Faster Than Captain Keano's Exit

Manchester United's new racing stripes on the back of their 2007/8 kits have increased team speed by 10%. In tests conducted by the ACTAS, a premium Olympic training center, it was found that each member of United's squad had seen a significant increase in speed and quickness due to the new go-faster stripes originally pioneered on Briggs Cunningham race cars.

H. Lord Thommassen, the leading sports scientist who conducted the test on behalf of Sir Alex Ferguson and Nike found a proportional increase in acceleration among all of the members of United's world-class squad. They were tested and filmed, with and without the new strips, for sprint ability over the first three steps of a 15m sprint. The results proved that with the shirt's on, the team had significantly lower (12% slower) left and right foot contact times, increased stride frequency and better knee extension. However, there was no difference found in stride length.

It was found that Wayne Rooney's 100 meter sprint time which had been previously clocked at 11.2 seconds, came in at 10.1 seconds when decked out in the spiffy new shirt.

John O’Shea saw a similar result in his 100 meter which was reduced from 15 to 13.5 minutes. Meanwhile Cristiano Ronaldo and Ryan Giggs are no longer visible to the naked eye, as they are able to evade light beams from the sun.

It was found that Gabriel Heinze was capable of calling his lawyers 33 times an hour, up from 29, when wearing the shirt. Sir Alex has even used the stripe to increase his signings this summer. Even the number of jokes at the expense of Dong Fangzhuo's unfortunate name have increased in the clubhouse from 3 to 4 and hour.

However, the most remarkable results occurred with Louis Saha and Ole Gunnar Solskjær who saw a 25% increase in visits to the physios.

David Gill, the chief executive for the club, has been desperately trying to get one of the new kits to Kia Joorabchian in hopes of speeding up the Carlos Tevez saga.

With such significant results, Manchester United are considering further enhancements to their lightening-fast squad, including upgrading intake and exhaust systems, forced induction and nitrous oxide.

Adieu Adu!

Freddy Adu has been downgraded from the next Pelé to the next Eusebio following his move from the Real Salt Lake to Benfica in Portugal. Once a media darling, Freddy Adu has failed to impress even his mother since joining the MLS at the tender age of 14. Feeling rejected since being referred to as "what ever happened to that kid?" by anyone with a passing knowledge of the game in the United States, he decided to move abroad. A solid performance at the Under-21 World Cup in Canada piqued the interest of many teams in Europe; however, Freddy and his handlers made their move based on his probability of a label.

When it was suggested that he think of being a first rather than a next, the marketing team behind the young star looked confused and dazed. His agent Richard Motzkin was seen curled up in the fetal position crying, "You can't sell originality! You just caaaaaaan't!"

They made sure to avoid any team where Roger Milla had once played, as the fear of being the next Roger Milla might remind everyone that he is currently much older than the Cameroonian legend. A move to Celtic where he could have been the next Jinky or Tottenham where he could have been branded the next Gazza were rejected because his impending failure would be highly publicized in those countries. By blending into the scenery of the Portuguese Superliga, it is hoped that his 5 years will run out without notice that he is truly the next Kyle Rote Jr.

Liga Pokal 2007

While most countries are preparing for the upcoming season with friendlies, the Bundesliga has made a major tournament out of the preseason. The Premier League Cup, or Ligapokal, is a small knock-out tournament that precedes the start of the Bundesliga by incorporating the top four finishers from the previous season, the winner of the German FA Cup and the winner of the Bundesliga Zwei. The winner is rewarded €2 million, which is a considerable sum for a European summer tournament. Rather than the Charity Shield (which was the format the Ligapokal followed from 1972 to 1996), think of a series of games between United, Liverpool, Chelsea, Arsenal, Tottenham and Sunderland.

While teams from the rest of Europe's top leagues travel the world hoping to market their brand and exhausting their players before the season even start or playing friendlies against weak competition on the continent to get their players match fit, Germany's top sides are playing a real competition against equal sides. Bayern and Schalke's runs to the final included three games for each side which puts them in September condition for their first games next week. It also gave them time to assess new signings and tactics under premium conditions. England, Spain, France and Italy would serve themselves well to follow Germany, who is now looking to grow the tournament from six to 32 teams in the coming years.

Let's take a look at this year iteration.

