You A Glutton For Pain, But Hutton is Stayin'

For the third time this January, Alan Hutton is said to be contemplating and offer from Tottenham Hotspur. Having rejected the North London club twice already, it is assumed that he is searching for new and fresh ways to say no to Daniel Levy

Among his top choices

1) Using his well renowned Mr.T impression, he will announce to Levy on the BBC, “You a Glutton for Pain, but Hutton is Staying!”

2) As an amateur ventriloquist, Hutton has a racist doll he calls Mr. Wet Back, which he uses at local comedy hours. He will use this little tramp to reject Levy with his dandy catchphrase “Meeester Hutton no theeenks so!”

3) He will print up a shirt that read “I am Rangers’ Winston Bogarde” which he will flash to cameras when he scores against Hearts on Wednesday.

4) He will tell Levy that Steven Ireland's grandmother died and he has to go to the funeral. He will promise to give Levy a ring when he returns on the first.

5) He will point out in so uncertain terms that he would rather have unprotected sex with a homeless pre-op tranny.

6) He will state that much depends on the outcome of Super Tuesday and how many delegates he picks up in key states.

7) He will remind Levy that he could always take back chairmanship of Rangers if he wants to have the Scotsman as an employee.

8) He will Photoshop his face on the Rerun’s, Levy’s face on to Roger’s, Comolli’s face onto Dwayne’s and rework a downloaded JPEG of the 70’s show’s title to say “More Like, What’s Not Happening”

9) He will mumble “guy who isn’t signing me says ‘what’!” during their next phone call.

10) Two words: retraining order!

Recipe: Scouse Pie

Servings:
45,000+

Level of difficulty:
Hard in groups, soft one-on-one

Ingredients
1. Latent suppressed homosexuality
2. X-file level paranoia
3. Excessive binge drinking (can be replaced with drug addiction if alcohol not available)
4. A hint of wife-beating
5 A pinch of "Burden on Society"
6. Deluded sense of importance (should be sprinkled on copiously)
7. Lack of knowledge about anything (especially football)
8. Excessive history of violence
9. Belief that said history of violence is made up by the press, much like the Klan believes the Jewish media made up the holocaust.
10. Unintelligible accent
11. Hard on for communism
12. Body ink
13. Stolen hubcap
14. Unparalleled Xenophobia
15. Wine. Lots and lots of whine
16. Spanish Paprika
17. Short-crust pastry for the pie

Prep:
Season a dilapidated area of drug users and unemployed commie hate-mongers with a 10 year run of excellence in both violence and football with lots and lots of alcohol. Simmer. Tell the mix that its team is having problems on and off the field. Wait for the paranoia to bubble to the surface. Skim off the resulting death threat. Use stolen hubcap to spoon in a fluke night in Istanbul until roux believes itself to be significant in any way. Sing to it a stolen Manchester United hymn and wait for a gang of sodomites to find a group of women and children to harm. Sprinkle in excuses of how it was everybody else’s fault for the resulting mayhem to taste. Feel free to rotate ingredients as you see fit.

Spoon into pastry and wait for the calls to 606.

Cost:
Don't skimp on the recipe (spend small African nation GDP on it) but utilize dime-store ingredients

I Like the Pole and the Hole

The Sun is reporting that Manchester United’s superstar midfielder Christiano Ronaldo paid £400 to have sex with this Brazilian prostitute.



While both stomach-turning and blood-curdling, one has to wonder why a decent looking world famous millionaire would need to pay money to a woman who would be rejected as too ugly for a Zombie scene in any of the Resident Evil movies. Well, it has come to my attention that Brazil has a sex industry that rivals Thailand’s in terms of its odd and perverse nature. Click Here to see what I mean. And I promise that this is just a google search result and you will not be subjected to any graphics that the dandy winger would consider “the best of both worlds”.

The Table Never Lies (1/17)

1) Manchester United
Sure Ronaldo is good, but is he Alexandre Pato good?

2) Arsenal
Arsene Wenger has claimed that once a player leaves, he is gone for good. But Lehmann won't fold so easily.

3) Chelsea
Beletti wonders about the mythical space that one isn't allowed in the English game, as compared to the Spain.

4) Liverpool
Now that’s how you respond to all the critics: you embarrass a beleaguered third division relegation candidate at home that has been forced to sell five of its best players to avoid being closing shop. Good on ya!

5) Everton
Manuel Fernandes is back! Don't unpack, lad, as Ronald Koeman is a potential candidate if Moyes leaves.

6) Aston Villa
Jermain Defoe to Villa? Really? Has anyone noticed how big Defoe is? Martin O'Neill is to big strikers what Defoe is to bad haircuts.

7) Manchester City
Nery Castillo dislocates a shoulder in his second game. His new moniker is the Mexican Boijinov.

8) Blackburn
Mark Hughes' has written Carlos Alberto Parreira demanding an explanation as to why Benni McCarthy wasn't invited to the South African squad for the African Cup of Nations.

