Quique'd Out of the Mastella

Valencia fans relish the prospect of Jose Mourinho taking over their club and being subsequently dismissed. “It took Chelsea a little over two years to run him out of town. We can run that motherfucker out of town in half the time with our mouths taped,” said long time socio Victor Nadal.

The rumor mill is heavily linking the Special One with the job at the Mastella after Quique Sanchez Flores was fired at 4 AM CET by sporting director Miguel Angel Ruiz after two embarrassing defeats to the Norwegian side Rosenborg and the Andalucían club Sevilla. Although Los Che sit fourth in the La Liga table, it was not enough to save the job of Quique who becomes the third casualty in four years, despite two top four finishes. Ruiz has stated that he wants a big manager as a replacement because “I want to make my mark on this club by firing a famous manager, not some schlub.”

Sanchez Flores, who won an internal political battle this summer with the previous sporting director, seemed to have time on his side after seeing off Amedeo Carboni. However a sterling start to the season was not enough for the ambitious club, who desperately want a return to their glory days, which is rather hard to pinpoint, seeing as one of Spain’s richest clubs have only won the league six times.

Mostly it comes down to the Valencia fans, which have never turned on a manager in the history of the club. When they uncharacteristically started booing Quique, management knew it was time to see off the manager they had put their wholehearted faith in this past summer. Quique, for his part, blames the lack of funds afforded him as he was unable to attract his most coveted targets Wesley Sneijder and Rafael Van der Vaart. The two Dutchmen would have helped his stagnant offense, but they were both steadfast in their refusal to move to the club.

Meanwhile, Bernd Schuster has asked for Wednesday’s game between Real Madrid and the team he calls “der Tod des Trainers” to be moved. Schuster, who spends most of his time perusing conspiracy theory chat rooms, is worried that because Valencia and its last two opponents have all seen coaching changes within the past 7 days, he has something to be worried about. Considering Real’s current position in the table, he may have reason to be concerned.

die Tabelle lügen nicht! (10/30)

1. FC Bayern
For the first time this season, it can be said that they lost the midfield battle. And they were lucky to get out of Dortmund with a point due to this.

2. HSV
They are learning to win without Rafael van der Vaart, which will be important come next year. Vincent Kompany scored both goals in their 2 1-0 wins in the league and UEFA Cup.

3. Werder Bremen
Torsten Frings aggravated his right knee in the game and will miss an additional month after recently returning from injury to the same knee. Fortunately for Werder, their midfield isn’t completely knackered at the moment, so they should manage.

4. Karlsruhe
Markus Miller tore a knee ligament two minutes into the game, played the full 90 with a taped knee, made at least two spectacular saves and found out afterwards that he will be out for half a year. The feel good story of the season just went sour.

5. Schalke 04
I don’t know what’s more bankable, a 1-0 win for Hamburg or a draw for Schalke. The return of Kuranyi and Pander helped, but they are still missing Krstajic because Sanogo had two pristine chances to win this late for the visitors.

6. Hannover
Mike Hanke hasn’t scored in nearly 600 minutes. Dieter Hecking has obviously never played Football Manager; otherwise, he would know this is normal.

7. Wolfsburg
Somebody got a new bottle of peroxide. I’m looking at you Marcelinho. It’s distracting us all from the Wolves fantastic run of form.

8. Hertha Berlin
While the 29 year old Serbian Marko Pantelic might be the focal point of HBS’ offense, the impressive aspect of this is that everyone knows it and he’s still supremely productive. Scored one and caused the own goal against Bochum.

9. Frankfurt
Between last week’s shellacking by a pathetic Nurnberg side and this week's inept performance, their strong start might be what keeps them above the dreaded dotted line by season’s end.

10. Bayer Leverkusen
It truly pains me to say this, but Rene Adler’s timid approach on a ball that should have been cleared allowed Andreas Beck to steal a point from Leverkusen.

11. Dortmund
They had a truly inspirational performance against Bayern this week. Were it not for their forwards, they could have easily won 3-0.

12. Stuttgart
Thomas Hitzelsperger returns from injury and the confidence returns immediately. They may not have deserved to win, but it’s no coincidence that the return of Hitzelsperger saw a change in luck and form.

13. Arminia
Jonas Kamper’s rumblings that he wants to start might make Ernst Middendorp’s job more difficult as he scored to help Arminia avoid an embarrassing home loss to Cottbus.

14. Hansa Rostock
Did what few have accomplished at home against KSC this year: got a point.

15. Nürnberg
It was a poor week for the Cup holders as they suffered a drubbing by Felix Magath’s men and then got knocked out of the DFB Pokal by lowly Jena.

16. Bochum
Going down faster than Stanislav Sestak in the box.

17. Duisburg
Have now lost six of seven in the league, and just got dumped from the Cup. Meanwhile trainer Rudi Bommer seems to have no answers.

18. FC Energie
They scored their first road goal of the season. At this rate, expect exactly two more this campaign.

May God "Bless" You Mikey

Boston Red Sox Bible-thumping reliever Mike Timlin revealed that God has been ignoring such hot-button issues as poverty, war, famine, global-warming, obesity and Brittany’s kids to focus on left-handed pitching. Jon Lester threw 5 2/3rds innings of shutout ball to help the Red Sox eek out a win against the Colorado Rockies in game 4 of the World Series.

Having won their second World Series in four years after an 86 year drought, the Red Sox turned over the Rockies 4-3 in game four of a four game sweep. News agencies converged on the drunken players to get blanched quotes to fill space in programming and print, but were treated to a true revelation by the 41 year old reliever, who has now won four series with the Sox and Blue Jays.

“This is going to sound funny. But God blessed Jon Lester with cancer just to show a lot of people that you can overcome something that's so hard in your life you think, 'I'm not gonna make it.' He's going to be able to take his faith in God and the strength God gave him and tell a lot of other people a great story.”

The 23 year old left-hander was diagnosed with lymphoma last August and has subsequently battled back to health, to the point of being able to reinvigorate his baseball career. And this all thanks to the Big G, who inflicted this chromosomal abnormality from inception on the Tacoma, Washington native, because one day he knew that he would be needed to ensure a sweep of a baseball series between two mismatched franchises. When asked God responded, “fuck a fifth game bitches.”

This isn't baseball first case of cancer. Other former baseball greats, such as Jon Kruk, Darryl Strawberry, Roger Maris, Andres Gallarragah, Joe Torre and the Babe have fought the dread disease to varying results. It is, however, the first time that the Alpha and Omega has been directly involved with a diseased player. Reports that betting on Lester's performance were closed due to heavy betting have only increased media speculation.