The first round started with Bayern Munich v. Werder Bremen and Karlsruhe v. Schalke 04. The winners would face the champions Stuttgart and FC Nurnberg respectively.

The results:

Bremen 1 – 4 Bayern Munich

A retooled Bayern needed little time to showcase their new signings, as Zé Roberto, Hamit Altintop, Miroslav Klose and Franck Ribéry were all involved in the braces that led to a 4-1 dismantling of Werder Bremen, after falling behind early in a very tense affair. Bremen can look to the return of Diego, Nadal and Aaron Hunt as well as the new addition of Carlos Alberto to give them solace for a poor performance all around. Meanwhile, Bayern looks to be an absolutely enthralling team to follow this year, as their midfield is extremely fluid allowing all their central depth to move forward, providing chances from in and outside the box. All of their goals came from the midfield. Their major concern could be finding roles for everyone as they also have depth at striker that wasn't addressed due to injuries to Luca Toni and Lucas Podolski.

Karlsruhe 0 – 1 Schalke

Last year's stingiest defense in the Bundesliga faced off with last year's top scoring team from the Bundesliga Zwei. While a seeming ridiculous stat, the game played out along those lines with Schalke playing deep and creating little while Karlsruhe attacked in waves. The turning point of this game, in retrospect, came very early when Schalke's captain Bordon took down Edmond Kapllani in the 5th. A weak penalty shot by Tamás Hajnal, combined with an excellent read by Manuel Neuer, saw the end to Karlsruhe's best chance. The rest of the game was played in the middle of the field with Schalke, missing star Kevin Kuranyi, showing a lack of creativity. Karlsruhe who had relied on the wings for the first 20 minutes found those channels closed with sticky going in the middle. The game was decided on the only mistake tiny Karlsruhe made during the game when their center-halves Mario Eggiman and Maik Franz were caught flatfooted by a back pass and Halil Altintop finished his chance.

Nürnberg 2 -4 Schalke

This was a score that flattered to deceive both the whole Nurnberg squad and 10 of Schalke's squad. A game that took place for the first 35 minutes between the two boxes, other than Nürnberg's early goal, exploded with life if the last few minutes of the first half with goals by Levan Kobiaschvili, Fabian Ernst and Peter Lovenkrands. A 4th was added in the 58th minute by Heiko Westermann. All four goals had one thing in common, Kevin Kuranyi. The German international was instrumental in taking charge of the game and setting up all of the goals. Passes to free Kobiaschvili and Ernst were followed by a pass that freed Kobiaschvili down the right who crossed for Lovenkrands and the third goal. Kuranyi's work in the box earned the corner that led to the final goal and it was Nürnberg's collapse on him that left Westermann free to score. The entire Schalke attacking mentality was down to getting the ball to Kuranyi and it was easy to see the difference in the sluggish side that barely escaped Karlsruhe and this side that dissected Nürnberg's typically stern defense so effectively. One was left to wonder why a double teaming of Kuranyi wasn't employed by manager Hans Meyer.

Stuttgart 0 –2 Bayern Munich

Stuttgart played a very conservative counter-attacking tactic against Bayern Munich and provided no better a clue how to diffuse the behemoth from Bavaria. In the first game, the free-flowing Bremen had folded under Bayern's fluid attack and Stuttgart fared no better with a more stoic approach. Altintop continued to impress down the right flank. Zé Roberto provided flawless cleanup. Van Bommel did the dirty work, including an offense to an opposing groin that would get him suspended for the final. Bastian Schweinsteiger and Ribéry provided the service and youngster Sandro Wagner was given the chance up front due to 3 injured forwards at Munich. The final score could have been greater as Munich was off on a few chances that could have left it at 5-0, but a Ribéry blast off a Wagner back-heel and Wagner's finish off Ribéry's cross secured the final for Bayern.

Bayern Munich 1 – 0 Schalke 04

The final hinged on two factors. First, there was the experience of Bayern's Oliver Kahn compared to Schalke's Neuer. While both played solidly, Kahn dealt with Schalke's best chances cleanly, while Neuer came off his line and played the oncoming Bordon and Klose rather than the ball in one of Bayern's better attacks. The resulting goal was all that Bayern would need to secure the cup. The second factor was the combination of an injury to Ribéry, the suspension of Van Bommel and the resting of Schweinsteiger. The new look midfield was less fluid and more defensive in structure and resulted in Bayern making less penetration into Schalke's final third. Schalke's counter-attack was stymied by this and Kuranyi was left with less room to operate. Since Schalke move into their opponent's final 3rd predominately through Kuranyi, they made few chances even when chasing the game.

