A Final Analysis of the Euros

or 16 Reason Why Real Football kicks Your Sport's ASS!

or 16 Reasons Why the Wankdorf wasn't just a stadium!

1. Sweden
   
   
   
2. Germany
   
   
   
3. Netherlands
   
   
   
4. Spain
   
   
   
5. Austria
   
   
   
6. Portugal
   
   
   
7. France
   
   
   
8. Switzerland
   
   
   
9. Turkey
   
   
   
10. Romania
    
    
    
11. Poland
    
    
    
12. Italy
    
    
    
13. Croatia
    
    
    
14. Russia
    
    
    
15. Czech Republic
    
    
    
16. Greece
    
    
    

The Set: Spain Campeones!

1. Someone here must feel vindicated by Lahm's performance. Oh yeah. ME!
   
2. Someone here must feel vindicated by Lehmann's performance too. But in a rather fairly called match, to hear der douche bag blame the ref for the loss is another moment of pure classlessness by that ass. I feel for Stuttgart fans.
   
3. It's funny, I don't have Xavi in my Tournament XI, but I completely agree with his being named the player of the tournament. He wasn't flashy like some the other attackers, but he controlled the game and tempo like the nice version of Riquelme that he is.
   
4. Did anyone else catch Platini trying to get in on the action when Spain lifted the trophy. What a glory hound. And a cock!
   
5. Congratulations to all the long-suffering Spanish fans. You truly deserved this as the best and most consistent team. And enjoy your partying. If champions are copied, I hope we begin to see an increase in the number of teams using technique and possession to break down defenses.
   
6. One month until the Liga Pokal. What the hell am I going to do until then?
   

Euro 2008 Team of the Tournament

Since the 4-2-3-1 seems to be the formation of the tournament, I am going to use it rather than the typical 4-4-2 to name my “best of”.

GK: Iker Casillas (ESP)
Casillas is a no-brainer, especially after his penalty heroics against Italy.

RB: Hamit Altintop (TUR)
The most under appreciated player at this tournament. Playing out of position, he proved capable defensively and was the main thrust of Turkey’s attack from the RB position.

CB: Doran Goian (ROM) and Emanuel Pogatetz (AUS)
- I’ve never had much time for Pogatetz, but he was a beast at this tournament; a leader in every sense and tenacious in defense. Austria only allowed three goals with what is considered the weakest side in the tournament. He was a big reason for their outstanding defensive record.
- Romania gave up no goals from open play in the Group of Death when he was on the pitch. Is it any wonder that the Netherlands scored when he was suspended.

LB: Danijel Praniic (CRO)
He was electrifying coming forward and solid defensively. Is it any wonder that Lyon have already swooped him up?

DM: Nigel de Jong (NED) and Marcos Senna (ESP)
- If you’re going to play a double pivot, you need one Gattuso like ball-winner. And nobody epitomized that dogged determination more than de Jong this tournament.
- Senna was outstanding anchoring for Spain. He may well be the player of the tournament.

AM: Bastian Schweinsteiger (GER), Wesley Sneijder (NED) and Andrei Arshavin (RUS)
- While people seem to think that Ballack carried the team, it was the Pig who returned to the team and drug them forward against Portugal and Turkey, despite being benched by Low early on.
- What can you say about Wesley Sneijder that hasn’t already been said? Just phenomenal!
- For two games, Arshavin was the greatest player on the planet. How much more could he have accomplished, had he not been suspended.

F: Nihat Kahveci (TUR)
It’s hard to pick Nihat over Villa, but Nihat was Turkey’s leader. And he was there any time they needed him.

The Set: Germany 3-2 Turkey

1. Nice Goal Philip. But guess what? At least one person here won’t soon forget the most dire performance by any individual at this tournament to date. Many will give you MOM for scoring a goal. But they will forget the 90 minutes of dire defending. You were responsible for both goals. And had Richards not hit the post early, you would have had a 3rd on your hands. You were crap, and the only reason people aren't giving you more grief is because Jansen was worse. You made Kazim Kazim Richards look like Cristiano Ronaldo, and even Championship defenders couldn’t do that. You’ve now been roasted by Prajnic, Garics and Kazim: which is as bad as it sounds. And you will cost Germany the title against Russia or Spain, who won’t be using wallbangers as substitutes.

   
   

2. There was a lot of talk about how Ballack would hoist this team on his shoulders. He must have dyed his hair white, because since he returned, Bastian Schweinsteiger has been dragging this team, kicking and screaming, to the final. Ballack gets the plaudits, but the pig does all the work

   
   

3. It's time for another rendition of my “Rene Adler is better than Superman" rant. Lehmann finally showed his true colors, especially in the first half with poor punches, being nutmegged on a slow dribble and being incapable of deciding to move off his line. He got away with it today.....but hey, why is he still alive? He made a promies.

   
   

4. Most underrated player in this tournament: Hamit Altintop. Playing out of position, he has defended well and been the catalyst for most of Turkey's attacking play.