Not satisfied with Lester's brave fight and superb performance Mike Timlin, finding inspiration in Lou Gehrig, has contacted the American Cancer Society. He is demanding that they rename “Anaplastic Large Cell Lymphoma” to Lesterphoma.

Hughes Shock Revelation, "Sand is Sandy"

Mark Hughes has ruled out a switch to the newly vacated managerial position at Tottenham Hotspur. It’s a bold move by the Blackburn gaffer who isn’t even under consideration for the position.

While it is well known that Martin Jol was sacked in favor of Seville coach Juande Ramos, Hughes wanted to assure Blackburn fans that he was going nowhere. “Blackburn is the only team for me,” Hughes told jubilated fans before continuing, “No seriously. Nobody else will have me.” While is currently listed as the bookies second choice behind the already hired Ramos, it should be noted that it listed under his nickname “Other”.

Mark Hughes has a strong history of stating the obvious. His past proclamations have included such insights as “You have to score to win”, “Going into Old Trafford can be tough”, “The sky is blue”, “I will never be the Queen of England” and “My man perm was regrettable”.

Hughes has also ruled himself out of the positions at Arsenal, Bayern Munich and Barcelona.

Tripping Down Nostalgia Lane

FSC has begun showing 30 minute highlight reels of old games. I think it has been a wonderful addition to their programming. I was watching Manchester United play Ipswich Town in a game that took place on either March 4^th or April 3^rd of 1995. One can never be sure due to the difference in date format between the U.S. and what some of us like to refer to as everywhere else.

The game ended 9-0 to United, which is the record victory in Premiership history. But what was more interesting was to see all the familiar faces looking so unfamiliar. I was new to the sport in 1995 and wouldn’t find the Premiership for a few more years. So here are some things that have changed and some that haven’t since that memorable game (well memorable for some).

Changes

Andy Cole

He could score. I thought that was just an urban legend. He tallied as many goals in that game as I have seem him cumulatively score.

Steve Bruce

This one’s sad. He looked immensely confident anchoring that back line. It’s almost appalling to see the man now, who would lose a restive contest with a feral cat. It is quite the different characterization from the man now begging a Hong Kong businessman for a phone call, which is eerily reminiscent of my pimply ass begging the girl with knuckle-hair (and yes she was still out of my league) to go to a dance when I was 14.

Mark Hughes

Why didn’t somebody warn me that he had pubes on his head? I never understood why REO Speedwagon called him a poser, but now I get it..

Lee Sharpe

Was anyone aware that the reality television star once played football? Or maybe that was a skit on a reality show. It was surreal.

Graham Poll

Martin Tyler described him during the game as a referee with a bright future. Little did the great one know that Poll’s future would only be bright in punditry. The real shame was the Robbie Savage had just been sold to Crewe. Their early history would have been entertaining and enlightening to social scientists.

Roy Keane

My wife describes him as a very handsome man. In this game, he was absolutely hideous. Even with the glamour of playing for Manchester United, “I” would have totally beaten him out for hairy-knuckle handjob from the aforementioned troll-girl at this point in his career. I mean he looked like the product of a family fuck-fest involving a sister, a brother and another brother who is an albino. Theresa deserves some mad credit.

Martin Tyler

He’s not one for gaffs, but he made two in this game. The previously mentioned Graham Poll flattery was the first. After the sixth goal, Tyler stumbled further when he said, “this is turning into a rout.” Turning into?

Stayed the Same

Roy Keane was playing right-back, replacing the injured Gary Neville. Where have I heard that before? So is Wes Brown the new Roy Keane?

Frank Yallop, looked completely haggard and lost. It was the same “deer in headlights” look that fans of the MLS will instantly recognize. Oh and Beckham was nowhere to be seen. Irony can be so Ironic.

If “Sharpe” hadn’t been emblazoned onto his shirt, I would have had no idea when this game took place by looking at Ryan Giggs.

The Governor showed us that he is, was and always will be an utter cunt. David Linighan committed a foul from around 25 yards out. Paul Ince quickly took the free kick to catch the beleaguered keeper Craig Forrest out of position for the 8^th goal. Yes, 8^th!

Tactical Analysis: Weder Bremen v. Hertha Berlin

Werder Bremen needs to switch to a three-man back. You have to understand that I abhor the three-man back, typically; however, in the case of Thomas Schaaf’s squad it might be a boon. Schaaf epitomizes the defensive-player turned attack-minded trainer, possibly more than anyone in the history of the sport. One of his tactics is to push his fullback forward as modified wing-backs, which results in one or both moving forward anytime Werder attacks (which is often). This leaves them with two in the back on most occasions, and three if as against Hertha Fritz or Panasen could be bothered to track all the way back.

The basic difference between a WB and a FB is that wing-back sets up shop near the half-way line rather than deeper in his half. It’s a midfield position that requires extreme lung power. It means that a wing-back is required to track-back; whereas a full-back defends and moves forward. It’s a tactical nuance that is preferential to its employer. Unfortunately a wing-back system is better suited to a three-man backfield.

In the case of Werder, its deployment with two centerbacks is why they are 2^nd in the table while having conceded goals at relegation rate. The other problem for Werder is the use of a fullback to do a midfielder’s job, in effect, dilutes the talent pool on the pitch. Fritz is a competent fullback, but he is a midfielder by trade and brings a lot more to the table as such. Panasen is a stopgap for Wome, who is injured. Neither bring as much to the table as one of Schaaf’s strong stable of midfielders, such as Baumann, Borowski, Alberto, Andreasen, Frings, Jensen or Vranjes, when he returns.

The suprising thing from the game against HBS was how trainer Lucien Favre failed to exploit Panasen on the left. Berlin, when afforded the chance, would attack down their left flank, where Frisk was usually ready to track-back. On the other side, when Favre’s men attacked, Panasen was nowhere to be seen and Metsacker was always moving out of position to close the space.

For Werder, why not just swap Wome/Panasen for a centerback to pair with Naldo and Metsacker? This frees up a slot for a midfielder, which should help them dominate the midfield battle even more than they typically do. This puts less stress on the center backs and when Naldo goes left or Per goes right, there are still two central defenders to guard the cross.