Moving into next week, let's take a look at what might be expected from viewing this tournament. A late season comparison will follow.

It was thought that Ribéry might be a replacement for Schweinsteiger after the latter caught Lyme's disease. But with both in the midfield and capable of switching from the middle to both the left and right flank, the stretch the defense, disrupt tactics and allow the deep-lying midfielders space for surges, especially Altintop who has a dangerous long range shot. They also seem to work well with one another and already show signs of excellent attacking partnership. Expect to Bayern to start hot and never look back.

Schalke 04 will make the semi-finals of the Champion's League. They are an excellent counter-attacking side with a bona fide superstar in Kevin Kuranyi. They are solid in the back ad are a difficult side to beat. They can afford to play for a dray because if they can make it to penalties they have Neuer between the sticks and he has a thoroughly impressive penalty record to rely on. What they lack is the link between their defense and Kuranyi that Lincoln provided last year, but they are looking towards Steven Appiah to fix that. If they get Appiah, who knows how far they could go in the Bundesliga and the Champion's League.

Stuttgart's loss of Timo Hildebrand will cost them at least 10 points this year. A team that relies on defense the way Stuttgart does can ill afford to lose one of the best keepers in the game and expect a shaky new keeper like Raphael Schäfer to give them the same service. Given time Schäfer will be a serviceable keeper, but can he ever give them the comfort of Hildebrand?

Werder Bremen has to hope Markus Rosenborg can replace Klose. They gave him time last year to learn the system, but Werder faded when Klose had a poor 2nd half last year and they won't have him to carry them like he did early last season. While the addition of Carlos Alberto and return of Diego will help, they need a clinical finisher to stand in front of their creative midfield.

Karlsruhe should escape the drop as they have enough at the back and going forward to keep them up for the year.

Nurnberg should be a much more attacking-minded side this year. Russian Ivan Saenko seems to have overcome his prima donna phase after becoming a regular with the Russian national team and should be turning heads as Marek Mintál returns to provide options going forward for last year's Cup winners.

Final Standing Predictions in the Bundesliga: 1) Bayern 2) Hamburg 3) Schalke 04

The Silly Season (7/29)

Bolton have secured a season long loan for Swedish winger Christian Wilhelmsson. Part of the deal includes Wilhelmsson regrowing his infamous rattail, which manager Sammy Lee sees as the Rapunzellian key to being heard by his squad.

Robbie Fowler has left Liverpool for Cardiff City. If you see a lost Scouser in County Clwyd, you have been asked to call Steve McManaman as he took off on their prized steed, Soon 2B Glue.

West Brom have sold Paul McShane to Sunderland in £1.5 million deal. Earlier in the week Curtis Davies had given up the captaincy at the northwest club. This latest transfer is seen as an attempt by West Brom to keep him as skipper by selling all of their other players.

Freddie Ljungberg has left Arsenal for the short trip east to Upton Park. The Swedish captain has seen phenomenal success since joining the North London club from Halmstads in 1998; including two Premiership titles, and undefeated season, 3 F.A. Cups, a Charity Shield and the final of the Champion’s League. Freddy has set his sights on a new challenge, one that he has never experienced: a relegation dogfight.

Luke Young’s secret desire to leave Charlton Athletic came true this week when his former club agreed to a fee of £2.5 million with Middlesbrough. Upon being introduced by the club to the fans, Young did what Luke Young does best and handed in his transfer request.

Blackburn has landed Paraguayan international Roche Santa Cruz in a deal believed to be in the region of £3.4million. Santa Cruz was mistakenly delivered to a local Rugby club for his first practice, where he was subjected to hair-pulling, eye-gouging, hand-bagging and a finger up his ass. When asked about the mix-up, Santa Cruz lamented “I wondered why Mark Hughes would have such an easy practice.”

Sven Signs Someone

Sven’s Manchester City revolution continues with his newest signing, Bulgarian international Martin or Stiliyan Petrov. There seems to be a lot of confusion about this signing as neither Martin nor Stiliyan are sure which of them is included in the deal.

