The Sun has obtained the following audio footage of Joey Barton meeting his new cell mate, Bruno, who likes sandwiches.
Saturday, December 29, 2007
Friday, December 28, 2007
I Totally Want to Party With Onandi Lowe
Onandi Lowe is the former Jamacian international, who has played professionally with Rushden and Diamonds, Coventry City, Port Vale, Kansas City Wizards and 76.5% of USL teams to have ever existed.
He has had a volatile career that has involved being cut from Miami F.C. for his inability to get along with Romario, being left of the Jamaican team on numerous occasions for attitude problems, and being arrested in England for drug charges. This week it turns out that more problems have found the sharp-shooter. He was arrested in Jamaica on Christmas Eve when it was discovered that he had 42 joints in his car.
But his luck is changing, as it has just been announced that he has won the 1st Annual “Johnny On The Spot” Awesome Soccer Ball Kicker Award (which has a cash prize).
Onandi, if you are reading this, call me at 1-800-NEE-DPOT to pick up your prize. Ask for Johnny. My mom might answer, but she’s totally cool man. She knows to interrupt my game of Halo if you call.
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
You’ve Been Approved
Scousers are a paranoid lot. They always believe that someone is out to get them. They are the Muslims of the football world, where any comment made about Liverpool that isn’t glorious in its praise is an attack on their faith. And you can be damned well sure that any comments made will have them issuing their version of a fatwa: which is calling the 606 and whining about the injustice to their fellow X-filers, Spoony and Alan Greene.
But as the saying goes, just because you’re paranoid, doesn’t mean that someone isn’t out to get you. In the case of Liverpudlians, in another odd coincidence resembling the Mohammedians, the Great Satan is conspiring against them. But here’s where the resemblance ends, because it isn’t the government of the United States that is going after LFC, it’s the citizens.
American spending habits are completely ridiculous and cutoff from the world. While dirty foreigners like to save money, which is about as communist as Lennon’s tomb, American values are all about instant gratification. We are in fact the epitome of Veruka Salt. And our penchant for filling our garages with cheap worthless junk, rather than with say cars, has caused the so-called “Credit Crunch” that is affecting world markets on two fronts. First we are a debtor nation, with most households owing ungodly amounts to Visa as they attempt to pay off $20,000 in DVD’s and trinkets by paying $20 a month. Second, we need bigger houses to store all that unnecessary crap, which has led to a boom in the real estate market. But Americans couldn’t afford the houses they were buying, because of their credit card debt, so banks made un-regulated and un-repayable loans to Jimmy and Jane Trailer Trash, which led to the sub-prime scandal.
How does the effect Liverpool Football Club? Because owners Tom Hicks and George Gillett (himself the proud owner of a bankruptcy claim) can’t borrow any more money. They are broke. And so are the banks. And having leveraged the club to the hilt, they are now unable to even secure loans for the stadium they don’t need but desperately want. England has met the typical suburban white family from America in the guise of two poor (sic) entrepreneurs: they borrow to buy trinkets such as Ryan Babel and they demand a house they can’t afford.
And so Liverpool goes into the New Year without the ability to buy anyone to shore up their faltering League campaign and aid in their monumental task of beating Intermilan. And their failings will further complicate the financial situation. If they weren’t wanted by some Islamofascists from Dubai, the club would be on the verge of a Leeds.
So America, thank you. You’re reckless spending has ruined this once mighty club, even if they don’t realize it yet. And finally we can count on a new team in the big four. And isn’t it grand that the team that just may well benefit from their collapse, to join the elite, is Everton.
But as the saying goes, just because you’re paranoid, doesn’t mean that someone isn’t out to get you. In the case of Liverpudlians, in another odd coincidence resembling the Mohammedians, the Great Satan is conspiring against them. But here’s where the resemblance ends, because it isn’t the government of the United States that is going after LFC, it’s the citizens.
American spending habits are completely ridiculous and cutoff from the world. While dirty foreigners like to save money, which is about as communist as Lennon’s tomb, American values are all about instant gratification. We are in fact the epitome of Veruka Salt. And our penchant for filling our garages with cheap worthless junk, rather than with say cars, has caused the so-called “Credit Crunch” that is affecting world markets on two fronts. First we are a debtor nation, with most households owing ungodly amounts to Visa as they attempt to pay off $20,000 in DVD’s and trinkets by paying $20 a month. Second, we need bigger houses to store all that unnecessary crap, which has led to a boom in the real estate market. But Americans couldn’t afford the houses they were buying, because of their credit card debt, so banks made un-regulated and un-repayable loans to Jimmy and Jane Trailer Trash, which led to the sub-prime scandal.
How does the effect Liverpool Football Club? Because owners Tom Hicks and George Gillett (himself the proud owner of a bankruptcy claim) can’t borrow any more money. They are broke. And so are the banks. And having leveraged the club to the hilt, they are now unable to even secure loans for the stadium they don’t need but desperately want. England has met the typical suburban white family from America in the guise of two poor (sic) entrepreneurs: they borrow to buy trinkets such as Ryan Babel and they demand a house they can’t afford.
And so Liverpool goes into the New Year without the ability to buy anyone to shore up their faltering League campaign and aid in their monumental task of beating Intermilan. And their failings will further complicate the financial situation. If they weren’t wanted by some Islamofascists from Dubai, the club would be on the verge of a Leeds.
So America, thank you. You’re reckless spending has ruined this once mighty club, even if they don’t realize it yet. And finally we can count on a new team in the big four. And isn’t it grand that the team that just may well benefit from their collapse, to join the elite, is Everton.
Chelsea and Villa vs. Phil Dowd
While fans, players and managers have lambasted referee Phil Dowd for the way he called the Villa-Chelsea 4 all thriller on Boxing Day, it is apparent that the complaints are completely unjustified.
But how is that possible, after all we’ve seen him lambasted by journos and gaffers on television and in print? Well, it’s because nobody takes time to watch the ref. They make emotional judgments based on a few moments during the game; whereas, I watch the game and judge the ref. See for yourself as I breakdown every call and non-call (offsides excluded) made by Dowd in this highly charged match.
4’ – Paulo Ferreira hauls down Shaun Maloney, who has beaten him to the ball. While Ferreira did foul and Dowd made the right call, Ferreira argued.
9’ – Agbonlahor is called for a shirt tug on Essien deep in Chelsea territory. Essien has won the ball, but Olberg is closing down and Gabby is still on Essien’s trail. While there is territory for Essien to exploit, it is behind Dowd. Essien is running towards Dowd who calls the foul, which is immediately argued by Chelsea because they wanted advantage. While it should have been allowed, Dowd can’t see the space behind him and makes the proper call from his angle.
12’ – Laursen clatters into Pizarro in the box and a free kick is called. Villa argues, but while it is an iffy call in slow motion and in reflection, there is plenty of contact and there is nothing wrong with the call.
18’ – When Maloney puts a body on Kalou, Dowd plays advantage. He missed Kalou’s fist to Maloney’s face. This was dangerous but not calculated. Dowd (or more likely his linesman) should have seen this and cautioned if not yellowed Kalou.
19’ – Essien takes down a streaking Gabby in the midfield and is issued a yellow for a professional foul. It’s the proper call.
20’ – Reo-Coker fouls Kalou right outside of Villa’s box. It’s a good call and leads to a freekick.
22’ – Cole is fouled and Dowd calls it. This does not stop Ashley Cole from spitting vile at him.
22’ – Sheva fouls NRK, who becomes incensed by the foul. Shevchenko apologizes and Dowd calls it. He immediately yells at Reo-Coker to calm down and he walks away. He manages the situation properly and keeps tensions in check.
25’ – Shevchenko and Laursen bang heads on a fight for a ball in the air. Nobody is at fault and a drop ball is rewarded.
26’ – Reo-Coker fouls Ballack hard and is given a stern warning to calm him down. While this is the second time Dowd has had to talk to the Villa midfielder, the first time was after he had been fouled. So Dowd does the right thing to keep the game in check.
27’ – We see our first bad call by Dowd. Barry and Ballack tangle in the midfield. Ballack blatantly strikes out and hits Barry in the face. Dowd calls the foul on Barry for leg contact. This is a missed yellow that allows Ballack to continue to play recklessly. However, nothing results from the wrong decision.
29’ – Ashley Cole dives in the box and demands a penalty. It looked like a dive when it first happen, and upon further viewing it is most certainly a cardable offense for Cole, who isn’t even touched on the play. But Dowd does not call the foul.
45’ plus – For 19 minutes, there are no fouls and play is allowed to develop freely. There are three instances with niggly contact that Dowd overlooks, but he’s right to allow it as he shepherds this entertaining period by keeping himself out of spotlight. However, in the 48th, Zak Knight receives a red card and a penalty is awarded when he takes down Ballack in the box. I watched this over and over, and I think that the German captain made a meal of the contact to draw the penalty. But whatever he did, there was enough contact both with the arm and feet that Ballack’s dive would seem legitimate at full speed. Had he not called this, there would have been as much fuss as there is now. And to be honest, Collina would have probably called this. I think Dowd saw this as a foul and awarded the penalty justly from his perspective. As for the red card, if he saw the play as a foul then Zak Knight took down the last man and he has to be red carded. Villa fans may not like the call, but Dowd has done nothing wrong here. Ballack, however, has no class.
47’ – Ballack falls in the penalty box again. But this time, he clearly tripped over Laursen’s feet and Dowd makes no call.
48’ – In his own box, Gareth Barry takes a ball off his chest, near his shoulder. Fans call for a handball, which is quite obviously not. Dowd rightfully makes no call.
53’ – Dowd makes sure that Chelsea free kick, which was awarded for offside, is taken from the proper placement. It slows down Chelsea, but he is in the right to do this.