On the day, Werder dominated the game. They created chance after chance. During the first half, Hertha’s back line played a dangerous but brilliantly executed game of packing the 18. Werder would make the moves to get through the midfield, but the final pass would find its way to a man marked in the box. For a team that gave up three goals, Hertha played beautiful defense during the first half. In the second, Werder started shooting from distance. These led to some close chances and openings for the forward line that pushed the game’s pace up a gear. Still they couldn’t get the goal.

The turning point came on Hertha’s big mistake of the day. Hertha tried playing an offside trap in their own half. Almeida was freed for a pass into space by Diego. It was a 15-20 yard pass that shows where Werder is most dangerous, playing medium passes on the break. The second goal by Rosenborg was stared by a 20 yard aerial pass. The final goal by Andreasen was on the break and Andreasen was targeted after two medium distance passes, one to open the field and the other to find him in the box.

If Werder were to utilize three at the back, they would invite more attacking from their opponents, which three would handle easier than the two they have now. And this would result in more counter opportunities. In this one move, Werder can stabilize their leaky defense and open the game to their strengths. Potentially this might be the slight shift they need to catch F.C. Bayern.

Gerrard: Segway 2.0

The press has played Rafa Benitez like a guitarra rítmica. It has been opined quite openly by the notoriously grounded English press that the god like figure of Steven Gerrard has had an uncharacteristic poor run of form recently. The fact that it has coincided with the absence of Xabi Alonso is purely coincidental. As Gerrard’s contribution has fallen, calls for Rafa’s rotation policy to affect the man, many think cast Lucifer from heaven, have increased within the media and even with fans.

So this weekend, when Steven Gerrard was once again having a poor game, this time against Merseyside rival Everton, Rafael Benitez bit and subbed off the captain. It was a smart move as Rafa was reacting to the Mikel Arteta’s domination of the right side of Liverpool’s midfield by bringing on freshly awoken Ryan Babel to stretch Everton’s commitment on the left. With Gerrard’s tendency to ignore defending, Rafa’s choice to bring on Leiva Lucas, who would fill the holes when Riise and Babel went forward was a sound tactic. However, Rafa forgot that Gerrard created the world in six days, and has been basically been resting since. Well at least since the brilliant 15 minute spell in Istanbul. He occasionally falls over in the box or kicks Andorra’s ass, but he’s more over-hyped than the Segway. To be fair, the Segway won’t fall over in a breeze.

Rafa allowed himself to be bullied into the move by the press, so they would have a controversy to write about. By spouting the truth about Gerrard’s form, finally, they made it seem like Rafa would suffer no backlash if he sat Stevie G. Once he did, the typewriters began in earnest as hundreds of lard-asses around Britain creamed their collective panties. The press for their part are absolutely delighted at having pulled off this coup. As Peter Ashely of the Independent said, “Its like when you get you’re girlfriend to consent to a three-way. You’re actually more excited about closing the deal than the act. We totally made Rafa go down on the hot girl from work.”

Stories now abound about Rafa’s decision, his relationship with the erstwhile Captain and his tenure. It’s a big coup for the press, which has suffered the embarrassment of Jol’s continued employment in the N17.

A Collective Effort

The hopes of fourth place have been replaced by the hope of survival, as Tottenham have officially entered the relegation race. The reason they are there is quite simply, the team is awful. From the board on down, almost everybody had contributed to the downfall.

While it’s easy to place the blame on one person, it’s really a collective effort. So, here is a rundown on the most visible parties of the organization and what should be done with them.

Paul Robinson
Fatty McFat Fat. Unable to handle crosses, set pieces, shots from distance. Parries anything he can get hold of in front of his net. He provides no security to the back line and no guidance. In a nut-shell, he is more useless than an appendix.

Decision: Drop him off at the nearest McDonald’s and hope he can’t find his way back to the Lane.

Radek Cerny
He’s looked serviceable when we have seen him, but he’s no #1.

Decision: Caretaker until January.

Pascal Chimbonda
Chimbonda has skill. The issue is that he only prefers to use it eight times a year, when he is facing off against one of the big four. With Spurs pathetic record against the big boys, this might seem a good thing, but it doesn’t compensate for the dreary and uninterested performances the other 30 days during the campaign.

Decision: Sell him, while you can make a profit.

Michael Dawson
Any defender who only prospers when attached to a stronger defender is actually quite worthless. Michael Dawson is a phenomenal player with King, but and average to less-than-average defender when King is oft injured. His positioning and confidence rely too heavily on the input of the captain. As the senior defender, he has brought little authority and confidence to the team. His height has led to little in the way of security on set pieces and even less as set piece options for Tottenham on the attack. In the long run, he is just an average hard-working player.

Decision: Dawson would be an exceptional backup, if he is willing to accept the role. Otherwise, off to the Championship.

Ledley King
People often speak of Berbatov as our one truly world-class player. King’s consistent injuries over the past two years have made them forget that King’s probably the most gifted player to put on a Spurs’ jersey since Gazza. (and yes that includes Jurgen and Ginola).

Decision: If he returns soon and can stay healthy, a gerbil could manage this team to the top half of the table.

Younes Kaboul
He’s young and learning the league, but damn if he doesn’t look like he will be one the league’s top defender in two or three years. His positioning is rather poor at the moment, but that can be taught. Throwing him into the fire might turn out to be helpful in the long term, but he does have faults at the moment and playing alongside Dawson won’t sort them out.

Decision: One for the future, but shaky at the moment. Might be a potential DM.

Anthony Gardner
Gardner’s an accident waiting to happen. He has been able to make if games without it costing the team, but he’s a Championship player.

Decision: If we could we would have sold him ages ago. So he is a squad player until his contract runs out.

Ricardo Rocha
The jury is still out. He isn’t adapting to the English game very well, and he seems average at best.

Decision: Not good enough. Sell him back to a Portuguese side since we can’t get rid of Gardner.

Young Pyo-Lee
He is a decent left back. Get’s forward well, but is way too reliant on his right foot, which opponents know. He’s fairly solid defensively, although he does have an occasional howler at the back.

Decision: It depends on Bale. If we leave him in the midfield, then Lee will continue to be a number one. If Bale becomes our LB, then Lee should be sold while he still has value.

Tom Huddlestone
Gifted with sublime passing and world-class vision, he is hampered by a lack of speed. He’s not one to get stuck in, which means he will never be able to be a pure defensive midfielder. But he has shown himself to be a competent player with loads of potential.

Decision: Is suited for a five man mid-field, especially if bookended by a strong DM and #10. I personally, think there might be a case for building such a system, but that will depend on the next manager. For now, keep him and play him, but don’t call him a DM.