Martin O’Neill has released a statement refuting the announcement by Manchester City, “I just want all of our supporters to know that Martin Petrov is and will continue to be a Villa player.” Atletico has confirmed the sell of Martin or Stiliyan, saying "while the time for a move was at hand, we are thankful for Stiliyan for all of his service to the club and wish Martin all the best in the future." Afterward they canvassed reporters hoping someone would know who the team had just sold.

It was rumored that Martin or Stiliyan Petrov was being courted by Tottenham Hotspur as one or the other is best mates with star forward Dimitar Berbatov. When asked about the transfer, Mitko replied, “I love Martin or Stiliyan, but am not sure which. It’s the one who I do not think is an asshole. I wish we could have signed the one who isn’t an asshole.”

Martin and Stilian Petrov are both Bulgarian internationls. Former National team manager Hristo Stoichkov, who now resides over Celta Vigo, was fired because of the confusion over the two players. "I call up both each time because I am not sure who is who. It's a fifty percent chance I am correct. This made other Martin or Stiliyan mad and they refuse to play under me. Why they not want to wear a name tag, I ask you?"

Rafa Benitez in Double-Digit Diabetes Scare

Rafa the Hut has been told by Liverpool physios that he is three chorizos away from a full frontal ass. The Spanish manager has recently been spotted sporting a snazzy new goatee in order to deflect attention from his fat upper pussy/penile area or FUPA. If the FUPA turns into an actual frontal ass, Rafa, who has been reduced to washing himself with a rag on a stick, has been advised to take a more “Captain Caveman” approach to his facial hair.

British authorities are becoming concerned with the ever expanding waistline of the Scousers’ Gaffer, whose gravitational force has slowly begun to close the Irish Sea. Having been granted his own postal code of L4 FAT by the Royal Mail in hopes of averting a geo-political crisis, a discussion is now underway in Parliament arguing whether Benitez should be granted his own nation-state status. The move is not without precedence, as Andorra was formed when Price Juan Ramon Fatty McFat Fat was stranded in the Pyrenees.

Freddy Shepherd Will Be Missed

Sunderland and Middlesbrough fans are upset by the sudden removal of Freddie Shephard as Chairman of Newcastle United by new owner Mike Ashley. Shepherd’s tumultuous 10 year run as head of the Northeast club came to an end Tuesday night when he was replaced by Chris Mort.

Ashley had undertaken a strategic review of all aspects of the club, and determine within minutes of the review where the problems lied at St. James’ Park. It had been suggested that debt concerns or the buyout clauses of Michael Owen and Obafemi Martins were the major concerns that led to Ashley’s decision. However a majority of season ticket holder scoffed at this limited view. John Ritchies, who has been a supporter for over 35 years, claimed that Freddy Shepherd was incapable of doing anything right and that the ex-Chairman could have fucked up a wet dream.

None of this, however, helps rival fans of Middlesbrough and Sunderland, who had come to rely on the Chairman’s irresponsible and maniacal antics to help them forget how sensationally poor their sides have been during the Shepherd’s tenure.

Collin Tewksbury, a Middlesbrough supporter was devastated and vowed to concentrate fully on the antics of Mort rather than face the dispiriting reality of having Gareth Southgate as a manager. Sunderland fans, who had been upbeat since the appointment of Roy Keane, are facing their first crisis as the future looks suddenly un-fucking-bleak for their bitter rivals. Long time Black Cat supporter Leigton Brislaw summed it up best when he beat this reporter silly with a chair as he repeated “Things were just looking up!”

Leader of One-Hit Wonder Big Mountain Thanks Klye Beckerman

Big Mountain's lead singer Quino is totally grateful to Klye Beckerman for the free publicity. The band who has suffered abject failure since the success of their 1993 remake of Peter Frampton's "Baby I Love Your Way" are excited that people are talking about them again. "It was, like, nobody remembered us....we couldn't even get a mercy joke on any of the 50 shows covering 90's music on VH1," revealed Quino, whose trademark cracker-rasta locks were shaved once it became the rage of the college campus patchouli and wool hoodie crowd. But now that Kyle Beckerman has replicated Quino's infamous "wastaman" hair, the scathing comments and snide remarks, such as "I guess we know whatever happened to your band, dude", "Hey, Big Mountain is calling, they want their hair back" and "Dude, sing that shitty Frampton cover" that Beckerman hears from fans and colleagues of the MLS has people Googling Big Mountain enough that they have seen their site hits double to 4 this past month. Quino has promised to borrow his Mom's Jetta and ride up to Los Angeles the next time Real Salt Lake plays to thank Beckerman.