54’ – Reo-Coker takes out Essien’s feet. He is shown the yellow. This is the first questionable challenge (and that this was a foul is in no means questionable) NRK has put in since his warning and Dowd dutifully books him. He properly dealt with this.
56’ – Laursen tackles the ball from Pizarro right in front of Dowd. Laursen gets all ball, but Pizarro rolls around dramatically. Dowd makes no call.
57’ – Ashley Young tries to get through Alex and Ferreira in Chelsea’s box. They close down on him and his attempt to run on to his own through ball is stopped when the ball hits Ferreira in the midsection. Young calls for a handball, but Dowd sees it perfectly.
58’ – Carew clips Ashley Cole’s feet and a freekick is awarded.
60’ – Reo-Coker is fouled but comes away with the ball. Advantage is rightly played.
63’ – Ashley Cole take down by Carew, who is not happy, but the foul is obvious.
64’ – Kalou hits Carew with his arm in the face. This is now the 3rd errant arm contact that Dowd has allowed.
65’ – Joe Cole is expertly dispossessed by Bouma and rolls around like he was shot by a sniper. Dowd, like anyone with eyes, isn’t fooled.
68’ – Bouma is fouled by Joe Cole. Bouma miked it, but most referees would have called it and it does not affect play.
77’ – Another 10 minutes without any calls and it is break neck football. A foul is called on the edge of Chelsea’s area. Ashley Young is surrounded by Ferreira and Alex when the call is made. At first, it looks like a poor call, but after rewinding and focusing on Alex rather than Paulo, the Brazilian centerhalf is definitely guilty of stud contact on Young. This leads to the leveling goal.
80’ - Carvalho commits a horror challenge and is lucky to not have grossly injured Agbonlahor. He is given a straight red.
82’ – Throw-in given to Chelsea, even though linesman awarded it to Villa. Dowd waves it off because linesman is blocked by Ashley Cole when the ball goes off Gabby.
85’ – The freekick. This is the only bad call of the entire game. The angle we see the play is 180° opposite of Dowd’s view. It looks like Joe Cole is going down before he can even touch the ball. But after watching it 20-30 times, Cole is falling the minute it came off Curtis Davies to draw the kick. There is no body contact by Laursen and NRK doesn’t touch Joe Cole. Then they show the second angle, directly behind the play, and Cole’s dive is so egregious that he should be banned for 3 games in hindsight. Dowd made the wrong call, but due to the angle and the dirty tactics of the Englishman, he can’t be blamed.
89’ – Ashley Cole trips over the ball but demands a foul. None is given.
90’ (plus) – As Ashley Cole comes off the field, he pats his pectoral muscle as if that is where he had made contact with the ball on the goal line that led to his red card and a penalty. However, every replay shows the ball going off his arm. It may have inadvertently his arm, but intentions matter little on the goal line, as his arm most assuredly stopped the equalizing goal. And by doing so, the letter of the law says he has to go. Dowd absolutely got this one right.
As is evident, Dowd is guilt of only two things: not cautioning players for striking other players with their arms and being fooled by dishonest and disingenuous players. Otherwise, he called a near perfect game with only Bouma’s foul, on a play of no consequence, being his fault. That’s right, one call the entire game that he can be blamed for. Any other errors are due to angle or cheating. The freekick on the Cole dive was poor but his angle was blocked by Laursen. Ballack’s penalty was gamesmanship.
Meanwhile, there are almost a dozen non-fouls not called. Every other foul that was called was most assuredly just that: a foul. The sending-offs were proper by the letter of the law, and he consulted his linesman on all of them. He even allowed the game to flow when he could.
Good game Phil Dowd. I may be the only person that compliments you on your performance, but then again, I’m the only one that spent time analyzing your performance.
So go blame the dirty players on both sides who argue and niggle and cheat at every moment. Or the managers who are too conceited or afraid to blame themselves or their players for the cheapening of the game. And for God’s sake, stop spouting off nationalist propaganda about Englishman not diving: they go down quicker…..well I’ll leave that comparison to you.
But how is that possible, after all we’ve seen him lambasted by journos and gaffers on television and in print? Well, it’s because nobody takes time to watch the ref. They make emotional judgments based on a few moments during the game; whereas, I watch the game and judge the ref. See for yourself as I breakdown every call and non-call (offsides excluded) made by Dowd in this highly charged match.
4’ – Paulo Ferreira hauls down Shaun Maloney, who has beaten him to the ball. While Ferreira did foul and Dowd made the right call, Ferreira argued.
9’ – Agbonlahor is called for a shirt tug on Essien deep in Chelsea territory. Essien has won the ball, but Olberg is closing down and Gabby is still on Essien’s trail. While there is territory for Essien to exploit, it is behind Dowd. Essien is running towards Dowd who calls the foul, which is immediately argued by Chelsea because they wanted advantage. While it should have been allowed, Dowd can’t see the space behind him and makes the proper call from his angle.
12’ – Laursen clatters into Pizarro in the box and a free kick is called. Villa argues, but while it is an iffy call in slow motion and in reflection, there is plenty of contact and there is nothing wrong with the call.
18’ – When Maloney puts a body on Kalou, Dowd plays advantage. He missed Kalou’s fist to Maloney’s face. This was dangerous but not calculated. Dowd (or more likely his linesman) should have seen this and cautioned if not yellowed Kalou.
19’ – Essien takes down a streaking Gabby in the midfield and is issued a yellow for a professional foul. It’s the proper call.
20’ – Reo-Coker fouls Kalou right outside of Villa’s box. It’s a good call and leads to a freekick.
22’ – Cole is fouled and Dowd calls it. This does not stop Ashley Cole from spitting vile at him.
22’ – Sheva fouls NRK, who becomes incensed by the foul. Shevchenko apologizes and Dowd calls it. He immediately yells at Reo-Coker to calm down and he walks away. He manages the situation properly and keeps tensions in check.
25’ – Shevchenko and Laursen bang heads on a fight for a ball in the air. Nobody is at fault and a drop ball is rewarded.
26’ – Reo-Coker fouls Ballack hard and is given a stern warning to calm him down. While this is the second time Dowd has had to talk to the Villa midfielder, the first time was after he had been fouled. So Dowd does the right thing to keep the game in check.
27’ – We see our first bad call by Dowd. Barry and Ballack tangle in the midfield. Ballack blatantly strikes out and hits Barry in the face. Dowd calls the foul on Barry for leg contact. This is a missed yellow that allows Ballack to continue to play recklessly. However, nothing results from the wrong decision.
29’ – Ashley Cole dives in the box and demands a penalty. It looked like a dive when it first happen, and upon further viewing it is most certainly a cardable offense for Cole, who isn’t even touched on the play. But Dowd does not call the foul.
45’ plus – For 19 minutes, there are no fouls and play is allowed to develop freely. There are three instances with niggly contact that Dowd overlooks, but he’s right to allow it as he shepherds this entertaining period by keeping himself out of spotlight. However, in the 48th, Zak Knight receives a red card and a penalty is awarded when he takes down Ballack in the box. I watched this over and over, and I think that the German captain made a meal of the contact to draw the penalty. But whatever he did, there was enough contact both with the arm and feet that Ballack’s dive would seem legitimate at full speed. Had he not called this, there would have been as much fuss as there is now. And to be honest, Collina would have probably called this. I think Dowd saw this as a foul and awarded the penalty justly from his perspective. As for the red card, if he saw the play as a foul then Zak Knight took down the last man and he has to be red carded. Villa fans may not like the call, but Dowd has done nothing wrong here. Ballack, however, has no class.
47’ – Ballack falls in the penalty box again. But this time, he clearly tripped over Laursen’s feet and Dowd makes no call.
48’ – In his own box, Gareth Barry takes a ball off his chest, near his shoulder. Fans call for a handball, which is quite obviously not. Dowd rightfully makes no call.
53’ – Dowd makes sure that Chelsea free kick, which was awarded for offside, is taken from the proper placement. It slows down Chelsea, but he is in the right to do this.
54’ – Reo-Coker takes out Essien’s feet. He is shown the yellow. This is the first questionable challenge (and that this was a foul is in no means questionable) NRK has put in since his warning and Dowd dutifully books him. He properly dealt with this.
56’ – Laursen tackles the ball from Pizarro right in front of Dowd. Laursen gets all ball, but Pizarro rolls around dramatically. Dowd makes no call.
57’ – Ashley Young tries to get through Alex and Ferreira in Chelsea’s box. They close down on him and his attempt to run on to his own through ball is stopped when the ball hits Ferreira in the midsection. Young calls for a handball, but Dowd sees it perfectly.
58’ – Carew clips Ashley Cole’s feet and a freekick is awarded.
60’ – Reo-Coker is fouled but comes away with the ball. Advantage is rightly played.
63’ – Ashley Cole take down by Carew, who is not happy, but the foul is obvious.
64’ – Kalou hits Carew with his arm in the face. This is now the 3rd errant arm contact that Dowd has allowed.
65’ – Joe Cole is expertly dispossessed by Bouma and rolls around like he was shot by a sniper. Dowd, like anyone with eyes, isn’t fooled.
68’ – Bouma is fouled by Joe Cole. Bouma miked it, but most referees would have called it and it does not affect play.
77’ – Another 10 minutes without any calls and it is break neck football. A foul is called on the edge of Chelsea’s area. Ashley Young is surrounded by Ferreira and Alex when the call is made. At first, it looks like a poor call, but after rewinding and focusing on Alex rather than Paulo, the Brazilian centerhalf is definitely guilty of stud contact on Young. This leads to the leveling goal.
80’ - Carvalho commits a horror challenge and is lucky to not have grossly injured Agbonlahor. He is given a straight red.
82’ – Throw-in given to Chelsea, even though linesman awarded it to Villa. Dowd waves it off because linesman is blocked by Ashley Cole when the ball goes off Gabby.