Didier Zokora
On a rare occasion, he will have a good game. On a rare occasion, I can sleep with Jessica Alba. When he isn’t having a good game, he drags down the team like nobody else. Whoever pairs with him, ends up covering for his lack of positional clarity. He is neither a defensive mid, a holding mid, a box-to-box mid nor an attacking mid. He has no final pass and, to overuse a bad comparison, I will score with the aforementioned Alba before he does with Spurs. He is in short appalling. And he is the benchmark, from which all criticism of Damien Comolli is born. He was supposed to be better than Carrick and he isn’t better than Dean Marney. But all is not lost with him. He might be a decent right back, because he can make a decent run and he is capable of a tackle. I am serious.

Decision: Give him a new position.

Kevin-Prince Boateng
One game against the Cypriots and it was poor by all accounts. Still, it’s one game and with his brother becoming a revelation at Hamburg and K-Prince being more highly touted, it’s time to give him a starting position and let him get used to the league.

Decision: Should be starting NOW!

Teemu Tianio
He is a fierce competitor and decent squad player. He is often injured but he is Tottenham through and through.

Decision: Squad player. Not a starter.

Aaron Lennon
It is absolutely impossible to assess Aaron Lennon. He hasn’t been played in his natural position for an entire game in so long; one would think he’s a left-sided midfielder. He is being wasted by Jol.

Decision: Let’s try him on the right. He might do okay.

Gareth Bale
He is the only brightness in the gloom that surrounds this squad.

Decision: All that and a bag of chips. Leave him in the midfield.

Adel Taraabt
They won’t play him, even though he has been shown to be useful. Rather than play him on the left, Jol would rather play an unfit Tianio or out-of-position Lennon. It’s starting to look as if he is a pawn in the rift between Jol and Comolli.

Decision: Should be on the bench for every game as a late game option.

Jermaine Jenas
He is absolutely awesome against Derby. That’s it, and that’s a problem. He is always absent against good teams. He is a tireless runner, but he’s a poor fit for the team and we are all tired of his automatic, but underserved spot in the starting XI.

Decision: Time to sell him.

Steed Malbranque
He too is a tireless worker and does well against Derby. However, he can be a positive force in a game and has never been allowed to play his natural position.

Decision: Since K-Prince won’t be given the CM role like I am demanding, Steed needs to be played in Jenas’ place.

Dimitar Berbatov
Uninterested. And I understand. Everyone talks about the effect of four strikers on Defoe, but it’s been worse for Mitko. He is one of the best players in England and he is subbed every game. He is a man to build a team around, not a 60 minute player.

Decision: Either build the team around him or sell him. As a football fan, I would rather see him happy somewhere else, gracing the league with his elegance, than watch this club squander his potential.

Robbie Keane
What can you say about a man on such a pathetic team, whose only pitfall is his constant bitching to the referees? He is also willing to do whatever is asked of him and would make the perfect third striker.

Decision: Untouchable.

Darren Bent
He hasn’t been given a proper chance. He may well get it when Defoe and Berbatov leave.

Decision: He will be a good buy, just not a cost-effective one.

Jermain Defoe
He is the only player that is being properly deployed by Martin Jol as he is absolutely pot. Sure he scores occasionally. His ratio of goals to SOG is horrendous.

Decision: Why hasn’t he already been sold?

Martin Jol
First he lost the board; then he lost the smart supporters; then he lost the club house; now he has lost the other supporters. Can’t manage the players or tactics and this team is soft.

Decision: If he loves the team, the way he claims, he would walk away.

Chris Hughton
He is a legendary player, and a legendary poor coach. Hell, not one person can tell you what he does. Is accountable for the poor conditioning of the team, their lack of shape and provides no tactical input to Jol.

Decision: Needs to go.

Damien Comolli
Look at the team. He bought most of it. Judge him appropriately.

Decision: The biggest problem with the club. His poor judge of talent and undermining of Jol are the main source for this season’s implosion. Hopefully the fans will start demanding his head. Otherwise he will drag us down.

Daniel Levy
He botched the Juande Ramos situation, but he was right. He has put money into the team and truly cares about the team. He may eventually sell, but that does not conflict with making this team great.

Decision: Needs to give up on the Director of Football, but otherwise my respect for him, which dipped during the Ramos fiasco, is back to where it was.

One More Barkeep

Anyone watching the Red Sox finish off Cleveland in the American League Championship Series last night might have caught the camera focusing on New England Revolution's Taylor Twellman. He was enjoying a frosty cold one as the Red Sox turned over a 3-1 deficit to a team that desperately wants to be the new Cubs.

I have always wondered why Twellman wrapped his wrist. And I have also equally wondered how I might limit the impact of carpal tunnel due to 12 ounce curls. It all came together last night thanks to the New England hitman. I have yet to figure out how to rub one out with this damn bandage on, so if anyone has his e-mail, I would appreciate it if they could pass it along.

I usually don't give "proof of God" arguments, but the fact that Tim McCarver didn't know who Twellman was and all footie fans were spared an eighteen minute diatribe on how baseball's world popularity is growing, by a man who couldn't win "Are You Smarter Than A Box of Hair" let alone beat a 5th grader, may well be proof that there is a higher being.

Jesus is the New Joorabchian

Chelsea’s hopes of landing World Player of the Year Kaka took a big hit today, when it was revealed that the Brazilian midfielder is owned by a third party. Unless Milan buy out the infamous South American talent scout Jesus, the F.A. has said it will block any attempts by Roman Abramovich to bring the player to Stamford Bridge.

It's the second blow in as many days for Chelsea, as their other target, Kaka's international teammate Ronaldinho, is said to be owned by the refreshing taste of cold Coors' Light.

Koreans Fear Black Stompy

Moustapha Salifou is set to obtain his work permit. He has been labeled the “Togolese Zidane”, but not necessarily for his playing style. Last month, while awaiting the work permit to be finalized after being signed in the 11^th hour of the transfer window, he traveled to Italy. There he went to Marco Materazzi’s home and head-butter that fucking punk right in his chest. It was a preemptive strike by the ex-stalwart of both the 2^nd divisions of France and German. “He will not speak in such ways of my sister,” Moustapha proclaimed proudly. Oddly, he has only brothers. Koreans everywhere are petitioning FIFA, to preemptively suspend the man they call “black stompy”.