The Silly Season (7/21)

Aston Villa's second major signing of the summer… must be coming soon. Until then, the Birmingham club has relieved West Ham of Marlon Harewood and his 4 goal thriller that was the 2006/07 season. He will provide depth in the one area that Martin O'Neill’s men don't need depth - lumbering goalless wonders.

Everton have secured a loan deal for Borussia Dortmund’s attacking midfielder Steven Pienaar. Pienaar was signed by Dortmund to replace Tomáš Rosický, who left for Arsenal in 2005. His move to England has been the closest the South African has come to replicating Rosický’s form.

Real Madrid has decided to forego the Galacticos mentality for a more austere Worthlessticos policy. Following the earlier signing of Dortmund's second-rate defender Christopher Metzelder, they have now signed Liverpool's third-rate goalkeeper Jerzy Dudek. Best known for having the best seat during A.C. Milan's penalty fiasco at the 2005 Champion's League final, Dudek is expected to replicate his Merseyside role in the Spanish capital by sitting motionless for 90 minutes each game.

Lawrie Sanches has added the newest component to his relegation battle with QPR's winger Lee Cook. Cook was so highly sought that even perpetually-in-need Tottenham Hotspur never gave the kid with a left foot a look. He is expected to excel against Sunderland, Derby and Birmingham City this year, before being expected to excel against two of them in the Championship next season.

Roy Keane has signed the Nigerian Roy Keane named Dickson Etuhu from Norwich. The combative midfielder looks to add depth to Sunderland, provide a physical presence, and proof of karma to the once volatile player, who is quickly gaining respect for his composure as a manager and his ability to sign unwanted castoffs from Manchester clubs. Norwich plans a parade for his departure this coming Monday.

Julien Faubert dreams of never playing at Upton Park seem closer than ever thanks to his ruptured Achilles tendon. Six months down, 4 and 1/2 years to go. Dream that dream, Julien!

Kia Joorabchian is Tired of Paying for Poonani

Carlos Tevez's Iranian agent, who is amidst a dispute with West Ham over the ownership of economic rights to the Argentine hit-man, has promised to prolong the controversy for as long as possible to assure his chance at fame whores. Long able to afford high-class prostitutes for sexual exploits, Joorabchian has determined to save the cash that he typically spends in Dubai or Bangkok for a one-off, in order to tap the more lucrative market of media-savvy party girls. It is Kia's belief that if he can keep his face in the papers and on television, he can start to compete in the lucrative market of B-list celebrity whores.

"Why should some trailer-trash with bull-dyke facial hair, like K-fed, be able to do blow off of Brittany Spears breasts, when someone with money, cars and culture, like myself must pay some uninterested third world poverty stricken girl who was sold by her parents for such a privilege? It is just outrageous", replied Joorabchian, incongruously, when asked about Tevez's medical. While nobody is willing to speak on the record, many financially successful men are monitoring Kia's progress with such tabloid luminaries as Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan. If all goes well and Joorabchian finds himself at the center of another controversy involving a sex-tape and a talentless Hollywood wannabe, expect his footballing path to be followed en masse.

The Silly Season (7/16)

Sunderland has bought left-(insert position here) Kieran Richardson from Manchester United. About Sunderland’s first major signing since rejoining the Premiership, manager Roy Keane said, "I'm delighted that we've been able to bring Kieran to Sunderland.” The kicking and screaming involved was left to the imagination by the newly reserved Gaffer. About Sunderland’s first “major” signing since rejoining the Premiership, most pundits looked at the squad and immediately went out and put money on the drop.

Bordeaux have signed Manchester United’s David Bellion, who last played for Sir Alex approximately 5,200 pints ago. Upon the signing even Ferguson was heard to exclaim, “Who?”

Fulham manager Lawrie Sanchez has secured the signing of Leeds’ striker David Healey in a move to replace the odd minority of Americans at the West Londonclub with an odd minority of Northern Irishmen. Healey is expected to do something that was never required of him at Loftus Road: score.