85’ – The freekick. This is the only bad call of the entire game. The angle we see the play is 180° opposite of Dowd’s view. It looks like Joe Cole is going down before he can even touch the ball. But after watching it 20-30 times, Cole is falling the minute it came off Curtis Davies to draw the kick. There is no body contact by Laursen and NRK doesn’t touch Joe Cole. Then they show the second angle, directly behind the play, and Cole’s dive is so egregious that he should be banned for 3 games in hindsight. Dowd made the wrong call, but due to the angle and the dirty tactics of the Englishman, he can’t be blamed.
89’ – Ashley Cole trips over the ball but demands a foul. None is given.
90’ (plus) – As Ashley Cole comes off the field, he pats his pectoral muscle as if that is where he had made contact with the ball on the goal line that led to his red card and a penalty. However, every replay shows the ball going off his arm. It may have inadvertently his arm, but intentions matter little on the goal line, as his arm most assuredly stopped the equalizing goal. And by doing so, the letter of the law says he has to go. Dowd absolutely got this one right.
As is evident, Dowd is guilt of only two things: not cautioning players for striking other players with their arms and being fooled by dishonest and disingenuous players. Otherwise, he called a near perfect game with only Bouma’s foul, on a play of no consequence, being his fault. That’s right, one call the entire game that he can be blamed for. Any other errors are due to angle or cheating. The freekick on the Cole dive was poor but his angle was blocked by Laursen. Ballack’s penalty was gamesmanship.
Meanwhile, there are almost a dozen non-fouls not called. Every other foul that was called was most assuredly just that: a foul. The sending-offs were proper by the letter of the law, and he consulted his linesman on all of them. He even allowed the game to flow when he could.
Good game Phil Dowd. I may be the only person that compliments you on your performance, but then again, I’m the only one that spent time analyzing your performance.
So go blame the dirty players on both sides who argue and niggle and cheat at every moment. Or the managers who are too conceited or afraid to blame themselves or their players for the cheapening of the game. And for God’s sake, stop spouting off nationalist propaganda about Englishman not diving: they go down quicker…..well I’ll leave that comparison to you.
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
Is this what happiness feels like? I'm not impressed.
For Spurs supporters, Saturday can not come soon enough. A stellar 10 days has seen them win two crucial league games against top six opponents. In addition they have booked their place in the semi-finals of the Carling Cup by ending Manchester City ’s phenomenal home record this season, in a 2-0 drubbing while playing a man short for 70 minutes. The pending return of their captain Ledley King is further good news for the North London club that has been mired in an epic failing on all levels this season.
The Christmas spirit that has been inflicted upon the Yid faithful has left them feeling uncomfortable. “Downright creepy” is how one fan described it. Sickened by the prospect of hope and embittered by having to enjoy their pints at the local, the Yid faithful has pinned its hopes of a return to the comforting feelings of self-loathing and dread on the visit to bitter rival Arsenal this weekend.
With Arsenal bucking pre-season prognostication to sit atop of the table with a flowing style of football, Spurs fans can count on the usual drubbing from the Woolwich Wanderers. A sound defeat will scrub the feelings of joy and happiness from the Lillywhites and let them get back to what they do best: hating Sol Campbell, that cunt.
The Christmas spirit that has been inflicted upon the Yid faithful has left them feeling uncomfortable. “Downright creepy” is how one fan described it. Sickened by the prospect of hope and embittered by having to enjoy their pints at the local, the Yid faithful has pinned its hopes of a return to the comforting feelings of self-loathing and dread on the visit to bitter rival Arsenal this weekend.
With Arsenal bucking pre-season prognostication to sit atop of the table with a flowing style of football, Spurs fans can count on the usual drubbing from the Woolwich Wanderers. A sound defeat will scrub the feelings of joy and happiness from the Lillywhites and let them get back to what they do best: hating Sol Campbell, that cunt.
Friday, December 14, 2007
Kicking Em While They Are Down
Some Arsenal fan created the following and posted it on YouTube. As a Spurs supporter, I must say that that I nearly hyperventilated watching this, it's so funny. Whoever did this is a genius.
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
Tom Cruise in Brown Street Hooligans
Tom Cruise sure loves sawker. Why he even wants to buy the L.A. Galaxy, and not just because Xenu was a Galaxian. He has also been seen at the Bernabeu.
But perhaps its more than football? Look, we all know Tom Cruise is gay. And his 5 year, $25 million, no-sex contract (which is up in 2010) with Katie Holmes has assured us that Suri was the product of a sexy three-way between Mrs. Cruise, Mrs. Holmes and Mr. Turkey Baster. But if he had been forced to stick his wee-wee in Katie's hoo-ha in order to concieve a child to avoid the persistent rumor that he was caught in bed with Matchbox 20's Rob Thomas, I think that I have an idea of what he painted on his eyelids to get through the humiliation of vaginal sex.
This:
But perhaps its more than football? Look, we all know Tom Cruise is gay. And his 5 year, $25 million, no-sex contract (which is up in 2010) with Katie Holmes has assured us that Suri was the product of a sexy three-way between Mrs. Cruise, Mrs. Holmes and Mr. Turkey Baster. But if he had been forced to stick his wee-wee in Katie's hoo-ha in order to concieve a child to avoid the persistent rumor that he was caught in bed with Matchbox 20's Rob Thomas, I think that I have an idea of what he painted on his eyelids to get through the humiliation of vaginal sex.
This:
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
The Table Never Lies (12/11)
1. Arsenal
Spurs win and the Gunners lose. Satan must be freezing at the moment, but not more than Arsenal supporters, who are facing their first crisis of the campaign.
2. Manchester United
Loius Saha blames wear and tear for his pattern of missed games. I have two problems with his analysis: use of the words wear and tear.
3. Chelsea
Claiming that Drogba will be back in three weeks and then trying to force him out of the African Cup of Nations due to the same injury is an excellent idea….if you want to push him out of the door any quicker.
4. Liverpool
This is the Rafa Express. Last stop….Velodrome. Please check your seats to make sure that no personal items or unsightly facial hair are left behind.
5. Portsmouth
Ole ‘Arry doesn’t believe fathers should encourage their sons to curse. You can’t spell hypocrite without F-U-C-K O-F-F Y-O-U S-E-N-S-I-T-I-V-E G-I-T.
6. Manchester City
The big question is, “what did Young Pyo-Lee say about Dick Daddy’s follicular issues?”
7. Everton
Mike Hanke and Yakubu both scored hat-tricks this past weekend. What else do the Hannover forward and the ‘Boro reject have in common: they will both score again in February.
8. Aston Villa
How do you motivate your two best defenders when they both sign pre-contracts on January 2nd? We’ll find out in 3 weeks.
9. Blackburn
Hmmm…..Benni storms off like a baby and you win. Benni remains on the pitch, the epitome of classic Greek sculpture, and you lose…..Pattern?
10. West Ham
Why does Trevor Brookings want Alan Curbishley to be the next failure for England? If he can make Carlton Cole look serviceable, think what he could do with a team of Carlton Coles.
11. Newcastle United
If they spike the River Tyne with lithium, do you think Geordies might find an ounce of sanity? Nah, Big Sam is two wins away from having calls for his head for playing Le Football Un-Sexy.
12. Reading
Coppell wants out….and he’s taking Rafa with him.
13. Tottenham Hotspur
Punters rue missed opportunity when Chimbonda scored the massively rare off-side handball goal.
14. Bolton Wanderers
Nicolas Anelka will leave Bolton this January. Surprisingly is will not be for United or Chelsea….rather he’s going to take up Gaelic.
15. Birmingham City
Well one win and one loss for new boss McLeish, against teams that that think they are way better than they really are.
16. Middlesbrough
What the fuck was that?
17. Fulham
Lawrie Sanchez is in hot pursuit of West Ham’s Bobby Zamora. It’s all a clever Bond-like scheme to corner the world market on useless strikers.
18. Sunderland
Keane is finding himself in hot water with the F.A. over comments made about England’s captain following the 2-0 loss this weekend. His crime: telling the truth.
19. Wigan Athletic
And Bruce thought he had shit defending at Brum.
20. Derby County
Got there managerial bounce by scoring a road goal against a giant. At least Giles Barnes isn’t being linked to every club in the top-flight, D’OH!
Spurs win and the Gunners lose. Satan must be freezing at the moment, but not more than Arsenal supporters, who are facing their first crisis of the campaign.
2. Manchester United
Loius Saha blames wear and tear for his pattern of missed games. I have two problems with his analysis: use of the words wear and tear.
3. Chelsea
Claiming that Drogba will be back in three weeks and then trying to force him out of the African Cup of Nations due to the same injury is an excellent idea….if you want to push him out of the door any quicker.
4. Liverpool
This is the Rafa Express. Last stop….Velodrome. Please check your seats to make sure that no personal items or unsightly facial hair are left behind.
5. Portsmouth
Ole ‘Arry doesn’t believe fathers should encourage their sons to curse. You can’t spell hypocrite without F-U-C-K O-F-F Y-O-U S-E-N-S-I-T-I-V-E G-I-T.
6. Manchester City
The big question is, “what did Young Pyo-Lee say about Dick Daddy’s follicular issues?”
7. Everton
Mike Hanke and Yakubu both scored hat-tricks this past weekend. What else do the Hannover forward and the ‘Boro reject have in common: they will both score again in February.
8. Aston Villa
How do you motivate your two best defenders when they both sign pre-contracts on January 2nd? We’ll find out in 3 weeks.
9. Blackburn
Hmmm…..Benni storms off like a baby and you win. Benni remains on the pitch, the epitome of classic Greek sculpture, and you lose…..Pattern?