^{Salifou facing off with Ludovic Magnin, the "Swiss Zidane", named so due to his lack of hair.}

Fellow countryman Emmanuel Adebayor, who himself is considered the Togolese Henry for his pouting and posturing and his desperation to leave the Emirates, has tipped Salifou to make a massive impact at Villa Park. He said in an interview:

'He's a very good player with a lot of quality I can see the Zidane comparison because he can keep the ball, he can dribble, he can do anything he wants with the ball. He's not that fast but he's an amazing footballer. When I heard he'd signed for Aston Villa, I was very happy for him and I hope he'll play soon and show the English public what good players Africa, and Togo particularly, can produce. I can't wait to see him playing in England and I don't think it'll be long he should be around the team soon and I wish him all the best.'

The 24 year old joined Villa for a nominal fee, after tearing up the mighty second division of Swiss football while at FC Wil. He performed well in last year’s World Cup, which got him noticed by approximately one club. The attacking midfielder will be slowly employed by Martin O’Neill, and may even find himself playing right back, to get accustomed to the league. The feeling is that if he works out, he will be a revelation for the little that was paid. How this differs from any other non-European player who is bought by a Premier League team has yet to be determined.

In other news Eric Djemba-Djemba has called the major papers in England, in addition to the Sun, to ask that Salifou not be labeled the “Togolese Djemba-Djemba”, when he turns out to be shittier than shit.

Yeah, Me Too Fabio

ESPN's Jon Carter is miffed that nobody has read his newest opinion piece on Soccernet, which discusses the shortlist for World Player of the Year, last won by Fabio Cannavaro (he's to the right). A detailed study by the IT department at ESPN has found that after seeing the picture of Cannavaro with Monica Bellucci, who presented the Italian defender with the award at last year's ceremony, which was used to promote the piece, most respondents did not click the link for the story. 98% of readers went to Google. Of those who went to Google, the break down of search terms was found to be:

Bellucci: 25%
Tits: 33.2%
Bellucci, tits: 8.8%
Bellucci, awesome, tits: 3.4%
Bellucci, naked: 19.3%
Bellucci, beastiality: 2%
That hot fucking chick from the Matrix: 4.5%
That hot fucking chick from the Matrix, tits: 2.2%
Growing watermelons: .4%
Cannavaro: .2%

Squadagrams: Tottenham Hotspur

Gaffer - Martin Jol: Morn A Jilt

Starting IX:
GK - Paul Robinson: Pain Lobs Upon
RB - Pascal Chimbond: Lob In Madcap Cash
CB - Ledley King: Deny Leg Ilk
CB - Michael Dawson: I, Ashamed Clown
LB - Lee Young Pyo: Elope Yon Guy!
RM - Aaron Lennon: No! Ran on Lane?
CM - Didier Zakora: A Kiddie Razor?
CM - Jermaine Jenas: A Ninja Jeers Me
LM - Gareth Bale: The Able Rag
FW - Dimitar Berbatov: Bomb! Artier Davit
FW - Robbie Keane: I Bee on Break

Bench -
Tom Huddlestone: Stout Demon. Held!
Adel Taraabt: Ad A Brat, Late
Younes Kaboul: So U A Bulky One
Radek Cerny: Dear Ken Cry
Jermain Defoe: Rejoin! Defame!

Crestfallen: NASL Badge Table

25. Tampa Bay Rowdies


Is Chester the Molester running towards or away from the ball. I know how Jim Rome would answer.


24. Oakland Stompers

This looks like a stool sample.

23. Dallas Tornado



This thing is garish with a "ga".

22. Atlanta Chiefs


Sure, it was genocide. Sure, we stole your land. But hey, we won’t mock your culture. Now have some fire water.

21. Memphis Rogues


A rogue elephant is a wild and vicious animal that is separated from the herd and known to rape rhinoceroses. It is truly the redneck of pachyderms.

20. Miami Toros



I don’t know why this makes me think of another 70’s Spanish speaking icon named Charro. Coochie-coochie!


19. Detroit Express



I loved Speed Buggy, too. It was Roger-Dodger! All the thrills of Scooby Doo, but Fred is a white Indian, Shaggy’s not a smack addict and Daphne isn’t saddled with a know-it-all cock-block, who says “Jinkies!”.

18. Minnesota Kicks



I unpacked "hideous" first.
Reached in and found the word "worst".
Then I picked "sappy" and
Next I picked "crappy" and
Then I was ready to tell them my tale.
‘Cause I'd unpacked my adjectives.

17. San Diego Sockers



VP: Hey we need a model for our logo.
CEO: My cousin Joe could use the work.
VP: Is he the ginger with fankles?
CEO: You're fired.

16. Houston Hurricane



I don't know whether to be shocked or impressed. Kokopelli is blowing himself.

15. Philadelphia Fury



Which of the STD's makes your balls just feel like they are on fire? I've had so many it's hard to remember.

14. Tulsa Roughnecks



The failing oil economy of the southwest at that time, led to many such “rough necks” hanging out on street corners or public rest stops, waiting for curious married men. This was all pre-Craigslist, after all.

13. California Surf



Notice how the surf forms a “C”. That stands for crundle, which was the area that ached after I viewed this shitty logo.

12. Vancouver Whitecaps



It’s like they were in competition with the Surf for being the most potent craprodisiac ever.

11. Rochester Lancers



But the both lost. Next time Surf and ‘Caps, you should stick to colors from the vomit palette if you want to win.

10. Washington Diplomats



Come let's mix where Rockefellers
walk with sticks or um-ber-ellas
in their mitts
Puttin' on the Dips

9. Portland Timbers



Environmentalism didn’t kill the Northwest paper industry. It was the inefficient usage of Medievel Double Bit War Axes to chop down trees. Even Bugs knows that a saw is better better. Silly Wabbit.

8. Seattle Sounders



I have a sinking feeling that the designers couldn’t be bothered.

7. San Jose Earthquakes



Yea, natural disaster is fun. Lets all celebrate the mass catastrophe awaiting us.

6. Fort Lauderdale Strikers



Too bad they didn’t have any.

5. New England Tea Men



Tea Men? Really? Had to be that last time they mounted an Eleanor or touched a Beaver.

4. Chicago Sting



This is, quite literally, named after the Paul Newman movie. Frankenhooker, owner Lee Stern’s current favorite movie, wasn’t out yet. Damn shame.

3. Toronto Blizzard



The exaggerated Z’s in this little emblem are dead on. Put me right to sleep.

2. New York Cosmos



The ‘mo part is accurate. We’ll give it lots of swirls. Kick Football Goals!