Fulham have also signed West Ham’s Paul Konchesky. The left-back has crossed over the city from West Ham in order to fulfill his dream of Championship football, having been robbed of the chance by FA incompetence. Upon putting to pen to paper, Sanchez was quick to look at his atlas to figure out which of the six counties contain Konchesky’s hometown of Barking.

Arsenal has completed the signing of Auxerre right-back Bacary Sagna. The Frenchman will now compete with Emmanuel Eboué to perform the Herculean effort of making Justin Hoyte look like the only capable Englishman that Arsene Wenger has ever signed.

Sven Goran Eriksson has completed the signing of Reggina forward, Rolando Bianchi. Only a man from the impoverished town of Reggio Calabria could move to Manchester and see an increase in life expectancy. He will be expected to anchor the forward line, which includes such sterling players as Rolando Bianchi.

In order to provide service to said forward line, which is only such line in England which can be referred to as a point, Sven has also added highly-rated Swiss midfielder Gelson Fernandes Unfortunately for Sven, while the name seems Portuguese or possibly Brazilian, he comes from Cape Verdean stock, and these are the standards by which he was rated “high”.

Why Scousers Shouldn't Be Given Money

Proving the old adage that a fool and his money are soon parted, Liverpool have splashed £11.5 million on Ajax's Ryan Babel. This is the third in a string of brilliant signings based on Football Manager 2007 and the results of fairly poor U21 Euro. The Dutch, champions for two on the trot, have already sent Maceo Righters, who scored more in the tournament of two weeks than for the mighty NAC Breda all season, to Blackburn and Daniel de Ridder, who ran wild against Serbia and ran Celta Vigo right to the Segunda, to Birmingham. Expect Tottenham or Chelsea to foolishly bid on Roysten Drenthe, a man who was replaced in his natural position at Feyenoord last campaign, soon.

This is approximately £2 million for each of Babel's 5 goals last season in 27 appearances. Without the brilliant Wesley Sneijder to supply him, we can expect his strike total to implode for a team where creativity is considered an antiquated frivolity. Most speculate that Babel will take the helm of left mid in hopes of widening the team's world famous 6 meters of midfield. However, considering that Rafa the Hut made his assessment based on the aforementioned tournament, he forgot to note that Babel spent more time in the center than John Kerry during his presidential bid. Expect similar results.