10. West Ham
Why does Trevor Brookings want Alan Curbishley to be the next failure for England? If he can make Carlton Cole look serviceable, think what he could do with a team of Carlton Coles.
11. Newcastle United
If they spike the River Tyne with lithium, do you think Geordies might find an ounce of sanity? Nah, Big Sam is two wins away from having calls for his head for playing Le Football Un-Sexy.
12. Reading
Coppell wants out….and he’s taking Rafa with him.
13. Tottenham Hotspur
Punters rue missed opportunity when Chimbonda scored the massively rare off-side handball goal.
14. Bolton Wanderers
Nicolas Anelka will leave Bolton this January. Surprisingly is will not be for United or Chelsea….rather he’s going to take up Gaelic.
15. Birmingham City
Well one win and one loss for new boss McLeish, against teams that that think they are way better than they really are.
16. Middlesbrough
What the fuck was that?
17. Fulham
Lawrie Sanchez is in hot pursuit of West Ham’s Bobby Zamora. It’s all a clever Bond-like scheme to corner the world market on useless strikers.
18. Sunderland
Keane is finding himself in hot water with the F.A. over comments made about England’s captain following the 2-0 loss this weekend. His crime: telling the truth.
19. Wigan Athletic
And Bruce thought he had shit defending at Brum.
20. Derby County
Got there managerial bounce by scoring a road goal against a giant. At least Giles Barnes isn’t being linked to every club in the top-flight, D’OH!
Monday, December 3, 2007
"A" You're Adorable, "B" You're So Beatable
Having lost this past weekend to Arsenal at home, Martin O’Neill’s men find their three game winning streak abruptly ended. Having beaten Birmingham City , Boro and Blackburn consecutively, Randy Learner has seen the pattern. Realizing that Villa’s only hope of ever winning the league lies in a table of alphabetical weighting, he has vowed to support lower level teams until the EPL looks like this:
2. Blackburn
3. Birmingham City
4.Bolton
5.Bristol City
6.Barnsley
7.Burnley
8. Blackpool
9. Brighton & HoveAlbion
10. Bristol Rovers
11. Bournemouth
12. Barnet
13. Bury
14. BradfordCity
15. Brentford
16. BurtonAlbion
17. Burscough
18. Bath City
19. Bishop's Stortford
20. Boston United
2. Blackburn
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9. Brighton & Hove
10. Bristol Rovers
11. Bournemouth
12. Barnet
13. Bury
14. Bradford
15. Brentford
16. Burton
17. Burscough
18. Bath City
19. Bishop's Stortford
20. Boston United
Thursday, November 29, 2007
Arsenal Must Be Playing At Home
Whereas Wenger’s tenure in North London had seen his squads earning reds at a rate of seven a year going into spring, their record has been pathetic lately. On February 25th last year, Wenger chalked up red cards number 67 and 68 in the Carling Cup loss to Chelsea. This was period of turmoil at Ashburton Grove as the Gunners were eliminated from the EPL title race, Carling Cup, F.A. Cup and Champions League in 10 days. And with nothing to play for, the team fell into complacency and was unable to put in the challenges, fights or arguments that could lead to more red cards. A second half slump that saw no red during the final 3 months of the season led to speculation that Arsene Wenger was ready to leave the Emirates and seek to bring pain and shame to the Spanish capital.
This season has seen an upturn in form on the pitch, but the rate of suspensions has still disappointed the fans, board and mostly the gaffer. The only high point during this anguishing campaign was Philippe Senderos’ second half dismissal against Portsmouth.
But now that their unbeaten streak has ended, it is expected that the club will turn moody and sour, which should see them once again earning coveted reds. The first sign of this nastiness came with Wenger’s touchline ban for his antics against Seville. Claiming that Daniel Alves was diving, it was obvious that the Seville wingback’s writhing had upset Wenger. “That is our trick. How dare he feign injury for benefit,” scathed the man who once got into an argument with Martin Jol because Spurs scored when one of his players fell like a sniper victim off the ball.
Wenger is excited about the upcoming congestion in English football, where he can finally get his hotly anticipated 70th red card. And who knows, maybe even more.
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
Tactical Analysis: Japan v. Mexico
At one point in Stuttgart’s 4-1 victory over Eintracht Frankfurt, there were 2 Japanese and 3 Mexican players on the pitch. This interesting fact leads to the face off the two nations in the tactical analysis of the game, because Eintracht deployed the Japanese Junichi Inamoto as a holding midfield; whereas, Stuttgart used the Mexican Pavel Pardo. Watching the difference between the two was like watching night and day, and there effort in the role and the game can alone account for the disparity of the result. But I must add that it was a microcosm of both teams, where Stuttgart was vastly superior in all areas.
Inamoto set up shop between his own 18 and the center circle. I counted two times that he made any penetration past the midway point, throughout the entirety of his time on the pitch. On offense, Inamoto camped out in the center circle and seemed intent on squatting in the area to purchase land at a later date. He was flat footed on any offensive maneuver and provided no outlet to Frankfurt’s occasional trips into Stuttgart territory. Repeatedly Frankfurt were playing back when on the attack because a player was forced to keep the ball at his feet due to Inamoto’s reluctance to move forward into space.
On defense, he was playing directly in front of the center half pairing of Cris and Kyrgiakos, giving them 3-4 meters at best. He was able to get stuck in deep in his own half on occasion, but he left meters of space completely unguarded in the middle of the pitch. It didn’t take long for Cacau, Pardo, Hitzlsperger and even Miera to exploit this fact. Stuttgart didn’t dominate the middle of the pitch as much as they were gifted it in this game. And make no mistake about it: it was a well appreciated gift as they played beautiful attacking football right through the heart of Eintracht. And mostly, it has to be put down to Inamoto’s positioning and lack of lung power.
Both Ochs and Spycher spent time with him in the central midfield. Both could be seen, occasionally, getting a foot in before it was in dangerous territory or providing an options going forward. This can be best seen in the Eagles opening goal of the game, when Ochs tackled the ball away from Hitzlsperger in Stuttgart territory and played the ball to Köhler who scored. Ochs had the only decent game by any Frankfurt player, but Inamoto had one of the laziest performances I have ever seen. Had he worked at even a fraction of Ochs’ rate this game could have been different.
As for Stuttgart, Pavel Pardo was terrific in this game. His passing was sublime, such as when he fed Roberto Hilbert’s perfectly timed run for the equalizer. He played his defensive midfield role perfectly, forcing Frankfurt to use the touch line for any attacking. He worked seamlessly to cover Fernando Miera, who launched into attack often. (It was nice to see Miera paired back with the reliable Matthieu Delpierre after a long injury in what is one of the best center-half combos in the Bundesliga.) And he was a threat going forward, such as when he took a shot from nearly 10 meters that hit the post and almost ricocheted off the keepers back for the second goal soon after the restart.
Mostly his work-rate was phenomenal, covering on defense, moving throughout the width of midfield and thrusting forward. And it stood in stark contrast to the motionless effort put in by his counterpart for the home side. He was easily man of the match.
Joachim Low Mumbles Something Positive About Chelsea
German Captain Michael Ballack played in a reserves match on Monday as he continues to improve his fitness after seven months of rehab following multiple surgeries on his ankles. Progression on his fitness is going well, as he plans at least one more reserve match before returning to the first team. This is expected to happen sometime this weekend, after the 5th of 6 games of group play in the Champion's League for the London club.
Joachim Low has called a press conference to publicly apologize for being an ass back in September when he questioned Chelsea's decision to leave the midfielder off their 23 man roster for the group phase. Perhaps he could have called the press conference back in October, which he set out as the return date for Ballack. When Ballack didn't show up for any of the international run-ins for Euro 2008, Low must have figured out that Ballack's club knew a hell of a lot more than he did.
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
Arsene Reads "Which Witch is Which"
Arsene Wenger has compared the way clubs fire their managers to the practice of burning witches at the stake. And the Arsenal gaffer has vehemently come out against the horrible genocide taking place against these Premier League managers. While many try to avoid the uncomfortable subject, in hopes that it will go away, the Frenchman has gone on record against the holocaust that is taking place in England as managers are being dismissed with hefty severance packages and given positions of punditry. Rightly comparing this evil practice with the witch hunts that killed upwards of 60,000 women during the Reformation, Wenger has lashed out at the powers that be for allowing six managers to be fired from their cushy million pound jobs. He hopes that by speaking out now more managers won’t be murdered and raped over religious ignorance.
Make no mistake about it: managers are suffering a sex based pogrom, based on a holy war between two sides arguing over indulgences. Following Billy Davies dismissal from Derby County, he was subsequently set atop a pile of wood and set afire, screaming the entire time for mercy until he was dead. While the press has kept quiet on the subject, Little Sammy Lee was drowned in cereal bowl while inquisitors tested to see if he was tactically astute by seeing if he could float. Martin Jol, who has been linked to all kind of jobs, hasn’t taken any precisely because he was sent to the gallows. Nobody wants a fat headless man leading their squad.
All of this has Rafa Benitez mightily worried as his many layers of fat will make drowning an impossibility that may lead to him being pressed to death. Or getting a cushy job in Munich. Only time will tell. But rest assured that no matter Rafa’s fate, Arsene Wenger will be working diligently to ensure the next generation of Premier League managers are not subject to a “final solution”.
Monday, November 26, 2007
Selfish Brazilians Rate Food Higher Than Halo
Robert Greene has bucked current trends. He has refused to blame foreigners for the failings of the English national team. He is going after an even more pathetic cohort: gamers. He is pinning the downfall of the Three Lions on video game consoles such as PS3 or X-Box. Branding the country as lazy, he feels that today’s youth spend much too much time playing football virtually rather than actually.
Greene added, "Other countries seem to bring on world-class players, countries like Argentina and Brazil where often it's football or nothing.”
