The Table Never Lies (02/05/08)

1) Arsenal
We have just learned that Jens Lehmann declined to join Dortmund because he likes to play in a stadium where only his voice can be heard.

2) Manchester United
How good is Christiano Ronaldo? He’s been marked out of games by central midfield Jamie O’Hara and rightback Pascal Chimbonda in the past week. Kaka has cleared space for another World Player of the Year award.

3) Chelsea
I feel robbed. Was I the only one that didn’t fuck Anelka on his wedding day?

4) Everton
Sure the disallowed goal wasn't actually offside, but to be fair to the linesman was raising the flag for the simulation he assumed Andy Johnson was about to engage in.

5) Liverpool
A supporters trust wants fans to buy the club from the Yanks in a structure similar to Barcelona. The Scouse faithful can enter this noble cause for £5,000. Home and Auto Insurance premiums have skyrocketed throughout the city.

6) Aston Villa
Chivas USA’s Brad Guzan wasn’t allowed to join the Birmingham club by the home office. It was just too much to think that there could be four better American keepers in the EPL than any of the dregs that Don Fabio is forced to use.

7) Manchester City
Flops, knocks and shady dealings at the forward position. At this point, even Robert Earnshaw might not return Sven’s calls.

8) Blackburn
Considering their current run of form, I will “draw” the conclusion that they are bound for another year of magnificent mediocrity.

9) Portsmouth
Jermain Defoe: beautiful goal bookended by a series of pathetic misses. Only the shirt had changed.

10) West Ham
Whose cannoli does Robert Green have suck the creamy filling out of to get a call up?

11) Tottenham
It’s hard to break with their traditions: White kits, attacking play, conceding late.

12) Newcastle United
Knock knock? Who’s there? Relegation. We’re your new neighbors and just wanted to welcome you to the neighborhood.

13) Middlesbrough
Alves is jetting in to be the newest striker that can’t hit the back of the net.

14) Bolton
Was Nicolas Anelka, Bolton’s Henry? Sure the team is playing better without him, but I am referring to his infidelity issues that came to light after the move.

15) Wigan
Steve Bruce won the Marlon King lottery, which is the equivalent of winning £1 on a £2 scratch card.

16) Sunderland
Rade Prica, who scored on his debut, is something of a novelty at Sunderland. He has neither played with or against Roy Keane before.

17) Reading
Second season-itis? Or shitty defense-it is?

18) Birmingham City
Villa. Always with the fucking Villa!

19) Fulham
So during all that time in Finland, did Roy Hodgson think to ask anyone Jari Litmanen’s age? On the plus side, Leon Andreasen will be considered a brilliant signing by season’s end.

20) Derby County
Subtly improving. It might be too late to avoid relegation, but not too late to restore some pride. And with Roy Caroll in goal, Spurs might be well advised to make sure any potential goal put a bulge in the old onion bag, to quote a drunken leprechaun.