9) Portsmouth
Sol Campbell quit on the Kenwyne Jones to Richardson goal. Sol "quitting" would come to no surprise to either North London club.

10) West Ham
John Hartson is feeling quite lonely now that Dean Ashton has dropped 3 or 4 stones and bleached his scalp the color of his remaining hair.

11) Newcastle
Well much can be said of this past week, but here's your problem in a nutshell: Steven Taylor is both your best defender and your best keeper and he's not particularly good at either.

12) Tottenham Hotspur
Juande Ramos is concerned about how Spurs’ treble of cups will affect the team’s league form. Talk to us next Tuesday after the League semi, when Arsenal beats your new club for the Umpteenth time in a row.

13) Reading
Steve Coppell has claimed he won't be forced into panic buys this transfer window. With your defense Steve, your way beyond panic.

14) Middlesbrough
They could land Alfonso Alves from Heereenveen. AZ Alkmaar claims they have signed the Brazilian forward, after December talks with Heereenveen, even though no paperwork was completed or registered. Tottenham is pulling for AZ as their hope of Alan Hutton has new life.

15) Bolton
It had been claimed they have too much talent to be relegated. He left for Chelsea. You know the rest.

16) Birmingham City
Damien Jonhson received a gift basket and thank you card from Peter Cech this week. The note read "thanks for making me look less douchey".

17) Wigan
Considering his brief past with Hossam Ghaly, Steve Bruce must have seen Derby as a 11 on 10 situation.

18) Sunderland
Well so much for the old adage of “rapists can’t organize a defense”

19) Fulham
American Eddie Johnson is rumored to be moving to Craven Cottage. Let's just cut out the middle-man and make Fulham the eastern-most MLS club.

20) Derby County
Have actually made themselves significantly better in the January window. Now if Jewell can only get the cast gelled in time to catch Fulham.

We Need More Binge Drinkers!

Tottenham supporters are getting a cold dose of reality this transfer window. With the appointment of Juande Ramos as manager of the club, it was expected that the club would be molded in a similar fashion as clubs he has molded in the past: speedy, fit and technical with a little Latin flair.

Since Daniel Levy took of the chairmanship of the club, there has long been a policy of buy English first and ask questions later. Frank Arnesen left the club when he was informed that his scouting of the continent was strictly forbidden. Needing a Director of Football like all English clubs, Damien Comolli was then hired to steward the club, but was able to negotiate the right to view tapes from French Ligue 1 on the condition that he make ridiculous bids between overpaying for crappy British players.

This has led to the current situation where Tottenham are, as Derby County Chairman Adam Pearson stated, his club’s only rival for ineptitude. With the opening of the January window, which was the first with Juande Ramos at the helm, it was felt that players would be brought in to slowly adapt to his tactical system. Links to Spanish, Italian, Argentine, Brazilian and Portuguese players have been shown to be the imagination of the deluded and deranged.

Instead, Spurs signed a Welsh winger that nobody else was interested in. They also ignored Alan Hutton’s multiple rejections, to bid on the defenseless defender from Scotland, over and over. Meanwhile Comolli’s quota signing is Arsenal’s Lassana “not good enough for the B team” Diarra, who was last seen playing on some 12 year-old kid’s Football Manager game because he couldn’t sell him to Dag and Red.

And news is abound today that the pathetic North London club are about to finally get Englishman Stewart Downing after failing for the past three years for a whopping £12 million. Neither speedy, nor fit, nor technical, it seems that the list of things that one can count on need not be limited to taxes and death. Spurs splashing insane cash on mediocre binge drinking melanoma candidates should now rank just ahead of death (as science hopes to cure this one) but below Newcastle fans thinking their club is “big”.

The needs at centerhalf and in central midfield will have to wait until Comolli can finish his tour of the Conference North, where teams hope for a sighting of Daniel Levy even more than an away draw at Old Trafford in the F.A. Cup.

Letter to a Bat-Shit Nation

Dear Magpie,

Sorry about the type II diabetes, but it is possible to eat foods that aren’t fried.

I just wanted to send you a thank you. Earlier in the season, we Yids were embarrassed that our beloved gaffer was unceremoniously fired by management. We did not call for his head and stuck by him throughout his three year tenure until the very end. Yes, it was sad that we were in a relegation position at the time of Jol’s dismissal, but we felt that things would sort themselves out. Management didn’t agree. But that didn’t stop you or any other fan from making fun of us.

But you made it up in spades when you called for the head of Big sam, within weeks of the start of the season and finally got your way this week, when your chairman booted a proven manager who had your team three places higher than it was last year. And your reasons changed more than often than the pattern of grease on your shirt: he’s not attacking enough; he’s spent too much money; he’s not won us silverware; he’s not Alan Shearer.

And to show you really cared, you immediately thought Jose Mourinho was going to take over your club. Thanks for keeping it “anything but real” and making our harrowing start of the season seem like we have our act together.