While Britain ranks in the top ten richest countries with a per capital income of nearly $38,000, Argentina and Brazil, who are 64th and 74th respectively, have paltry PCI’s ranging from 3000-4000 USD. “It’s so unfair that Brazilian and Argentine parents put more emphasis on food rather than entertainment,” lamented the uncapped stick minder. “How can England hope to compete with these selfish nations who refuse to purchase luxury items that equate to a paltry one-eighth of their yearly pre-tax income.” he added.
Realizing that poor kids in Buenos Aires and São Paulo can’t afford these systems, which would keep them off the streets and glued to a television set were they unfortunate enough to be blighted with the curse of wealth, Green has started a campaign to ship the games to the poor sections of these two great superpowers. "If they start working on their hand-eye coordination and Type II Diabetes rather than their foot coordination and stamina, they are bound to suck as bad as we do,” surmised the West Ham’s keeper.
If you wish to contribute to this noble cause, click here.
Saturday, November 24, 2007
Proof That Carlos Alberto Can Stay Off the Ground
After a training ground scuffle between Carlos Alberto and Boubacar Sanogo, it has been revealed that: YES, this is the first time all season that the Brazilian has been missed at Werder.
Friday, November 23, 2007
Poor Timing?
Will Huub Steven decision unify or fracture the club? Hamburg is surprisingly within striking distance of the “greatest team ever assembled”. This doesn’t come as a shock on HSV’s end, like Karlsruhe’s ascendancy. In fact most of us haven’t forgotten their top three position, two years ago, followed by a devastating start of last season that saw Stevens take over and turn them into one of the best teams in the Bundesliga in the second half of last year. There were some (me) who tipped them for second this year.
But all of the momentum that has swept Hamburg forward this year looks ready to be undone by the sudden announcement by manager Huub Stevens that he will take over the vacant position at PSV Eindhoven next summer. Rather than sign an extension with the team he guided from bottom to 7th starting last February, in addition to their current 3rd place position, Stevens will return to the club he spent time at as a player. Wanting to spend time with his ill wife, Stevens announced the move during the international break. While I have no issue with the decision, as Hamburg offered the short contract and will get burned by decision, I do wonder how the timing of the announcement will go down with a squad that has the confidence and ability to push the Bavarian giants all the way for the title.
Stevens seemed to have found a comfort zone with captain and talisman Rafael van der Vaart, who is poised to leave sooner rather than later. With van der Vaart towing the party line and providing leadership and attack impetus on the field, Stevens has harnessed the full potential of his temperamental Dutch superstar. How he reacts is paramount to rest of the season for HSV. It’s not that they will ever lose VDV’s contribution on the field, as he will need to continue to provide to attract the interest of Spanish and English teams. But will he become more selfish? Will his attitude, especially as captain, become one of seeing out the year and thus negating his aura of talisman? These are central questions to the Stevens decision to announce his departure.
In addition, most of these players will be facing their 2nd new manager in a year in a half come May. How is this going to affect morale? Do they see the top three, or more, as a guarantee of worth to the incoming trainer? Or do they sink into self-doubt and worry as they await the announcement and arrival of a new manager. He has gotten the best out of youngsters Vincent Kompany and Jerome Boateng. Will the youth suffer with the impending loss of their manager? And will they have veterans to help them adjust to the volatile time? And where will the squad stand in January, when they need to strengthen their striking corps, which has failed to impress this season. Will they be able to find takers willing to come to a rudderless ship?
So the next few weeks are a pivotal time for the Rothosen. Stevens will need to bring a sense of purpose to the squad in order to get the most out of them as a lame duck He will not be able to afford a dip in form if he hopes to gain on Bayern Munich as the team fights off the consistent Werder Bremen, the emerging Stuttgart and the always dangerous Schalke.
Thursday, November 15, 2007
Crestfallen: Bundesliga Badge Table
20. Kaiserslautern
There is definitely a missed marketing opportunity in college frat houses in the U.S.
Asshole #1: 
ing “A” dudes. Look at my new ing shirt.
Asshole #2: ing Sweet Dude.
Asshole #1: me, 'bro. I so need to me some pussy.
Asshole #2: I have some ing roofies. Up for some date-rape?
Asshole #1: Yeah.
19. FC Nurnberg
Dietmar, why did you steal our
ing logo? 18. Borussia Dortmund
Interestingly, the BVB stands for Ballspiel-Verein Borussia. And that would be about the only ing interesting thing about this total lack of imagination.
17. Schalke 04
The G stands for” Goddammit, at least put in the effort!
16. Hansa Rostock
We all know that the Hanseatic League started losing its position of power in the Baltic around the time that Rostock joined the guild. Why? I would contest that Rostock ship designs had some influence. Who wants to sail in a melted horseshoe?
15. Cologne
Here’s how I imagine two roommates would interact in Cologne
#1: Look out the window and tell me if it’s raining.
#2: No. It’s cloudy but not raining.
#1: Is that giant goat cock still out there?
#2: Yes. Yes it is.
14. FC Augsburg 1907
Eww! Is that a butt-plug? I hope they bleached that ing thing.
13. SC Freiburg
The griffin is a legendary creature with the body of a lion, considered the king of the beasts, and the head and wings of an eagle, the king of the birds. Since the royals of Europe are a cesspool of genetic singularity that would rival a trailer park in the Ozarks, it does explain the sickly, inbred nature of this pathetic creature.
12. Eintracht Frankfurt
I’m with you freaky royal eagle. I would scream too if I had hemorrhoids like that. It’s like you pushed through your entire small intestines.
11. Vfb Stuttgart
Oh I would love that font for my site. Is that Drunken German Lithographer Condensed Italic?
10. Wolfsburg
ho are you kidding?
9. Bayer Leverkusen
Thanks for ruining Aspirin for me. Now I won’t be able to take one without thinking “hey, did a couple of tiny savannah cats dry-hump this pill?”
8. MSV Duisburg
Now if this was an American team, one would just think the Zebra is an obtuse random mascot, but football clubs try to attach their crest to local civic history. So I present to you the mysterious Black Forest Blue Zebra?
7. Hannover 96
Simple, but for some reason it feels dyslexic.
Man: This is doing nothing for me.
Woman: Me either.
Man: I expected more oral action. I can’t even see your vagaina.
Woman: I am really uncomfortable with the location of your buttocks right now.
Man: Let me check the Kuma Satra again.
6. Werder Bremen
You’ll see this occasionally in a gym’s sauna. It’s called frot. And if you think its awkward walking in on two guys rubbing their wangs together, each staring back at you with dear-in-the-headlight gazes, just ask the guy that caught me and Jasper
5. Hamburg
Do you know the difference between a “brown eye” and a “chocolate starfish”? Yes, it’s called wiping.
4. Bochum
This is simple and elegant. High marks…..wait a minute. 1848? Who are you kidding? Don’t try to pass off the year you started tossing a medicine ball as the year the football club was established. Its disingenuous.
3. 1860 Munich
So tonight, tonight.
Let it be
2. Bayern Munich
Sorry, love them or hate them, this is one of the best damn crests around. The middle part is the flag of Bavaria.
1. F.C. St. Pauli
First, because they are older, they forced Hamburg to adopt the aforementioned “balloon knot”. And then there is the motto: “Non-established since 1910”. I ing love this club.
The Table Never Lies (11/15)
1. Arsenal
A.C. Milan’s Carlo Ancelotti has doubts about this team’s ability in the Champion’s League. Too bad there is nothing happening in Italy that he could comment about.
2. Manchester United
Michael Carrick is tapping up Dimitar Berbatov. He wants someone to talk to while stranded on the subs bench.
3. Manchester City
Citeh owner Thaksin Shinawatra has revealed his plans to open a string of death camps academies across Asia.
4. Chelsea
A boring affair with a late equalizer sounds about par for the Blues. Oh wait, under Mourinho, Chelsea scored the late equalizers. Let’s all sing, “The Wheels on the Bus are falling off!”
5. Liverpool
The Scouse faithful moaned. Alan Green conveyed. Rafa listened. 70 minutes of pathetic football against Fulham showed why rotation is necessary. Can I please hear something else on the 606 now?
6. Portsmouth
Beautiful football, you say? Three goalless draws in their last four home matches says otherwise.
7. Blackburn
After the United loss, Mark Hughes referred to David Dunne’s dismissal by saying they had been “hard done by”. Fuck you for stealing my lame joke, Mark.
8. Aston Villa
Stiliyan Petrov was man-of-the-derby in the 2-1 over Brum. Is he ready to find his Celtic form and do something completely new at Villa Park: contribute?
9. Everton
Oddest sight of the weekend: Moyes suit on Everton’s Remembrance Day draw at Stamford Bridge. He looked like a pre-pubescent boy forced to go to church on Easter.
10. West Ham
Lee Boyer put the smack-down on Derby – like he was gay-bashing an Asian student.
11. Newcastle United
Rumors have it that Michael Owen is being implicated in the Kieron Fallon race-fixing scandal. I wonder what might get injured in the clink?
12. Reading
After being trounced by a bunch of foreigners, Steve Coppell strangely lamented about the number of foreigners in the league and called for a quota system. Affirmative Action for the majority? I hope George Bush doesn’t hear about this stellar idea.
13. Fulham
Lawrie Sanchez wants to scrap the transfer window, saying it is costing too many managers their job as small clubs can’t accumulate talent like the big clubs to deal with injuries or change approach. Some of that is quite true. But what is going to cost him his job is all of those late concessions.
14. Tottenham Hotspur
Adel Taraabt wants out. Who is he you ask? Exactly.
15. Birmingham City
You know you’re a small club, when Wigan taps up your manager. No wonder Yeung is backing off buying the club.
16. Sunderland
We are all sadistically hoping that Dickson Etuhu will learn the Haaland method of dealing with challenges like Joey Barton’s from Skippy-keano.