   
   

5. Tactics 101: When you have all your subs and your opposition only has 3 and they still sub more than you, you’re doing something incredibly wrong. Players like Heiko Westermann, Kevin Kuranyi and Piotr Trochowski are filler with good seats. And they shouldn't be.

   
   

6. I was explaining the blackouts, the lost goals, and the subsequent return of the picture for the final goal to my wife, an uber-liberal German girl. Later I said it was amazing to see the Germans do that so late. She responded with or “Not See Germany, in your case”. Think about how thats sounds and you will see why I laughed so hard at the comment.

   
   

7. MOM: The hell with that! The Golden Ball should go to every player on that Turkish squad. They were fantastic. We thank you and we will sure as hell miss you.

   
   

Jens Urged Not to Renig on Promise

Jens Lehmann admittance that he would 'give his life' to reach the final of Euro 2008 has the entirety of England pulling for Germany.

Not typically enamored with the Germans, the thought of the former Arsenal goalkeeper and all around massive bag of douche offing himself has galvanized the English citizenry to the point that 99.99% of all English football fans are desperately pulling for Deutchland tomorrow.

Said Collin Smythe, who had been rooting for Russia due to their exciting play, "I would even go as far as to say that I would have no issue with another 34 year drought if it would mean that Jens might swallow some rat poison willingly!"

Scouser Anthony Lockwood, who was pulling for the Spaniards due to the obvious connections with his beloved Liverpool has stated, "A German win tomorrow would be even better than the 5-1 win."

Even Arsenal supporters are on the bandwagon. Singer Dido has already written a song dedicated to the anticipated passing of their former keeper called "It took you long enough, wanker!"

A poll at the BBC, with over 700,000 hits, has immolation as the suggested way Jens should carry out his promise if Germany does indeed beat the Turks in tomorrow's semi-final.

The Set: Austria 0-1 Germany

1. Hola, me llamo Señor Gonzalez. Soy pendejo! Yes, we are all very aware that you were there Manuel. Throwing two managers off the pitch before half-time is a great way to ensure that the whole world knows your name. What was the worst thing that might happened, a slap fight? Oh perhaps your were right to avoid that emasculation-fest. Either way, Graham Poll should send him a “Thank You” card.
   




2. Hey, 228 minutes into this party Michael Ballack decided to accept the invitation. He may have already lost it again.




3. Super Mario has devalued himself more than any player at this tournament. One goal and he’s a €20 million striker. A David Villa performance and he’s €30. Now Stuttgart would be lucky to get €15.
   

   Why is this? Some of it is the partnering. I mentioned he’d be better off with Neuville than Klose. But the thing that stood out tonight was that he doesn’t have the balls to score. He has done a decent job of running into space and creating chances, but the minute the ball falls to him to shoot, he succumbs to the pressure. The shot and lack of followup in the 7’ is proof that he doesn’t want the pressure of a country on his back.




4. Ratings for Germany: Philip Lahm (6). Anyone not named Philip Lahm (a generous 4.5). Unless you’re Torsten Frings and then the word “shit” is being kind. I’ve seen some fairly poor performances at the Euros since Germany won in 1996. This was the most comprehensively poor performance I have ever seen. Portugal at Euro 2000 just played them off the park. They were only one decent freekick better than a Austrian side that could be fielded at the Olympics tonight.
   




5. One thing about getting stuck in the cheap seats, Low must have realized that his squad was playing like it was on a Foosball table with short right legs. Immediately after the restart, Podolski remembered his position (for a good 10 minutes), Ballack drifted out to help and thus Lahm could venture forward on the left-hand flank. Commentators said that Podolski was subbed to save him from injury as their leading scorer. More than likely, he was finally subbed because he played most of the game in a 3 meter-wide area in the middle of the pitch. Is there any wonder that Napoli’s Gyorgy Garics, playing a modified wing-back for Hickersberger, was the closest thing we had to a MOM.
   




6. Since Low has proven himself incapable of changing the squad, the only hope Germany has in the quarters is if Portugal rightly look past them to their semi-final matchup with Croatia. The double pivot is useless and Deco and Moutinho should have little problem causing havoc in the middle of the pitch. And if you think Garics looked good streaking down Germany’s left, wait until you see the winger Portugal has for the positionally inept Podolski. I would suggest Westermann and Hitzlsperger to counter Ronaldo, but why act like logic will be used.
   




7. Austria is on the verge of something. I was unkind, like many, to the Austrians coming into this tournament. Even their own fans jokingly tried to get them expelled back in the fall. And for that we will always love their sense of humor. But those fans, real pundits, and idiots like me have been proven wrong. This team was well organized and finely conditioned. Hard to score upon, their relative inexperience up top meant that they could suffer on the finishing side. But Harnik and Hoffer are both only 21 and fresh off last year’s semi-final showing at the U21 World Cup; meanwhile, Roman Keinast has shown potential as a target-man.

