The Table Never Lies (1/17)

1) Manchester United
Sure Ronaldo is good, but is he Alexandre Pato good?

2) Arsenal
Arsene Wenger has claimed that once a player leaves, he is gone for good. But Lehmann won't fold so easily.

3) Chelsea
Beletti wonders about the mythical space that one isn't allowed in the English game, as compared to the Spain.

4) Liverpool
Now that’s how you respond to all the critics: you embarrass a beleaguered third division relegation candidate at home that has been forced to sell five of its best players to avoid being closing shop. Good on ya!

5) Everton
Manuel Fernandes is back! Don't unpack, lad, as Ronald Koeman is a potential candidate if Moyes leaves.

6) Aston Villa
Jermain Defoe to Villa? Really? Has anyone noticed how big Defoe is? Martin O'Neill is to big strikers what Defoe is to bad haircuts.

7) Manchester City
Nery Castillo dislocates a shoulder in his second game. His new moniker is the Mexican Boijinov.

8) Blackburn
Mark Hughes' has written Carlos Alberto Parreira demanding an explanation as to why Benni McCarthy wasn't invited to the South African squad for the African Cup of Nations.

9) Portsmouth
Sol Campbell quit on the Kenwyne Jones to Richardson goal. Sol "quitting" would come to no surprise to either North London club.

10) West Ham
John Hartson is feeling quite lonely now that Dean Ashton has dropped 3 or 4 stones and bleached his scalp the color of his remaining hair.

11) Newcastle
Well much can be said of this past week, but here's your problem in a nutshell: Steven Taylor is both your best defender and your best keeper and he's not particularly good at either.

12) Tottenham Hotspur
Juande Ramos is concerned about how Spurs’ treble of cups will affect the team’s league form. Talk to us next Tuesday after the League semi, when Arsenal beats your new club for the Umpteenth time in a row.

13) Reading
Steve Coppell has claimed he won't be forced into panic buys this transfer window. With your defense Steve, your way beyond panic.

14) Middlesbrough
They could land Alfonso Alves from Heereenveen. AZ Alkmaar claims they have signed the Brazilian forward, after December talks with Heereenveen, even though no paperwork was completed or registered. Tottenham is pulling for AZ as their hope of Alan Hutton has new life.

15) Bolton
It had been claimed they have too much talent to be relegated. He left for Chelsea. You know the rest.

16) Birmingham City
Damien Jonhson received a gift basket and thank you card from Peter Cech this week. The note read "thanks for making me look less douchey".

17) Wigan
Considering his brief past with Hossam Ghaly, Steve Bruce must have seen Derby as a 11 on 10 situation.

18) Sunderland
Well so much for the old adage of “rapists can’t organize a defense”

19) Fulham
American Eddie Johnson is rumored to be moving to Craven Cottage. Let's just cut out the middle-man and make Fulham the eastern-most MLS club.

20) Derby County
Have actually made themselves significantly better in the January window. Now if Jewell can only get the cast gelled in time to catch Fulham.