17. Middlesbrough
Southgate praised his defense after they stymied an insipid Bolton attack that was without its only two quality players in Spitty McSpitt and Whiney McWhine. I guess he had to get the praise in while he could.
18. Bolton
Who cares about the lifeless draw with Boro. This team went to the Allianz and came back from a goal down to draw with the mighty Bayern Munich. Congratulations to all supporters. I recommend that you hold onto that memory dearly, as it is will keep you warn during the onset of a relegation winter.
19. Wigan
Don’t do it Bruce. Two words: Titus Bramble.
20. Derby County
Honestly, I think this team would be fighting relegation in the Coca Cola.
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
He's Right About One Thing.....O'Reilly is a Douche
I just finished Keith Olbermann’s book The Worst Person in the World, which I recommend. It’s an entertaining read and I am big fan of Olbermann, who is one of the few smart people in the American news business. So the following pains me, but it’s a three-fer:
Our Bronze goes to the host of MSNBC’s Countdown, for giving the award to all fans of Inter Milan on April 10th, 2006. A few fans on the Nerazzurri pelted the team with rocks and debris when they lost out on the scudetto that year. These fans are totally deserving of the award, but not “all” fans. Are you going to implicate yourself Kieth, for the lunacy of some drunken Yankees fans over the years? I doubt it. Don’t let your soccer bias allows you to do so to the majority of Inter fans. By the way this was the scudetto that Keith’s fact checking monkeys forgot to follow-up on in the print edition, as they eventually won the title, when the champions Juventus were stripped of the title for bribery. Oh and Keith, this is a good week to remind you, that the Italians are capable of far worse than a few rocks.
The Silver goes to K.O. as well. On December 12th of 2005, he named one Kirstie Adams of Uttoxeter as one of the worst people in the world. Her crime: she bought her newly born son membership in Derby Co. 25 minutes after giving birth. When my wife gave birth, they gave her this miracle anesthetic called an epidural. Maybe you’ve heard of it? Making a call is nothing. My wife could have hosted a party after the birth of my son, who like most kids, was taken to the nursery for precautionary reasons after he was born. And unlike baseball Keith, we in the world game support our clubs by becoming official members. I live across the ocean from my club, but still carry a membership card. And that kid will have quite the badge of honor in a few years to tell his mates. But mostly, I am calling you out because you spelled the club D-A-R-B-Y. It’s spelled with and “E”, so try a little tool called Google. And if you want to know why it’s pronounced that way, see Bill Bryson’s vastly superior read The Mother Tongue.
But our winner… Olbermann again.
On May 11th, 2006 he listed the owners (I think he meant board) of Arsenal for having sold seats from Highbury to supporters (he called them fans) that contained traces of Cadmium. Cadmium is a toxic metal that is known to cause infertility in men, and the board stopped the sell of said seats upon discovery. Sorry Keith, while they deserved to be listed, it was because they stopped selling the seats, not because they sold them in the first place. If you knew anything about the sport (he doesn’t), you would know that Arsenal fans, like Yankees fans, are scum-bags (which he points out was originally a term for a used prophylactic and thus seems so much more appropriate than we all thought). Thus inadvertently toxifying their junk and saving the planet a next generation of obnoxious scientologists goes under the mantle “for the greater good.”
Keith Olbermann, today’s Worst Person in the World.
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Spurs v. Wigan
For the first time since Juande Ramos took over Tottenham, I was able to sit down and watch a game. The first three were not televised on FSC. So even though this could be billed as a six-point game, I was really excited to watch the match.
From all reports, Spurs last two victories were ugly. They didn’t play well but still escaped with a clean sheet. So I expected that this might be the case for the
And obtaining our first victory in the league in three months did help in that regard. Under Ramos, Spurs have three wins and a draw. The important facts during the run of form are there have been no late goals conceded, no set pieces conceded, Lennon is playing his natural position and we have three clean sheets. We in fact have not thrown away points. There might have been a hope for a victory at Boro, but
On Sunday, Tottenham beat
However, rather than take advantage of a defense that is struggling,
Now, let me take a moment to make the case for the long-ball. Route 1 football is ugly and boring. However, there is a difference between employing it during a match and relying on it. Tottenham have been very guilty of the latter this season. In this match, the third goal was one that Charles Reep would have loved. Robbo boomed it long, Berbatov settled the ball and flicked to Aaron Lennon, who finished superbly. Why it matters is that this was the only one of the four goals to come from long ball. The others were developed on the ground: one created by an exquisite pass into space by Berbatov for Jenas; one created on the by-line by Robbie Keane (Jenas again) and one by Berbatov to Lennon to Bent on quick passes. Four goals scored by different means.
We all remember how Arsenal was criticized for trying too hard to walk the ball into the back of the net last year. There is truth in that. While we don’t have a great distance shooter, we do play Route 1 well. So the long-ball provides a different option, something else for the defense to worry about. If it is used on occasion, especially when you have a target man like Berbatov, it provides another outlet and another distraction for the defense, and may allow the midfield space. So while I agree with developing an attack around this system is poor, I do love that Tottenham has it as an option.
For Spurs’ part, the thing that impressed me as being Juande’s major contribution to the team in the short time he has been in charge was structure. I felt that Zokora and Jenas were holding a strong buffer in front of Kaboul and Dawson. I felt that the two center-halves adjusted their line accordingly, when the two holders moved. I felt that Berbatov and Keane were moving to the flanks to provide a link for attack. It was the most organized I remembered seeing the team. And it was one of those things, we all expected Ramos would bring. This structure and organization allowed them to attack at will, to protect their defense and to expand the field. I felt that Tottenham spent more time on the by-line that I had seen in the entire of Jol’s tenure. And while that is exaggeration, it is also a fantastic sign. The only caveat was that we had to plug a round peg into a square hole at left wing. And while Steed was tireless and positive he did drift into midfield.
Things are turning a corner under Ramos. The fitness is really strong, the organization is vastly improved, and the defense and midfield are starting to believe in themselves again. While I hold no ridiculous aspirations, I see no reason to believe that Spurs won’t finish top half again. And after the comical start of the season, that’s quite an accomplishment (and who knows – maybe we might live up to our cup history).
Come on You Spurs!
Monday, November 12, 2007
Dick Daddy Develops Dandy Trend
So Steven Ireland feels that he is Superman. Well funny enough, anyone who has read a comic in the last 30 years can tell you how D.C. have emasculated the character to the point that he is no long “super” and thus Steven Ireland can actually make that claim legitimately. In fact, Aaron Lennon could probably knock Clark Kent around if push came to shove. But it makes me think, if Dick Daddy can be Superman, who could we cast in some of the other tights and capes of the Superhero world. I am going to start with the Fantastic Four, because of Barcelona’s usage of Marvel’s flagship team, to brand their forward line, in another odd connection of capes and footballers. So today, I offer the FF:
Tottenham’s Jermaine Jenas as Sue Storm, because he turns invisible anytime he plays a half-decent club.
Fulham’s Claus Jensen as The Thing, because he’s the hard-man with a face only a blind woman could love.
New England Revolution’s Jay Heaps as Mr. Incredible, because nobody could “stretch” so little, so far.
And
Benfica’s Gilles Binya as the Human Torch, because he is an impetuous hothead and a complete dick. Although I doubt he has the hottest sister on the planet.
Next: The Avengers
Sunday, November 11, 2007
Tastes Like Vinegar But With a Bitter Afterbite
I was just in France. Being an American in France is very hard, you know. First, there’s the whole war thing. Like I started it. I just voted for Bush, believed his every lie, supported his every effort and bought a Hummer. And while I don’t support the troops with tax money, I sure do have patriotic stickers on that Hummer. In addition, I think all Muslims are terrorists, even the Sikh ones. So how is that my fault Frenchy? And hey, would it kill you fuckers to learn some American.
On top of getting stick for that, there’s the food. It’s all this fancy shit with aromatic smells, palate exploding flavor and multiple courses. It’s no wonder all those beret-wearing fancy dandies are so thin. It’s called anorexia people. So when I stumbled on Quick, a French fast-food resteraunt, I was running on day two of raiding the M&M machine at the Cluny Metro station for my only sustenance and went in desperately seeking chemically enhanced food by-products to ensure that I didn’t vomit, as was intended by the unnatural combination of rancid mean, wilted lettuce, squeeze-bottle cheese and white bread.
They didn’t sell any Big Mac, but they did sell a Nicholas Anelka burger, which did the job. My first day, I ordered one and it was dirt cheap, came with pommes frites and was delicious! The thoughts of more Anelka Burgers for years to come excited me. The second day, the price was up. Now it came with chips and while it still came with a hint of potential, the burger must have been cooked poorly because there was a bitter aftertaste. The next day, the price had skyrocketed (nearly a 440% increase) and now it came with papas fritas. It left me empty and flatulent and there was only one decent bite in the whole meal (but wow what a bite). The next few times the price lowered gradually and was served with either pommes frites or chips. But while it tasted good, it never really made much difference with my hunger. It was empty calories. When I went in next, the burger was on the “cheap eats” menu and was served with patates kızartması and it seemed sad and pathetic. I ordered a chicken sandwich. On my last day, the burger was being given away with gravy and chips. It seemed like the only decent thing on an otherwise terrible menu and I ordered one because it seemed like the price was starting to creep back up.
Conclusion: It’s still better than Hardees.
Thursday, November 8, 2007
No Shit Sherlock
Daniel Levy’s favorite paper, the Evening Standard has reported that want-away midfielder Hossam Ghaly revealed, in an exclusive interview, that he will never play for Spurs again.