   Their defense is relatively young, with the tenacious Emanuel Pogatetz being only 25 and revelation Garics being only 24. With Sebastian Prodl (another of last year’s U21), Andreas Ivanschitz, Christian Fuchs and Christoph Leitgeb, there is a core of young talented players that should be ready to contribute in the coming months as qualification for World Cup 2010 begins.

   In fact the only outfield players over 30 were Hiden, Aufhauser and Vastic, who is only notable for scoring. This was an amazingly young squad by even Arsene Wenger standards. So the big question is whether this young squad can gel in time to make a run at South Africa or if they will hit their stride in 2012. After watching three gritty performances, France, Romania and Serbia must now realize that their qualifying group is going to be the Group of Death.
   

The Set: Holland 4-1 France

1. How much must a team be leading by to get Domenech to remove Makalele? Toulalan, for that matter, is also a defensive midfielder and played the entire game. Not once did Domenech think to sacrifice his two negative players for positive ones. Rather he traded in two wingers for two strikers. He took away his width and provided no more in attack in his two substitutions. You just think about what Jose Mourinho or Juande Ramos would have done in that position, and they would sacrifice the goalie, if they had to, for a forward if the game was on the line. To the brave go the spoils.
   
2. And that was Marco Van Basten. Criticized for his tactical approach by the annoying legend Johann Cruyff, Van Basten’s system has been phenomenal. It’s the perfect fit for his attackers, who conisist of two #10’s, a left-wing, two drop back forwards and a classic #9. Prop Van Nistelrooy up top and let the other 3 do what they want, with two defensive-mids to protect them. However, unlike the Italy game, Engelaar’s passing was off tonight. And rather than sticking with him, Van Basten rolled the dice, brought on Robben and changed to a 4-1-4-1. And it was a masterstroke as Domenech started stripping away his midfield attackers, meaning that Nigel de Jong was more than enough at the pivot.
   
3. How many times has it been said that the first two minutes after a goal are the most dangerous time in a game, and France took their foot off the gas in 45 seconds. Granted it was an impossible angle that Robben scored from, but how did France allow him that close to the goal within seconds of restart?
   
4. When did Nigel de Jong turn into a world-class defensive mid? After an early career that saw him as versatile player in the midfield and at the back, this tournament has seen him blossom into one of the best defensive-mids around, easily outshining the likes of Gatusso and Frings. He had settled into the role at Hamburg late in the season, but even midway through the season he was sharing duties with Demol, Kompany or Benjamin. He had yet to really turn out performances like this. Martin Jol finally gets back his holder that Damien Comolli let slip away two summers ago. Although only David Villa has increased his value more during this tournament, so Jol’s not out of the woods yet.
   
5. Thierry Henry v. Lukas Podolski. Unlike the German forward, Henry has never been that prolific for les Blues. Sure he is the country’s leading scorer, but he’s done most of that work in friendlies and weak qualifiers. Today he blew multiple chances and only scored on a redirect. Had he been on the form that made him a superstar at Arsenal, this would have been a 4-4 thriller.
   
6. 4-2-3-1 and the return of total football.
   

   Long considered a defensive style of football, the re-emergence of total football is being seen in the 4-2-3-1. The funny thing about its evolution as a tactic, the 4-2-3-1 is considered a Spanish formation. It utilized 2 defensive midfielders, although one will border on box-to-box. As the system has migrated north, yes this is difficult logic to grasp, it has turned into the closes thing to the beloved total football, that the world has seen since the 1982 Brazilians.
   

   Bayer Leverkusen and Bayern Munich utilized it this year in the first half of their season and were both brilliant to watch. The key to turning what is essentially six men behing the ball into a flair system, is the four attackers. It requires a target man with holding abilities, see Luca Toni. It also requires a fluid three man attack in midfield. At Bayern, Altintop, Ribery and Schweinsteiger could play anywhere in front of the holders and were all almost equally gifted (granted Ribery has surpassed the other two).
   

   For the Dutch, Sneijder and van der Vaart could create from the tunnel while Kuyt attacks from the right side. Shifting in Robben only means most of his attacking is from the left and Sneijder and van der Vaart roam a little more left.
   

   Finally it requires attacking fullbacks to ensure width. It would be hard to miss van Bronckhorst’s contribution from the back for the Dutch. Boulahrouz has been less attacking but is there to keep the other team options.
   

   While we have seen Capello’s Real Madrid and Chelsea to use the system in a negative way as it is traditionally seen, more and more teams are moving towards a fluid us of it, such as Roma, Manchester United, the Danes and *gasp* the Argentines.
   

   Total football is back and the 4-2-3-1 will be the formation du jour for the next decade.
   

7. MOM: Kahlid Boulahrouz was outstanding in defense. He was the addition to squad after Ryan Babel was injured but his composure in defense is so vastly different from the player we saw at Chelsea. He’s back to the form that got him noticed at Hamburg, but without the nastiness that plagued him and earned him the nickname Cannibal. He was rock solid on the right for the Netherlands tonight and forced Ribery’s free role to be more centralized or left-handed. He also forced Malouda out early.