10 Things We Have Learned During Copa America

1. Kasey Keller is older than dirt. It’s time to hang up the boots Kasey, because your reaction time can now be measured with a grandfather clock. And who thought it was a good idea to put the keeper from the worst team in Germany between the sticks. Mr. Bradley, I know you don’t face relegation in the Mickey League, but it is generally a bad thing. And I’ll tell you a phrase you never hear: If it wasn’t for the keeper they wouldn’t have gotten either point this season. Meanwhile, waiting in the wings were potential 2010 backups in Salt Lake’s Seitz, who is having a fantastic tournament in Canada and Chivas’ Guzman. For a squad that was about getting pressure time for young players, this was just plain stupid.
2. Brazil is the new superpower of bad-hair. Bo Derek is alive and well. She had some melanin injections and goes by the name of Anderson. The bad news is that she lost her famous breasts. The good news is that her funky cleavage is ne’er to be seen either. The other good news is that she finally learned to act, sorry simulate. But I will say this, Anderson translated the term Flat Back Four in a very unique way: Flat on Your Back Four the entire game. But as amusing as Anderson’s antics during the Copa have been, he’s not the only successor to Ronaldihno when it comes to funky-ass hair. Along with Manchester United’s next Kleberson there are Ze Roberto’s spiked 'fro, Vagner Love’s drunken white-girl on a cruise ship splurge with a Caribbean hairdresser and Diego’s immovable locks. Seriously, can anyone prove that is not a well sculped bike helmet? Also in the wings is U21 striker Ĵo’s, whose uncanny resemblance to Rick James (fight it, fight it) Bitch (apologies) will delight bald fans like me for years to come.
3. Chelsea paid 1 £ too much for Alex. It seems that the total of English research into this man-mountain’s abilities has been a header against Arsenal last year. And if you think he stopped any scoring in the game, remember Liverpool was the only team that couldn’t stop Arsenal from scoring last year. Watching him for any amount of time during this tournament, one might be inclined to confuse him with a striker. His defensive positioning is so poor and his tendency to drift up the field (when his feet aren’t stapled to the pitch) so constant that John Terry should be excused already for going Joey Barton on him.
4. Paraguay might be awesome with 11 men, but they suck donkey balls when their keeper is ejected in the 3rd minute. Sorry Paraguay, but good teams don’t need a keeper. Spurs finished 5th in the Prem without one for an entire season. Suck that with your Yerba Mate.
5. You can stay on the pitch for hours after being red carded and face no sanctions from FIFA. Columbia’s Robinson Zapata was shown red late in their final match and spent the next 62 minutes arguing with referee Manuel Andarcia, who subsequently added 3 minutes of extra time to make up for Zapata’s attempt at a good old fashioned filibuster. Columbia may not know much about playing football, but they do know their away around referee intimidation.
6. Sebastiean Abreu has cajones de acero. His chip shot penalty with the tournament on the line is one of the best shots ever. Meanwhile in that same match against Brazil, Diego Forlan took a penalty that lacked anything remotely resembling pace. In fact Brazilian keeper Doni, left the stadium, got in his car and drove all the way back to Brazil to make sure he had turned off the iron, before returning to save Forlan’s brilliant homage to the Matrix trilogy.
7. Argentina Juan Ramon Riquelme is the greatest player in the world at the moment. Forget Kaka, who is touted as the same after Milan’s Champion’s League run. Even I could look good in the middle of the pitch with Pirlo and Gattusso camped behind me. And forget Christiano Ronaldo, who is amazing, but benefits immensely from the system of free flowing football at United. Riquelme won the Libertadores single-handedly. He has also had to deal with Juan Sebastian Veron and Cambiasso, who seem loathe to pass it to him, sometimes taking the ball and starting a kick around between themselves in the middle of a forward run. He has also had to deal with a tactical formation of 4-6-0, brutal fouling and double teams and yet he holds and distributes the ball as if he was alone on the pitch. His passing is so sublime and pinpoint, he could hit a gnat in 12th row. And the minute he grabs hold of the game, Argentina takes over. Whoever picks him up in the next few weeks immediately becomes one of the best teams in the world.
   
8. Let’s hope South Africa wasn’t watching this tournament. The partially completed stadiums and black outs might make them stop infrastructure development immediately.
9. If Mexico can avoid Argentina, they will eventually win the World Cup. They played brilliant attacking football, but just lacked finishing against Argentina, who has now knocked them out of the Confederations Cup, Copa and World Cup in 3 years. Is it any wonder that Argentina weren't given the chance to reject an invitation to the Gold Cup. They are a team that all should beware in 2010. And if you have an extra 10 quid, throw it on them to win it all.
10. Ray Hudson is bat-shit insane. Period.
    

The Silly Season (7/11)

Chelsea have finally opened the wallet this silly season and have snared left winger Flourent Malouda from Lyon. The 27 year-old French international had been keen to leave Lyon, just like all its other residents. His addition will undoubtedly lead to more speculation about Arjen Robben's future, which means squeaky bum time for all of the extra physios at Stamford Bridge.

West Ham have won the race for 27 year-old golf champion Craig Bellamy. The Welsh captain's signing has the rest of the team writing out their transfer requests. Surplus to requirement at Liverpool after the signing of Fernando Torres, he will now make Marlon Harewood surplus to requirement for whomever is burdened with his transfer.

Portsmouth retooled its forward line with the signings of David Nugent from Preston North End and John Utaka from Rennes. The Sun was absolutely giddy at the prospect of using the latter's name in the headlines on the back page. My prediction: "Utaka the high road, Harry tells his striker".

Derby sign Ben Hinchliffe on free from Preston. The 19 year-old was highly rated by Rams' boss Billy Davies before he left PNE to take over at Derby. Preston rated him so highly that they couldn't wait for the door to him where natural selection split him.

Wigan beat out Everton and Aston Villa for the signature of West Brom's Welsh international Jason Koumas. The 27 year old creative midfielder came up through the Liverpool academy with Michael Owen and Stephen Gerrard. Unlike Owen and Gerrard, he sucks, which is why Villa and the Toffies were beaten out by Wigan for the signature of anyone.