The Egyptian international, who had a controversial stint at the North London club is currently training with his former club Al-Ahly. He has no plans of returning to England, where he was once rejected by powerhouse Birmingham City for being lazier than a trailer-park whore with a case of Busch Light during a Judge Judy marathon. Known around White Hart Lane as “C’mon You Fucking Cunt” or “Cunt” for short, the player once ceremoniously threw his shirt to the ground, when subbed due to a poor performance.
So no matter who the manager is:, whether it be the jovial Jol or the strict Juande Ramos, Hossam Ghaly has made it clear that he understands what all Tottenham supporters understood last year: He will not play for Tottenham Hotspur again.
“While I had my issues with Jol,” reported the worthless sack of shit, “Juande has a keen eye for talent, and will figure out quickly that I have none.”
Tuesday, November 6, 2007
Their Hips Might Break
Report$ circulating throughout Brazil, Italy and Catalonia have $uper$tar Ronaldinho linked with a move to the $an $iro to join hi$ Brazilian teammate Kaka at A.C. Milan. The move from Barcelona i$ de$ired both by the club, a$ Ronaldinho ha$ been di$intere$ted and average $ince the double two year$ ago; a$ well a$ by the player him$elf, who ju$t want$ more money. Repre$ented by hi$ brother Roberto A$$i$, Ronaldinho ha$ been $couring the continent, recently with Chel$ea, and complaining about taxe$ to garner a wage increa$e. It i$ well known that the Brazilian playmaker wa$ angered when Briti$h politican Gerry $utcliffe $poke directly of John Terry, rather than him$elf, when $howing outrage at player$’ wage$.
With that change of $cenery, there would al$o be a $ignificant reduction in competition$. Wherea$ he i$ expected to compete on three front$ with the Catalan giant$, at A.C. Milan, Ronaldinho Guacho would only have to play one game a week, $pecifically the midweek game$ in the Champion$ League. A.C. Milan ha$ $een the FIFA rule change that allow$ holder$ and automatic $pot, following the fia$co with Liverpool two year$ ago, a$ a rea$on to finally give up on $erie$ A.
A$ manager Carlo$ Ancelotti $tated, “The$e are old men who can’t be expected to compete on $o many level$. Their hip$ might break.”
Ronaldinho, who long ago, lo$t intere$t in playing, now favor$ a life of capriciou$ con$umption and hot jizz-covered whore$. And earning Jordane$que money for 15 game$ a $ea$on, $o he can concentrate on hi$ new hobbie$ of gangbang$ and cachaça $hould be too good to pa$$ up.
Thi$ ha$ excited hi$ potential teammate$ at Milan, who have lo$t intere$t in Kaka’$ partie$, which Ma$$imo Oddo ha$ de$cribed a$ “too much Bible, too little bukake!” Ronaldinho, who hold$ notoriou$ly $tellar partie$ will change all that. Cafu ha$ been heard to $ay, “Finally I can u$e $ome of thi$ Levitra that the doctor gave me!” Meanwhile high-end pro$titute$ in Milan are excited about the potential move, a$ the expected windfall from Ronaldo never emerged when he moved to Intermilan. Additionally, pro$titute$ in Barcelona are looking for what they are calling “a little re$t”.
Sunday, November 4, 2007
Leave Brittany Alone!
Wolfsburg have finally given up on football. The team, based in the city of the same name, which was built to house workers for what would become the Volkswagen Beetle, has never won anything. In fact until the early 90’s they had never even been in the Bundesliga. So rather than keep up the façade, chairman Hans-Dieter Pötsch has decided to pull financial support out of the club and focus on their new business model, which is 90’s style boy bands. While currently passé in the music industry, Vfb Wolfsburg are sure that the genre will come back as it often does, and this time they will be on the cutting edge.
Ladies, meet the ‘Da Wolves and get ready to cream yo’ panties.
Bang bang. Now you rolling with MC Quiroga. I be the sensitive member of ‘da band. My facial hair and dew rag say I’m a rebel. But my sweet face won’t scare young white prepubescent suburban girls, who can work out the complicated nature of female sexuality. They can fantasize about my love and support while they be finger-blastin’. Word!
Hola, me llamo Senor Costa. I’m here for the Latino demographic. I actually have talent, but it’s wasted on choreographed danced moves and the rare vocal accompaniment. I’m happy go lucky on the outside, but inside I cry as my ethnographic heritage is minimized for middle class uggs-wearing gringos. I will be working in the porn industry of Costa Rica within 5 years.
‘Sup I be Dynamite Dejagah. I be da guy with fake street cred, yo! I was once a gang-banga, sept it twas only be in Grand Theft Auto: Vice City. My turn ons be burkas and clitorectomies. My turns offs be ankles and Jews. Hit me up yo!
Yo. Marcelinho-Yo here. I’m the middle-age guy parading around in a boy’s band. I’m so old that even our groupie’s mother’s get skeeved at the after-party. But I’ll take a Viagra, some blood thinner and beta-blocer and three hours later, make sweet creepy love to you baby.
Hey, I’m Fire Brier. I’m ‘da ”fish outta wata”, the awkwardly inserted white guy. I overcompensate for my granola nature by borrowing freely from the counter-culture of minority groups. I lack any semblance of talent, but if I’m not thrown in and given a leading role, you can be sure nobody will buy this album and Tipper Gore would have a conniption. I was born for substance abuse and will be the only one to get a solo album and will most likely have a contrived tape of a sex-act with Lindsay Lohan on YouTube soon.
Be the first to download the debut album @ http://www.vflwolfsburg.de/fantuning
Thanks to Jan
Friday, November 2, 2007
The Table Never Lies (11/02)
1. Arsenal
Gilberto is starting to voice concerns about his role in the team. Really? Dude, you're the wrong side of 24, let alone 30. You've been with Wenger for five years and haven't picked up the pattern?
2. Man Utd
Scoring at will…..against shitty teams
3. Man City
6-0 Loss to Chelsea. And yet Garrido was still man of the match.
4. Chelsea
Yes, fans love the new exciting football. Nothing more exciting than a last gasp winner against mighty Leicester City.
5. Blackburn
The U.S. Commerce Department has officially listed Brad Friedel as the lone American Export in any industry that doesn't blow chunks.
6. Liverpool
Okay for the last time: Xabi goes off and Arsenal takes the game to you. This is not a coincidence.
7. Portsmouth
Well now we know where Benjani gets his trademark celebration. It's a tribute to 'Arry who uses it in tirades when fucktards take penalties.
8. Newcastle
Who's missing Martin Jol the most? That’s right Big Sam. The fraction between Jol and Berbatov has abated and now Michael Owen is the best way to fill space in the English rags. I have it on good authority that Owen is off to Dag and Red.
9. Everton
They had to survive while Cahill recovered and now seem poised to jump up the table. They only need to avoid Mark Clattenburg.
10. Aston Villa
Olof Mellberg is possibly off to Juventus. Can you blame him? He lost to his place to Zak Knight. That's like losing a pie-eating contest to an anorexic.
11. West Ham
What's in a name? For Nobby Salano, not a goddamn thing. Truly an oxymoron.
12. Reading
How do you have second season syndrome when you have the same points as the first season?
13. Birmingham
Here's a guarantee. With their midfield (Kapo, de Ridder, Muamba), there is no way that Brum go down. And here's why that guarantee is more useless than the American dollar: Carson Yeung.
14. Fulham
Okay, Bond fan-b0oy, enough with the women's glasses! A real set of spectacles might help you see the abomination that is your team is.
15. Sunderland
Kenwyne Jones is good enough that this team can't possibly go down, no matter how obsessively the defense collects red cards.
16. Wigan
It's looking like Tottenham overpaid for the wrong Bent.
17. Middlesbrough
A little trivia for you: Gareth Southgate has now coaxed as many goals out of Jeremie Aliadiere as Arsene Wenger. Suck on that Frenchy!
18. Tottenham
Well they make suck on the field, but watching this club's off-field antics is rivaling a late night screening of the hot chicks from the L Word grind-fucking the shit out one another.
19. Bolton
They found the right man to guide them through the drop. Megson is beyond reproach when it comes to relegation.
20. Derby
The dreaded vote of confidence for Davies from the new chairman. Newsflash Pearson, A) you look inbred and B) even the Special One couldn't guide this consortium of Sunday pub-siders to safety.
Thursday, November 1, 2007
Jol's Blog Will Detail UCL for Daniel Levy
Martin Jol is on the verge of meeting Tottenham Chairman Daniel Levy’s demand of Champion’s League football. While Daniel Levy and Damien Comolli have made a mess of the season at White Hart Lane and ensured their continued absence from Europe’s grand stage, Martin Jol is on the verge of securing his spot in the group stage of this year’s contest.
In fact, if things move quickly, Martin Jol could be making a visit to Fenerbahce next week for his first game. The affable Dutchman is on the verge of taking over at PSV Eindhoven after their manager, Ronald Koeman, agreed to become the new caretaker at Valencia. Sitting currently third in group G behind their next opponent and Inter Milan, the Champion’s League regulars are looking to the man who was so brazenly dumped from his post with the third best team in North London.
The most interesting scenario would see Jol guide the Eredivisie Champions to the UEFA Cup where they could meet his old club in the knock-out stage. A visiting Jol might well ensure that Spurs play their first road game at White Hart Lane. And when PSV concede a late goal to Juande Ramos’ side, the Spurs faithful can go home with that feeling of familiarity that they have so long enjoyed.
Of course there are many mitigating factors that could affect this scenario. The most obvious is that Koeman will most likely be run out of town by Valencia fans by the time you read this and will be back at PSV before they can hire Jol. This isn’t the first time Jol has been within a breath of UCL football to see it slip away. So, Martin Jol has vowed to avoid lasagna until he emerges from the tunnel at Şükrü Saracoğlu Stadium.