1. Los Angeles Aztecs



Okay, gotta admit that this is actually really good. And if you’re trying to strike fear into an opponent, can’t beat invoking the image of a people that liked to drink them some blood and eat them a heart or two.

Special Thanks to Keith Reedy. This was for you Nuggets.

Narco Van Basten

While the World Health Organization warns of a worrying pandemic of prejudice against people with disease, we were witness to a brazen sample of what is to come for people with anything from Hansen’s to Crohn's to HIV. Marco Van Basten proved that sickness prejudice is still the norm in football when he benched Ryan Babel against Romania.

Ryan Babel is the young Liverpool winger who was self-diagnosed with Trypanosoma. The African Sleeping Sickness has cost Babel much, including his dignity. After arriving late for training multiple sessions during this international break due to the condition, which is rare in people who have never been to Africa and have never come into contact with a Tsetse fly, he was demoted to the bench by the insensitive Van Basten.

While teammate Wesley Sneijder described his chancre, the distinctive bite, as pimple-like, all of his Dutch teammates are resolute in their support of the young player who is expected to die within months of the rare disorder. His hypersomnolence has united a team, once known for its in-fighting and squabbling, against their prejudice coach, whom they now refer to as "Narco" Van Basten.

In the meantime, with nothing better to do, Rafael Benitez has complained vociferously about the treatment of his players by Tsetse flies and wonders why England doesn’t have plan of action against the deadly disease like Spain.

No Smoke And Mirrors Here

So how is Karlsruhe doing it? Their win against Stuttgart, while surprising, was in the long run a derby game, and in retrospect Stuttgart is pot anyway. But when Karlsruhe waltzed into Veltins and walked away with a 2-0 win against a team that hadn’t lost this year, Karlsruhe was officially “for real”.

Studying this weekend’s game in Gelsenkirchen, there is only one reason for Karlsruhe’s current ascendancy; however, there are a few items to dismiss first. They could be construed as causation, when they are in fact, systematic of something else entirely.

The first is injuries: in this case to the opposing teams. While Karlsruhe has led a relatively healthy campaign so far, Schalke has not been so fortunate. They were missing two of their stalwart defenders in Christian Pander and Mladen Krstajic. While Heiko Westermann did a reasonable good job partnering Bordon in Krstajic’s stead, it was easy to see that Bordon felt less liberated in moving forward without the excellent man-marker Krstajic to hold the fort. And Westermann got caught in no-man’s land on the second goal. Meanwhile, 19 year-old Benedikt Howedes was a little shakier in Pander’s place, but Karlsruhe’s manager Edmund Becker failed to take advantage of this and attacked Schalke’s left much less than he should have.

Poor calls definitely hurt Schalke in this game. Kevin Kuranyi was whistled incorrectly for offside on three occasions. The first would have provided a lead. The second would have provided an equalizer or cushion, depending on how you might read the game as having proceeded after the first goal. This was huge and definitely cost Schalke the game, but it does not explain Karlsruhe’s season, as they don’t get “every” call.

Tactics turned the game quite significantly, but more against Mirko Slomka than for Becker. Slomka made a slew of tactical decisions that hurt the Royal Blues chances in this game, but they are endemic of the season. It was just that Karlsruhe was the first to take full advantage of the mistakes.

First, Slomka insists on playing without width. He employed four central midfielders in his lineup. And while Jermaine Jones is willing to slot wide on the right on a few occasions, Zlatan Bajramovic has no idea where the touch line on the left is to be found. The only width that Schalke typically employs is from their backs or when Asamoah or Kuranyi wander out wide. But the entire system is built around Kuranyi expertise in the air, so taking him out of the box while Jones and Bajramovic wander aimlessly is inept. Slomka did see the mistake and rightly brought Özil on at the beginning of the second half, and that is just when Kuranyi became dangerous and the aforementioned linesman’s shenanigan’s started.

Slomka’s second tactical error was the removal of Asamoah for Lovenkrands. This actually worked in the Ligapokal meeting between the two sides that went Schalke’s way. But back then Kuranyi had played deep rather than forward. In this game, up until the substitution there was a stalemate in the midfield, even though Schalke was playing narrow. Hajnal, KSC’s midfield general, was totally absent from the game for the first 60 minutes of the game. Porcello was inauspicious as well. But Lovenkrands is a forward, while Asamoah is a forward disguised as a midfield, who likes to come back for the ball and hold. With Asamoah, Schalke overpowered Karlsruhe, clogged channels and negated their effectiveness (their width problems negated their own). When the Dane came on, the five-man midfield became a four-man mid and channels opened up quickly. Timms was free on the right within four minutes of the change.

But these point to what hurt Schalke, not why Karlruhe is a contender. The problem with all of these is that they leave out Karlsruhe’s strength, that which has made them impossible to beat on the road and put them second in the table. And it stands in direct contrast to what they were expected to do coming up this year as a high-scoring second division team. We expected that they would push teams with tempo, but what they are doing is stifling them with a stellar defense. They have given up 12 goals this season, but four of them were to FC Bayern and three were away to Bayer 04. Otherwise they have three clean sheets, and Millar has looked rock-solid between the sticks. The central pairing of Eichner and Franz is superb and the backs of Eggimann and Gorlitz defend first. Eggimann, in particular, does not seem one to escape the attention of bigger clubs for long. Yes, tiny Karlsruhe with its record breaking offense in Zwei last year is one of the most competent defensive units in the Bundesliga. That’s how they are doing it. No smoke and mirrors. Good old fashion defending.

Xiego, Diabi, Xiabo?

Xabi Alonso employs an array of deceitful tactics to spare the feelings of friend Mikel Arteta. Both boys grew up on the same street of San Sebastian in Euskadi and now reside next to one another in Liverpool, England. While Xabi has been a fixture of the Spanish national team for years, Arteta has long been overlooked by manager Luis Aragones, even though he has been highly successful and currently is on the best form of his career.

Xabi went so far as to fake an injury that rules him out of the upcoming fixtures against Denmark in Group F qualification for Euro 2008 and Finland in a friendly. The hope was that his good friend would be seen as a replacement, just as Arteta was seen by Real Sociedad as a replacement for the deep-lying playmaker when he moved to Anfield in 2004. Little did they expect that Luis Aragones owes Quique Flores Sanchez a lot of money, for some pictures Flores has of Aragones in a compromising position with a black woman.

