10 Things We Have Learned During Copa America

1. Kasey Keller is older than dirt. It’s time to hang up the boots Kasey, because your reaction time can now be measured with a grandfather clock. And who thought it was a good idea to put the keeper from the worst team in Germany between the sticks. Mr. Bradley, I know you don’t face relegation in the Mickey League, but it is generally a bad thing. And I’ll tell you a phrase you never hear: If it wasn’t for the keeper they wouldn’t have gotten either point this season. Meanwhile, waiting in the wings were potential 2010 backups in Salt Lake’s Seitz, who is having a fantastic tournament in Canada and Chivas’ Guzman. For a squad that was about getting pressure time for young players, this was just plain stupid.
2. Brazil is the new superpower of bad-hair. Bo Derek is alive and well. She had some melanin injections and goes by the name of Anderson. The bad news is that she lost her famous breasts. The good news is that her funky cleavage is ne’er to be seen either. The other good news is that she finally learned to act, sorry simulate. But I will say this, Anderson translated the term Flat Back Four in a very unique way: Flat on Your Back Four the entire game. But as amusing as Anderson’s antics during the Copa have been, he’s not the only successor to Ronaldihno when it comes to funky-ass hair. Along with Manchester United’s next Kleberson there are Ze Roberto’s spiked 'fro, Vagner Love’s drunken white-girl on a cruise ship splurge with a Caribbean hairdresser and Diego’s immovable locks. Seriously, can anyone prove that is not a well sculped bike helmet? Also in the wings is U21 striker Ĵo’s, whose uncanny resemblance to Rick James (fight it, fight it) Bitch (apologies) will delight bald fans like me for years to come.
3. Chelsea paid 1 £ too much for Alex. It seems that the total of English research into this man-mountain’s abilities has been a header against Arsenal last year. And if you think he stopped any scoring in the game, remember Liverpool was the only team that couldn’t stop Arsenal from scoring last year. Watching him for any amount of time during this tournament, one might be inclined to confuse him with a striker. His defensive positioning is so poor and his tendency to drift up the field (when his feet aren’t stapled to the pitch) so constant that John Terry should be excused already for going Joey Barton on him.
4. Paraguay might be awesome with 11 men, but they suck donkey balls when their keeper is ejected in the 3rd minute. Sorry Paraguay, but good teams don’t need a keeper. Spurs finished 5th in the Prem without one for an entire season. Suck that with your Yerba Mate.
5. You can stay on the pitch for hours after being red carded and face no sanctions from FIFA. Columbia’s Robinson Zapata was shown red late in their final match and spent the next 62 minutes arguing with referee Manuel Andarcia, who subsequently added 3 minutes of extra time to make up for Zapata’s attempt at a good old fashioned filibuster. Columbia may not know much about playing football, but they do know their away around referee intimidation.
6. Sebastiean Abreu has cajones de acero. His chip shot penalty with the tournament on the line is one of the best shots ever. Meanwhile in that same match against Brazil, Diego Forlan took a penalty that lacked anything remotely resembling pace. In fact Brazilian keeper Doni, left the stadium, got in his car and drove all the way back to Brazil to make sure he had turned off the iron, before returning to save Forlan’s brilliant homage to the Matrix trilogy.
7. Argentina Juan Ramon Riquelme is the greatest player in the world at the moment. Forget Kaka, who is touted as the same after Milan’s Champion’s League run. Even I could look good in the middle of the pitch with Pirlo and Gattusso camped behind me. And forget Christiano Ronaldo, who is amazing, but benefits immensely from the system of free flowing football at United. Riquelme won the Libertadores single-handedly. He has also had to deal with Juan Sebastian Veron and Cambiasso, who seem loathe to pass it to him, sometimes taking the ball and starting a kick around between themselves in the middle of a forward run. He has also had to deal with a tactical formation of 4-6-0, brutal fouling and double teams and yet he holds and distributes the ball as if he was alone on the pitch. His passing is so sublime and pinpoint, he could hit a gnat in 12th row. And the minute he grabs hold of the game, Argentina takes over. Whoever picks him up in the next few weeks immediately becomes one of the best teams in the world.
   
8. Let’s hope South Africa wasn’t watching this tournament. The partially completed stadiums and black outs might make them stop infrastructure development immediately.
9. If Mexico can avoid Argentina, they will eventually win the World Cup. They played brilliant attacking football, but just lacked finishing against Argentina, who has now knocked them out of the Confederations Cup, Copa and World Cup in 3 years. Is it any wonder that Argentina weren't given the chance to reject an invitation to the Gold Cup. They are a team that all should beware in 2010. And if you have an extra 10 quid, throw it on them to win it all.
10. Ray Hudson is bat-shit insane. Period.