You always claim to be a bigger club than Tottenham, and I can say after this display that you truly are: Bigger idiots.

Sincerely,
Yiddo

P.S. Please accept this bottle of Coca Cola as a gift. It’s not good for your obesity, but you’re going to be seeing it a lot more in the near future.

Bring Out the Gimp

Spurs have been rejected by Ranger’s RB Alan Hutton for a second time this week. Even though Ranger’s chief Sir David Murray had went to the lengths of packing the Scottish international’s bags, forwarding his mail and burning down his house, Hutton rejected the move south. While rumors persist that he is holding out for a direct move to Manchester United, rather than moving to their feeder club, comments by Juande Ramos have led many to believe that Hutton knew that the Spurs boss wasn’t sold on him and he saw the writing on the wall. Especially since that wall was his garage and the writing was “I Don’t Rate You – Wendy” written in sheep’s blood, thereupon.

So what does Damien Comolli do, now that the public humiliation of being turned down by player with little-to-no pedigree? He’s a proud man, with little intelligence and high self-esteem…..I mean French. He has two options.

The first is to go alpha-male and never accept no for an answer. This will mean Damien will need to slip Hutton a roofie and smuggle him over the border. Hutton will wake to his shirt on inside out, hemorrhoids and debilitating cases of shame, anger and helplessness. The press conference where Comolli introduces Hutton, who will be curled up in the fetal position, admonishing his new talisman, a rape whistle, will show the world that Damien always gets his man.

But this is not the path that his boss Daniel Levy prefers as it has come out that another target; Ajax’s Urby Emmanuelsen has rejected any move to Tottenham. Levy may have his faults, but he knows that the roofie trick can only be used once as there is a thing as too much sodomy.

Levy has suggested that the club set its sights on much bigger fish. Subsequently the rumors are flying that Tottenham have made audacious bids of £30 million for Barcelona’s Ronaldinho and a £20 million for Real Madrid’s Fabio Canavarro. The eventual rejections by these two former World Players of the Year will put the aforementioned rejection by rejects on the back pages. Fans and media will forget that two kids who can’t defend didn’t want to join the Spurs devolution, as they concentrate on the fact that two superstars didn’t want to put the nails on the coffins of their career in the N17.

The Table Never Lies (1/3)

1. Arsenal – If Adebayor scores, they win. It could be the reason the Mali F.A. is voted their most valuable player.

2. Manchester United – Sir Alex thinks the fans are docile. The fans think the stadium is a police state. I think the football was catatonic against Brum.

3. Chelsea – If wives and/or husbands went down as quickly as Michael Ballack, the divorce rate would be nowhere near 50%.

4. Manchester City – Rolando Bianchi and Samaras are set to leave. But Sven has Nery a worry at forward.

5. Liverpool – Want to see delusion at its highest? Football Rumors runs a daily message board dedicated to transfer rumors. Mostly it’s the Liverpool faithful confident of Kompany and van der Vaart when they can’t even afford the long distance charges. Being poor sucks.

6. Everton – I have figured out what Andrew Johnson’s goal celebrating “A” stands for – Absent!

7. Aston Villa – Are four center-halves the way to go?

8. Portsmouth – What exactly is the point of going into debt to build a new ground when your players are aching to go on the road?

9. Blackburn – Hughes is looking to sign Sofia Levski’s Valeri Domovchiyski, considered the new Berbatov. United is looking to tap him up in February.

10. West Ham – Curbishley is rumored to have a £40 million war chest. That can buy a lot of average, injury-prone players.

11. Newcastle – Is it possible to boo a God? Check back in a month for my new column “Shearered and Flayed”

12. Tottenham – To be honest, they are considered a cup team. By this time next week, who knows what they will be considered.

13. Reading – Dave Kitson has claimed that he could care less about the F.A. Cup. As a Spurs fan, he’s just guarding himself against the eventual bitter disappointment.

14. Bolton – Anelka admits to Chelsea interest. Wow that was out of left field.

15. Middlesbrough – Gareth Southgate has urged Alan Shearer to rule out an interest in the Newcastle job to ease the pressure on Sam Allardyce. Why? How long does anyone think Toothy McTooth will be employed when Big Sam is available?

16. Birmingham City – McLeish is set to dump five players in the January window. What about the other 23?

17. Wigan – Titus Bramble is quickly ruining the easiest joke in the business.

18. Sunderland – Linked with Robbie Savage. For heaven’s sake Roy, your only decent signings were the two guys that don’t have a United past. Cut the fucking cord!

19. Fulham – Offering Ray Hodgson £1 million to keep the legacy of Lawrie from going down? There’s a Lindsay Lohan joke here somewhere.

20. Derby – In deference to our friend Shakira, there will be no jokes regarding….oh fuck that….these guys stink worse than folds of a fat guy’s stomach after a vigorous walk.