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Quique'd Out of the Mastella
Valencia fans relish the prospect of Jose Mourinho taking over their club and being subsequently dismissed. “It took Chelsea a little over two years to run him out of town. We can run that motherfucker out of town in half the time with our mouths taped,” said long time socio Victor Nadal.
The rumor mill is heavily linking the Special One with the job at the Mastella after Quique Sanchez Flores was fired at 4 AM CET by sporting director Miguel Angel Ruiz after two embarrassing defeats to the Norwegian side Rosenborg and the Andalucían club Sevilla. Although Los Che sit fourth in the La Liga table, it was not enough to save the job of Quique who becomes the third casualty in four years, despite two top four finishes. Ruiz has stated that he wants a big manager as a replacement because “I want to make my mark on this club by firing a famous manager, not some schlub.”
Sanchez Flores, who won an internal political battle this summer with the previous sporting director, seemed to have time on his side after seeing off Amedeo Carboni. However a sterling start to the season was not enough for the ambitious club, who desperately want a return to their glory days, which is rather hard to pinpoint, seeing as one of Spain’s richest clubs have only won the league six times.
Mostly it comes down to the Valencia fans, which have never turned on a manager in the history of the club. When they uncharacteristically started booing Quique, management knew it was time to see off the manager they had put their wholehearted faith in this past summer. Quique, for his part, blames the lack of funds afforded him as he was unable to attract his most coveted targets Wesley Sneijder and Rafael Van der Vaart. The two Dutchmen would have helped his stagnant offense, but they were both steadfast in their refusal to move to the club.
Meanwhile, Bernd Schuster has asked for Wednesday’s game between Real Madrid and the team he calls “der Tod des Trainers” to be moved. Schuster, who spends most of his time perusing conspiracy theory chat rooms, is worried that because Valencia and its last two opponents have all seen coaching changes within the past 7 days, he has something to be worried about. Considering Real’s current position in the table, he may have reason to be concerned.
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
die Tabelle lügen nicht! (10/30)
1. FC Bayern
For the first time this season, it can be said that they lost the midfield battle. And they were lucky to get out of Dortmund with a point due to this.
2. HSV
They are learning to win without Rafael van der Vaart, which will be important come next year. Vincent Kompany scored both goals in their 2 1-0 wins in the league and UEFA Cup.
3. Werder Bremen
Torsten Frings aggravated his right knee in the game and will miss an additional month after recently returning from injury to the same knee. Fortunately for Werder, their midfield isn’t completely knackered at the moment, so they should manage.
4. Karlsruhe
Markus Miller tore a knee ligament two minutes into the game, played the full 90 with a taped knee, made at least two spectacular saves and found out afterwards that he will be out for half a year. The feel good story of the season just went sour.
5. Schalke 04
I don’t know what’s more bankable, a 1-0 win for Hamburg or a draw for Schalke. The return of Kuranyi and Pander helped, but they are still missing Krstajic because Sanogo had two pristine chances to win this late for the visitors.
6. Hannover
Mike Hanke hasn’t scored in nearly 600 minutes. Dieter Hecking has obviously never played Football Manager; otherwise, he would know this is normal.
7. Wolfsburg
Somebody got a new bottle of peroxide. I’m looking at you Marcelinho. It’s distracting us all from the Wolves fantastic run of form.
8. Hertha Berlin
While the 29 year old Serbian Marko Pantelic might be the focal point of HBS’ offense, the impressive aspect of this is that everyone knows it and he’s still supremely productive. Scored one and caused the own goal against Bochum.
9. Frankfurt
Between last week’s shellacking by a pathetic Nurnberg side and this week's inept performance, their strong start might be what keeps them above the dreaded dotted line by season’s end.
10. Bayer Leverkusen
It truly pains me to say this, but Rene Adler’s timid approach on a ball that should have been cleared allowed Andreas Beck to steal a point from Leverkusen.
11. Dortmund
They had a truly inspirational performance against Bayern this week. Were it not for their forwards, they could have easily won 3-0.
12. Stuttgart
Thomas Hitzelsperger returns from injury and the confidence returns immediately. They may not have deserved to win, but it’s no coincidence that the return of Hitzelsperger saw a change in luck and form.
13. Arminia
Jonas Kamper’s rumblings that he wants to start might make Ernst Middendorp’s job more difficult as he scored to help Arminia avoid an embarrassing home loss to Cottbus.
14. Hansa Rostock
Did what few have accomplished at home against KSC this year: got a point.
15. Nürnberg
It was a poor week for the Cup holders as they suffered a drubbing by Felix Magath’s men and then got knocked out of the DFB Pokal by lowly Jena.
16. Bochum
Going down faster than Stanislav Sestak in the box.
17. Duisburg
Have now lost six of seven in the league, and just got dumped from the Cup. Meanwhile trainer Rudi Bommer seems to have no answers.
18. FC Energie
They scored their first road goal of the season. At this rate, expect exactly two more this campaign.
Monday, October 29, 2007
May God "Bless" You Mikey
Boston Red Sox Bible-thumping reliever Mike Timlin revealed that God has been ignoring such hot-button issues as poverty, war, famine, global-warming, obesity and Brittany’s kids to focus on left-handed pitching. Jon Lester threw 5 2/3rds innings of shutout ball to help the Red Sox eek out a win against the Colorado Rockies in game 4 of the World Series.
Having won their second World Series in four years after an 86 year drought, the Red Sox turned over the Rockies 4-3 in game four of a four game sweep. News agencies converged on the drunken players to get blanched quotes to fill space in programming and print, but were treated to a true revelation by the 41 year old reliever, who has now won four series with the Sox and Blue Jays.
“This is going to sound funny. But God blessed Jon Lester with cancer just to show a lot of people that you can overcome something that's so hard in your life you think, 'I'm not gonna make it.' He's going to be able to take his faith in God and the strength God gave him and tell a lot of other people a great story.”
The 23 year old left-hander was diagnosed with lymphoma last August and has subsequently battled back to health, to the point of being able to reinvigorate his baseball career. And this all thanks to the Big G, who inflicted this chromosomal abnormality from inception on the Tacoma, Washington native, because one day he knew that he would be needed to ensure a sweep of a baseball series between two mismatched franchises. When asked God responded, “fuck a fifth game bitches.”
This isn't baseball first case of cancer. Other former baseball greats, such as Jon Kruk, Darryl Strawberry, Roger Maris, Andres Gallarragah, Joe Torre and the Babe have fought the dread disease to varying results. It is, however, the first time that the Alpha and Omega has been directly involved with a diseased player. Reports that betting on Lester's performance were closed due to heavy betting have only increased media speculation.
Not satisfied with Lester's brave fight and superb performance Mike Timlin, finding inspiration in Lou Gehrig, has contacted the American Cancer Society. He is demanding that they rename “Anaplastic Large Cell Lymphoma” to Lesterphoma.
Friday, October 26, 2007
Hughes Shock Revelation, "Sand is Sandy"
Mark Hughes has ruled out a switch to the newly vacated managerial position at Tottenham Hotspur. It’s a bold move by the
While it is well known that Martin Jol was sacked in favor of
Mark Hughes has a strong history of stating the obvious. His past proclamations have included such insights as “You have to score to win”, “Going into Old Trafford can be tough”, “The sky is blue”, “I will never be the Queen of England” and “My man perm was regrettable”.
Hughes has also ruled himself out of the positions at Arsenal, Bayern Munich and Barcelona.
Thursday, October 25, 2007
Tripping Down Nostalgia Lane
FSC has begun showing 30 minute highlight reels of old games. I think it has been a wonderful addition to their programming. I was watching Manchester United play
The game ended 9-0 to United, which is the record victory in Premiership history. But what was more interesting was to see all the familiar faces looking so unfamiliar. I was new to the sport in 1995 and wouldn’t find the Premiership for a few more years. So here are some things that have changed and some that haven’t since that memorable game (well memorable for some).
Changes
Andy Cole
He could score. I thought that was just an urban legend. He tallied as many goals in that game as I have seem him cumulatively score.
Steve Bruce
This one’s sad. He looked immensely confident anchoring that back line. It’s almost appalling to see the man now, who would lose a restive contest with a feral cat. It is quite the different characterization from the man now begging a
Mark Hughes
Why didn’t somebody warn me that he had pubes on his head? I never understood why REO Speedwagon called him a poser, but now I get it..
Lee Sharpe
Was anyone aware that the reality television star once played football? Or maybe that was a skit on a reality show. It was surreal.
Graham Poll
Martin Tyler described him during the game as a referee with a bright future. Little did the great one know that Poll’s future would only be bright in punditry. The real shame was the Robbie Savage had just been sold to
Roy Keane
My wife describes him as a very handsome man. In this game, he was absolutely hideous. Even with the glamour of playing for Manchester United, “I” would have totally beaten him out for hairy-knuckle handjob from the aforementioned troll-girl at this point in his career. I mean he looked like the product of a family fuck-fest involving a sister, a brother and another brother who is an albino. Theresa deserves some mad credit.
Martin Tyler
He’s not one for gaffs, but he made two in this game. The previously mentioned Graham Poll flattery was the first. After the sixth goal,
Stayed the Same
Roy Keane was playing right-back, replacing the injured Gary Neville. Where have I heard that before? So is Wes Brown the new Roy Keane?
Frank Yallop, looked completely haggard and lost. It was the same “deer in headlights” look that fans of the MLS will instantly recognize. Oh and Beckham was nowhere to be seen. Irony can be so Ironic.
If “Sharpe” hadn’t been emblazoned onto his shirt, I would have had no idea when this game took place by looking at Ryan Giggs.
The Governor showed us that he is, was and always will be an utter cunt. David Linighan committed a foul from around 25 yards out. Paul Ince quickly took the free kick to catch the beleaguered keeper Craig Forrest out of position for the 8th goal. Yes, 8th!
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