This isn’t the first time that Xabi Alonso has tried subterfuge regarding the Red Fury team and his amigo Arteta. He has often asked his brother Mikel, now at Bolton Wanderers, to wear a dark wig on game days and make himself seen by Arteta when the latter takes out the trash. He even went so far as to pay Brazilian Diego, from Werder Bremen, a handsome sum to shave and do the same, when his brother’s wig fell off and the scheme was discovered by Arteta.

Unfortunately the similarity to the Brazilian playmaker led Aragones to the same idea. And the Spanish gaffer has invited Diego to camp for the upcoming games. Since nobody on the Spanish team talks anyone else due to regional tensions, it is expected the Xiego plan will go off without a hitch.

The Table Never Lies (10/9)

1. Arsenal
Pundits universally espouse their own genius in not writing off Arsenal in the off-season. Somewhere there is that one guy who wrote 50,000 articles this summer being discredited for such ridiculousness.

2. Manchester United
Six clean sheets. What’s more amazing is that they have done this with shit defenders. Impressive!

3. Manchester City
Micah Richards wants to play for Arsenal. Not to worry Citeh fans, he’s English.

4. Liverpool
The first signs of a sinking ship? Ayesteran leaves. The rotation policy angers fans and players. Now Riise is so desperate to leave he is considering Villa. Ouch.

5. Portsmouth
You’re damn right Benjani has a point to make.

6. Blackburn
Rovers fans cry as the truth hits home: There is no Santa!

7. Chelsea
A Russian mobster and a perverted porn mogul winger have taught us all one thing: First you gets de money, den you gets de bitches.

8. Aston Villa
Martin, Martin! Did you see Senderos’ bumbling lumbering goal? He could be your next forward.

9. Newcastle
Michael Owen will go to any length to preserve his England spot. Expect him return from the international break with a break.

10. Everton
Shay Given is now as a prolific scorer as Yakubu for the Toffies.

11. West Ham
Could Dean Ashton be any more perfect as the replacement for Michael Owen? He’s perpetually injured.

12. Reading
Coppell admits he may have made a mistake by not bolstering his squad in the off-season. Coppell also admits that water is wet.

13. Birmingham
Steve Bruce expects the axe from Carson Yeung, Having been bored to death by his squad, like the rest of us, he has begged the Hong Kong businessman to do it sooner rather than later.

14. Wigan
The F.A. is so sick of the big teams bullying the referees that they made Wigan pay.

15. Middlesbrough
Going down faster than low-self esteem girl at a frat party.

16. Sunderland
Jones, Bale and Walcott. How did Southampton avoid promotion?

17. Tottenham
It looks like if they are willing to get rid of Comolli, they could get the legendary Klinsmann. Does anyone doubt they will make the wrong choice here?

18. Fulham
They will be lucky to Bairdly escape the drop.

19. Bolton
Sammy Lee is still employed and, at this point, completely baffled. He went so far as to drop player/coach Gary Speed and Big Sam’s captain Kevin Nolan. But still, he can’t get the vacation he so desperately wants.

20. Derby
Steve Coppell says, “Good for what ails ya!”

Cerny's New Hobby: Suicidal Ideation

Radek Cerny has decided to hang up his boots. The former Czech U21 keeper, who is now the country’s #2 behind Petr Cech, has concluded that he must be the world’s worst goal keeper. The subsequent depression and self-loathing has made him suicidal, on good days. In 2005, he joined Tottenham Hotspur on an 18 month loan spell from Slavia Prague, which was recently extended for a year, and things looked rosy. But his time in London has stripped him of all hope, much like Spurs supporters, and he sees no reason to continue playing. He plans on retiring imminently to follow his new dream of spiraling out of control on booze and drugs until he dies alone and forgotten.

He sits behind Paul Robinson, the England #1, in the pecking order at White Hart Lane. Cerny doesn’t have enough confidence from Martin Jol to warrant time on the pitch, no matter how putrid Robinson’s form or the opposing team is. While it is well-known that Robinson is the worst keeper ever to play at the top level of English football, he is still better than Cerny.

What makes Robinson so bad? Paul Robinson has a clawfoot, which makes coming out impossible, subsequently the team is squalid against crosses and set pieces. If this weren’t enough, Robinson also suffers from a slew of illness/conditions that should omit him from a starting role for any club, let alone a rich one. These conditions include: myopia, which inhibits his ability to see the ball unless it hits him in the face; social anxiety disorder leading to selective mutism, which causes him to be incapable of communicating with his back line; metabolic syndrome that has caused massive obesity and the inability to move; and, congenital radial club hands which make holding a football all but impossible. Yet despite all of these conditions, Radek Cerny’s few turns with the first team were after Robinson grew too large to even crane him out of his window at home. After emergency liposuction, during these incidents, Robinson has immediately been wheeled back into the starting lineup.

“I used to think they feel sorry for Paul,” said Radek when we caught up to him, “now I see that my pathos enable him and staff. It is time to right ship.” He added, “I’m like the guy who is eviler than Satan, but because one can’t imagine evil beyond Satan, that guy is forgotten. I’m him, only replace evil with shitty keeping and Satan with Robbo.” Cerny then took the first sip on his road to blissful alcoholism.

Champions League is for Suckers; English, Italian and Spanish Suckers!

Germany embraces the UEFA Cup. With Bayern Munich playing in Europe’s 2^nd tournament for the first time in a decade, the rest of Germany is trying to keep up with the country’s biggest club. That includes Werder Bremen, Schalke 04 and Stuttgart, who are currently in the Champions League.

The going has been tough for the three Champions League teams. Werder Bremen and Stuttgart find themselves in 4^th in their respective groups, having failed to secure draws this past week to secure the coveted 3^rd spot, a position that drops teams into the UEFA Cup Round of 32. Schalke currently find themselves in 3^rd spot, but questions at Chelsea following the dismissal of Jose Mourinho and Valencia’s inability to finish, leave the current second place team in the Bundesliga in a dubious position. A positive result in either of the upcoming fixtures with Chelsea could see the Gelsenkirchen side slip into second place.

It wasn’t like manager Mirko Slomka didn’t try. He employed a midfield with no width against Rosenborg, who dominated the midfield, but his team unfortunately countered for two goals. Werder Bremen’s Thomas Schaaf will be disappointed with his team’s loss to Olympiakos. The goal they so desperately wanted to concede after dominating possession by over 60% during the match, escalated into two others quickly, meaning they need to win one of the games approaching with Lazio to move up one space. Stuttgart have to hope they are less sucktacular than Lyon to secure third.

