers.
18. Sunderland
Keane is finding himself in hot water with the F.A. over comments made about England’s captain following the 2-0 loss this weekend. His crime: telling the truth.
19. Wigan Athletic
And Bruce thought he had shit defending at Brum.
20. Derby County
Got there managerial bounce by scoring a road goal against a giant. At least Giles Barnes isn’t being linked to every club in the top-flight, D’OH!
Monday, December 3, 2007
"A" You're Adorable, "B" You're So Beatable
Having lost this past weekend to Arsenal at home, Martin O’Neill’s men find their three game winning streak abruptly ended. Having beaten Birmingham City , Boro and Blackburn consecutively, Randy Learner has seen the pattern. Realizing that Villa’s only hope of ever winning the league lies in a table of alphabetical weighting, he has vowed to support lower level teams until the EPL looks like this:
2. Blackburn
3. Birmingham City
4.Bolton
5.Bristol City
6.Barnsley
7.Burnley
8. Blackpool
9. Brighton & HoveAlbion
10. Bristol Rovers
11. Bournemouth
12. Barnet
13. Bury
14. BradfordCity
15. Brentford
16. BurtonAlbion
17. Burscough
18. Bath City
19. Bishop's Stortford
20. Boston United
2. Blackburn
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9. Brighton & Hove
10. Bristol Rovers
11. Bournemouth
12. Barnet
13. Bury
14. Bradford
15. Brentford
16. Burton
17. Burscough
18. Bath City
19. Bishop's Stortford
20. Boston United
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