Meanwhile in the actual competition, Leverkusen, FC Bayern, Hamburg and even lowly Nurnberg made it to the group stages. Leverkusen gave away two early goals which seemed to jeopardize their chances, but pulled through at Uniao Leiria. Nurnberg used the away goals rule to get by Rapid Bucharest. Hamburg demolished a Lycra/Spandex blend from Bulgaria, while Bayern made short work of another Portuguese side. All four will find their group pairings this coming Tuesday.

If things go according to plan, the Bundesliga could see seven teams through to the quarterfinals of the competition, which is now being called “das Ligapokal Zwei” colloquially in Germany. It would undoubtedly give Germany a half-decent chance of capturing its first UEFA Cup since Bayern and Schalke’s double of 95/96 and 96/97. The closest the Bundesliga have come since was Borussia Dortmund’s loss in Rotterdam to Feyenoord in 2002. It was a tragedy, really, as Dortmund awaited the return leg only to find out the competition had changed to a one-leg final three years prior.

Why Dida You Not Hurt Him?

Milan fans are outraged at the incident involving their Brazilian keeper Dida on Wednesday at Celtic Park. In a Champion’s League group match between the reigning European Champions and the Scottish giants, a supporter of the Bhoys ran onto the pitch during the celebration of Scott McDonald's game-winning goal and struck A.C. Milan’s stick-minder. Dida had to be stretched off and the fan was arrested and subsequently banned for life from the club. The Scottish champions await a ruling by UEFA on their penalty for poor stewarding.

What has angered Milan fans, apart from Dida’s play acting after the incident, is the fact that the Scottish fan completely missed the target. “For a second”, said fan Giovanni Emannuel, “I thought that Dida had been severely injured and I was very, very happy. Then I realize that Dida is just acting and I was very, very sad. Why the fan no take out Dida?” It is a sentiment that has resounded with the Rossoneri faithful, who loathe the mistake-prone keeper, who many blame for il Diavolo’s terrible start to the season. “I thought these Scottish fans were tough,” said Guiseppi Oddo, “but he hit Dida like a five-year old girl. Even a six-year old girl would have been enough for Dida. Pathetic!” One fan even invoked a curse on Celtic fans, only to be broken if Dida’s nose is also.

On the upside, Milan’s tenuous status in the world’s premier club competition, after such a shaky start, is bound to improve. UEFA, who are scared to death of Milan’s possible failure, will now do what Carlo Ancelotti’s side was unable to do and take the points from Celtic. And they won’t even need a dodgy penalty.

At Least He Doesn't Quofe

Juan Pablo Angel of the New York Red Bulls was named one of the 10 sexiest Latinos by People en Español. He is the first person to ever grace the prestigious People’s list with a stylish uni-brow giving hope to all people with remnants of Neanderthal genetics in their makeup.

But what is more surprising is the list of physical and emotional attributes, often considered undesirable by women, that each of the other nine men on the list had. It is rather refreshing in this day of infatuation with the aesthetic to see People taking an honest look at men and judging them attractive despite their unseemly features.

When you look at the other nine of People’s list, and their faults, you might find it quite easy to see why Angel’s uni-brow is the least unseemly.

1) Jamie Camil, star of La fea más bell, has back hair. And when I say back hair, I don’t mean some strands that might be unsightly at the beach. Let me take you back to the first time you read the Bible and came across John the Baptist and his hair coat. Did you wonder what was meant by “hair coat”? Camil’s lovers don’t.

2) Alejandro Fernandez, the Mexican singing star, has chronic halitosis. Many of his closest friends claim that it’s like a skunk both shit and sprayed in his mouth. The hideous smell has led to a distinct lack of duets and has seared the eyebrows off many who dare pass his aromatrauma zone.

3) Fernando Colunga, the serial star, has a vitiligo penis. The marble complexion has led many lovely señoritas to be mesmerized by its undulation. “It’s like watching a lava lamp” said one woman who ran screaming from his private abode after he suggested that she do more with his marble penis than stare at it.

4) Singing sensation Francisco Elizalde, known as El Chico, speaks only in the third person, using only the aforementioned nickname. It is especially noticeable as he likes to talk during sex and doesn’t like to learn names. It has been reported that his dirty talk sounds something like this: El Chico wants to make rough dirty love with El Chico’s girl. He would specially like to put El Chico’s retazo macizo in El Chico’s cusca’s ojete. Does El Chico’s joven like El Chico’s mecos on El Chico’s chica’s manchas? It’s not that he’s bad. It’s just exhausting.

5) Reggaeton superstar Yandel has a conjoint twin. Yes this might be a bit unnerving but not as unnerving as Yandel’s tendancy to talk and respond to Yandelito, as he has named his genetic anomaly, or dress it in matching clothing. He also likes to high-five Yandelito when he says something funny.

6) Amaury Nolasco, the Puerto Rican actor best know for his role in Prison Break, has man titties. They are not noticeable on the hit show due his use of gauze but when his acting career hadn't quite taken off he was able to make money as a dick-girl during the lean months.

7) Mexican actor Alex Sirvent cries after sex. And not in a “clean the pipes” kind of way that he could shake off as manly. No, he curls up in the fetal position and whimpers, calling out for his mother. This usually lasts for hours.

8) Argentine Saul Lisazo has a….well let’s just say “hurman” and leave it at that.

9) Mexican soap star José Ron is well known for his odd tendency to quofe. It is a rare phenomenon because it is fairy hard for air to become stuck in a man’s urethra, especially if he hasn’t had a catheter. Ron’s dick farts are uncontrollable and have a tendency to happen when he is nervous, which shocked many at the Latino Grammy’s.

Clint Dempsey’s Shitty Footballing Career is Impeding on His Shitty Rapping Career

The Texas native, who moved to Fulham last January, has come to regret his decision. The American international, who scored the goal that kept Fulham in the top division last year, is rethinking his move from the New England Revolution to the west London club because of the severe shortage of other wiggers in the cosmopolitan city.




Branded Deuce by himself for the resemblance of his playing style and rapping ability to steaming pile of crap, he has blamed the move for the drop in opportunities since his "Don't Tread on Me" commercial, that many overseas football fans were spared viewing, at last year’s World Cup. Once thanked by Eminem for making him feel talented, Deuce Dempsey has been forced to ply his trade in free-style rap-offs at his local London flat. His dream of making it as a wash-out in the music industry may soon surmount his dream of making it as wash-out in the SW6.